A friend of mine past away this weekend. Hurt to think

[Anonymous]

The reason I dont love me right now is because I have such a hard time understanding why people come to me and say they love me and then turn on me.

Just to echo other posters, this is something that is really common-- this seduction and seeming love followed by abandonment.  People who are emotionally stunted do it because they get ego gratification out of it and/or they aren't capable of real intimacy.  Some real jerks do it just because it's fun.  It's so common that it's really easy to find!  I have found it a lot... (sigh).   The secret isn't figuring out why someone does it (tons of people do it) but why you can't tell they are going to do it and run away.  There are these people (lucky people!) who can spot this sort of thing a mile away and never let those folks into their life.

My goal is to become one of those lucky people.  I'm wishing it for you, too-- you really do seem like a sensitive, articulate person who deserves better.


PS  Not loving yourself because of what she (or anybody else, but especially some not so nice person) thinks of you/does to you?  Why does she get to choose if you are lovable?  I don't think she even gets a vote.

[Anonymous]

Bkkabri, you keep talking about why this Indian doctor gets to have her now while you don't. It's pretty clear that he hasn't been with her long. What makes you think this poor schmuck isn't going to end up just like you in a matter of months or a couple of years? Quit trying to figure out anything about this relationship. You're wasting your time. You have a victim mentality that invites predators like your Ex. It's a weakness that will continue to encourage others to prey upon you like this until you decide you're not going to be used up like this anymore. And the only way you can start is to get out of the quicksand you're in right now. It's clear that this woman isn't worth anyone's time, so why are you giving your precious time to her when she isn't even there to share it with? You've been asking the same questions about this woman since before Christmas. You're not going to figure her out and why would you want to? I'd be afraid of what the hell you'd find. Move on to bigger and better things...namely yourself.

[Anonymous]

You have a victim mentality that invites predators like your Ex. It's a weakness that will continue to encourage others to prey upon you like this until you decide you're not going to be used up like this anymore.

Because you are getting involved with emotionally unhealthy people.When you do that you can only expect the Wild West.

Choose a different caliber of people and I promise you that won't happen to you anymore.

The "Catch"-- You have to become a little different inside first off.

Read these 10 times-Brian. Literally-no joke. It's really the truth and the answer to what you keep asking.  There it is-- the answers.

What are you going to do with them-now that you have them?

[Portia]

Hi Brian, wow, just look at all these replies you're getting.

How do you feel about the people here?

People who take the time to reply and try to help you?

Are we stupid for replying so much? Or are we okay for replying? What if we just stopped replying. What if the board disappeared for good. Would it matter to you? Would you care?

How did your dad steal your life? How did he try to make you gay (I think you said this somewhere)?

[Learning]

Hi Brian,

You really have gotten alot of great replies.  I've been reading your posts for several months and I feel bad for you.  I wish you could find some relief from the torment you feel over this situation.

I can totally relate to some of what you are going through.  I've been in the situation where I felt so strongly about a man only to be replaced so easily by him.  I obsessed endlessly about what I could have done to make him love me more.  I obsessed that I was not pretty enough, not exciting enough, etc.  At that time, I didn't have very supportive people in my life.  My family and friends would often agree that, indeed, these were the reasons this man could not love me.  My self esteem was in the dumper.

Intellectually, I believed that this could not be right.  I knew that I had chosen poorly with this man.  I found a therapist.  I thought he hated me at first.  I felt he was looking down on me.  That was 11 years ago.  Turns out he has helped me more than I can ever say.  I have been in therapy with him on and off since then.  I learned that he wasn't looking down on me, I just felt that everyone was looking down on me.  Now, I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a good person with issues to overcome.  

At that time, I felt like you do.  I was devastated thinking that my chance to get married and have children was lost.  Through therapy, I started to feel better about myself and my future.  I married a wonderful man 7 years ago and we have 2 children.  

Brian, therapy is key.  Please help yourself.  You are a good person.  The things that happened with your parents are not your fault.  Be good to yourself, nourish yourself, focus as much as possible on what is good and beautiful.

Peace,
Learning

[Learning]

Brian,

I am also very sorry about the loss of your friend.

