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How do I help my children?

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rosencrantz:
I understand your feelings of horror and terror,  Kim.  It does that to us at the beginning.  It is so alien; it is such a shock.  But it will pass.

Just best take things step by step.  Everything has its own time.  

One thing you should be clear about.  Well, two really.

Tell the truth.  If your girls want to share their fears about the future, then talk them through it with honestly.  Yes, it is likely their father will want to punish them by not speaking to them - at least for a while.  Help them talk through the pros and cons of staying and leaving.

Forget the guilt.  You are not responsible because you did not know and could not know.  This is too difficult for anyone to understand until the moment of revelation comes through information and knowledge.  This just isn't something you can intuit!  

Also forget the guilt because you can't afford to be distracted from the task in hand - keeping yourself emotionally calm in order to handle what's ahead.

You fear what he might do if you lose.  I understand - but just know you did what you could and work from there.  Don't give up now!  But don't panic either.  

My story as a child of an nParent :

As a child, I believed that I could not have survived without my Nmother and - even more importantly - deep down I knew that she could not  survive without me.  What a responsiblity.  What would I have done if 'they' had taken me away.  Oh, the guilt that I had abandoned her...

But when the time came to carve out my independent life as a teenager and young adult, that was the time when I needed the knowledge to help me escape without guilt, to help me become my own person, intact.

As the years went on and I tried to understand myself, why I felt and lived the way I did, that was when I wanted and needed the knowledge and the support and the love of someone SANE who could tell me it was OK and help me find my way in the world.

If the bruises are psychological, then it will take a long time to come to the surface.  

So even if you do 'lose' now.  Your girls are closer all the time to adulthood and the moment when they really can decide for themselves to leave home, and become independent.  Be there.  Let them know you will always be there.  

Decide on a number of people who will also be there as conduits, as messengers who will hold changes of address and telephone numbers to enable you all to stay in contact so they can find you when they need to.

The hardest part will be handling all the feelings you had that are resurfacing.  All of Nina Brown's books are very good - Whose life is it anyway, Children of the Self-Absorbed and Loving the Self-Absorbed.  Try them - they'll show you and your children what's real and how to survive.

Yes, they need to be validated - but there's a difference between validating (ie agreeing with them, supporting what they say) and forcing on them a particular perception, a particular way of viewing their father and their situation.  

Even tho it's difficult to believe, nobody is all good or all bad and there is a hazard ahead!!  You are not all good and he is not all bad.  Both of you have your fair share of good and bad in different ways.

You and I may think (know!) how bad HIS bad is!!  But it doesn't mean he doesn't have his good points, too!

And the more you point out the bad points, the more they'll be free to notice his good points!!

How many times does a battered wife go back believing 'he' has changed?  They may have to do that, too.

But be there for them.

Keep in touch with the good therapists.

Life takes a long time (!) and a couple of years more may see you all in a much safer, happier, healthier  place if you can 'keep the faith' just a bit longer.

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