I'm new, hope someone can help with my story...

[India]

Hi everyone

I recently found this website while looking for some information on NPD. From briefly skimming through, I can see that everyone here has their own experiences with this, and hoped that I might be able to find a little support and advice.

Last year I met a man who swept me off my feet. He was so complimentary, sensitive, romantic and, within moments of meeting me, seemed to worship me like some sort of goddess. At first I was stunned that a man like this might actually exist! He wrote me songs and poems, brought me presents at work, wanted to see me every single second and proposed within a matter of weeks - I was smitten. But more overwhelming than this were his words to me. He told me at least 40 times a day that he loved me more than anything, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, that I was his perfect dream woman and that God had made us for one another - it really was intoxicating, and quite hypnotic.

However, we moved in together and things rapidly deteriorated. It started small, like him telling me that I wasn't really good at various things (cooking/cleaning, etc) but this was always followed by 'but it doesn't matter because you're so beautiful and I love you'. If anything went wrong, it was always because of me...again, it didn't matter because he loved me so much. It started getting bigger though, like him not telling me who he was on the phone to, or who had sent him a text message because I would be jealous and he was just protecting my feelings by not telling me?! I told him about my dream of leaving work to study to become a nurse, and he would tell me every time not to do it because I would make a terrible nurse. Every time we argued about something it ALWAYS was turned around to be my fault...perhaps because I was insecure and paranoid, or because I was dissatisfied with other areas of my life so I was causing arguments and I should see a therapist. All the time, I was feeling my self-confidence disappearing and becoming more and more dependent on this man for my self-esteem. I tried to leave a few times but was always enticed back with words of how much he loved me and would fight for me forever and how we would have a perfect future together. It continued to get worse though as we would fall out if I went down a different aisle from him in the supermarket, or if I didn't sleep close enough to him, with my body touching every part of his. He seemed to need CONSTANT attention - I've never seen anything like it. He was at the doctors all the time, took hundreds of different medicines, yet seemed perfectly healthy to me. He even once made me call an ambulance as he writhed and screamed in agony on his bed, but seemed to recover as soon as the paramedics started fussing over him and put him on a stretcher. I could never sit alone without him coming and asking to have cream applied to his skin, or his legs massaged, or just some form of attention, it was so draining. He also seemed to me to be a very accomplished liar. There was nothing that he couldn't do, or wasn't good at. Every achievement, or skill appeared to be blown out of all proprtion. He also talked a lot about moving to other cities and countries without any consideration as to the effect it would have on my own life.

Just over a week ago, I came home to find something carelessly abandoned on my bed that seemed to be placed there to cause me more insecurity (a computer printout of a very explicit MSN messenger conversation which churned my stomach.) I actually felt as though I was going mad, packed up my things and left. So far, I have had the strength to stay away, but the pull of the memories, and how he treatd me in the beginning are very powerful. He texted to ask if I was ever coming back and when I replied that I wasn't sure, he just seems to have vanished.

I recently read an article about people with NPD and many of the symptoms described seem to fit with this man. I'm sure that everyone here has a lot more experience and knowledge of the condition than I do, and I just wanted to ask if it maybe sounded like this is what he has. The article described how it was to be in a relationship with  a sufferer...the elaborate courtship and being made to feel like a goddess, but how they just use you as a supply of adulation for themselves...it all seemed to ring true for me.

I am finding it terribly difficult to think that I have given up a person who could be some perfect in the beginning....but if he does suffer NPD, then its not really genuine, is it? I am not sure where to turn for help or support. I am trying every day to convince myself that I have done the right thing and that I am better off by myself or with someone whose feelings are genuine.....but the way he treated me when he was nice is almost like a drug and I am struggling to stay away and remain without contact. Sometimes I wonder if all the compliments sort of brainwashed me!

If there is anyone out there who has been in the same situation, or can let me know where I can find any more information, then I really would be very greatful. I am sorry for the long post, or if I am looking for information in the wrong place, but it helps to get this off my chest!

Thank you for reading

India x

[Anonymous]

India X

In a word my dear person, you have escaped with your very life.  I am a survivor of 50 years with NPD family members, NPD significant others.

