I am depressed and discouraged

[TorZombie]

I call myself  TorZombie in this forum.  

I am a current university student, doing business at U of T.  So what? what's the big deal?  I have been depressed for almost 5 years, had bad relationship with people, friends, and ex-boyfriends.  

I really feel useless aboyt myself.  I have a history of being picked by bullies.  Is it because I am small and skinny?  My family and friends always saids I have a childish voice, a childish face, a small appearance, and I act like a child.  Some times i even thought of suicide.  

Sigh, I've been to a pshciatrist and a couserllor during these past months, sometimes it seems to help, sometimes it doesn't.  I still feel hopeless.  recently, my boyfrind broke up with me because he thinks i am always depressed.  I feel so sad about it.  I feel that no one will ever want to be with me again, I won't get another boyfriend again, and I won't even get married in my life.

And my mom is alwasy so over-protected.  I don';t really appreaciate that.  These few days I heard my mom saying to my sis that "Zombie cannot face stress and she is so innocent that she cannot deal with people and work place politics.  I sugguest Zombie to become an ordinary office clerk."  I feel so bad , so bad, after hearing that!  maybe she;s right, i can't handle the workplace politics.  I am just pure useless!

Sometimes i feel that god is playing tricks with me.  I sometimes jsut want to suicide, but always afraid of the pain i have to go through.  I know I shouldn't suicide and there is no reason to be unhappy because I have a good family.  I have a mom, a dad, and a sister.  And I am a lot fortunate compared to those who are affected by the tsunami.  BUt i just feel so miserable! I don;t know what to do!  

I feel i am alone in this world, I am alone with this problem.

[Guest from afar]

Hi Tor,

You sound like a really sweet person with a lot to contribute to the world, including the workplace. I'm sure your mother doesn't realise the harm she is doing by speaking of you so negatively. What makes her think she is an expert in what is needed to cope in the workplace? I feel sure you will be able to cope just fine.

Of course it's a good idea to ask for professional help with your depression, so do see a doctor to discuss your feelings and mood.

Although the world can seem tough at times there is also a lot of happiness to be had. You did well to post for help here and I encourage you to keep talking to the people in this forum.

By the way, your boyfriend was mean for deserting you when you felt down. Find friends who will be supportive and stay away from people who make you feel worse about yourself.

((hugs))

S (female aged in fifties)

[vunil]

Hi,  Tor!

Hang in there!  You have a lot more strength than you realize.

Definitely go talk to someone about your feelings, and be really honest with them about the depth of your sorrow, even if you feel embarrassed.  This is very serious stuff that you are dealing with and should be treated with the utmost respect and diligence.  You can get yourself through this.


It takes awhile for women to develop the assertiveness it takes to get out there in the world and mix it up with everyone else.  I know; I was very sensitive, like you, and was dismissed by my family, like you.  But now I am very successful, as assertive as can be, and happy.  You  have a bright future.  Just give yourself the time to get there!

Your letter suggests that you think of yourself as less than other people, smaller, weaker, less worthy.  Why do you think this? It isn't true!  Figure out what is making you think this (is it your family?) and try to distance yourself from it.  

Keep posting-- we'll try to help you with your feelings.  

vunil

[jondo]

Hello.  I want to say that you sound exactly like my youngest sister.  She was the youngest of 4 children that were all abused by my N mother and silent father.  Abused in all ways - especially lack of bonding, contact, emotional etc.  My sister was the most abused and she carries the results very clearly. She was also suicidal and completely without confidence or self-esteem.  She knew she was smart however something was causing this disturbance, she felt.  I have always associated the varying tendencies that all of my brothers and sisters have, directly to the abuse - it is obvious.  The mother relationship was as unhealthy as could possibly be.  Here is the important part.  I talked to my sister about N and what how it affects people.  Being a university student in the sociology field, she was starting to understand these types of things.  Well, she's a master olf this knowledge now and is probably the most healthy of all the children now.  She's a single-parent, university student and she manages very well.  The key was this.  She ended her relationship with the N mother and is now able to assign the cause of her problems.  What is so strikingly similar to your situation is this.  She was also the very weak and skinny, quiet and mouse-like.  This is exactly the type that N's eat for breakfast.  They cannot control themselves.  They are drawn to these easy prey and in alot of cases the phenomenon sees the victim drawn to these bullies also.  You have to close your "lid" and people will not be invited to dump their garbage inside.  It's a matter of boundaries.  Give yourself voice and people will sense that you are not inviting this abuse.  I pray for you now.

