In Search of My "Self"

[Brigid]

One of the realizations I have come to as I work through this difficult process is how much of my self has disappeared over the years.  He sucked me dry by constantly requiring my attention to his needs and those of the kids and I have been left somewhere in the dust.  He was my third child and he took no responsibilities for the household.

I'm not sure who I am anymore and certainly all my goals and aspirations for the future for us as a family went down the tubes with his leaving.  I know that they were just my goals and "us" did not exist in his mind.  I feel like so much of my identity was wrapped up in being his wife and my children's mother, that I got lost in the shuffle.  I don't regret for a second the mothering part as I truly felt I had found my passion when I became a mom and have wonderful kids, but I do miss the wife part and feel caste adrift without it.  At 54 I feel no motivation to find a new career path or a return to school to seek a second degree.

I still feel such a strong need to protect the kids as much as possible from the pain of losing their intact family.  I live in a community where divorce is uncommon and it is difficult to find other single moms to associate with.  I feel the stigma of the failed marriage and the divorced (or soon-to-be) woman.

I have become more involved in my church, I see my therapist weekly, I have joined a divorce support group, and have discovered a new sport.  But I still feel basically empty.  Is it just a matter of time and healing?  Is there something else I can proactively do to move the process along?  Patience has never been my strong suit so maybe I just need to relax, give myself a break and stop trying to rush something that cannot be rushed.

Anybody have any words of wisdom or a kick in the pants?  If I sound self-pitying, I apologize.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Brigid,

You don't sound self-pitying. It's kind of hard when a marriage falls apart as traumatically as yours did. You can't just regroup with a snap of the fingers. There is a big adjustment to all the cognitive dissonance (things not being how they seemed).

My suggestion to getting your identity back...make a list of things you like and dislike. Colors, foods, movies, books, clothes, restaurants, anything. Start figuring out what you like especially if "he" disliked or discouraged it. Creativity  in thought or action is the enemy of codependency. That's what I learned.

bunny

[mum]

Brigid.  I remember very well being right where you are. I am certainly not saying that to downplay or "oneup" your very real feelings, but to offer sincere empathy.  It does take time.  Your idea of relaxing and being patient is right on the money.  Do, indeed, give yourself a break.  Do forgive yourself for not knowing what to do...but actually, you have found somethings, haven't you?
I threw myself into rockclimbing and swimming when my exN and I broke up.  I did feel rather numb...like I was going through the motions for the most part.  I was swimming lap after lap, heart broken, not knowing what to think or do, but just to keep moving, just to do something. It was sooo strange when my kids were not in the house (but with him)..  So I moved and moved....Then I was too damn tired to let my worries get to me!  It was a bit of an escape, really, and maybe a running away, but it felt better than the Paxil I tried.
The rock climbing was so hard at first, like a metaphor for my struggles, just scary as hell sometimes, but just keep climbing!
I did get a hard, skinny body in the whole process (of course, too stressed to eat was part of it). Unfortunately, I've let a lot of that really go!
Honestly, though, I wish I had done more INNER work, so that when that buff body attracted the next Narc. I wouldn't have fallen so hard for the bull shit all over again.  Live and learn.

So, what would I do differently?  Who knows?  Still the athletics, definately!  But lots more time alone, without the escape from myself into male attention.  That really would've helped more.  I know why I did it: after years of getting NO attention and affection, just cheating and berating, it was a huge ego rush to get noticed.....and I got suckered again.  Such a typical post divorce reaction, I guess...and kinda stupid.

Bunny is right on (as usual).  Get to know yourself.  Decide it's okay to enjoy yourself, what YOU like, what YOU want.  Find that out.  Dont' be bummed if you don't know it right off, how could you after what you'd been doing?  It's NOT selfishness (that's the N poison talking!) to love yourself again.  It's essential to happiness.

Amazing what the N's take from us, isn't it?  You'll get it back.  You'll get to know yourself again.  Wanting back what was ours before the N took it doesn't mean you'll lose the mother in you (the ONE  AMAZING thing they inadvertantly gave us, huh?).  

I applaud you for your strength and wisdom, to know what is going on for you... I honor your search.  Good for you.  This expresses power, this quest.  Bless you.....  I feel like a cheerleader (except, um, like, ohmygod! without the immaturity and um, like, stupid language!)  
Go, Brigid!!!

[mum]

Brigid: I forgot to add: I painted the house really bright colors that he never would have picked right after the divorce.  THAT felt great!

[Brigid]

Bunny and Mum,
Thanks for your encouragement.  It brought tears to my eyes which I guess shows how raw this all still is for me.  I am trying hard to find that self inside to love, but since there has never been anyone in my life that has made me feel I deserved that, it is buried very deep.  Mum, your words were so touching.  You have a gift.

