I chatted with my ex. I cant beleive her, I know now

[bkkabri]

I chatted with my ex today on instant messager.  this was the conversation.  Tell me what you think.  I am bkkabri she is dddbo

DDDBO:  I spend 80% of my day trying to save lives and help people feel better. I need a partner who will spend 80% of their time nurturing me. I deseve that, I intend on having that.
BKKabri:  I wanted to nurture you
DDDBO:  You wanted to nurture yourself
BKKabri:  thats why I was there trying to show you a good time by sharing ourselves
BKKabri:  I dont want to nurture myself
BKKabri:  I bought you the palm pilot because I knew you needed it
BKKabri:  thats not nurturing
BKKabri:  ?
DDDBO:  We did not share our lives because it was always about you and your needs. I was just on the sideline.
BKKabri:  you were not a sideline Deena
DDDBO:  Yes I was.
BKKabri:  I loved you, and wanted nothing more than to make you happy
BKKabri:  I wanted nothing more than to be with you
BKKabri:  and nurture our relationship
BKKabri:  I am sorry you didnt get the message when I said I wanted to share things together.
BKKabri:  our lives our feelings.
DDDBO:  Well, you did not show it. I wanted to feel like I was the most improtant person in your life. I never did.
BKKabri:  you were the most important person to me
BKKabri:  you still are
BKKabri:  Deena, I would have did anything if you would have just let me in
DDDBO:  No I was not.
BKKabri:  to your heart
BKKabri:  I dont understand why you feel like this
BKKabri:  I tried to spend every night with you and bonding with you as a couple
BKKabri:  I knew you needed to study,so I gave you space to do it.
BKKabri:  If you needed more, all you needed was to ask
DDDBO:  I did let you in. I exposed everything about myself to you. The good,bad, and ugly. It was never good enough. You were always searching for something or someone else.

She denies saying all the stuff she said:

BKKabri:  Thats what I was trying to do.  By the way, you spent 80% of your time with your job and wanted 80% nurturing from me.  That is what I am trying to say.  You gave me 20% of your time and I wanted a relationship that was at least 50%
DDDBO:  Well, I am sorry you feel that way. Just one more reason why our relationship did not last.
BKKabri:  do you know what naricisissim is?
BKKabri:  you should look it up.
DDDBO:  Which I am not.
BKKabri:  You may want to reconsider.
BKKabri:  you told me that I dont make enough
BKKabri:  money, what is my five year plan.
DDDBO:  Oh my God. Now your reaching. I never said that. I take offense to that.
BKKabri:  you said that when you broke up with me.  I am the one who should be offended
BKKabri:  this is what I am talking about
BKKabri:  you deny everything
DDDBO:  I can not believe you are lying to yourself now.
BKKabri:  dont even go there
BKKabri:  you bought me porn on xmas, freaked on valentines day and said all that cruel stuff in your house
BKKabri:  you said you want a man who is going to make as much as you

she signed off saying that she wishes me the best and that I we wont work.  She denies everything she did.

[Anonymous]

Brian,

Arguing won't take you where you want to go.

bunny

[mum]

Brian... It's over, pal.  Drop it like a bag of flaming shit (excuse my bluntness...all with love).  You don't need it.

[bkkabri]

I know its over.  I thought I would share her responses to me reaching out to her.  There was more of this, but all she kept saying  is how she told me all this stuff, and how it was my fault.  She says I am the one who ignited her insecurities, and she denies everything she said.  I just wanted to share.  I am done.  I just cant beleive she wants me to be 80% nurturing to her while she dedicates all her time to her job.  I could never win with her.  I hate it because I loved the girl I met.  This is who she is.

[longtire]

bkkabri,
I agree with bunny.  As long as you expect to be able to change her mind, she will have you under her power.  You deserve to be under your own power, not anyone else's, no matter how great they seem.

Re-reading her "posts" drove home that ALL she was doing was denying or contradicting what you said.  She did not offer her viewpoint and what she saw and heard, she simply denied that your feelings and desires were not true, and not "enough" for her in any case.

One "clue" (she screams it by everything she typed) is that she wanted someone to spend 80% of their time meeting her needs.  Which implies that after eating, sleeping and working she would have 0% left to meet your or anyone else's needs.  That is obviously not a equal partnership.  I'd expect that in a real, balanced, caring relationship it's not even 50/50.  After each person eats, sleeps, works, takes care of themselves, and has their own life, there is maybe 20-25% of the time every week to devote to their partner.  Not that that 20-25% can't be great, it's just not 100% of your life!

From this exchange it looks like she feeds off of having you try to change her mind.  Do yourself a favor and take 1 day off from wanting her and see what's its like for you.  I'd like to see more posts from you that are just about you and don't involve her.  I feel a connection with you, and want to learn more about you.

[mum]

Yeah, I would like to hear about YOU...not that _____!  Strength in numbers: Brian, we're ALL done with her!!!

[Anonymous]

Get over it Brian.  You've been mulling this over and over and over since before Christmas. If this is the way she, then accept it. She's not your problem anymore.

[Anonymous]

I know its over.

Brian-do you?  "It's over" also means that you move on emotionally from this as well.  