[vunil]

PS  One thing I realized after years of also feeling like less, feeling discouraged, always feeling I was unworthy of others or deeply flawed in some way was this:

I was feeling that way because someone wanted me to.

Someone trained me to feel that way.

There was no truth whatsoever to my characterization of myself-- it was completely placed on me by others (in my case, my family).

When I decided to stop serving them by acting out their fantasy of me, then everything got better.  

I realized it was my life, not their life, and it isn't my job to make them feel better.

Sometimes to get there you have to let yourself get really angry.

[write]

I find this website so helpful in reframing things http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel1.htm

[mum]

Please don't despair.  In therapy, like in life, some days are helpful and sometimes it doesn't make a dent.  Please keep seeing a therapist...in the big picture, it doesn't validate those negative claims that you are somehow '"less" or faulted, but says you are worthy of care.  You are.
Those feelings you have regarding yourself are just wrong.  Someone else planted those in there.  Those are other's voices talking.  Take the time and do the work to find YOUR voice, your truth.  Be good to yourself.  Have some compassion for yourself.  Treat yourself gently....those others you describe have given you unhealthy beliefs and a great dose of pain....find a way to not hold that anymore, and find what you deserve and want in this life.  It IS attainable.  There is a way out and up and into joy.  Hang in there.
Keep posting, there are good souls here, who have been where you are.

[IN THE SHADOWS]

I know how you feel im there my self tried the suicide still try but i learnt to live for the person i felt needed me the most so i now live for my mother if you try that then spend a weekend out having a laugh with your friends and pull yourself out of this rut your in and i dont know about how you look i have never met you but you are beautiful on the inside and thats what counts so be strong and live life to the full. Enjoy yourself! you still can.  

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel im there my self tried the suicide still try but i learnt to live for the person i felt needed me the most so i now live for my mother if you try that then spend a weekend out having a laugh with your friends and pull yourself out of this rut your in and i dont know about how you look i have never met you but you are beautiful on the inside and thats what counts so be strong and live life to the full. Enjoy yourself! you still can.  [you have a life to live keep your chin up and smile]

[longtire]

Dear Tor,
Hang in there.  You are doing the best thing for yourself by sharing your thoughts and feelings with others in a safe envorinment.

The things your mother is saying to you are so full of hate.  On the surface, they may sound like she's trying to help, but she isn't helping, is she?  The truth is you are valuable just for being alive.  The truth is you CAN face stress, workplace politics, and anything else you need to face to do what you want to do with your life.  I suggest limiting the time you are around or talk with your mother.  Use your time to find out who you really are, not who she's trying to convince you that you are.  Read more of other people's postings here and compare them to your situation.  I believe you will find many other people have similar situations to yours.  You are not alone in feeling this way.

I suffered "Moderate" Major Depression.  Let me tell you, it didn't feel "moderate!"  I came within minutes of killing myself.  I didn't because I just didn't want to die alone, with no one in my life who really knew or cared about me.  Looking back, if I had killed myself, it would have been a terrible waste.  You see, the depression and the hopelessness didn't come from inside me.  THE DEPRESSION WAS PUT THERE BY OTHER PEOPLE WHO TRIED TO USE ME TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER.  Sorry for yelling at you, but I want to make sure that you "hear" me.  I felt like killing myself because of the untrue things that other people told me about myself.  I was depressed because I started to believe these untruths.  When I realized where these beliefs were coming from and that they weren't actually true when I checked them out, I was able to start healing.

Someone who truly loves you and cares for you will not take on your issues and try to solve them for you.  They won't run away like your "boyfriend" when things get tough.  They won't tell you how you "are."  People who care about you will tell you so.  They will listen to YOU tell them who you are.  They will be with you without feeling like they have to solve problems for you.

I know this is hard to really believe right now.  I've been where you are now.  Its no fun at all.  The best thing you can do right now is hang in there.  Don't give up.  And do tell your therapist and/or counselor about feeling hopeless and suicidal.  They can help if you let them.

