jondo,
Well things had been going bad for about 2 years, we don't live close to each other. I did live close to them until I was married and moved far, far away (I married someone from Europe), but we regularly spent time with each other on the phone, email and extended visits to each other. Really for the first four years things went VERY well, remember for at least 10 years before this I only had a superficial relationship with them, my parents didn't know much of anything that was going on in my life. During those 10 or so years I saw them once or twice a month for a few hours each time. I didn't try to talk about my life and just listened about their life. Well after four years of having a real relationship the BS started again which had initially caused me in the first place to stop even trying to have a real relationship with them. This time I confronted my mom during each incident of BS (which there was about a dozen of them over the two years) instead of just emotionally withdrawing from the relationship which is pretty much what I had done 14 or so years earlier (which is now 17 years ago and there was an incident at that time which instigated my emotional withdrawing).
So about a year ago there was an incident while they were visiting us, well there was a couple but this was the final, and this one my father also was involved in with his BS, and my father suggested that we didn't see each other anymore. We told them we didn't think this was the way to handle it, that we thought we needed to work out our problems, but if they were not willing to work out the problems then that would have to be the way it would be. After my mom was home for a month she called me like nothing ever happened and I let her know that I was interested in talking to her like nothing ever happened and if she wanted to have a relationship we would have to try to work things out. We then wrote an email to my father (saying we would have to work things out or not have anything to do with each other like HE SUGGESTED and that he might want to really think if this was going to make his wife happy and the ramifications then to himself). He wrote back saying it wasn't his problem and when we decided we didn't have a problem with them any longer to contact them. Of course about a month later my mom calls again acting like nothing ever happened and I told her I did not want to talk to her on the phone and if she had anything to say to me to write me an email. She also wanted to speak to my child which I told her I wasn't going to allow her to.
A few days later I wrote her an email saying that they needed to decide what they wanted, if they didn't want to have anything to do with us THEN LEAVE US ALONE. If they were interested in having a relationship they were going to have to decide if they wanted a superficial one or one like we had had earlier for four years. If they wanted any kind of relationship there were things that would have to be worked out. Well she sent an email back saying they wanted to work things out and they wanted to have a close relationship again. We exchanged a few emails and it became just the same BS. The final email from her was something about what a terrible daughter I was and she wasn't going to allow herself to be treated like this anymore and she hopes that someday when my daughter grew up that someone lets her know that it wasn't them that kept them from seeing her and that I needed to get outside help. Well that outside help was something that she threw at me a lot, about a year and a half earlier she told me I needed to go see a psychologist. When I was in my early 20's I did see a couple psychologists, they were working together and I went with my first husband. They did all kinds of tests on us and talked to us quite a bit over a three month period and determined that there was nothing wrong with me and that my then husband needed extended therapy. About a year or so later my then husband and I parted ways on good terms, we had no children. My mother was quite aware of that, also my current husband and I saw a psychiatrist for a short time because we have custody of his two boys who were teenagers when we got married and his mother was interfering in our raising of our children and it was causing us problems. We worked through that very quickly and my mother was also aware of that. So I sent her back an email saying that she didn't have to worry because we had already told our daughter that WE were not allowing her grandparents to have contact with her and that it was our opinion that she was the one who needs "outside help".
Well awhile later she sent a birthday card to my daughter with a check in it. A few days after her birthday she wrote me an email asking if I had given it to her. I said yes (my husband read it to her the night of her birthday when he put her to bed and she asked him not to leave it in her room). I told my mother that we told her we would take her out and buy her some boats because of the check that was in the card, which we did but we didn't cash the check. Then about a month before Christmas she emailed me if it was OK if she put some money in my account to buy our daughter Christmas presents with, I already had the presents that she had bought for the boys (who are now 21 and 22) when my parents had visited here last time. She had bought them then because we (me, my husband and daughter) were supposed to go spend this past Christmas with them at their house, which was not going to happen. I told her that we felt uncomfortable about it and that we were going to make an appointment with our psychiatrist to talk about it and we would let her know. Well less than two weeks later I get an email with her wanting to know what's going on, BUT her computer isn't really working too good she wrote. I had already talked with the psychiatrist once and had another appointment set up and had not really come to a decision but was leaning against taking money from them for our daughter. I was thinking if she was smart she would have bought some presents for her and sent them to her instead of playing these little games. Anyways I called her up and told her that I had another appointment and had not decided but was leaning against it. She started in with her BS in which I was stern and countered it firmly, I also told her that if she wanted to talk to our psychiatrist that it probably could be arranged. She ended up hanging up saying she wasn't going to be treated like this. About a week later I sent her an email that was a few paragraphs summing up things from our end and thought I made it pretty clear that we didn't want her money. A little more than a week later she sent me another email asking if we had made up our mind about the money and asking if we were going to give the boys the gifts that were here that she had bought them, I guess I wasn't clear enough so I sent another email simply saying that we didn't want her money and we would give the boys the gifts that were already here. In the meantime we had talked to our daughter and explained things, she did not want the money and THEN we told her we would buy extra presents for her this year to make up for it and because her brothers got extra presents from grandma and grandpa. Our daughter was fine with that.
About a month ago I got a call from her saying she had just came back from the doctor and her cancer had come back. That she probably will decide not to have surgery and probably will have chemotherapy which will probably let her live for two more years and if she does nothing she will probably die in six months or so. Over four years ago (about a year and a half before the BS started) she had cancer and had surgery and radiation. It was never actually located but was in her throat area and she had many lymph nodes removed. She was a heavy smoker and continues to smoke. At this time my phone connection was not working good and I could hardly hear her or her me. I told her I was sorry to hear that and then she said she was too upset right now to talk, she had just gotten back from the doctor and if I wanted to talk to her sometime to give her a call. Well I just don't really want to talk to her, yes I feel sorry for her, however this does not change things. Hey I've felt sorry for her my whole life, the first memory I have is from when I was 5 or 6 and it is of her beating me with a brush until the brush broke with the handle left in her hand and the other piece flung up about 10 feet hitting the wall (we were in a stairwell) and I remember thinking then what a poor sick lady, what has happened in your life to bring you to this point. I wasn't even crying and I just looked at her like I felt sorry for her and was confused (my feelings), I don't know what she was thinking about the look I gave her but she never really hit me again after that. Although in the past couple years she did threatened to and I gave her a look that could kill and I told her to go ahead, I think she got it that she wasn't going to intimidate me with that.
Well a couple weeks ago it was my birthday and I got an email from my mom saying she couldn't let the day go by without wishing me a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I didn't let it ruin my day, luckily I didn't get it till late in the afternoon. I read through it quickly and CHOSE not to think about it that day. The next day I did think about it and was thinking I would have rather not have gotten it, it did not make me feel good, I hoped she got pleasure out of it because I sure did not and then I chose to just not respond to it. So I imagine that she will continue to contact me. I've already decided that as far as her illness and death I chose not to be there for her and that's what I will tell her if need be. Last time they were here after my father said that we ought to not see each other he actually told my husband that this would not end till my mother died. This statement bothered both my husband and me. My father feeds into her BS and I hate to tell him that once she is dead if he thinks he is just going to pick up with a relationship with us he is sadly mistaken. Well that was quite long and probably to detailed, hope it helps.
LM