I understand the draw to contact her but it was a mistake, and one that will only give even more emphasis to your already existing wounds, and keep you in the stuck re-hashing mind set that you have been in for a long while now.

Realise how you gained zero peace of mind in regards to the answers to all of your questions, zero closure or validation from today's conversation. You were better off not having had that conversation at all.

It will always be that way. You were saying a lot more than she was and it was easy to tell which of you is still emotionally emeshed in this. She does not seem to be anymore.

You need to let it go, and if you do not do this, know that you are inflicting your own suffering upon yourself, of your own free will. The good news is that you can stop anytime you want to!  

Do you think if you let go of this that the pain of what happened with your father will replace it and it will be time to face that, so hanging on to this  could in a way be a protective thing staving off having to deal with the feelings related to your dad?

Maybe it is an unfair question to ask because it might be hard to judge that kind of thing in one's own self.

Well, that reminds me-- what ever happened with the therapist you were seeking?

At any rate you are the only one that can help yourself now.

I wish you well.

[mum]

I was just thinking, Brian...about breakups in general.  At some point (it may be right now for you) it doesn't matter who did what to whom, who's to "blame", who was right and who was wrong.  Figuring out HOW anyone gets to where they are in or out of a relationship can only be analyzed so much....then it is not productive and becomes destructive.  Move on.

[Anonymous]

Brian:

These kind of arguments remind me of a hamster on a treadmill in a cage.  It is a circular kind that goes round and round and is never resolved.  IT is over.........move on, disconnect.  Patz

[bkkabri]

I know its over.  I just cant beleive this all happened.  To share with you about me.  I have spent my entire life around people who are mentally ill and with AIDS.  My brother and my uncle have bipolar.  My dad sat told me stories of how he would commit suicide if he went blind.  My mind is in shambles.  I hurt inside because I always seem to good enough for people when they need me.  I never get to have needs.  I am condemned for having them.  I am so hurt by my ex because because everything she is saying is so whacked out like my brother and dad and uncle.  All I ever wanted from our relationship was love and caring for each other.  I thought I was providing it to her.  To hear the things she is saying breaks my heart because it wasnt one sided.  I talked to her about comedy telling her new jokes to make her laugh.  I never talked about work.  I always wanted to hear about her day, but all she talked about was medical prodecure.  I am not a doctor so I dont understand any of it.  That doesnt mean I didnt want to talk about people at work or what happened.  I just didnt want to talk about how people were going to die.  Its depressing.  The bottom line is that I feel like I dont have the ability to lean on anyone and it hurts because I am hurting inside.  Its like I am not allowed to have a human emotion with people I care about.  They can tell me their feelings and I listen, I tell them mine and they kick me and stomp me like I am garbage.  It hurts so much to hear her say that I was looking for somebody else.  She never said anything to make me know that her needs were not met.  I would ask about her day, her past, tell her she looks great, but instead of feeling good, she yells at me about women on television.  Why cant people who are in my life just stay together.  I loved her, I know its over, but I wish she could grow up and realize she is not making any sense.  I just really want to have a normal life with people who are caring of me like I am of them.

[bludie]

The bottom line is that I feel like I dont have the ability to lean on anyone and it hurts because I am hurting inside. Its like I am not allowed to have a human emotion with people I care about.

A therapist is a good first source in someone to lean on. I haven't heard your response to people's queries about getting a therapist. Have you, Brian?

Best,

bludie

[Bloopsy]

bkkrabi,
      I'm so sorry you re hurting so much.
Love,
Bridget

[mum]

Dearest Brian.
You are hurting inside.  You feel horrible.  You feel horrible about yourself, you can't understand why you keep getting hurt, but that is exactly why (all of the above). We all have a personal energy.  It draws to us whatever we seem to send out.  What we focus on, we get.  If we are hard on ourselves instead of gentle with ourselves, we get more pain.  You feel pain, pain, pain, you keep getting pain pain pain.  
I think therapy is a good idea. Please consider it if you aren't there yet.
You have probably found one place, in this board, where compassion rules... and empathy has power.  Perhaps here, because we are all recovering from hurt, you will find compassion that you cannot feel for yourself.  Please listen to it.  
You need to find a way to value yourself and start feeling ok inside, then the energy you send out will be matched by caring from others....oh, see how it already is, right here?  
Please find a good therapist to help you.  We are only voices to share here, not professional helpers.

[Bloopsy]

Brian,
   This is very much my own personal experience---- I am very new in recovery and everything. I can relate a lot to the way that you seem to be stuck. It may or may not have anything to do with you at all what I say here so please take it with a grain of SALT.
Anyway I recently got involved with this man that I started to think may be an N. Or anyway, I noticed myself starting to kind of COUNT all the negative hurtful things that he has done. But a part of me would say "he is just human like you"......welll I found that when I was able to say to myself "Bridget, this man and no man is right for you at the stage" it took the focus off of him, where I could go on forever and re-inflict the pain over and over on myself. It put the focus back on myself to where I can (hopefully) create a caring relationship on the inside of me. I listened to this song a lot. It helped me. I think maybe it could help you too????(I hope)
Anyway the website is www.daddywantsyou.com and you go to media and the song is called I'm too much. It is about loving someone so much that it puts you in a cage but also inspires you to get out. Much Love,
Bridget