Just heard from my exN after 8 months

[Brigid]

Chandra,
I've been away for a few days and am having to catch up on all that's been going on.  Keep up the strength.  You do not want to contact him in any way.  In my humble opinion, he is testing to see if he can still draw you in.  That feeds his N fix knowing that you still pine for him and he could have you back if he wanted to.  Remain indifferent and unavailable.  I agree that using another dating site might be a good idea.

I have written many e-mails that have never been sent--to him, his mother, sister, girlfriend and anyone else who is blind to his hidden personality.  It helps to vent those frustrations, but sending them would be a waste of time.  Be grateful that you do not have children that bind you to this creep forever more.  Be grateful that you can wipe him off your slate of life and never think of him again.  Why would you want this man as a friend?  Friends do not treat each other the way he treated you.  

Keep moving forward and leave him far, far behind.  Expect the ups and downs, but know it will get better and you will find someone better and more deserving when the time is right.

[Anonymous]

Chandra,
I think all the replies have been from women so far so let me give you a man's perspective as it will probably be much different...... OK, its exactly the same. Don't answer him, don't think about him, just thank your lucky stars you're rid of him. And for heavens sake, if he is truly NPD never ever ever expect him to change except for the worse. Especially if he's got gender and addictive issues on top of it. Gadzooks what a combo!
I've been happily married for almost fifteen years and don't hear a whole lot about the singles scene, so my question to all the gals here is, are there any normal guys out there anymore? Or were there ever very many? I  must admit the older I get the smaller the pool of normal people seems to be, whatever normal is.
Anyway Chandra you only have to find one to be blessed so keep looking and he'll come along.  

[Brigid]

Guest,
I can reply based on my recent experiences of entering the dating world after being married for 23 years.  There are some nice, normal men out there, but you have to be willing to "kiss a lot of frogs" so to speak.  It is very difficult to find the right combination of chemistry plus normality, but if you are determined and proactive, it can happen.   Right now I am just looking for companionship and good conversation and have made some nice male friends who can provide things (nothing sexual) my girlfriends cannot.  When I am really ready to seek a serious relationship, I want to have experienced a broad range of male personalities so I know what it is I'm looking for.  Right now I'm just "shopping."

[Anonymous]

Brigid:

I admire your "going through all the frogs"!  I have not dated for some time, I am somewhat scared to do so.  I just don't have the energy to find that needle in the haystack.  This is not to say there aren't any "good" men out there, I am sure there are.  My problem is, I have been on my on so long, rather set in my ways, I don't think I have the flexibilty necessary and I might end up being a difficult issue for a really nice person.  (Geez I hope I am not becoming an N).  Patz

[Chandra]

Hi Brigid and Male Guest,

That's pretty unanimous advice from this board: ignore him. And I have.

I've been reading another board and I don't think my exN is quite as pathological as some Ns. But what does it matter, really? He wasn't nice to me, so even if he isn't a full blown N, he's not a good guy. And the gender/sexual issues would certainly have come into play down the road.

It is very difficult to find the right combination of chemistry plus normality

Brigid, this is so true. And I wonder sometimes if, for me, "chemistry" equals "excitement" equals "someone who is not good for me." The nice, normal guys are a little boring. As I write this, I can see how I might be choosing men who are not good for me. I've seen other women choose what I consider to be losers, and I just never thought of myself as one of those women, since my men are never violent, nor heavily involved in drugs and/or alcohol. They have good jobs and careers and haven't been in trouble with the law. In other words, they seem successful. But probably, they are emotionally unavailable and maybe I have radar to detect it and be drawn to it. If we really do play out old scripts from childhood, here's mine: my dad was gone a lot and didn't pay all that much attention to his little daughter (me). And my mom has N traits. Maybe I'm just damaged goods. I'm 47 and never been married. I've had the attention of many men and a couple that wanted to marry me. I've been in love 5 times but those relationships didn't last. I've dated a lot. Most of the men I date are interested in me. I am the one who seems so selective. And then the ones I select end up leaving.

That is why it seemed so very different with this last guy. He seemed very normal, very nice, and very ready to be with one woman and make a commitment to her. Plus we had so much in common and were so attracted to one another. I thought, "Finally! A nice, normal guy and there is chemistry plus common goals. I have finally found what has eluded me for so long! It's finally my turn to have what it seems everyone else has had, at least once." This is partly why it was so devastating when he left.

With regards to getting over him, I can see how time is really on my side. And I can see that I'm fortunate to have no lasting ties, like children or property issues. This too shall pass and I so look forward to being happy again.

Chandra

[Lara]

Chandra,
Congratulations on being strong and ignoring the contact from your ex;not always easy when we still remember from time to time how 'right' we thought the relationship was.

I'm wondering what happens after eight months to prompt these guys to get in touch;mine also contacted me after eight months of silence,(that was back in September.)