Take Care,
Learning

[bkkabri]

I appreciate the post.  I need to vent.  What I wnt is to talk to her more tnan anything to have closure.  She ran off with somebody because he can talk about medicine and medical terms better than me.  If I had known that was important to her, I would have sat with and talked more about it.  the problem is that she said nothing.  what she did do is condemn me like I was nothing.  everything was a lie, which has been the story of my life.    I dont want the woman who she is right now, I want to know what happened and why she suddenly wanted away from us.  I want to know why everyone lies to me.  I loved her, I had different opions than her, but was never disrespectful.  I thought we had conversations.  she thinks I was being one sided.  I dont want to care again for anyone because they will lie to me and hurt me blaming me for their problems.  I feel like I am on an island.  She is happy without me, and I am the one left in the cold.  She hasnt even taken the time to talk to me about our problems when they could have been managable.  All I requested is quality time and all she wanted is to talk about the elderly diseases during dinner.  Now I am a nobody to her and why does it hurt so bad, because she told me I was her perfect mate.  she made me beleive it and I followed thru like an adult.  Now I sound like a ten year old because she could care less.  I just want my life back.  I want the old routine of coming home and seeing her and being together.  I dont know why she thinks I want women on television but it nuts.  She has made me feel like a freak for talking about television.

[Anonymous]

I want the old routine of coming home and seeing her and being together.

Why do you want this?  It's obvious that she doesn't want this anymore. Find someone else to come home to after you've worked on yourself for a while.

This is going to sound really mean, but I have to stress that it's not meant to be. I'm just being honest with you here and sometimes that's what a person needs to jumpstart his life again. Here goes..

Maybe, just maybe she was starting to see how you fixate on something like this and don't stop. This may have sent up red flags to her and latching on to someone else as quickly and easily as she did was her ticket out of the relationship. It's really easy to tell someone when things are going great, how wonderful they are and that they're "the one". But eventually reality sets in and it's not really like that anymore. You weren't wrong, you just were blinded by love and feelings of being in the moment. It's actually exasperating to watch you go 'round and 'round with this same struggle day after day, month after month. If others are picking up on it on this board, she may have been noticing it pretty strongly by just living with you. This may have freaked her out. I had mentioned that you do have a "victim mentality" in a previous post. I can tell you as a female, that if I met you out somewhere or were in a relationship with you and this is what you thought of yourself, I'd be out the door pretty darn quick myself. Generally, people like to be with someone who is emotionally healthy. I think it's what we all look for in a relationship. And when there is even an inkling that something may be astray...a person will bail pretty quickly.

Bkkabri, you fixate and you obsess, and you yearn, and you you keep going backwards instead of forwards. You're wondering what you can do to make people happy or like you or love you or not lie to you. Right now. Who cares about them. Start working on yourself and quit being everyone's lackey. No one is going to be interested in treating you well unless you start treating yourself well. Confidence will be the first thing they notice.

I am writing this with concern for you, not animosity. I am a female, I have been dumped before, I have been in a successful marriage for 10 years. I know what emotional pain is like and I know what it's like to be a slave to a memory. Get over it. Life is too damn short and all the time you're wasting on this broad, you could be spending with someone who actually gives a crap about you.

[Anonymous]

I want to know why everyone lies to me.

Good grief bkkabri-- people here have suggested reasons why. You just don't hear them. Did you read any replies on that???  
 

I want to know what happened and why she suddenly wanted away from us.

She probably told you a dozen or more times- what you keep asking about her-too.

Are we stupid for replying so much?

You have a great point there-Portia.I asked myself the same thing.We have all said the same things umpteen times over, only to have the same questions get re-asked.

Maybe Brian just needs a place to vent. That's fine with me. On the other hand, personally-I don't think I can reply anymore. After all- what is there left to be said that hasn't been said so many dif. ways by so many dif. people?  

Others can only do so much. It is only us that can decide to open our eyes and help ourselves.  

I do really really wish you well though- Brian.

[Wispery]

If it feels like they are abandoning you -- they aren't.

If it feels like they couldn't understand you -- they do.

If it feels like they are all ganging up on you -- they might be...if they are...why?

Because they've all been there, and they all care, and can all see the pitfalls you literally jump into with eyes wide shut.

I think they are all telling you over and over again that it's got to start with you, not her. That's in the past already. Now you have a perfect opportunity to see how things went wrong and do what you have to to change it so you don't repeat the same destructive pattern.

