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Meh:
Awake. Feeling lonely is all. I don't see a way out of my loneliness as I can't change my personality or my appearance.
I sort of came to a realization about acceptance of general "depression" and somehow it's become less of a problem.
Maybe percentage of what I had been calling depression all along was alone-ness.
I have explained to someone:
"Trust me I spent years in my 20's reading books, going to therapists. There is nothing about me that I can change. There are plenty of people who don't feel they need to change in order to be happy. It's kind of a cruel aspect of our society that says if only one could change then things would be better. It's like telling a person with a broken leg to just start swimming. "
lighter:
(((Garbanzo)))
I don't have advice for you, but I hear you.
In scanning my own situation....
the "alone" in my equation....
I feel shifting assumptions and beliefs I've held ABOUT myself, about my situation....
may lead to cultivating more of what I DO want, IMO.
I'm stone walled when I think about what I DON'T want.....
which is fear based, and not helpful, IME.
My pouty inner child chimes in loudly.... unhappily..... the unfairness is HUGE for her.... and so it is for me if I pay attention.
How can I shift that?
CAN I shift that?
My negative mental chatter is circular.
It's unproductive, or is it?
If I hold zero judgement about it....
will it shift on it's own as I listen, and go about my day?
I have to figure out how to honor it, choose something else, without trying to dismiss it, maybe?
Dismissing something that LARGE and present doesn't work, IME.
And new doors are often messy.... they don't always lead to better places on top of it.
More fear...
geez.
Doors lead to good, bad and neutral things.....
the point is they're NEW.....
new possibility.
::nodding::
((((G))))
Lighter
Meh:
Hi Lighter,
It's okay that you don't have advice :) But thanks for reading.
Sometimes I sort of need to sift and sort through my own thoughts because sometimes I don't even know what they are saying to me. I ignore the inner currents a lot. The inner currents of feelings and time and self-priority. Find a lot of distractions and work.
"And new doors are often messy.... they don't always lead to better places on top of it."
"Doors lead to good, bad and neutral things..... "
"the point is they're NEW.....
new possibility."
It's true. Not every new door is the answer we seek. Testing the water and planning a lot I guess.
Meh:
I live in Washington State. It's pretty dark out when I leave work, I scurry home, there really is no place where I socialize much (work doesn't count). Also I'm an introverted type, always have been since childhood.
A friend was trying to prod me saying that the introversion quirk must be fought and all that. I just think I'm to old for fighting against traits I've had since childhood and at this point I think it's something that is better off acknowledged, accepted. It's just less of a battle that way. I feel like there has to be something powerful in accepting it, becomes less of an issue. I guess though accepting something is not the same as giving up.
In someways maybe I have been feeling like I have given up and that probably is a real problem. It's probably just deep discouragement. Which I guess is something else i should just acknowledge.
I'm just feeling a greater awareness of aging, time. I'm close to 40 years old. I still feel like I am about 17 years old, well not sure exactly.
Anyhow. Part of what comes out of this is I get on skype with a couple of guys who live far away that I will never meet and practically have fake long distance relationships with them. They are more on the platonic end. I mean to me it's always interesting to exchange with someone in a different country far away. Far far far away.
They know I am not going to meet them, I have said blatantly to them so they don't believe it's going to happen.
I spend so much time on skype with them. It's ultimately a big waste perhaps. I don't want to meet these people, it's just a thing I do that sprouts out of my loneliness. I think it's perhaps unhealthy.
There is also an odd female nurse that I chat with on skype who tells me about her work environments and tribulations.
It sort of interests me. Still the thing with the guys it's just like a broken thing.
Hopalong:
This author agrees with you, Boat.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-art-closeness/201601/5-tips-help-introverts-keep-becoming-lonely
I think if you Google lonely introverts you'll find a lot of good info. One thing that finally sank in for me, after nagging you about doing something in a group forever, is that for you, meeting with a SMALL group can be very positive, but not big loud ones. And meeting one on one (friendship/s) might come out of one of those.
If you're near a Unitarian Universalist church you might check out their (non-dogmatic) Covenant Groups. They're small. People take turns speaking (and can always pass, you don't have to speak). I've had several deeply introverted folks in mine who have wound up saying it was very important for their healing and growth and happiness.
love
Hops
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