Bloopsy, my anger comes out one way or another. I'm tired of it coming out in ways that hurt me too. Starting about a year and a half ago I started screaming and cursing at my wife. Granted, she was and has been doing a lot of hateful stuff. Still, my reaction shocked and scared me. I felt very out of control and afraid that I would be stuck in rage for the rest of my life. I thought that I had "snapped" and would never be "me" again. I'm not trying to compare the intensity of my experience to yours. Thank God no one ever raped me, because my parents were completely out of touch and would not have been able help me in any useful way!
Now, in hindsight, I realize that I HAD to feel my anger and even my out of control rage in order to know what I want and who I am. I DIDN'T know myself before I started getting angry. At that time I thought I *was* anger because that's all I saw. I was just holding it all in and aiming it at myself. Somehow, all of this anger and rage started coming out when I was ready to grow. I didn't realize I was ready to grow. I wasn't looking to grow. I wasn't conscious of any of this at all, it just happened when I was ready. I didn't feel ready. I still don't. But, that is what has started me down the section of my road to recovery. To recover my real self.
For me, there are 2 peices that I do to deal with all these feelings. The first is letting it out. Not that I have a choice! I had to let out enough of all those years of anger and rage before I could see straight enough to do ANYTHING else. It's hard to pay attention to yourself, others, or anything else while you are vomiting! You just don't care at that point in time because you are taking care of more important stuff. BTW, the most grateful I have ever been in my life was when a nurse helped me by doing the Heimlich Maneuver on me when I was vomiting in the hospital. What a point of Grace that was to be held and helped at my lowest, most helpless point.
Once I had let "enough" out, the pressure was more managable. The single most helpful thing I do now is allow and accept my feelings. I accept that they are MY feelings. I try to make more "room" for them to keep the pressure low. I don't try to change them. I don't try to get rid of them. I try to be aware of them, how they feel, where in my body I feel them, which inner family member I associate them with and anything else that comes to mind. When I have done this "long enough" I always learn something, grow, make a decision I've been putting off, something. When these feelings come up for me it is ALWAYS to help me take the next step somewhere in my life. I know that now. But, when I am in the middle of feeling it all and feeling overwhelmed and having tunnel vision it is SOOO hard to just sit with it. That's the last thing I want to do. It gets a little easier each time I practice it. Every decision I make or feeling I reown is one less piece of baggage I have to carry around on my shoulders.
I hope this helps. If nothing else, know you are not alone in having these feelings and thoughts, though that is exactly how it feels for each of us.
