Kids returned from wkend visit OK

[miaxo]

Brief update:  My children returned from their weekend visitation with Ex N and actually said they had a good time.  I attribute this to his Mother's presence on Saturday and the fact that she took them to a musical.
Hey, whatever works for my kids is fine with me.

I'm just glad to hear that he wasn't raging at them all weekend.  

It's rare that they come home and have no complaints.  I'll keep praying for peace.

[Anonymous]

That's great!  

bunny

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear it, Mia.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Thanks.  

[Anonymous]

Mia:

I know that is a relief! No raging at the kids this weekend. Patz

[Anonymous]

mia,
How do you get along with xMIL? Could she be persuaded to be there more often for the kids?
mudpuppy

[Brigid]

Mia,
So glad things went well for the kids   .  I'm sure you were anxious all weekend wondering what would happen.  

Does he tend to behave better when around his mother?  Maybe you've explained this before so I apologize if I'm backtracking, but do you have a decent relationship with her?  Has she taken sides or remained neutral?  How does she treat your kids, aside from being willing to take them to a play?  I guess I'm just asking if she could help you where he is concerned or does she not want to get involved?

Brigid

[mum]

Mia: I am glad things went well for your kids this weekend (and thus, you).

My ex called me Saturday, when kids were with him and expressed concern over something with the kids....something he would want to "go nuts" on them for.  I explained calmly that this was not news, I've got it under control, here is what I am doing and I suggest you do....etc.  He listens, because, I realize, he is totally clueless.. (as my daughter told me later...He doesn't know anything about me!)
I calmed him down, basically, I educated him, and thus he won't go off on the kids and will now handle his concerns better!  

BUT here's my dilemma:  I really want to say to him: go f....ing figure it out for yourself! BE A PARENT! But then he will do his stupid reaction to things and hurt the kids all over again....but maybe he should just DO that and the kids will see him for what he is, instead of only a good parent after he talks to me and follows my advice (which they don't necessarily know he has done)!  In the past, when I don't tell him stuff, he may also let his wife call the shots, and she is even more controlling and mean than he is!
SO: (and I was dying to talk to you about this) do I suck it up and tell him what to do for the sake of the kids, or do I let him figure it out for himself, fail and have the kids think he's even more of an idiot?

I always tend to go with "what will make the kids life easier when they have to be with him?" even though it means a phony emotional safety with him.

[Anonymous]

X N does seem to be better around his Mom.  During our marriage contact with her was very limited even though she lived within ten miles (by her choice).  

X MIL is a ballet instructor and has owned her own dance studio for over thirty years.  My daughter is one of her students.  Dance is her love and that is why she was distant from her own children and has very detatched relationships with both her sons.

Over the last six months I have been shocked to learn that X MIL has become involved with my kids when they visit their Dad.  She recently took them to Disney on Ice and they have been stopping over her house more often.  I'm glad to see it happen if it keeps X N in check.

My X MIL is aware that her son has some type of problem but I'm sure she doesn't know about Narcisscism.  When N left me about five years ago, X MIL phoned me (throughout the 7 yr marriage she probably called five times) and was concerned.  She told me that N had left her home after telling her he was leaving me (pregnant with a two year old) and she couldn't make sense of anything he said.  At the time she stated that she thought he may be in the midst of a "nervous breakdown" but now I know it was N being a N.

Before I married N she warned me of his temper and the few times I would visit with her during the marriage she would comment on how "calm" N was with me and would praise me for being a good influence on him.  Of course she didn't know what was going on behind closed doors.  At the time of divorce she thanked me for being a good DIL and said she knew her son would live to regret his choices in life especially as he grew older.  

Anyway, I think X MIL has some N tendencies but overall she can relate to others, show empathy, and genuninely be concerned about things when she has the time to do so.  I mean she has her ways about her but she is not malicious.  

Most importantly, my daughter does like her.  I was just at the dance studio last week for the parent visitation night and MIL is always very polite.  Very business like and a little offish but that is her personality towards everyone even when there is no business at hand.