Thank God for the children!  They did leave us with the best of our lives.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Brigid:

I am 56.  It has taken about 8-6 years to sort of carve out a life for myself.  I understand about the involvement in  your children's life etc.   it really left no time to find out what YOU wanted or who you where.  I still grapple with this.  I felt as if I were just flopping about going nowhere.  I equate it all to a puzzle.  You have to fit one piece at time until the picture begins to take shape.  One piece might fit, another might have to be discarded.  I also took care of the needs of my mother, my nH,n mother in law, my autistic son, and truly was invisible to my needs.  It is hard at our age to come up for air  and and have everything picture perfect on the landscape.  What was true in our youth is no longer even there and it is just a blank horizon.  We  have stuffed our own emotions, wants and needs down for so long, trying to get in touch with those is really an alien process.  It just takes time, at least this is how it/is for me. Just don't beat yourself up about.  Be nice to you.  Love, Patz

[Guest_NewDay]

Hi Brigid,

First, you do not sound self-pitying at all, you sound like an intelligent, growing woman who is putting a great deal of thought and effort into her recovery process.  I commend you!  I did not raise a family with my exN, but we spent many years together and I grapple with many of the same aspects of that traumatizing effect of the disintegration of that relationship.  I also felt as though he sucked me dry, leaving me with a mere shell of who I used to be, the enthusiasm for even the smallest things gone.

But onto the process to heal!!   Yes, I did much of the same many of us do, turn to sports and fitness routines, but that wasn't anything new to me since I was always into fitness.  But I had always wanted to learn tennis, so I began taking tennis lessons, something he would never do with me.  AND that was a great move forward in identifying one of MY yearnings and made it an accomplishment.  I also returned to yoga.  Began taking training in something I'd always wanted to do.  Things like that.  It was a start.  There is *nothing* any of us can do to put our feelings back in order overnight, it's a process (as they say), not an event (unfortunately!)

One thing that needs to be identified and stated, though, is this: accept where you are, no matter what the circumstances.  What we don't know is even if we had a "normal" life (whatever that is) we would have changed as individuals anyhow.  After 22 years, you would have changed.  You're trying to figure out who you are NOW, I understand that, so just try to think in terms of the present.  You know, I used to like movies and the arts a lot more before I met my exN, but stopped all of that over the years we were together.   I changed, I really did, I don't consider going into a museum any fun at all anymore, and am not resentful that I feel like that, even if part of the reason is that he and I just never did that and I stopped caring.  I am trying to figure out what I like *today*.  Last night I was reading some travel literature and realized that what I'd really like to do is go to a bunch of inns and drive the back roads  and stay in cozy little places.  I never did that with him!!   It was such a great feeling to recognize what I find joy in, why didn't I think of that before?  

It takes time.  But it also takes thought and effort and patience.  None of us get there overnight.   No pain, no gain.  Being a mom is an automatic life-altering experience, and I think all women go through a transition with or without a mate, when it comes to raising kids.  Give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack.  You are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Try not to look at the clock or the calendar, just take your time and you will be surprised how you rediscover yourself when you least expect it.  
It may take time to feel the fullness of life again, but the most important thing is to be positive and have faith that you will.   The road is a lot smoother when you know it leads somewhere.  I truly believe that.  
Start to envision yourself the way you want to be and feel.  Then you will start to live it.  And if that includes the possibility of falling in love again, then open your heart to the idea.  
Hope your day is a little brighter today than it was yesterday.
In Friendship,
Terry

[Anonymous]

Hi Brigid,

It brought tears to my eyes which I guess shows how raw this all still is for me.

I get tears in my eyes reading about other people's problems. I don't say that cause I'm special, but because of a blessing we don't talk about here very much. I think when we go through the horror of dealing with these "people" we make darn sure we treat others the opposite of the way we were. I think an empathy deficit from others can cause an empathy surplus in us. That can be dangerous, but overall I think it is a great blessing.

I have become more involved in my church, I see my therapist weekly, I have joined a divorce support group, and have discovered a new sport. But I still feel basically empty. Is it just a matter of time and healing? Is there something else I can proactively do to move the process along? Patience has never been my strong suit so maybe I just need to relax, give myself a break and stop trying to rush something that cannot be rushed.

Anybody have any words of wisdom or a kick in the pants? If I sound self-pitying, I apologize

I think you need our support, but you said exactly what you need to do already. You already have the wisdom and are taking action. Time and God will heal you; maybe make you new and improved!
And what is wrong with self pity anyway. Why is pity a virtue when applied to others when they are victimized but not ourselves? Sure if it paralyzes us or is to an excess it is bad. But whats wrong with saying for awhile "I just got kicked in the head by somebody and it hurts. I'm just gonna sit here for awhile and feel sorry for myself"? Especially if nobody else is doing it for you. I think that's part of healing from the shock of it all.
My 2c. Use or discard as you like.

mudpuppy

[Anonymous]

Hello Brigid:

I felt lost, empty, sort of...gone, too after spending 17 years of my life with my x.  When our marriage ended, I spent most of a year, sitting in a cozy lazy boy chair.....agonizing over it all.....crying.....screaming inside....and out, when the kids were away.

