Author Topic: Destroying an N is self defense not revenge  (Read 2780 times)

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« on: February 17, 2005, 09:42:58 PM »
I'll keep this as short as I can. I have been in business with my brother for over fifteen years. During that time he has been almost impossible to deal with and has only gotten worse. Finally after 10 years of doing all the work and getting half the money while he traipsed around the world, I told him I no longer wanted to be in business with him. We acquired about a thousand acres of property in our business and I asked him to divide it any way he wanted and I would take whatever half he didn't want. He told me if I wanted my property I would have to sue him. After fruitlessly trying to appease him for another year and a half I finally did sue him. And so began his campaign to destroy me and my family. His slanders and libels and manipulations have destroyed my relationship with my mom and sisters and cousins. My daughter has not seen her grandmother in two years because she (my mother) bought his lies. I am barred from the family property. He has cost me literally hundreds of thousands of dollars by delaying things for nearly five years now. He is trying to bankrupt me so that he can steal my half of the property which is worth a couple of million dollars. He has brought tremendous emotional pain and stress to both my wife and me. I could fill a book with the crap this jerk has pulled but most people here undoubtedly could write their own.
  This is the point I would like to make. In two weeks I am filing a MASSIVE defamation, fraud, breach of contract etc. suit against him. I have the documents and the witnesses to make it stick, but more importantly I intend to knock his God blessed head so far off that he permanently seeks some other victim or has a breakdown and actually might seek help. This is not revenge it is survival. This is the only way I have to get this malignant growth permanently off my back. If I destroy him financially and take everything he owns I will sleep like a baby. He did nothing to help me in the business other than manipulate me with false promises for years so that I would make him a living and complain that I wasn't making him enough. It is largely irrelevant to me how he got to be like this and it is at the moment largely irrelevant to me whether or not he is in psychic pain. I don't care if Scott Peterson was feeling a little out of sorts when he killed his wife and son so why should I care if a guy who is attempting to destroy me is? If I can remove the red hot poker from my eye and the knife from my back and the fang marks eventually heal up then maybe I'll have a little more pity for him; right now I'm reserving my empathy for his victims, and yes that includes me.
  Perhaps some N's don't know they're nuts and perhaps they are to be pitied and I do love him in the Christian sense in that I hope and pray that somehow he is healed, but I can assure you he knows he is screwed up and he knows exactly what he's doing. I have, to my eternal shame, sat by and watched him try to destroy other people prior to me. I have listened to his calculated lies. I have watched his pride in twisting the knife in somebody who wouldn't make their kow tow to the king. It was only about 6 or 8 months ago that I even found out about NPD when I described his behavior for about thirty seconds to a therapist friend who said "Oh, he's a narcissist." When I looked at the DSM lV description of NPD I was surprised his picture wasn't at the top of the page. He has all nine "symptoms" in spades.
  I guess the point of this post is that perhaps in some cases it is best to just walk away. But in many it is not possible, nor do I even think it is ethical. Letting some arrogant incompetent nutbag get away scot free while they destroy peoples lives is, to me,  immoral if something can be done about it. And it just reinforces the nutbag's behavior to let them go. It doesn't mean we should engage in slander and manipulation, it simply means we should be wise as serpents, gather our evidence and seek compensation for the damage these psychological vampires inflict on perfectly harmless people.
  One last thing. My behavior toward my wife and daughter and friends was pretty bad when I sat back and endured this crap for a couple of years without defending myself. I was depressed and irritable all the time. It has been a revelation to be on the offense for the last few months knowing that he is about to, for once, have to suffer the consequences of his actions. The idea that knocking one of these weirdo's teeth out makes you just as bad as them or turns you into one of them is preposterous. It has been liberating and therapeutic. I treat normal people the way I used to now because my anger and purpose are properly directed at the cancer in my life rather than directed away from him because I was afraid of provoking him further.
 Sorry I didn't keep it too short but it sure felt good to get a small portion of it out.

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2005, 12:43:12 AM »
Welcome guest,

I don't see this as revenge. It's justice. And I hope you win in court.

bunny

miaxo

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2005, 07:39:11 AM »
You have suffered long enough.  Now it is time for justice to be served.