I think that you are right to remind yourself that even if your ex's behaviour doesn't seem as extremely N as some people's, that it is still not good for YOU. Also, when you posted about what he had written to you earlier in the week, I noticed that he had not included any apology for his behaviour when the relationship finished, any acknowledgement of how you would be feeling or had been feeling through the previous eight months, or any concrete suggestion,to meet up for example.In all respects, my ex's first attempt to regain contact were the same. (Not that we would want to meet up with them if they had suggested it...it just struck me that these messages were only words in a vacuum.)

Getting over these people seems to be such a long and tiring process;but as you said, time,(and our new instincts for self-protection) must be taking us there slowly.)

Sincerely,
Lara.

[chandra]

Also, when you posted about what he had written to you earlier in the week, I noticed that he had not included any apology for his behaviour when the relationship finished, any acknowledgement of how you would be feeling or had been feeling through the previous eight months, or any concrete suggestion,to meet up for example

Hi Lara,

Right on! He's never even apologized other than in "a vacuum" as you put it: just empty words not responding to the specifics. He had a perfect opportunity to do so. About two months after he'd left me, I wrote him a detailed email listing all the things he'd said and all the contradictory things he'd done and how I felt (lied to/abandoned/betrayed). It wasn't overly scathing. I just wanted him to know how his words and actions affected me. I got a very lame reply back from him, with no apology.

Also, the fact that he contacts me without leaving contact information shows that this isn't really a contact. God knows what it is. Vunil was right in an ealier post: there is something a little bit evil about him and even a little evil is something to avoid.

I've stopped reading his email but in a way am still obsessing about him by spending time on this board and reading books on NPD. What's the solution to that?

Chandra

[Anonymous]

Chandra,
I'm the male guest from a few posts back I just forgot to sign my post.

I've stopped reading his email but in a way am still obsessing about him by spending time on this board and reading books on NPD. What's the solution to that?

In my admittedly uninformed opinion this sounds like a healthy thing. You have been hurt and being here with fellow victims of this problem can be a help to healing that wound. More importantly, there are more of them out there, and unless you plan on moving to a convent you are probably going to come into contact with more of them. Being able to spot one is important for everyone, but it is indispensable for a single woman. I can't remember how long you were together, but unfortunately the human mind does not seem capable of recovering from these kind of things quickly. Time and knowledge will give you some nice smooth scar tissue. Right now the wound is still partially open. And keeping an eye on an open wound is not obsession, just common sense. Just don't ever lose sight of what he is and ever consider getting reinvolved. That would be a very unhealthy obsession.
One more thing from your original post. If he is truly NPD, which I don't know, he didn't love you in his own way. He didn't love you at all as he is not endowed with that attribute. He doesn't even love himself. He is just a throbbing mass of insecurities and pain looking for some relief from that pain by preying on the emotions of others. Thats why I described my N as an emotional vampire in another thread.

Mudpuppy

[Lara]

Good morning everyone,
And thank you, Mudpuppy, for your use of the words 'hurt' and 'wound' in your last post. The pain we feel is like a wound,it is like a deep emotional gash,and we are impatient to get over it. Maybe that is why,like Chandra,we wonder if we are holding ourselves back perhaps by posting here, reading NPD books,etc.

The only thing I know is that I feel a need,sometimes a compulsion,to write down all these confusing feelings,to somehow bring them to the outside of me. I don't think that those feelings are being prolonged by either coming to this site or by reading;I think that they would still be there,but even more scary.

Specifically on the subject of reading NPD books, I have thought recently about throwing mine away,but I have felt unable to. This is because when I read them, I find a (possible) explanation for what is otherwise totally inexplicable, ie. that another person can one day tell you how much they love you,that you are their dearest friend,etc, etc, and the next day they can quite happily accept you walking out of their life.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

IMO there is nothing wrong with...

...replacing a destructive addiction with a healthier addiction. Posting here may keep one involved with thinking about the N. But it's a much better alternative than contact with the person. This is about self-discovery even if you're talking about "them."

...keeping books about NPD. I would keep any book that is interesting to me. There are plenty of N's out there and one may need to revisit the issue. And maybe these books are your "friends" and you feel comforted just seeing them on the shelf (my feeling about certain books).

some thoughts off the top of my head.

bunny

[Brigid]

Chandra,
We seem to have lived similar lives.  The difference being I have married 2 bad men and you have managed to escape that last step.  At least I have my 2 wonderful children to have made it not a total waste of time.  

I also had a father who was gone a great deal and when he was home paid no attention to me or ever made me feel loved and was verbally abusive.  I have chosen many "edgy" men over the years, I think subconsciously because I thought I could "fix" them.  When I married my second husband, I thought I had broken that habit and married a really wonderful guy, who was kind, loving, faithful, and took his vows to the core of his soul.  For 22 years I thought I had that until the snake finally shed his skin and the real man emerged.  Secrets and lies had filled our marriage and he had never loved me at all, but just, in his words "accomodated me" and tried to be a "dutiful husband."  (I guess that meant he showed up for dinner and brought home a paycheck.)