Asking:

What did I do wrong?
What did I do period?
What can I do to prevent it next time?
Did I do anything right?

And feeling quite sorry for myself.

I'm a failure.
I'm alone.
I'm hurt and no one cares.
I feel like I'll never get through this.
I must deserve it.
etc.

And going over so many scenes in my head.
Remembering.  Reliving.  Revisiting hurts I'd thought I'd forgotten.

I couldn't watch anything on tv if it contained any emotion whatsoever or any relation to family life or love.  Pretty well anything that had people in it or reference to feelings.  That narrowed it down to the cable scroll channel that listed events in the community, some of the news, and a lot of boring stuff that nobody I know watches.

After awhile....I started to finish up grieving and began to realize that it  mostly wasn't my fault.  That I could learn from the mistakes I think I did make.  And that all was not lost.  Life went on.

I think, you're way ahead of me, back then, by your going out into the world and doing something to force yourself to move.  I didn't do that and when the time came, and I realized I had better start doing that....it was very, very scarey and really hard for me.  I felt like an alien.

Chris Reeve's wife said it best:  "The only way to get through grieving is to go ahead and grieve."

After so many years of marriage, and so many lost bits of ourselves and our dreams, there is a huge pile of grieving to do.

It will eventually end, Brigid.  It does just take time.  You'll get through it.

((((((Brigid)))))

GFN

[Brigid]

Patz, Terry, GFN & Mudpup,
Thanks for the uplifting and supportive comments.  It always helps to hear the perspective of others.  I promise not to beat myself up and just take it slow.

Mudpup - If there is one good thing that has come from this experience for me it would be my increased compassion for others.  I have always considered myself a sensitive, caring person, but I'm sure there were times when I did not support someone who needed it because I maybe just didn't have the time or energy.  Not anymore.  I will never again sit at home and not call or visit a friend or even an acquaintance who I know is struggling with a difficult situation.  There is always that fear of not knowing what to say.  I know now that it doesn't matter what you say or if you say nothing, but just provide a listening ear and a gentle hug to show that you care.  For those friends of mine who have been there for me and showed me their love and that would include those of you here as well, I say thank you.  If not for that love and support, I would have fallen apart at the seams.  Compassion is a gift that needs to be shared.  Our N relationships are devoid of this gift and I would agree, that we have developed an excess to make up for their void.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi Brigid,

First thing I noticed about your post was the fact that you voiced your thoughts then you immediately backed them up with an apology.  Been there dont that!!!!

There is nothing like holding your thoughts and words back to avoid lashings from a narci.  You are free to voice your thoughts now hun.  That is a great way to start to find the you that has been tucked away for many years.  You sit down and you think, voice, cry, and you work to find your way back to you.

I don't think I have ever had to work as hard for something as I did when I recovered from my N nightmare.  But I learned so much about myself and I really wouldnt trade the experience for anything because I learned things about myself that I never knew before.

It is a slow process but I knew that I had 2 choices at that point.  I knew that I had to fight my way back to reality or I knew that he would continue to have control over every ounce of my being.  I knew that he would love that thought so I chose to climb out of mental hell that he had created in my mind.

I still think about my life with him and I often think of how he made me feel.  I also remember telling him that I couldnt wait until he was just a bad memory.  That time came but it sure did take its sweet ole time getting here.  A bad memory is exactly how I can now describe my relationship with him.  

Keep your chin up hun and you work your ever loving ars off to find that lost spirit.  He sucked it out of you but it is there to be found if you just do some deep soul searching.

[Jaded911]

Good grief, they still havent fixed that deal yet have they....heehee

That was me up yonder.....tisk tisk

[2cents]

Hey Brigid,

Hang in there! Things may be hard but you will find the way. You don't need to "do" anything except whatever you want to at ANY point time. This may be something you have to go through. So what? You are you. From what i've seen and read from you YOU RULE!   Please don't beat yourself up. It WILL get better!

2cents

[Brigid]

Jaded 911,

Thank you for your kind words.

I don't think I have ever had to work as hard for something as I did when I recovered from my N nightmare. But I learned so much about myself and I really wouldnt trade the experience for anything because I learned things about myself that I never knew before.

I would agree, and this is beginning to happen for me.  I have told my T that for now the gaping wound left by my H has scabbed over and there is not much more to say.  Because of what I have read and felt from the postings on this site, I now know that I must begin to reach further back and face the festering wounds of my childhood left by my N father and enabling, somewhat N mother.   Even though they are both dead now, the hurt they left is still there and I can no longer ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist.  In order for me to truly find that "self" that must be my next step.

Wish me luck as I move back in time and start the next phase of work to heal the damage.

Thanks to you too, 2 cents.  You will forever be my friend.

Brigid

[longtire]

I just reread this whole thread.  The people here are a blessing!  Especially compared to the crap that is so prevalent on the internet.  How are you feeling today Brigid?