patz
My daughter is very mature for a 7 year old and even looks older than her age (very tall) so I hope that will work towards her benefit when speaking with the therapist and one day with the Judge. I am hoping that her desires will be taken more seriously since she does appear older and more mature than her stated age.
I know that my X is a hardcore N. It was when I became pregnant with our second child that he really "lost it". From the time I was four weeks pregnant to 3 months he was nonstop with the raging. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I decided I wasn't going to allow my daugher to witness this any longer. I confronted him and asked him "Why in God's name are you treating your family this way?". This startled him as I usually never said a word during his rants. Surprisingly, he calmed down and went on to tell me that he wasn't meant to be married and didn't want to deal with "family life" b/c it was too stressful for him. He stated that daughter and I were too distracting to his career and that he couldn't deal with another one on the way. This was all said in a very matter of fact monotone voice....no emotion, no feeling. I felt like a robot was standing in front of me. He went on to say, "Well, the cat is out of the bag" and that he would stay in the house for a while to get the finances in order. Of course he wasn't willing to look into any sort of counseling etc. He was very business like. I was in shock. I kept this to myself and didn't tell anyone for about two weeks. Meanwhile he was still in the house. Finally I broke down to my Mom. My family was very supportive and told me to get him out of the house. I told him to leave especially since he had no plans of getting help/working things out. He wouldn't. I went to a lawyer who suspected that N was already taking $$ out of our accounts and messing with other assests (stocks, etc). Lawyer called the bank while I was in his office and N had already withdrawn 30,000 out of one account. In order to freeze the accounts I had to file for divorce. He still wasn't leaving the house. After about a week and notes from my doctors I was able to get him out of the house....changed locks, installed an alarm.
His Mom called me (this woman's picture is next to the word frigid in the dictionary) about a week later. This was a surprise since X MIL never involved herself in anything and I probably heard from her 1X yearly during the marriage. She expressed concerns regarding her son and told me that nothing he is saying makes sense about why he is leaving his family. She told me that he will live to regret it, etc, etc. She was looking to me to give her a reason as to why he would leave a pregnant wife and 2 yo. Now I know that Mom is the reason why N is a N. The only memories of N's childhood that he ever told me about were:
1. He was severely beaten as a 3 yo for accidentally spilling milk in the refrig.
2. Neither parent ever went to any of his games as a child and that he had to rely on other parents to drive him.
Looking back, X N never voiced one fond memory of his childhood or ever showed fondness towards his parents. His parents divorced when he was 12 and X N moved out on his own when he was 17.
He has no connection to either parent.
X MIL has narcissistic tendencies but I don't think she is a full fledged N. One characteristic that stands out was that she was notorious for giving the most atrosious gifts. She actually gave me a beat-up used comforter at my bridal shower. My entire family was in disbelief. She continued this with everyone for every holiday,birthday, etc. To this day she gives my daughter items that are sun damaged, water damaged, etc as birthday presents. She does this with her other grandchildren as well. Keep in mind that this lady is probably worth over a million dollars. I used to just think "what a frugal old miser". Recently, when I came to the realization that X was a N and as I was reading about N's I came across the description of their gift giving ways.
The rare times that I was in X MIL's presence she would *compliment* me by telling me that whatever I was doing was good for her son since she sees that his temper is not as bad as it used to be.
These complients were paid to me during the first 4 years of our marriage (prekids). X N had his *outbursts* and fits of rage behind closed doors with me; however, he could contain himself to a certain extent. He was very destructive to our home and would destroy something at least once a month. After our first child was born he became increasingly more unstable and his fuse became shorter and shorter.
During my divorce my brothers told me how "strange" they always found him to be during social situations. My older brother had said, "it's almost like he doesn't know how to act like a normal guy and trys too hard to fit it". He went on to say that it's like he is "overacting" and everyone found him to be overbearing. Both brothers witnessed mini rages during shared vacations etc. One time he "went off" on a car rental clerk for not giving him preferential treatment and began yelling, " I am a successful business man and will not be treated like this." Another time he ranted and yelled at a parking lot attendent for not properly directing him into the lot. My brothers were embarrased to be around him and couldn't believe he would treat others like this. Basically, they thought that their sister was married to a real Jerk. Towards the end of our marriage N no longer wanted to be around my brothers b/c he knew that he had *blown his cover* with them. X N also felt uncomfortable around my brothers b/c he felt they were more successful than him and was very jealous of their accomplishments.
I didn't mean for this to turn into this long rambling post. Thanks if you hung in this far.
As I sat 3 months pregnant with a 2 yo in my lawyer's office filing for divorce....I was devestated. My attorney said to me, "Mia, I know you won't believe me when I say this but in one year's time you will have your life back." Boy, what a difference a year makes. He was right. I did.
I thank God every day that X N left when he did. At the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I truly believe in my heart that had he stayed he would have turned his fury on to me physically. Although he had never done so in the past he was gradually leading up to it and came close to striking but pulled back and opted to substitute hitting me with destroying property. I know the pregnacy triggered him to further spiral out of control. During those last three months during the marriage there was an occasion that he hissed in my ear, "They can't charge me with murder if they can't find the body." I have told my family if I ever turn up murdered that X N did it. Is he capable? I think he is b/c he views me as his enemy and I don't think he has a conscience.
Well, thanks for letting me get some of my story out. There is so much more...but that's the case for all of us here.
Mia
