True Narcissicist or Just an Abuser with N Tendencies??

[PixieTale]

Hello all!  I am a newbie here.

I am a coda that has recently left my VA/EA abuser who is a drinker and I believe either has N tendencies OR IS a narcissist.  We live apart, but still see each other ocassionally, in an effort to work "things out" and reconcile. I am seeing a counselor once a week and he says he is too, (not sure if he is lying though).

Maybe one of you can assist (with more experience than me) and help me figure out WHAT I am dealing with.  Here is an example of a recent scenario ----Over the weekend, he got caught in yet, another lie.  When I confronted him, (as normal) he denied that he ever lied, turned it around to make it my fault for discovering his lie and then started to rage!  I locked myself in the bedroom so that he would leave me alone for a bit and to get some much needed space (as he had suggested).  When he discovered I had locked the door, he kicked the door in.  Then proceeded to drink and drink.  He became very affectionate for a bit..........(as long as we stayed away from any discussion he didn't like).  Then he became enraged again, when I went to touch him......turned around and said "YOU DON"T DESERVE ME"!!!!!
"GO F___ YOURSELF"!!!!!!  I said, what?????? He then proceeded to pass out.

In the morning, I asked if he meant all that he said and he didn't remember a thing (or so he says he doesnt -- he is prone to selective memory quite often).  

To make a long story short.......when someone is a narcissist what makes them different from an abuser who just has narcissist tendencies?  Any suggestions or advice.

I wish I could just cut myself off from this man, but I cannot, at least not totally..........I am working on this with my counselor.....too.

Pixie

[Anonymous]

when someone is a narcissist what makes them different from an abuser who just has narcissist tendencies?

Does it matter? The abuse is what matters. Why do you tolerate it?

Everyone has narcissistic tendencies. It's part of being a person.

Violence and raging do not necessarily make a narcissist. They do indicate someone with limited understanding of themselves and others.

[Anonymous]

sometimes, in these situations, it's helpful to have a lable. Maybe it makes you feel like your decision to ... whatever... is more justified.
It helps to have a framework that more people have experienced to validate your experience.
There doesn't seem to be enough information to tell if this guy is a N (and only a doctor can diagnose that anyway), but certainly he is a lot of things which are unhealthy.
Maybe it would help to remember, it's not your job to diagnose him or to help him "get better".  Your job is to take care of yourself (and your kids if you have them).  Keep yourself safe, find a good support group, lean on friends, stay in counseling, do whatever it takes to get yourself healthy enough to leave.  (because it sounds like that's what you hope to eventually do).

[mum]

Pixie: Do you have children with this man?  If the answer is no, get the hell out of there as fast as you can.  Your post sent me right back about 20 years.  Horrible.  Just horrible. NO ONE deserves that kind of relationship....please understand it is a relationship, thus a choice of some kind.
If you do have children with him........still get the hell out, just proceed with caution.  Get some help.
Bless you.

[Anonymous]

pixie,

To make a long story short.......when someone is a narcissist what makes them different from an abuser who just has narcissist tendencies? Any suggestions or advice.

Who cares? Why are you worried about the difference? He kicked the door in while having a drunken fit! Even if he's sound as a five dollar bill you're are in danger around this person. I'm with mum. Get out now. worry about your feelings for him or what is wrong with him once you're safe.

mudpuppy

[vunil]

Who cares? Why are you worried about the difference? He kicked the door in while having a drunken fit! Even if he's sound as a five dollar bill you're are in danger around this person. I'm with mum. Get out now. worry about your feelings for him or what is wrong with him once you're safe.

YES.  This is a ragingly violent alcoholic.  He might also be narcissistic, but violence trumps any other label-- run away.   I am worried about you.  Why haven't you run away yet?  And when you type the description of what's going on, you have this sense I bet of "oh my god this is awful."  Hang onto that sense.  It's really bad.

Did I say "run away?"

[Anonymous]

All abusers have narcissistic tendencies. All of them are narcissists. I hope that answers your q so you can leave this incredibly destructive situation. This man is very very bad news.

bunny

[PixieTale]

Thank you all for your input.  

As I said in my first post, I do not live with this man.  I only visit, once in a while.  

I agree that he can become very angry and violent.  Afterall, the day before I moved my last box out of HIS house, he put his fist into a wall, broke almost every bone in it and stated "You should be glad it was not your face, I hit".  He then, later told anyone who would listen that he broke his hand, while chopping wood and that its "no big deal, everyone does something stupid like this once in their life".  I will be fine.  It was just a dumb mistake.  At first, I took some responsibility for his hand and the horrible condition he was in while going through several surgeries and lots of pain.  Not to mention his inability to take care of himself or his home (this was his "good" hand).  Lately, I am hopeful that his bad hand will remind him of the damage his uncontrolled anger/rage/drinking has done to HIS life and all of us.

Yes, I do have children.  They are only mine, not his.  I removed all of mine from HIS home.  Afterall, when he couldn't get his way (when we lived there as a family), it was never OUR home, but HIS.  That is because I married him (second marriage) when he already owned the house and never would put my name on the title.  Whenever, he got angry, he would shout "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! GET OUT NOW!"  

I am still struggling between my knowledge of these painful scenarios, that have decreased since I don't live there anymore, but have not really ever gone away.  He is going to a counselor for assistance with the rage/anger management.  But, based on the first scenario I wrote about in my first post, it appears that the counseling he is getting, isn't working too well.  

I suppose this is a common problem with abusers.  They go to counseling, because they are asked to go as a condition, not because they volunteer for help.  I am in denial.  I realize this.  I just don't HOW to get to the point where I don't seek him out and can break free.  I still feel that I love him.  He says he loves me........I am caught in the coda trap.  

Thanks again for your advice.  This is all new for me.

[Anonymous]

I just don't HOW to get to the point where I don't seek him out and can break free.  I still feel that I love him.  He says he loves me........I am caught in the coda trap.

One day at a time, you don't seek him out. That's how you do it.

If you're interested there is a book called The Illusion of Love: Why The Battered Woman Returns To Her Abuser by David Celani. This book is in the library and on amazon.com. It's not expensive.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Is this a new book?  I wonder why my counselor has not suggested it.
Thanks again, all!

[Anonymous]

It's not a new book. Maybe your counselor just doesn't know about it.

bunny