this is where i belong?

[lulling]

hello, i guess i am the newest one here.  after feeling, since i was a little child, that something was just not quite right with my mother i think i may have finally found the right place.  please let me know if i belong here.  my mother was never cruel to me...but i always knew exactly what was expected of me...to be perfect...so as not to reflect badly upon her.  her goal was/is perfection..in both physical and social appearance.  i could never quite put a finger on it because everyone just loved her...thought she was so beautiful and funny.
i think i hit the last straw today, and finally attemped to determine what exactly it was the had rubbed me the wrong way all these years.
the real problem...can this be passed on to your children?  could i really be the same way?  my boyfriend often tells me that i always think that i am right and that i don't listen to his side of an argument.....exactly what my mother does.  if so, i think that i need to seek some help, i do not want to end up an manipulative as she is....
is this where i should be?

[phillip]

Lulling-This is a healing place and one where you may share your concerns about those important to you and yourself.  Childhood imprinting is a powerful learning tool.  we often take on the qualities of our parents simply because to us it is the norm, no matter how neurotic it may actually be.  Change and growth are good things and inevitable.  There are good people here.  welcome.

[Wispery]

From what I have come to understand...

Narcissism = manipulative

So that means you came to the right place. Welcome

[lulling]

after reading more of the posts i realized that i am in the right place after all.  i have a feeling that this is going to be a very rough time...as i need to really seperate myself from my mother (completely), and i know that she will begin to call and apologize and say she will never be this way again.  i hope not to complain too much..but thank you, in advance, for listening.

[Portia]

hello lulling
you're most probably in the right place, you sound as though you are. Don't worry about 'complaining', complain away as much as you want to, say what you want to, you're allowed to! It does us good too. I complain!

You're already not her. Please believe me, you're not going to be the same. How do I know? Because you're here and being vulnerable, a wonderful state to be in. Vulnerable is good, I think, it means we're open to new ideas. Open-minded, willing to change! Great.

I can have pretty narrow-vision sometimes. Think I know what's 'best'. I used to have trouble listening to other sides of an argument - maybe because of the twisted ways of communication in the house where I grew up? I hope I'm getting better at listening but hey, no-one's perfect, thank goodness, and we're all here to help each other out so, welcome  P

[bunny]

my mother was never cruel to me...but i always knew exactly what was expected of me...to be perfect...so as not to reflect badly upon her.  her goal was/is perfection..in both physical and social appearance.

Hi lulling. You're in the right place. And your mother was cruel to do this to you. If you've ever observed a child, you'd see how terrible it is to put a burden of "perfection" on him or her. They just want to be themselves. It's like crushing their soul.

the real problem...can this be passed on to your children?  could i really be the same way?  my boyfriend often tells me that i always think that i am right and that i don't listen to his side of an argument.....exactly what my mother does.  if so, i think that i need to seek some help, i do not want to end up an manipulative as she is....

We all pick up some annoying traits from our parents. It doesn't mean you're as manipulative as your mom. Maybe you want to work on allowing some space for each person to be right. Basically just a little cognitive-behavioral change. And remember, your mom wouldn't even give this a second thought! And you did.

bunny

[vunil]

Hi--

Everyone has different ways of processing/learning, but in case you are someone who likes to learn and ponder, as I am,  all of the details of what you've just learned about your family, I'd recommend reading some books.  I thought  "The Narcissistic Family" was awesome.  It's written for clinicians, but totally assessible to anyone, I think.  It describes a lot of parents just like your mother.  Also, "Why is it always about you" is a really great resource.  It took me about a week to read it because I kept putting it down and pondering-- it might strike lots of chords with you, too.  There is a section on narcissistic parents that is really helpful.

Happy reading, should you decide to do so!

[Anonymous]

thank you all for your responses.  it was such a rough day today...one of those days where after finally telling mom that i was not going to be a part of this dysfunctional relationship and that i did think that we should not communicate for a while she started crying and telling me that she could not understand why i was so mean and that the events of the past week (which i will not trouble you with) are not her fault, not anybodys fault (i suppose they just mystically fell out of the sky)
she gets me everytime with that...it is so hard to hear a grown woman cry...and i am sure that i will let her back in again...i always do.  she just goes from being to evil to so pathetic...grrr...it drives me nuts!
but again, thank you for letting me know that i am not the one who is off my rocker and that people like me actually exist...i thought that i was the only one who lived in a family like this

my next question, for anyone who wants to answer...what i do about her husband (my dad) who i love very much (he is a wonderful father) who cannot see any of her flaws?  everytime i say something to him about how awful she is being to me he can't believe it? (i just mentioned it for the first time about a week ago)  should i just stop bringing it up since he cant see it?  man.....then who do i turn to?  i just feel like i lost my whole family

[vunil]

my next question, for anyone who wants to answer...what i do about her husband (my dad) who i love very much (he is a wonderful father) who cannot see any of her flaws? everytime i say something to him about how awful she is being to me he can't believe it? (i just mentioned it for the first time about a week ago) should i just stop bringing it up since he cant see it? man.....then who do i turn to? i just feel like i lost my whole family

Everything I've read here, and in books on the subject, suggests that this desire we have to get everyone to "see the truth" is (1) a natural part of growing up with these people (since they lie to us, including lying about their emotions), and (2) impossible.

It's so tough to give that up!  It's my biggest struggle. But your dad doesn't want to see it.  He isn't going to just suddenly see it now.  And it's likely he has his own stuff (to use a clinical term!) going on that explains why he is there in the first place.  Explaining it all to him in bitter detail, using just the right examples and the right words-- I know that fantasy well.  It's just not one that can come true.

As for your Mom's tears, I recognize that pattern.  I had it in my family, too, with the random and strangely forceful rejections followed by very emotional "reunions" with expressions of "remorse" and "sadness."  And I was always made to feel guilty somehow about all of this-- if I reacted with anything negative throughout the process then lots of tears would flow and I would be told something along the lines of  "I love you but obviously you don't feel the same way."   It was like some really badly made Italian movie.  It can do a number on you.

If your instinct to her tears is "here we go again!" then trust that instinct.

Hang in there.  We are all here because it's a long process, and it's nice to know there are fellow travelers.

[bunny]

she gets me everytime with that...it is so hard to hear a grown woman cry...

...which is exactly why she does it. Crude manipulation. I understand if you relent, she's your mother and there is a powerful attachment there. But it doesn't mean her tears change who is responsible for whose behavior. She's responsible for her bad behavior. If she refuses to be accountable, that doesn't change it.  

my next question, for anyone who wants to answer...what i do about her husband (my dad) who i love very much (he is a wonderful father) who cannot see any of her flaws?  everytime i say something to him about how awful she is being to me he can't believe it? (i just mentioned it for the first time about a week ago)  should i just stop bringing it up since he cant see it?  man.....then who do i turn to?  i just feel like i lost my whole family

He's her husband and he lives with her. So there is no way he's going to hear the truth about her. He had to buy in to a lot of lies in order to live with her (massive denial). You aren't going to break through it (sorry...). Yes I'd stop bringing it up, and turn to a therapist, and to others who understand.

bunny