Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

tears at 4am

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October:

--- Quote from: bunny ---

I don't know if you've heard of the concept of "object constancy." That is a developmental state attained by young children when they understand that their mother is still alive and will return, even when they can't see her in the room or house.
bunny
--- End quote ---



Thanks, Bunny.  This makes a lot of sense.  

<Adds to the list>

<Bangs head on desk>

 :lol:

RobG:
You are experiencing what we have all experienced at some point or another. Your mother 'needs' something to worry about. Your mother can then use this 'worry' to attract the 'understanding' of others. Once she has the 'understanding' she also has 'power and influence' over those who are now playing to her tune.

Quite ironically my 'girlfriend' came on the phone 'again' while I was on this forum. She was doing exactly the same thing. She had to deal with something 'really hard and upsetting' last Friday. She expected me to send her a text or make a phone call to 'show my support'. The task that she had was neither hard or upsetting, and certainly not worthy of a 'message of support'. What she was trying to do was gain influence over me by subterfuge.

If it wasn't for what I had read on this forum I would have started feeling guilty, but this time I didn't. I told her that in the first place I didn't have a clue about the task that she was performing, and that we all have to do things in life that are hard. It doesn't give anyone the right to contact someone and whinge and whine until they get what they want, especially when as in her case she volunteered for the task.

As predicted (again thanks to the forum), I get floods of tears, no coherent conversation or discussion, no admission that she might be out of order, and stunned silence when I mentioned the 'gaining control by acquiring sympathy'. What I did get was another 'difficult thing' that she had to deal with. It goes on and on. 'N''s are remorseless and relentless.

I hate myself for treating another human being this way, but without fail every time that I have exposed her real objectives she has instinctively changed the subject, made even more demands and accusations, and blanked me.

People on here gave me advice, and I am taking it. It is not easy, it is very, very difficult. However, the response to my actions has always been text-book 'N' and that gives me the confidence I need.

Rob G

Dazza:
Hi Flowergirl:

You are not alone. I cagree with RobG that your mother needs something to worry about. N's are wired to believe this. It gives them strength and heightens their sense of grandiosity.

Your mother's constant calls/texts are methods to control you. Worrying about your sibling in the middle of the night gave her the chance to put on a great performance (at your expense). Typical!

It sounds like you are in a difficult position - sort of damned if you do, damned if you don't. There are some methods that might create the boundaries that are needed between you, but my experience is that they only work temporarily. Avoiding the N is simply the most effective method of self-protection.

Anonymous:
very interesting...

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