how to leave your narcissistic husband?

[annabelle]

This is my first visit to this chat room (or any chat room).
Anyway, I've been trying to leave my narcissist husband for months but he sucks me in everytime with his apologies, promise to do anything to change, and admittances that he does what he does.  He does not admit fully yet that he is a narcissist but says he understands that he does perform some of the behaviors I highlight to him.  I have 2 children ages 2 and 3 1/2 and worry about them becoming narcissists if I stay with this man, and I worry about growing more anger inside myself, and losing myself.  I'm currently on Prozac (everything else in my life is great except my marriage) and no matter how much prozac I take, my marriage hasn't improved.  Any advice on how to leave?  

And, on how the kids are impacted?

Thanks,
Annabelle

[geekgirl]

i have no kids so I can't speak to that one - but I did leave a narcissistic man .  I recall the difficulty you describe, and only defeated it by doing it when he was not around.  He went on a trip for a week, and I took the time to remove everything, so that I was far away when the usual routine of "here is why you can't leave because I am so wonderful to you" routine became moot.  I had left.  I hope this helps

[annabelle]

Hi Geekgirl,

Thanks for your help.  I've thought about leaving when he's away which is a great idea.  I just have to deal with the guilt of being so secretive and "stealing away" without giving him warning, although I've told him so much I don't want this marriage anymore, so I guess he won't be too surprised.  Thanks again,

Annabelle

[geekgirl]

Don't feel guilty about saving yourself anyway you can.  Guilt is what HE would have you feel.  He "knows better than you" and if he wants you to stay then you  while you want to leave, he will tell you the problem is yours.  

It isn't, but you will NEVER get that validation from him.  So accept it from me.  It IS okay to leave him, any way you choose.  He is the one with the problem.

One more thing - like you, my partner tried to convince me the psychotherapy and/or meds would help me see more clearly how wonderful he was, and I bought that.  But there is no pill that you can take that will fix somebody else's problem.  Don't take the Prozac hoping it will improve HIM.

[erryt]

Hi Annabelle:

It is very hard to leave an Nhusband.  When they are good to you, it feels great, when they are bad, you wonder what went wrong.  You must think of yourself first.  If you believe the marriage is over and don't want to spend the rest of your life with him, make a plan to leave.  I stayed way too long and I did lose myself.  I knew at the 10 year mark that things would never be better.  But I kept trying and hoping and was fearful to leave him.  I started on prozac at the 10 year mark because I felt so hopeless.  It helped.  I stayed 10 more years and now I have to rebuild my life and myself.  I am doing so much self-discovery.  One thing though is that I struggle with not liking myself for staying in a bad marriage.  On one hand I can say I gave the marriage everything I had and on the other hand I can say I stayed way too long.  The longer one stays with a narcissicus, the more damage is done to self-esteem.  

Once you take care of yourself, you won't worry so much about the effects on the children.  They need you to be happy and feel good so you can take care of them...then dealing and coping with the divorce event is more manageable.  You have to take care of yourself.  That was my big mistake.  I put his needs and the kids ahead of mine and l am paying the emotional price.

You deserve to be happy.  For better or for worse refers to what life hands-out to a couple, not what one person dishes out to another.

Stay strong!

Terry

[annabelle]

Hi Terry,

After reading your reply (which I consider a gift), I feel like I want to cry - and I haven't been able to feel emotions for some time now due to living with an N I now realize.  Thank you so much for your advice.  It's so helpful to hear the experiences of people who've been there, as I'm sure you remember, when you're in it, you can only see the present, and as you said, when the present is nice, you hold out so much hope (over and over!)  You've really helped give me more strength with which to start the leaving process!  I am looking forward to self discovery like you've been doing - I hope it feels like you're starting a new life.  I'm just realizing so many parts I've given up about myself - enjoyment of cooking (per N husband, too messy), foreign language films (per N husband, too pretentious), certain styles of music, the paper I read, my hobbies, etc.

Again, thank you so much for your support and wisdom.  I already feel stronger.  Take care of your growing, unfolding self!

Annabelle

[annabelle]

O.k. Terry, now I am crying - and this is crying on Prozac, so imagine what it would be if I weren't on it! :)  Thanks for a much needed, long overdue release of emotions that thankfully I now know I still have in me.

Annabelle

[cindy]

This is what I realized about me - yes, I was tired all the time, and didn't always think clearly, and I made mistakes, and I get angry.  But I'd get angry when lied - surprise? -  and most other behaviors I'd feel guilty about when he'd point them out were also reactions to his manipulation and abuse.  He was a master psychological batterer.  He'd say and do things in such a way I'd feel like scum, but when I'd talk about it, he'd explain I was jumping to conclusions, etc, and we'd soon be talking about all that was wrong with me.

