Narcissism begets Narcissism?

[Newguy]

My Dad and Mom are classic Narcissists.  My brother and I grew up with a lot of abuse and emotional neglect.  We're both bright, ambitious individuals.

Working through therapy, I have come to see my parents as Narcissists, and have come to accept and move on with the abuse I suffered as a kid.

What I'm really worried about is that I am a Narcissist.  I've done lots of research and I fit the bill.  I'm wondering if growing up in a household (lived with Dad for most of teenage years) void of real love can help shape a Narcissist, or if I'm just a guy with Narcissistic tendencies.

I am very competitive and ambitious.  I'm in the arts (acting, music).  Everything is about bettering my career and earning awards, praise, reviews.  If I don't get a good review I am devastated and depressed and very angry.  People are in my lives, but I always feel like I have to "manage" them.  As if "now is the time I talk to x, so she can feel good.  Okay, did that.  Now I will write y and see if we're still close.  Okay, good.  Next up is support z so z can support me."

Contractual relationships.

I don't want to make the post too long.  Basically I score really high on personality disorder tests with Narcissism, and I am very concerned about getting praise and adulation.  I feel like it is possible to wean myself off this, especially as I see the monsters my parents can be.  I do care about people, though it is not natural.  I have to engage myself to care.

My best friend is a Narcissist.  We battle each other constantly.  He currently has the upperhand with praise and accolades and I'm depressed.
I want to beat him and show him I am better than him.

I'd like to shed the Narcissistic skin.  Is it possible?  Or is it better to just accept myself AS a Narcissist and make the best of my situation.  I'm wondering also if being raised by Narcissists makes one crave attention and love, and after accepting that maybe I can heal.

[Newguy]

hmmm, I've been looking at a lot of the other posts and this subject is touched on a lot.  Seems like we pick up some traits naturally.  I'm gonna go along with my therapist's analysis that I'm not a narc and try to shed some of my more negative competitive traits.  

No need to reply to this post, as it's been covered already.  Take care.

[longtire]

I think we need a banner at the top of every page that says "If you are afraid you are a pathological N, then by definition, you cannot be!"  

Seriously, welcome here Newguy.  I think all (definitely most) of us here share the same fear to one degree or another.  How much praise, adulation and accolades (and attention, reinforcement, support, healthy teaching, etc.) did you get from your parents growing up?  None or next to none?  So why wouldn't a healthy adult be looking to get things that they didn't get previously in their life.  Seems natural (not N) to me!  Post away here.  Sharing the details and feelings of my experience and getting support for it has been invaluable to me.  Get some of the praise and adulation you deserve here.

[bunny]

Welcome Newguy,

Even though you said there's no need to reply to your post, I'm a-gonna, cause I feel like it.

I'm wondering if growing up in a household (lived with Dad for most of teenage years) void of real love can help shape a Narcissist, or if I'm just a guy with Narcissistic tendencies.

Yes it can. But it's not the end of the world. A guy with N tendencies might be a really neat person. N tendencies aren't all bad. Without them, not much would get done in the world. It's destructive N tendencies that are the problem. And those can be worked on.

I am very competitive and ambitious.  I'm in the arts (acting, music).  Everything is about bettering my career and earning awards, praise, reviews.  If I don't get a good review I am devastated and depressed and very angry.

I don't blame you. I'd cry and hate everyone if I got bad reviews. Maybe the question is, how long do you stay devastated, or can you get back on your feet again relatively quickly?

People are in my lives, but I always feel like I have to "manage" them.  As if "now is the time I talk to x, so she can feel good.  Okay, did that.  Now I will write y and see if we're still close.  Okay, good.  Next up is support z so z can support me."

I think this is kind of normal....I can relate to it actually. I'm wondering if many people do this but not consciously. It's reflexive. You're more conscious of it. It's very hard for me to feel really concerned. I'm pretty detached most of the time. This doesn't make me a bad person (IMO).

Are people okay with your style, or do you have a lot of problems getting along with them?

I have to engage myself to care.