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to to approach her about spending more time with the kids.  I do have a feeling that she senses her own son's instabilites and is kind of keeping an eye on things when the kids are with him.  Any suggestions on an approach would be appreciated.  Keep in mind that if X N caught wind of it he would fly into one of his paranoid fits thinking I was conspiring with his very own Mother.

Thanks.
Mia

[Anonymous]

mia,
Wow, his mom is my mom. I believe mine supports my brother not because she believes his kooky stories, but because she thinks he is damaged and weak and needs someone to take care of him (he's never been married).

At the time she stated that she thought he may be in the midst of a "nervous breakdown" but now I know it was N being a N.

My N has 'broken down' under times of perceived stress. Just because they're Ns doesn't mean they aren't having a genuine meltdown.

As far as approaching your xMIL, that sounds tough. I was hoping you two had been close so that you would have the kind of relationship to call on her for support.

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to to approach her about spending more time with the kids.

How about the direct approach? Can you just tell her "these are my concerns.... I know you love your grandchildren.... can you help?"
Could you trust her to keep it confidential?

Over the last six months I have been shocked to learn that X MIL has become involved with my kids when they visit their Dad.

I hope Grandma isn't worse N than you think and is helping her son isolate you. Probably just my paranoid side speaking. Hopefully she's looking out for the kids.

mudpuppy

[miaxo]

mudpup

I hope Grandma isn't worse N than you think and is helping her son isolate you. Probably just my paranoid side speaking. Hopefully she's looking out for the kids.

In my heart I think X MIL feels her son is on "overload" since he increased his weekends with the children from one overnight to two overnights.  Previous to this he was a 26 overnight per year Dad.  In order to have the court rule against overnights during the school week I agreed to let him have his full weekends which is what *normal* divorced Dads do EOWE anyway.  MIL's involvement with the kids seems to have conicided with this increase.  I'm curious as to whether he asked for the help or she is just willingly helping him out.  It may be that she thinks her son is like her exhusband.  She did confide in me about N's Dad and how terrible her marriage was with him.  She told me that she used to lay in bed at night shaking like a leaf due to her exhusband's unpredictable outbursts.  Like father like son in this instance.

How about the direct approach? Can you just tell her "these are my concerns.... I know you love your grandchildren.... can you help?"
Could you trust her to keep it confidential?

I suppose I could handle it in this manner.  She is the type of person that even if she was *put off* by me she wouldn't let it be known.  


Who knows though.  I was naive about N so there is always the possibility that I am naive about MIL but she really doesn't seem to fit the bill for N.

[Anonymous]

Hi Mia:

What if you were to sort of feel her out a little before asking directly?
Could you call her and just have a little talk?  Mention that you recall how she had shared about her relationship with her husband and see what she says?  If she is willing to talk more about it?  Tell her that you remember her saying that you were a good DIL and the stuff about your x regretting his choices?  Tell her how you felt hearing that (I'm assuming you felt appreciated??).  Let her know that the kids really like it when she's around?

Maybe the conversation will give you a better feeling about whether or not you can trust her with your request?

Just a few thoughts.  It would be so nice if she could be there more often.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Mia,

It may be that she thinks her son is like her exhusband. She did confide in me about N's Dad and how terrible her marriage was with him. She told me that she used to lay in bed at night shaking like a leaf due to her exhusband's unpredictable outbursts. Like father like son in this instance.

Maybe her marriage has a lot to do with her stand offish attitude. Being oppressed by a nut like her X sounds to be causes most people to put up protective barriers.
Good luck, mia. I hope you can keep your kids away from your Ns wrath.

Mud

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can just let her know how much you appreciate her helping out with the kids when they are at their fathers.  That may open the door for her to start talking about it.  Even if she doesn't start talking about it, it let's her know that this is something that you encourage.  LM

[miaxo]

thanks for all the useful feedback and suggestions.