I'm glad to hear you have all your ducks in a row.

Best of luck and keep us updated.

Mia

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2005, 09:10:00 AM »
Hi Guest:

Good for you for standing up for yourself and your family.  It's a hard thing to do, especially when the underlying fear is that it will make him/things worse.  That takes real courage!

It must feel like revenge for you to finally expose his behaviour to the world?  The truth is he has ripped you off and caused you harm with his slanderous lies and crooked behaviour.  Gee....can I relate!!

You've done a bit of good venting here.  Maybe you need to do some more?  If so, go ahead.  Better here than in other areas of your life and toward other people.  Is there more than just anger brewing?

Directing your wrath toward the cause feels so correct, doesn't it?
Being able to put the truth on paper and file it with a court of law maybe feels like a weight lifted?  I'm glad you are able to get this much going.  I hope things go well for you and justice is served.

GFN

vunil

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2005, 09:22:48 AM »
I agree that this isn't revenge-- he really is trying to take your money, and really did defame you.  You are going to court to prove this.

Revenge would be more like if you went to his house and killed his dog.  Or something.

(don't get any ideas!)



He sounds absolutely awful.  He doesn't seem like he's going to have the Big Revelation, so definitely don't bank on that.  But do take back what you are owed and then cut your losses.  

It's annoying how Narcissists just swallow up the world around them and make it worse.  Here's to your rebuilding what he's destroyed.

write

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no
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2005, 09:43:34 AM »
it's not revenge- you have been cheated and are left with no choice but to make your case in court.

You might want to seek therapy when it's all over though, to deal with the many strong emotions and help you move on: being the victim of a narcissist can be a trauma which oulasts the initial victimisation, and especially with this being a relative who you are likely to see/ hear about for years to come, or feel pain with all the broken family relationships.

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2005, 10:20:48 AM »
I think revenge is not appropriate word in your case.  You are owed something by another in a contractual sense (at least I hope it was in writing) and they are not willing to honor that obligation.  Unfortunately I have two brothers who could be your twin in this situation. It has totally fragmented our family as well.  They no longer speak to each other, interact.  This also rolls downhill so to speak as their respective children no longer associate as well.  The bitterness, missed communications, resentment.........which I am sure you can relate to is truly overwhelming.  I as their elder sibling, can only step aside because I do not know who is right and who is wrong.  There is plenty of blame  to go around.  Both are N's.  Both with not admit to any wrong doing as to who did what.  After 30 years of being in business with each other, it is much to convoluted to say one specific thing led to the other.  I only know I have a relationship with one N brother who obessess on "how he did me so wrong" and no communication with the other N brother for about 2 years.  

This is not to mimimize your plight, but to only point out the generational fallout that is to come through your own children and the connections to their extended family.   I am there presently.  Patz

Female aged mid- fifties

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I sympathise
« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2005, 11:05:41 AM »
Hi to the original poster,

I sympathise as your brother sounds very much like my older sister, who tortured me in childhood and again after my mother died five years ago ran my (normal) brother and I in circles and cost us $60,000 in additional legal fees resolving mum's Estate. My bro sued her in the end and she backed down as he went after her with big guns (so to speak) firing. She finally caved in and we were able to wind up the Estate. (whew, it is still hard to believe) Don't let up with your bro as if you allow even one inch of daylight in under that door he will be after you. Also, get an order from the judge at the end of the case that he has to leave you alone and never contact you again. Pray that he starts picking on someone else once the court action is over.

Also, get help. You may not realise it but you have been sent into "shock" by this and will be left with PTSD. A therapist can help.