That is okay. A real N wouldn't bother engaging themselves for one minute. It wouldn't even be on their radar screen.

My best friend is a Narcissist.  We battle each other constantly.  He currently has the upperhand with praise and accolades and I'm depressed.
I want to beat him and show him I am better than him.

Natural, considering your N parents. Sounds like it's about your family and who will be favored or loved (a wild guess).

You're healing already.

Keep posting!

bunny

[Brigid]

Welcome NewGuy,

Its amazing to me how many times in the short time I have been a part of this board (about a month) that this topic has come up.  I will make a short response just because I, too feel like it.

N traits are OK and healthy if not destructive.  I was raised by an N and married two of them, but I am definitely not one.  I FEEL things and they do not.  Look into your heart and see what you feel there.

I think the bottom line is, if you question it, you are not an N.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Newguy:

If you have the ability to question if you are a narc, then you are not one.  Narcs do not have the ability for any introspection and be able to relate themself or to others.  Adulation and accolades are a good thing.  It represents a job well done by your peers.  It is only a problem when you get the accolades and adulation by manipulation, by dishonesty at the expense of others.  This is pathological.  I don't see this in you.   You are not an N.  Patz

[October]

No need to reply to this post, as it's been covered already.  Take care.

Hiya Newguy

What is very clear from your posts is that you are in very great need of affirmation and emotional support.  You also appear to be very frightened of rejection, from your second post.  You tell us not to reply, so that if nobody does reply you can say 'I didn't want them to anyway.'  It is a defence against the slings and arrows that you have learned to expect.

Whether these slings and arrows are for rejection, anger or ridicule, there is something nasty that is familiar to you from the past.  

No wonder you crave good reviews, and are devastated by bad ones.

I would say, forget whether you are or are not N.  Your t is not bothered about this, so it probably is not an issue.  But you are clearly in need of friends, and (pretty well almost) unconditional love, and you will find both here.

[Anonymous]

Hi Newguy and welcome:

I'm wondering also if being raised by Narcissists makes one crave attention and love, and after accepting that maybe I can heal.

You've described how you think you crave attention so very honestly and I applaud you for posting what you have about yourself and chancing the potential rejection that could have been in the back of your mind.

Good for you!  A person with NPD would probably not take such a risk of being rejected or admit such things about themselves so I say..relax a little.  Take a deep breath and give yourself credit for trying to find out the dreaded.  That was very brave.

I think you've really nailed it with the above quote because I bet you didn't feel loved by your parents?

Since all children crave love and acceptance from their parents, you seem pretty "normal" to me.  I can't imagine a child that doesn't want this from their mother and father, can you?  If so....there must be something wrong?

Maybe the way you are going about getting what feels like it might be acceptance and something like love from others.....isn't working for you?

Do you think you might have acceptance and love confused?  Does acceptance feel like love to you?

Have you felt loved by anyone?  Do you love yourself?

I don't want to pry so don't answer if it is at all uncomfortable.  But maybe thinking about those questions might help you to decide if you are indeed hurt and that the little boy in you might still be hurt and that you are "normal" to feel that way.  If so....you deserve to heal.

Glad you are posting and trying to sort things out.  It can really help.

GFN

[newguy]

What wonderful wonderful responses.  Thank you all for replying, and ignoring my 'ignore this post'.  You have eased a lot of my fears about Narcissism.  So much to think about.

I'm almost afraid to be human.  I get upset about bad reviews: but like someone posted, that's normal.

I guess my parents were so sub-human in ways, that when I feel guilty or even a wee bit selfish, I think that I'm becoming them.  Hyper-sensitive to doing the things that make us human.

Thanks for all your wonderful posts.  You guys are nurturing and supportive.

[October]

I guess my parents were so sub-human in ways, that when I feel guilty or even a wee bit selfish, I think that I'm becoming them.  Hyper-sensitive to doing the things that make us human.

Thanks for all your wonderful posts.  You guys are nurturing and supportive.  

Nice to have you with us, Newguy.