I, too, was on antidepressants, but with him out of my life I was able to get off them in less than a year.  In my case,HEe was the problem, but he was convinced it was opposite, and he almost convinced me.

My Nhusband was an energy sucking, lying vampire, and after I left and started to detox I realized how lucky I was to have escaped.  At first, his tapes still played in my head.  Be strong, and take care of yourself and your children.

[ashley]

My names ashley and I'm 17. I've been married to my husband since i was 16 and its horrible. He treats me like shit, he has hit me before, he cheats and he has said numerous times that he doesnt love me. I want to leave him because i am miserable and i have been crying myself to sleep for almost a year now and im sick of it. i want to leave but my mother will not let me move back in with her, i have no car, i'm pregnant, i have a job that gives me $100.00 a week so i can't afford a place of my own, i have looked into womens shelters but i am not abused physically only mentally and emotionally, so i cant get into there. i just dont know what to do! someone help please!

[Mati]

ashley

mental and emotional abuse are even worse than physical and take a lot longer to heal from. It takes a long time and the sooner you start healing the better for your sake and your child's sake. Besides you say that he has actually hit you. Abuse only gets worse in time.

Womens shelters take women who are being abused, no matter what type of abuse it is, and even if the physical abuse has only happened once that is enough. You are with an abuser. If you get in touch with the shelter you should be able to talk to someone to start off with and they should be able to help you plan your escape.

Terry

I put his needs and the kids ahead of mine and l am paying the emotional price.

A lot of people make this mistake, kids need to grow up in a safe place where their mother is able to see to their needs which she cannot do if she is with an abuser. If she stays she is passing the abuse on to the next generation.

take care
Mati

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((Annabelle))))))))

I don't have the same problem as you, but I would say it is time to start planning seriously. You are right to be concerned about the kids - for many reasons. Are there relatives you can live with? A shelter nearby? Do you have any resources?

Many here will be able to give you good advice. I like your spunk and sense of humor. Please keep visiting and posting. We will be here when you make the break. There will be some hard times ahead, but you can do it. So many here have and their lives are so different - and good - now.

Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

((((ashley)))))

Welcome. Do you have any relatives you can stay with? Do they understand the situation you are in? Do you have friends? Is there any way to save a bit more money?

I am so sorry for you. Your situation is very tough. You will definitely need to scrape together everything you have. Although youcannot get help from women's shelters, is there a church or organization nearby you can look into??

Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Ashley and Ann,abelle
  I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have made so many mistakes in the areas you are talking about that I cannot even  comment. I am sending you love and prayer.
    (((((((((((((((((Ashley, Annabellle)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))                 Love  Ami

[Certain Hope]

Dear Ashley,

It hurts my heart to think of you in such a mess. One of my daughters was married to such a character... divorced now and he's providing no support for their little girl, who's 3 1/2, but she and her mama are doing okay on their own.
Just want you to know that this mess is not the end of all hope for you.
She was able to find roommates to help share the expenses of getting her own apartment... maybe that is an option for you?
Also, I wondered... since you are legally a minor, isn't there some other help available through social services?
I used to be in the Lutheran church, which has an excellent organization for helping young moms.
You can do a google search in your state of residence for "Lutheran Child and Family Services" and contact them?

Hugs to you, dear girl... please know that my prayers for you and your baby are that you will receive the help you need to be able to live in a safe place, surrounded by people who will cherish you both. Please write back when you can and let us know how you're doing?

Oh, also, there may be a Christian legal aid office in your area where you can get good counsel on how to manage other aspects of this situation.
Google that and see what you find? The more you let people know of your need, I am sure the help will be there... just around the corner.
God bless and keep you.

With love,
Carolyn

[jillebean]

Ashlee,
first off, NO ONE EVER DESERVES ABUSE OF ANY FORM E...V...E..R...!!!!! Second, children are amazingly resilient and when removed from abusive homes and given the love and care they deserve, the chances of emotional dammage are much less than if they stay with the abuser. 

2 out of 3 of my children were born into abusive homes. i got myself and them out and I am so grateful I had the courage to get out before it was too late.  Emotional abuse is actually quite dangerous all by itself because it is often what comes before physical abuse. i worked in a women/children's shelter not long ago and I URGE YOU TO CALL THEM ASAP.  If he hit you only once, that's all they need to know. 

I'm sorry about your mother's behavior.  You deserve to feel safe. Doesn''t sound like she's the answer at all. 

Anyway, I urge you to call a local women's shelter where they are equipped to help you with all of your needs (financial, emotional, physical, educational, etc..). You may be surprised at how soon you'll be able to breath again.  Please get yourself and your children to safety. 

Love,
Jill