Good luck,

S

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2005, 02:05:47 PM »
I'm the original poster.
   I would like to thank everyone for the responses.
   I think I should add a few things. I did write him a letter giving him the opportunity to fix a minimal amount of the damage he has done to avoid a lawsuit. I of course knew this was hopeless but I did want to demonstrate suing him is a last resort. I would also like to point out that the money is the least of my concerns. The destruction of my family relationships is worse. But the harm done to my wife and daughter is the worst of all. That is the main reason I want to deliver a knockout blow; to permanently remove him and his malignant presence from our lives. My mom and sisters know in their hearts what a creep he is; they have chosen to take the easy way out and pretend one of the other sheep isn't getting eaten. But my wife and daughter don't have a choice; theyre attached to me.
  As far as a generational problem, thank God he is so insecure and screwed up he has never been married or had any kids. He's married to himself.
  As to therapy, I may need it and not even know it, I don't know. I can tell you this, I am a Christian and this experience has strengthened my faith in and reliance on God immensely. In fact it was due to prayer that I was able to step out of the hopelessness of doing nothing and start fighting back. I believe God is the best therapy, and because I had lost hope in Him I sank into depression. I wondered where He was in all of this. But He showed me the many wonderful blessings I have regardless of what my knothead brother does. He showed me He has been by my side all along. I don't know how anyone could get through something like this without Him.
  I will keep everyone posted as things progress if for no other reason than it might show someone what to do (or not do) in a similar situation.
  One last thing, I said in my first post that I felt no pity for him. That is not true. Deep down under the anger and pain I feel deeply sorry for the jerk because I know what a scared little rabbit he is despite all the bluster and bullying.

  PS. Someone suggested I not kill his dog as that would constitute revenge. If he ever owned a dog I'm pretty sure it would have more sense than I did and run away and never come back the first time he let it out of the house.

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2005, 02:59:22 PM »
Hi original poster:

Quote
I said in my first post that I felt no pity for him. That is not true. Deep down under the anger and pain I feel deeply sorry for the jerk because I know what a scared little rabbit he is despite all the bluster and bullying.


This is an example of the confusion and conflicting emotions people may feel as a result of dealing with those who behave like your brother.  For me, one minute, all this anger flares up and bubbles over.  The next, I feel guilty for being so angry with such a pitiful soul.  Then, I'm sad and feel a lack of energy, all used up.  Then....next thing I know, I'm getting tiffed again.  Over and over, as the wheel of time turns, so does this circle of confusion.  I think it is something that just has to be released over time.
It took a long time for your brother to cause you this much pain and the cure won't come instantly.  But the relief of having him out of your life will be quite nice, I bet.

It's bad enough to be treated like such an object by your brother, but to see the hurt it causes your wife and daughter, is a double blow, for sure.   The interference in your relationships is just another great strike.  And you have really weathered well because you are not out to skin him alive, nor cook his goose (heehee---which would have flown away the first chance too, no doubt).  All you want is to take some of what he stole back.

That's still not revenge.     It is only just.
Hold onto your faith and your hope for the future.

GFN

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2005, 06:52:40 PM »
Original Poster:

Thank God he had no children to pass this narc enviornment on to.  I unfortunately am not so lucky.  It will be a generational thing with the rest of my family.  

Just keep your faith in God strong, because He will be there for you.  My prayers are with you and your family. Patz

Anonymous

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2005, 11:16:33 AM »
To Patz,
  Thank you for your support and I will pray for the children in your family that they can overcome the harm of your brothers' problems. You said in your first e-mail that both your brothers are Ns but that you didn't know who was right or wrong. You obviously know your family better than I do but in my experience they're both wrong. I don't think it is possible for an N to be right in an interpersonal relationship. They give as good as they get.

Original poster.

ResilientLady

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2005, 06:19:47 PM »
Quote
I sat back and endured this crap for a couple of years without defending myself. I was depressed and irritable all the time (..)It has been liberating and therapeutic.

I totally agree. Defense through action IS therapeutic. It reminds me when I reported an Nxbf (harrassement, death threats) to the police (a gf "forced me to do it", b/c I was paralyzed by fear).
That was the first step ever I made towards recognizing and fighting against ANY abuse.
Take care.
-RL

bludie

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Destroying an N is self defense not revenge
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2005, 07:17:38 PM »
Original guest,
It's pretty much all been said. The only thing I hope for you is to let  the legal system do its job. Try (easier said than done) not to allow each waking moment to be consumed. N's are toxic emotional vampires. Not only has your brother robbed you financially; more importantly he has damaged you emotionally; especially with the family problems you describe. The less free-rent head space you devote to this vermin, the better.

Good luck and keep posting.

bludie
Best,

bludie