I do not know how old you are, but the best sage advice a mother could give her daughter with regard to this relationship.........run.  I bet if you checked you would find that this person has some kind of criminal background.  He was blatantly using you.  You meant nothing to him.  I know this is hard to read, but it is true.  I encourage  you not to contact him and to seek a therapist to work through the aftermath of this narc encounter.  A narc encounter of the third kind.

 Just remember what it felt like, what it looked like, what you endured for future reference when getting involved with others. We love to dwell on those "precious memories", but that is all they are memeories.  You were a cardboard cut out to him.  Moved at his will to fit his desires.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I know it is hard.  My heart breaks for you.  Please continue to post here.  There are many who can be of support and care. Much love, Patz

[mum]

India: Welcome.  You are certainly NOT alone in this.  Getting away from this man was the smartest thing you could do.  Staying away will be smarter still.
He sounds classic NPD!  And perhaps a few other scarier things, I don't know.  You might consider a therapist who could help you really FEEL those smart things you are thinking about.
STAY AWAY!  You probably are very attractive and certainly loveable, so you don't need that brick of a man around your neck!!!
You noticed all the warning signs and got out.  Consider yourself very very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Welcome India,

You came to the right place. Your ex sounds like a textbook case of narcissism (and maybe other problems as well). I urge you to check out the articles on this site. It has helped other people on this group. I think you'll feel better after reading "Identifying Losers in Relationships."

www.drjoecarver.com

bunny

[Brigid]

India,
Welcome and good for you.  Ditto to what the others have said.  Stay as far away as possible.  These NPD men and women exist on their charm and the ability to lure you in.  Lying is what they do best.  I would agree that there are probably things about him that you will never want to know about.  I would also agree that a good therapist is your best hope for healing right now.  Good luck.
Brigid

[serena]

Hi and Welcome India

The best thing you could do is print out your original post and keep it somewhere safe.  You will find by re-reading it that the answer to your own question if within.  This man was a leech who sucked you dry and then engineered the ending of your relationship with a backward glance.  I know you are grieving the enf of your time with him and also facing up to the terrible shock of his betrayal.  With the passage of time, you will realise that you had a very, very lucky escape.  Don't answer your phone / e-mail / text messages to him.  He will very quickly disappear!!!

[Blue Topaz]

Hi India,

I wanted to tell you how glad I am that you are out of there.  Yes, this man is psychologically ill & you are lucky as others have said, that you left when you did.  

Last year I met a man who swept me off my feet. He was so complimentary, sensitive, romantic and, within moments of meeting me, seemed to worship me like some sort of goddess. At first I was stunned that a man like this might actually exist! He wrote me songs and poems, brought me presents at work, wanted to see me every single second and proposed within a matter of weeks - I was smitten. But more overwhelming than this were his words to me. He told me at least 40 times a day that he loved me more than anything, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, that I was his perfect dream woman and that God had made us for one another - it really was intoxicating, and quite hypnotic.

One thing out of many that we talk about on the board here, is about recognizing red flags right in the beginning, before getting involved.  I quoted your opening because this is classic.  

When a man "worhips within moments of meeting" and all of the other things you mentioned....   It is time to lace up the runners and take off like you never have before in your life, as far away as you can.  No doubt about it.

The behaviors he did at the timing he did them & to the degree he did them are  always hallmark indicators of emotional immaturity & disturbances.  

Always question someone that you just met, who doesn't really even know you, dramatically professing their undying love for you.

Healthy & genuine love only evolves over time, when each has gotten to know the other very well, through time spent together.  

You might find it interesting & helpful to read the message of "write" under the thread "intimacy after narcisssim, as well.  

Take good care of yourself.

BT

[Anonymous]

India,
Have we been with the same man?! Reading your post sent shivers up my spine. VERY familiar and has been stated throughout this thread so far, he sounds text book. You have done the first right thing - gotten the hell out of there. Now the next right thing is to start learning about this insipid personality disorder. These men are intoxicatingly wonderful at first. We do, I believe, get addicted to how they make us feel. The Dr. Carver article that bunny posted help break through lots of my denial. Do keep posting and let us know how you're doing. And welcome!

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

India, listen to the wise, caring people here.  You are not alone.  Speaking as a man, I would want to get to know a woman to make sure that she was right for me.  It takes time to really get to know soemone and find out if they are a match for you.  Unfortunately, as I and others can attest, this personality problem is not limited to men.

