am i a sponge

[lost soul]

Hello all,

Great site!

I have a question and perhaps I can get some feedback.

I have a father who is a narcissist and there is no doubting it. I understand the dilemna but still can not seem to shake something. I feel that I absorb all his negative energies and any worries he has he dumps on to me. I know that this is part of a narcissists behavior but I can't seem to shake it. It is so frustrating and it drains me emotionally. I have no energy and at times I feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down on me. Please help me find a way out of this trap.

Thank you in advance,

lost soul

[jondo]

dear lost soul,

Like you, I and most other victims of N's, we feel responsible for pretty much EVERYTHING.  I have always felt responsible/guilty for whatever the problem is.  It is so prevelent that it spills over into most relationships or situations - not just relations with the N.  After severing the "relationship" with my N mother, I found that those feelings of responsibility subsided greatly.  I had to learn to value myself and my voice and most significantly learn to consider my self instead of always meeting others peoples needs.  That was a big problem for me.  It's called pre-committments and is a character trait of alot of N vicims.  I hope this resonates with you.  Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I feel that I absorb all his negative energies and any worries he has he dumps on to me. I know that this is part of a narcissists behavior but I can't seem to shake it. It is so frustrating and it drains me emotionally. I have no energy and at times I feel like the whole world is going to come crashing down on me. Please help me find a way out of this trap.

Welcome, lost soul.

The answer is boundaries. A narcissist will dump his garbage into any available container, as long as that container is open. Your boundary is the cover on the container. If you put a cover on it, he will have to dump it elsewhere or process it himself. That is in everyone's best interests. One way to have boundaries is to stop yourself from joining in his worries and talk yourself down, i.e., say to yourself, "This isn't my problem. He has to deal with it," or something like that. Instead of being a sponge, you may have to become teflon.

bunny

[jondo]

Yes that's so true - it's all about boundaries.  My N mother knows no boundaries herself but more to the point - she feeds off of people that don't have boundaries.  These are people that in general, don't have the courage to oppose her agressiveness.  I have a sister that (fear-based relationship of control) simply cannot stand up to her and she continues to abuse her even at age 35.  I hope you are able to "close your lid" so to speak.

[mum]

Lost Soul:  now you are not lost, so remember that, ok?
I feel very strongly for you, as I almost feel your post could have been written by either of my children. Are you a minor?  If so, do you have a mother who is seperate from him?   Do you have options to not deal/live with him?

[serena]

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to explain it but I think the children of Narcissists can be very sensitive, empathatic and compassionate - more so than most.  This is probably due to the way we were treated and 'blamed' for everything along with other emotional abuse.  Narcissists are FANTASTIC at engendering Guilt into children and we grow into adulthood with this.  We always try to do the right thing, feel more Guilt than most and are the perfect repositories for Narcissistic malignancy.

It took me 41 years to realise that IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!  This board is really helpful and I hope you visit more.

[lulling]

We always try to do the right thing, feel more Guilt than most and are the perfect repositories for Narcissistic malignancy.

finally!!!! i could never explain why, after my mother would tell me how imperfect i was and how i was ruining what people thought of her, why i would feel bad if i even said one thing in response to her.  and why i feel guilty at work everytime i have to tell an employee that they are doing something wrong, even if they show no respect for me!  i thought i just had guilt issues!

[catlover]

Hi Lost Soul, and welcome to this site!  I have some info/experience on this topic I'd like to share with you:

I mention this book a lot on here, but I just have to mention it again because it specifically talks about the "sponge" phenomena and how to combat it.  The book is called "Children of the Self-Absorbed" and the sponge thing is called "projective identification."  I realized recently that I have been carrying around a lot of my nmother's crummy feelings and that they are not necessarily MY feelings - but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference!  Therapy helps.  Like other people in this thread, I also find that I accept responsibility for other people's feelings... My therapist calls this "enmeshment".  For example, my husband gets upset because I won't have sex with him.  My natural tendency is to get upset right along with him, and fret, and think he should find someone who satisfies him more, how I can't stand it, how I can't be happy if he's so unhappy, etc.  I have to practice letting his problems/feelings be HIS: I practice rolling over and going to sleep!  If I'm doing what I truly feel is kind to myself and others, if the others are upset about it, I don't need to get upset along with them!  Like lots of things, it takes practice, practice, practice.  I'm also doing some "self-reparenting" as suggested in John Bradshaw's book "Homecoming."  In particular, I am reading ten "New Rules" every morning, the first of which is that I own my feelings but do not take on others feelings!

[in the shadows]

You may not like this way but stay away from your father as much as you can i know you will love your family more than life itself but that has to stop take care and stay stong.