Hi,
I empathize deeply with you. My mother is at least in some aspects N. I suffered all the usual: depression, suicidal ideation, complete sense of failure. My 20's seemed to be the worst.
I can't tell you how you will get better, only that you will because you want to. You will find your way. I can't even give you a step-by-step of how my own progression went. I did some therapy. I wrote in a journal for years. I did keep my distance from my mother in my 30's. I didn't break contact, I was just busy a lot. The distance helped.
The most important step I took was going back to school. What that did for me was offer me a place where I was treated as an individual. At the time I didn't even think of myself as an individual, but as a daughter, a mother, a wife, etc. The me, that was uniquely me, was lost to me. School helped me to find myself.
Going back to school was scary, but I began one step at a time, one course at a time. Before I knew it, I had graduated. School is also demanding, it helps to keep one focused. The decision to go back to school accomplished a lot for me. I was treated as Joann on my own merits, I was doing something for myself, and success motivated me to keep moving forward.
Take one step at a time. Find something to get involved with that is for you alone. It doesn't have to be school, but I think it is important that whatever it is, it is for you alone, not for you the wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc.
The journey is very long. I wish it were not, but for me it was. Eventually, the depression lifts. And you will know when it does. For me, it was as if a a veil had been lifted from in front of my eyes. The colors of the world were actually brighter. Then one day I knew with a certainty who I was as an individual. No doubts at all. I could separate who I was from who my mother was. Now I like myself. I know myself. I accept myself, warts and all.
It is very sad that the first half of our lives we spend surviving our environment and the second half recovering from the first half. But, do not doubt it, things will get better. Try not to get discouraged. You can thrive.
About the relationship with your family. I would not presume to give adivise here. We are all different and our experiences differ. I will share with you that for me, in the end I could not maintain much closeness with my mother. But, that is my choice. You will know what is right for you when the time is right.
Now my journey is to try to understand Ns. I wish I had known about this sooner. But then, the right time is always now, isn't it?
I wish you much sunshine on your journey.
Jo