I know I've been there. Dumped all over myself. Couldn't figure it out...where did I go wrong???? The only difference right now between you and me is I have taken that first step out of the quagmire...I am beginning to learn how to love and respect myself. After all...how could I be any good for anyone else if I didn't love myself and view myself as worthy? I HAD to take that leap of faith in myself. I know it's hard, but if I can do it, you can too.

Don't give up, open your eyes, you are in the right place and people understand you. They, we, are trying to help you.

Guess what? reading and rationalizing is one thing. Action is another. Listen to the negative tapes you are running in your brain over and over. When you catch them playing that old song and dance, stop yourself and consciously, with conscious determination, change the message in those tapes.

For instance: "I am just a useless piece of nothing and nobody will ever love me or want me."

Change that tape message to: "I am worthy, worthwhile, I am somebody special, deserving and worthy of love."

If you practice this enough, before you know it you begin changing that tape effortlessly and it moves through your conscious mind into your unconscious mind and becomes a fixed message in the reels of your mind.

[bkkabri]

I sat up all night reading post and I know deep inside I couldnt do anything.  I keep wanting to beleive that this person isnt capable of doing what she did or said.  I keep wishing it didnt happen, I keep wishing for the woman I met and gave me her heart.  When I look back, I realize that I wasnt perfect, but her reactions to statements I made were beyond the realm of normal.  I wish I didnt talk about VH1, but I told the story to alot of people and they laugh.   I wish I didnt try to spice up our relationship, but the truth is I never had these issues with a woman before.  I am a spontaneous person who wants romance and fun.  She made me feel bad for that.  I wish she accepted my advances, but she didnt.  I wish she didnt say those cruel and heartless things, but she did.  I read the post, I loved her, but there is no way that this could work knowing she has the ability to freak out everytime I open my mouth.  I have to realize that compimenting a woman with the words nice and great should have been accepted.  I offered her intamcy, she offered me nothing.  I wish I never met her, because I understand that she has problems.  I just wish that she wasnt that way, but she was.  I talked to my neighbor who used to be her friend.  She told me that my told her that she ended the relationship after four years for nothing.  She also told me that my ex told her that she did not under any circumstances want me to hang out with people she knew because she didnt want me to become their friends.  Problem is, my ex never had any friends.  I know she is emotionally screwed, but what a waste.  I really loved the fascade, but reading the post and her conversations make me realize that she is self absorbed and unrealistic.  She will never give me that family I desire.  She doesnt want kids because she said she is too selfish with her time.

[vunil]

Hi, Brian--

At some level at this point you must be feeling your mind has carried you away.  Even your posts have that quality to them-- a big block of anxiety as you go over and over everything.

A lot suggestions have been made to you, very articulately, and they are AWESOME (what a great board this is) and helpful.  

So, in the spirit of help, I'd like to make another suggestion.  Could you go to someone in the medical profession (just your regular doctor is fine-- gp or whatever) and ask them why your mind is spinning like this and what there might be to do about it?  I think that your mind is keeping you from yourself-- something in all of this has been so sad and hurtful to you that your seratonin levels are wacky.  It's like spraining a muscle, or something, only this one stays sprained until it gets fixed.

Just for a month or two, it may make sense to get yourself back on track, give your mind the chance to get back in balance.  

I just mention this because you aren't sleeping, you can't seem to think about anything else, and you are running around on a mobius strip of anxiety.  What heppens if you reset your mind so that it can jump off of all of this for a bit?  You might really surprise yourself when you realize how much of this is just caused by an inbalance in your brain brought on by stress (if it is-- I can't know, of course, it's just a guess).

If you gave yourself this opportunity, it might be a lifesaver for you.  It has been for countless others.

[Anonymous]

i agree with vunil 1000%  

question is--is the unbalanced thinking of bkkabri able to hear that message about the unbalanced thinking? i hope so but i do have my doubts and guesses that the message will go unanswered and unconsidered.really very excellent observation and advice though.

[Anonymous]

Bkkabri, Wishing isn't going to solve your problems. You can't "wish" something one way or another. You've fixated on this woman to the point of madness. Do you think she's really worth it?

Do you have any hobbies or interests that can fill up your time instead of this woman? It's obvious she wasn't going to fulfill any of your needs, do you have something else that can even temporarily take that place?