When I read about the mean, nasty N relationships, I cannot relate as he never demonstrated that.  But what your n fiance and my n husband have in common are the sexual dysfunctions and kinky behaviors.  These were the things I never knew about and he hid for most of our marriage.  You don't know how lucky you are to have gotten away from this man.  The pain would have been so much worse further down the road.  In the course of 18 months I have had to go from thinking I had a happy, mostly healthy marriage to the realization of how dysfunctional it was and how blind I was to what was going on.  It was a major punch in the gut and I'm still trying to get my breath back.

So if you think your fiance was just sort of an N and not a full-blown one, think again.  My therapist told me my husband was one of the worst cases he had ever seen.  This PD apparently displays itself in many ugly ways and I'm only beginning to understand what I was dealing with.

I, too, have thought that maybe I am wallowing in my pain by reading these postings and writing my own.  However, I am learning a lot too, and will hopefully be able to avoid ever falling prey to one of these men again.  I haven't yet purchased any books on the topic, but have considered it and probably will someday.  I am having to take in this information in small doses as there have just been too many realizations and so much change to process over the last year and a half, that I am still reeling and coming to terms with it.

You can only do what you can do and by being here you are supported and cared about.  This is very important to your healing.

Brigid

[Chandra]

Mudpuppy, Lara, Brigid, Bunny,

Thanks for all the reality checks.

He is just a throbbing mass of insecurities and pain looking for some relief from that pain by preying on the emotions of others.

Pretty harsh and hard to believe that that's all he is, but you are probably right. He does seem to have a few friends and people who like him and have known him for a long time. I'm never sure what that means.

when I read them, I find a (possible) explanation for what is otherwise totally inexplicable, ie. that another person can one day tell you how much they love you,that you are their dearest friend,etc, etc, and the next day they can quite happily accept you walking out of their life.

Lara, your replies to me made me want to look up your previous posts to get a sense of your story. I so relate to your experience. I thought I'd found my soulmate and that the wait was worth it. He seemed to be everything I've ever wanted. We were only together several months but in those months got engaged and were moving forward with wedding planning, house hunting, etc.... I never got to experience some of the abuse many of you describe. But, the way he left me was abusive beyond belief. And then thinking about things I knew about him, and reading his email, and talking to his ex wife and reading about NPD contributed to my diagnosis. I am very lucky, as all of you point out. I didn't suffer years of abuse or years of deception. And yet, as many of you echo, this break up seems to be the hardest of all to get over. It's because I just can't wrap my mind around how he could do what he did the way he did it, given everything he'd been saying to me and given how far he figuratively took me down that aisle. And to just walk away and be on to the next thing without a second thought.... Too much to fathom.

Brigid, your metaphor of a punch in the gut is so apt. I can't even imagine how your ex could have deceived you for so long. Now that you look back on it, do you see any signs or hints?

My dad, incidentally, wasn't abusive. He was just very passive. He was gone a lot in order to avoid my N-ish mother. And she made him feel so inept as a father, that he just didn't even try to parent me. I actually have warm feelings toward him.  We got to know each other after I was all grown up, and I liked what I saw and experienced. Sadly, he died when he was only 64.

Well, time to go read "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist." One potentially positive outcome of having been with this N is that I've become aware that my mother is Nish and I am beginning to wonder how that has affected me.

Chandra

[Anonymous]

chandra,

I wrote;

Quote:
He is just a throbbing mass of insecurities and pain looking for some relief from that pain by preying on the emotions of others

you replied,

Pretty harsh and hard to believe that that's all he is, but you are probably right. He does seem to have a few friends and people who like him and have known him for a long time. I'm never sure what that means.

What I said was "If he is truly NPD then he is a throbbing mass etc."
There are a lot of people with N traits who are still functional, but somebody with fullblown NPD is an empty husk. As long as my N does not have a conflict with a person he is able to hide his NPD from them for years. Look at this BTK nut. The people in his church were completely fooled by him for decades.
Don't know if yours is just Nish or NPD. If NPD he's not only worse than you imagine he's worse than you can imagine.

mudpuppy

[bkkabri]

I am going back to my old therapist today because of the abuse I suffered.  I know I have codependency problems because I accept her behaviour as my fault.  I know that I didnt say anything that could have made the reactions that devastating, but I keep thinking inside what we could have been happy if I didnt say those things.  I dont know if my ex has full blown NPD, but I know she said the most gut wrenching words to me for no other reason than to hurt me emotionally.  I have a hard time pulling away from the sights to learn about this stuff.  I think back to situations that I should have realized as red flags, but I didnt.  I have friends who tell me she seemed like a nice girl, but all she really wanted to talk about was her nursing and school.  It has been the only topic she can talk about with confdence.  I hate the things she said to me.  I hate she didnt take the time to understand.  I can handle talking about anybody's day, its important.  I made a request because I have feelings.  I feel for people in pain.  To describe it in detail was wrong.  I know its over and people question why I miss her so much.   The truth is I feel like my best friend died, yet I know she is walking around and I am not even an after thought to her.  I have been emotionally abused my whole life-from my dad to her.  I just want what my friends have, a home and a family.  I dont understand why me asking for this is so hard.  I wish she missed me.  Chandra, I am sorry you are going thru this.  Reading your threads makes me  know I am not alone.  Thank you for your post.