I Feel Like Such a Jerk

[E C]

I was hoping to get some commentary on a certain feeling I am getting. I have determined that my father is a narcissist and because of this I have been avoiding him like the plague. But inevitably we do run into each other on almost a daily basis. I treat him coldly and respond with curt answers. This is not because I am pissed off at him (though I do acknowledge that I am) but more because I am afraid to open any doors. I find that as soon as a crack exists the door comes forced wide open. I am sure that many of you have experienced this.

So, basically I realize that this is a survival technique but still I feel very bad. I am not this rude to any other person I know, and because of that, this animosity between us is quite obvious. He is adept at playing the victim and I look like a jerk. Because of this I feel like a jerk. Believe it or not, at times I feel sorry for him. It's like I can't win.

Comments please...

[E C]

I forgot to add, he always throws conteptuous looks at me when others are not watching but plays all depressed when they are. So, yeah

[Anonymous]

Well it's too bad you have to see him every day, that sucks. But you're doing the right thing. If you feel rude and like a jerk, try to tolerate it. This is mainly anxiety at changing habitual reactions. If you can tolerate it for a little while, you will soon feel less jerky and will just be glad you're keeping your distance.

bunny

[delphine]

Hi EC,
The hardest thing about Ns is that you just can't be yourself around them without getting burned. Since ALL attention is NS (narcissistic supply), and Ns also get off on knowing they can push your buttons, even coldness and curtness feed his Nness.

Around my N relatives and NXH I try a technique suggested by Charlotte Kasl- I "keep my energy inside myself". I neither reveal my mood nor state of being to an N nor do I allow them to alter my mood. It comes across as cordial but distant.

If, however, an N begins raging, I mirror the rage, rage back, and walk away. Ns admire strength and distain empathy, kindness and trust, which they view as signs of contemtible weakness. I never show any kindness nor offer intimacy to an N.

Rudeness is the price we all pay to have Ns in our lives, which is why many of us choose no contact at all.  After many years of lessening their impact I still have to be on guard every moment I'm around one. And I've never learned to feel GOOD about being so cold to them, it is out of character and unnatural to me, too.

Delphine

[longtire]

Hi EC,
It sounds to me that what you are really feeling bad about is reacting to your father rather than behaving intentionally.  In your post you use terms like rude, survival technique, afraid to describe your behavior or feelings.  You don't seem proud or self-supportive of your behavior in the situations. That indicates to me that he may actually still be in control of the situation and getting a rise or reaction out of you.  BTW, I have been working on this in relation to my wife for a long time and still have a long way to go.

Why not choose beforehand how YOU want to behave, what YOU want to say, how YOU want to say it (tone of voice) and how YOU want to hold yourself (body language) the next time you see him?  Regardless of what he does or says.  You could practice in front of a mirror ahead of time what your words, facial expression, body language, etc. will be.  That way, the next time you encounter him you will be more likely to behave the way you want, rather than reacting.  Practicing over and over can really help change this behavior that seems to be causing you distress.

I'm sorry if I've misinterpreted or otherwise misunderstood your situation.  Take what's useful and ignore the rest.  Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You're not a jerk, EC, you're just trying to protect yourself from further harm.

I like Longtire's idea of planning and practicing different responses.

GFN

[Stormchild Guesting]

Isn't it incredible how Ns poo all over us  
then train us to feel like jerks when we excuse ourselves to take a shower?  
:::applause::: EC, you had to figure out a different way to respond and you came up with the best thing you could figure out.
And now you're here looking for other options.

Good on you!    

[Anonymous]

EC:

I think just trying to be neutral, neither hot nor cold, a poker face if  you will might help out.  I like the suggestion of maybe practicing before the mirror (literally) to the different kinds of N responses you get from him.  As GFN said  you are not a jerk, you are only protecting yourself .

I am sorry you have to put up with this on a daily basis.

Patz

[Anonymous]

Hi EC,
Just curious; why do you run into him on a nearly daily basis?
Is it not possible to put up some type of jerk-proof fence?

mudpup

[Anonymous]

EC,

Is it not possible to put up some type of jerk-proof fence?

By "jerk" of course I meant him not you. I hope you didn't take it the other way.

mudpuppy