You are better off without this person in your life.  When you feel confused or any other way for that matter, post here and get the support you need and deserve.  Talk to your other friends about it as well.  It really helps to shine the light of day on this kind of thing.  Welcome, by the way!  

[Chandra]

Last year I met a man who swept me off my feet. He was so complimentary, sensitive, romantic and, within moments of meeting me, seemed to worship me like some sort of goddess. At first I was stunned that a man like this might actually exist! He wrote me songs and poems, brought me presents at work, wanted to see me every single second and proposed within a matter of weeks - I was smitten. But more overwhelming than this were his words to me. He told me at least 40 times a day that he loved me more than anything, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, that I was his perfect dream woman and that God had made us for one another - it really was intoxicating, and quite hypnotic.

Dear India,

The beginning of my story reads exactly like yours. (You can look up the thread, "I have access to my N's personal email" if you are interested.) I completely fell in love with my N because of the incredibly beautiful things he said to me and because we had everything in common and because he told me I was his dream woman and the two of us had been waiting for many lifetimes to be together (and on and on). And the reason I didn't think it went too fast is because we were both in our later 40's and had been single for years. I just attributed the speed of it to it being so right and both of us being so ready and knowing exactly what we wanted and being so compatible. And I was deliriously happy and felt I deserved it after waiting for so long.

The difference between your story and mine is that my N left me very abruptly before I had a chance to move in with him and/or marry him. I didn't experience too much of the direct abuse that you did, other than in the brutal way he left me, which was pretty bad. I am really sorry you had to go through that. Maybe it will help you to put into perspective the magical beginning. Also, hearing your story makes me realize that I would have probably been telling a similar story had my N stuck around just a little bit longer.

but the way he treated me when he was nice is almost like a drug and I am struggling to stay away and remain without contact. Sometimes I wonder if all the compliments sort of brainwashed me!

When my N left, it felt like a drug withdrawal, so I appreciate your analogy. They can be so incredibly seductive, can't they?

I found a lot of comfort in the book Men Who Can't Love by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It  doesn't talk about Narcissism per sé, but I think you will find a lot there of value.

I wish you well in your healing process. You sound smart and strong for knowing when to leave.

Chandra

[India]

Thank you so much everyone!! I can't tell you how much better I feel for having read all yor replies this morning - I wasn't sure if anyone would answer, but thank you.

It certainly helps me to know that there are lots of other people who have experienced this. When I was with my boyfriend, he made me feel so super-special and unique and convinced me that our love was beyond anything that another person could experience, that I couldn't imagine anyone else would ever know how I felt or what I was talking about when I described it...so when it ended, I felt completely alone. In public and around my friends and family (on the rare occassions that he decided to join me with them) he put on such an enormous display of being affectionate to me and charming to everyone else, that people were shocked when I told them that I had left and why I had. People were always telling me how special and wonderful he was, and how lucky I should feel to have him, but behind closed doors it was a different story altogether.

This is my first experience with this condition, so I wasn't sure about symptoms, etc. However, I now feel that I can breathe a big sigh of relief and stop doubting if I have done the right thing. Thank you so much for all your kind words of support, I can't tell you how much better I feel about everything. Its so good to have 'experts' and people who can look on the situation from an outside point of view, and tell me that I am better off without this. I am sure that had I stayed, it would have gotten worse?

I will definitely have a look through the books recommended, the website, and through some other posts, as I think the more I learn about this, the less I will stop clinging onto memories that mean nothing....and perhaps post if I am ever feeling unsure.

Once again, thank you all so very much for taking the time to reply. I really am very grateful and would like you all to know that you have made me feel miles better and ready to start moving on from this very emotional time.

India x

[Anonymous]

hi India

But more overwhelming than this were his words to me. He told me at least 40 times a day that he loved me more than anything, that I was the most beautiful woman in the world, that I was his perfect dream woman and that God had made us for one another - it really was intoxicating, and quite hypnotic.

The next time this happens, you will start running until you're out of range won't you? You probably see now that this type of behaviour is quite nuts?

When I read your words above, my skin started to creep and I wanted to run away, I could feel a trap closing in on me!

Maybe you'd still like to hear those words? Or are you wiser now? take care, Portia

[Anonymous]

India X:

Do not contact this narc under any circumstances.  You very mental health depends on it.  Patz