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Nparents and depression

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nightsong:
Hello everyone,

For a few weeks now I've been lurking here and finding great comfort in many of your posts. You seem such an insightful and kind group of people. So I hope it's OK to make my first post about me (I'm not supposed to 'show off', I'm sure you'll understand).

I don't think there's a thread here about depression - if there is I apologise, it's 3.23 GMT and my brain may not be functioning at its best. I had about 4 hours sleep and yes, that's part of the depression.

Essentially I have come to realise that I have been depressed for most of my life, presumably as a defense against my N parents. The damage came very early for me I think, in that I was unwanted, the wrong sex (would have been tolerable if I'd been a boy), cold and hungry during my infancy because of her incompetence and indifference - my mother tells me these things with no awareness of the impact they may have on me. Subsequently the control was about her fragility. Adult standards of behaviour were expected of me from the start. Something I realised recently was that, while she proudly reports that I never had a tantrum, she had them all the time. Go figure, as the Americans say.

I've been reading some of the books - again, thanks to people here for posting titles that have been useful to them. Currently I am finding Victoria Secunda's book, 'When you and your mother don't get on', helpful in understanding what happened. I do at the moment feel absolute rage against both of them, but her in particular. This summer she came to stay and I actually criticised something she did, for the first time ever I think. (She has been criticising me, subtly but relentlessly, my whole life. My role is to smile and say nothing).

Well, she hasn't spoken to me since, and despite my guilt I am in no hurry to break the silence. But I do feel completely stuck.  I think the worst legacy of all this is my sense that there is no help for me - that the entire universe is indifferent. Despite a loving husband and a few good friends I feel alone with this. So now I am reaching out to strangers for help. Another paradox I suppose, except that I know you guys understand this stuff, since you have all been through something similar.

Any thoughts would be very much appreciated.

Clueless:
Hey nightsong,

I know all about having to an be adult when you're just a kid and the effects that can have on you. We emigrated to a new country when I was 12, and when I was 14 my mum died. Without going into too many details (it's a LONG STORY) I became the "little woman" of the house 'cos my dad did nothing and my little brother was only 11. I know parents have to grieve too, but I had to clean, cook, take care of my schoolwork and try to make new friends in a whole new country, as well as trying to deal with the loss of my mum! The result: at 23 I was burned out, and I know all about the tiredness, the lack of motivation, the emptiness that you feel. It's horrible. All I can say is be good to yourself. If you don't want to talk to her, don't. Do things on your terms and don't be guilted into things - guilt is an extremely tiring emotional burden. One last thought: please don't give up on the universe! It may feel indifferent, but there are people right here for you! :)

Tinkergirl:
hi nightsong, and welcome.

this is the best place to talk about you....and you will eventually be able to help others once you feel supported, too.  

clueless is right...don't speak to your mom if you don't want to.  take this time to really sort out your feelings, investigate your rage, allow yourself the time and attention to be who you want to be since you have never been allowed to.  once you allow yourself to heal a bit, find someone (therapist, perhaps) to help you sort through the most difficult aspects of your depression and come up with a plan...an actual plan that helps you see the light in your future.  

a loving husband and a few friends is so much more than so many others have...i know that is no consolation on your dark days, but making a concrete plan to help you feel better about yourself will help your well being and self esteem.  don't allow your mother to take away your adulthood.  she has already stolen your childhood.  go ahead and be selfish...it is your life and your time to shine.  take care.

nightsong:
Thank you so much, clueless and Tinkergirl. I cried when I read your responses - it feels so good to have permission to be myself and put myself first for a change, but I'm so scared to actually do it. There is still that childhood fear that something catastrophic will happen to her, and it will be 'all my fault'... I think the idea of therapy is a good one. I did have some a while ago but I was too defended about my relationship with my parents to make much headway. Now I see the truth much more clearly, so maybe it's time to try again.

Is it common to develop depression as a response to all this? It seems to me to be related to 'learned helplessness', that sense that I can't win and nothing I do will ever change anything. There is also the loss of my idealised view of her I suppose, which I have clung to for so long. My father died three years ago and my main response was relief. Perhaps I haven't mourned his death yet. Ah well, plenty of issues for the therapy!

Thank you again for your kind responses. I like the idea that one day I may be able to provide some support for other people, as you are doing. That feels like a constructive hope for the future, and I can really do with some of those.

Anonymous:
Hey nightsong,

It's terrible that you have to feel guilty about things that "might happen" in the future! Life should be about being together in the now - things can happen to anyone at any time... If you've read my first post you'll know that I think I'm an N myself so it might sound a bit rich coming from me, but my own experiences with depression and isolation have made me realise just how vital that really is - to really be with people. That's what makes life living.And it's up to her to realise that.

I like what you said about "learned helplessness" - there is a lot of that in the world and we could all benefit from learning to help ourselves. I know depression really feels that way, but it's not helplessness; it's a defense mecahnism against stress and pain. Going through a depression is hard enough without trying to find out if it's "real" or just all in your head - I should know.

Nobody likes losing ideals, but real people with real feelings must be better than cold ideals.Maybe this depression is a blessing in disguise, if it helped you find this site. And you're already helping people, cause it sure is nice to talk to you. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel good and positive, and love yourself cause other people need you, and don't run away from your depression or try to "downplay" it. It's happened for a reason, not because you're weak. Stay positive and lots of luck :D

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