[bkkabri]

I feel the same way.  I sometimes feel like no matter how hard I try, I am sent somebody hell on earth to rip me apart.  I dont understand why woman are so insecure at least in my life.  I dated a woman who was bulimic and I didnt know.  We were at Xmas dinner, and when the food was past out at the table, my girlfriend at the time started crying.  Nobody else is crying.  Seven couples are looking at me like I did something to her.  I didnt know the hell was happening.  Now my new ex is loving me and then just one day out of the blue she acts the same way.  Not crying but being as cruel as can be.  I have such bad memories of things that should be so good.  I try so hard to understand how a grown woman can be so insecure, and be so insenitive to the holiday of Xmas to buy porn.  Its not the porn, its the memory that somebody else would shit on me when all I did was try to be good to them.  I dont want to be good to anybody anymore.  It hurts too much.  How do you guys get thru the day even though you know its a disorder.  I am afraid of my own shadow.  I feel like I am dead inside.  I feel like if I start to feel happy somebody will come and destroy it.  I dont know what the hell I am talking about.  My mind rambles inside so I write because it hurts to keep it inside.  Why did this to happen to me again.  They say god gives you only enough that you can handle.  I cant handle anymore.  I really want to talk to my ex again but I want to talk to the facade because I miss her so much.  God I want to be a good man.

[vunil]

Tor--

How are you feeling now?  Have these boards helped you?  Please let us know what else we can do to help.  It does sound as if you are dealing with alot right now.

[TorZombie]

Hello everyone, thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments with me.  I read a lot of posts in the forum the the past 2 days, and i found that many people have their own problems. Sometimes I can relate myself to them.  

I am still kind of lost right now, a lost soul.  I really hoppe to see light again in this world.  And I really hope to build up on my confidence and self-esteem.  I am still so lost right now that I missed my midterm test.  And that will put a deep impact into my marks.  

I don't know what to say right now, but I am really glad people are replying my post.

[bunny]

Hi TorZombie,

I'm sorry that you missed your midterm. It sounds like you could use a lot of support to get you through all the pressure from your parents, and the stress of university. I think you're seeing a therapist, right? Is that person helpful...?

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi TorZombie:

I'm sorry that you are feeling so sad and alone and I'm glad that you are posting here and reaching out for support.  That is a very good thing.

You must be a smart girl because they don't just let anyone into U of T.  Your marks must have been very good to be accepted there.  One missed midterm doesn't have to ruin it all.

Can you go to the doc, explain your situation, get a note, and possibly still have a chance to write that exam?  It all depends on what you really want, how quickly you act and ofcourse, those involved.  They may understand and give you a chance.  Maybe it is worth a try?

What do you really want?  Do you want to stay in school?  What are you studying (if you don't mind answering)?  One thing...school is a good distraction from your troubles, right?  You can keep yourself busy with school work.

It is hard to experience the end of relationships, especially when you are already feeling down.  I don't know how long you were with your boyfriend but the fact that you mention the breakup means you are probably grieving that loss right now.  That's hard for you to deal with, especially at mid-term time I bet.  The good news is.....now you are free to work on you, without the interference of any relationship.  You can focus your energy on helping yourself.

The only way to get through grieving is to grieve, so go ahead.  Allow yourself to release your feelings and let the pain come out.  That way there will be no chance for your grief to be buried inside and cause you to feel more depressed, for a longer time.

There are some interesting ideas on grief at this link, left side of screen:

http://www.grief.net/ArticleIndex.html

One thing it seems is that you are not real happy with your life right now.
What if you try your hardest to think of one thing you would like to see different in your life and work on that?  For instance, if you decide that you really don't like feeling sad so much of the time, what if you look for ways to feel happy?   Search for self-help books and read them, do some things you like to do, listen to your favorite music, spend time with people you like, keep going to your therapist and pamper yourself in whatever ways you can think of?

This is important right now because it will help to lift you out of your sadness.  But it's up to you to try.

The reality is.....we have to make our own way in the world and we can do it with a smile, or without one.   Sometimes we really can't help but smile and other times it's darn hard to smile.  Still....we can decide that it's time to try harder to smile more, enjoy our lives more, strive to be happier.   It takes effort but change is possible.
I hope this helps a little.  Best wishes to you.

GFN