Its not the girl-its the people I care about in my life

[phillip]

Maybe assuming the "blame" for the disfunctions of others is a part of his issue.  This would draw N type personalities to him.  My uneducated guess would be that this works for him for a time, but eventually does not leave him with a satisfying relationship.  I agree that obsessing is only the psyche attempting to find a comfort level with behaviors that he is not willing or seemingly capable of changing within himself.  I have come to view my mind as a really bad dog that needs to have my foot on it's neck in order to keep it from biting me.  It appears cruel, and extreme, but the metaphor works for me, to remember that I am in control of my thinking and not the other way around.  

[guest today]

What you are doing is assuming people who love one another are always nice to each other. Here is some news: they are not. People who love one another are still human and get upset with one another. This is unavoidable. No matter how hard you tried, your girlfriend at some point would be cross with you. No matter how hard she tried, you would at some point be cross with her. You are "catastrophising" and "personalising" so that everything they do is your fault and very terrible. Her comments about you looking at other women are a normal female complaint from a girl to a guy. So I am suggesting that you do have a problem, and should seek therapy. A therapist will help you to change your expectations of others to more healthy expectations. Also a therapist will help you find less needy friends.

good luck,

S

[mudpuppy]

I  have a reputation among those who know me for being blunt. It is not because I do not care. I have a normal amount of empathy, perhaps an excess. It is just that I think syrupy back patting often allows people to wallow in the misery instead of taking action. I was depressed for over a year because of my brother's destruction of my life. I needed somebody to slap my face and say "wake up and take charge of your life". Unfortunately nobody did. I wasted a year moping and grieving while he stuck the knife in deeper and twisted it.
   I only say all that so that you know the perspective I bring to your plight. You are in a fog. You are paralyzed just as I was by hopelessness and self pity. You are obsessed with what you lost or what might have been. I've got news for you, you didn't lose anything. There was nothing there. You didn't lose her love because Ns are incapable of love. You should be thanking God above you found out before you got married and had kids. Make a plan of action and stick to it. Just meeting some goals will help you start digging out.
Some suggestions.
1.Look until you find a therapist who helps.
2.Fix your mind on the blessings in your life.
3.When you start slipping into obsession find a positive activity.
4.Most of all realize that there are over three BILLION women in the world. There is one who will love you and ISN'T a freaking whacko. But for heavens sake don't start looking for one now.
5. Don't be sorry for being angry. She ripped your heart out. Count it as a lesson learned and shake her dust off your feet.
6. Most important. Don't use this board or even therapy as a substitute for taking control of your life and your emotions. Take action for crying out loud.

[Anonymous]

bkkrabi------ Please take this post with a grain of salt. I may not know what I am talking about. But I feel like I am similar to you in that I go around in circles and it is hard for me to break free of obsessive thinking and I also tend to think that people treat me wrong becuase of something I did, which seets me up to try to "do better" so that they won't treat me bad anymore but I am starting to realize that this on;y makes them treat me worse because they realize that they can----no matter how bad they treat me, I'll think it was because I deserved it and be back next time like a puppy dog.

Also I know how hard it is to step back and work on yourself, and stop it from being about other people anymore. I am resisting it hardcore too. It just hurts so bad and is very lonely. I talked to my therapist and I said my mind runs around like a gerbil on a wheel and she said why do you think that is and I realized that to stop it would be to face and feel the pain. And that would be devastating. Maybe it is like that for you too???
(((((bkkkarbi)))))

[mudpuppy]

Perhaps I wan't clear enough the first time. It is not like that for me at all. I have never been lured into believing that what some psycho does to me is my fault. Nor did I obsess over what my brother was/is doing. I thought about it and was dragged down by it because I had to deal with his harrassment on a daily basis. In fact we will be locking horns for years to come no doubt. What I did and what you are doing is thinking about the bad stuff all the time. I had to. I was/am still in the middle of it. You on the other hand are free of a nutjob and instead of praising God for his infinite mercy of delivering you from a life of horrors with this woman all you do is pine for her.
The point is no therapist will be able to help you if you are determined to wallow in the mud. And most of your posts seem to be exactly that. There is a difference between seeking support or advice and seeking validation for what is pretty clearly an unhealthy mindset.

[Brigid]

Brian,
I agree with Vuneil that you would be well-served by getting on some medication.  I would not have survived the first few months without it.  I could not eat or sleep--went to 110 lbs, and was in more pain than I thought was possible.

The meds brought back my appetite and my ability to function and think clearly.  You need to do that.  They really are designed for people in your situation and they will make you feel better.  Stop obsessing on something you cannot change and take action on something you can--yourself.