geting an agressive N out of your life

[jondo]

I come from a family of extreme N's.  So affected are they that most think they are just unique and of strong character - that's why they feel so "different" from others.  They are agressive and anything said in opposition is grounds for a fist fight.  I have largely separated from most of them however there's still a few that I for some reason, still am compelled to maintain an unhealthy relationship.  I suppose it's out of fear because that's all I feel.  It's easier to just continue in that sick subservient dynamic than to face their agressive wrath.  It's the one thing I haven't managed to do yet in my healing - effectively voice myself and remove their domination.  They need to be dominant in the relationship and I am basically just there to serve their needs.  That is always the case with N's however when they are so agressive and potentially violent then it makes it much harder.  Does anyone have the experience of shedding or changing a relationship like this?  With funerals and wedding ocassions, it's really a difficult thing to do.

[vunil]

Jondo--

Do you have a therapist?  This sounds impossible to do alone.

Also, if you are willing, could you share an example of the violence? I assume it's physical violence?

This seems really serious.  We will do all we can to help you work through it.

hang in there,
vunil

[Jaded911]

You cannot pick your family but you sure the hell can pick how much of their chit you are gonna take.  I would rather be without family then to have people who treat me like a whipped dog.

As far as a therapist goes, IIIIIIII am not so sure that everyone needs a therapist to deal with crisis.  I think you know that the circumstances surrounding your family is abnormal.  If not you wouldnt be posting about their actions.  You just have to decide how you want and expect to be treated by others, including your family.  If they choose not to treat you in the manner that you feel you deserve, you know the answer then.  Run, run, and run and dont look back.

[jondo]

Thank Vunil,
well, I suppose I'm referring only to one cousin who is more agressive than the others.  He doesn't realize it however he is the angriest person one could ever meet.  Probably been in 500 fights in his life of 38 yrs and is quite proud of it.  I've known him since birth and I know where this comes from - like I, he was completely without voice as his parents were alcoholics and unfit parents allround.  I was like him to a degree until I began to understand the reasons for why a person is so.  By the way, I've been in therapy and yes it got me this far.  I really only have this one difficult relationship left.  He controls everything around him.  He doesn't realize that he utilizes intimidation in his communication - he thinks that is how a person becomes successful - making things happen.  This is elementary stuff as far as N symptoms.    We have fought before and it is when he was drinking.  He is angriest during and after drinking, which is several times a week.  I  had a telephone conversation with him a couple of days ago and I ended up hanging up on him because his anger is frightening.  He was a loaded powder keg, like usual, waiting to take any comment personally and then the confrontational challenges begin.  He epitomizes all that I was subjected to from my N mothers behavior.  We'll see each other soon at a funeral and I know he'll be seething for a confrontation.  He knows that I have changed and he is just waiting for me to dare to change my relationship with him.  For some reason I am an easy target for his anger at his own parents - which I don't think he sees.

[Bliz]

Is there a particular reason you have to interact with this cousin at all? Wondering if you can just not deal with him.  Is there something that ties you together that makes that impossible?

[jondo]

I know - that sounds so obvious of a solution - no contact.  We've been staying in touch for years and I'd like to withdraw from that because I get nothing from it.  It's usually to just validate whatever he's doing/saying - you know how N's are, it's always about them.   He's very troubled and angry and he's accustomed to having me validate him.  Whenever I appear to have moved past something, such as with my obvious improved mental and emotional state, it's like he takes that as an attack or statement that he's inadequate or faulty in some way.  Which if I was able to be honest with him - he certainly is.  I suppose the frustration I'm feeling is that as an N victim, I'm used to meeting others needs.  However now I know how wrong it is to continue feeding him and it's driving me crazy.  I just can't seem to stand up to his degree of anger.  I guess there's no real solution to this other than to just avoid any contact whatsoever and hope he leaves me alone.

[Anonymous]

jondo,

This cousin sounds extremely unstable and volatile. And unfortunately he appears to be very dependent on you. But it isn't your job to prop up this guy or be his garbage container. You will never change him or fix this situation. Avoidance and becoming dull/boring are your best bets.

The website below focuses on romantic relationships but it applies to anyone who needs to distance themselves from a disturbed person:

www.drjoecarver.com (read the article called "Identifying Losers in Relationships")

bunny

[sleepyhead]

Hi Jondo: First of all: Congratulations to getting all those other narcs out of your life! But this cousin sounds scary... Just wondering if maybe you found it hard to cut him out of your life b/c you used to be the same? Because you had the same bad experiences and you feel empathy for him b/c you know what it's like? Because you have managed to turn yourself around and hope against hope that he will too? Just asking. Hope you manage to get away from him by whatever way and means, and know that you are way  for coming this far...

[Portia]

Jondo, don’t stand up to his anger, you don’t have to. Just let it ride past you and walk away. Or stand there and look completely blank, don’t respond. Standing up to his anger might be encouraging him more?

Hiya Jaded911,   I love your posts.

[Anonymous]

Jondo:

I have found it helpful that when an N is off the hook like this cousin, do not respond.  The fact that you are getting healthier is an extreme threat to him.  You are no longer mirroring the image he likes to see....no N supply from you.  Unfortunately I had an N experience at my late father's funeral as well.  It seems that if any "underlying" issues are going to come out in a family it is either at a funeral or at a wedding.

Patz

[jondo]

Sleepyhead, Patz thanks.  No, I don't have empathy for him because I was like him and now I hope he changes.  That's not it.  I truly want nothing to do with him.  My wife dislikes him, from the two ocassions they've met and spoken.  You know the unspoken contract that an N looks for. The first time he and my wife spoke, he was looking to be held in high regard and superior to her and for her to "respect" him.  She's from a normal background and she was mortified to learn that people like this even exist.  Patz your words resonate completely with me.  That is it.  That is what drives him.

[Visiter]

Jondo, is there any way that you can arrange to arrive slightly later at the funeral, avoid the viewing if there is one, just step into the back for the service to pay your respects and then leave when the service ends? Only if this feels appropriate to you. It isn't running, it's a way of paying your respects to your dead without allowing the living jerk to interfere in that process.

You may have to separate yourself from some family members to do this...  by not being available for transportation if they ask (that is a classic narcissist trick for trapping and controlling people. Offer them a ride or ask for one, which ties you to them with yet another obligation.)

Recovering co-dependents learn this dance fast. I hope the moral support helps, even if the idea isn't of use to you. Best wishes

Visiter

[jondo]

That's a great suggestion thanks.  In fact, that is how we'll attend this funeral.  My wife can't believe that we have to "look out" for this powder keg however she's starting to understand the N world after a year of marriage to me and learning the family dance that you refer.

[Anonymous]

Jondo,

My wife dislikes him, from the two ocassions they've met and spoken. You know the unspoken contract that an N looks for. The first time he and my wife spoke, he was looking to be held in high regard and superior to her and for her to "respect" him. She's from a normal background and she was mortified to learn that people like this even exist.

I know the feeling. From the first time my wife met my brother she considered him weird, even though he was on, what for him, is his best behavior. During an argument some time later I let slip that my wife thought he was weird. He barely spoke to her after that, I think because, in a strange way, he respected  her more than he was angry with her. Or maybe he was just afraid a third party opinion from outside the blood family would harm his facade of superiority.

If this cousin is truly violent do you not have any legal recourse? Violent nutjobs are not just a threat to you, but potentially your wife and kids as well, if you have any. Maybe a little time in the hoosegow would convince him to find someone else to vent on. Or do you think it might make him zero in on you even more?

mudpup

[jondo]

If I told him that my wife thought he was weird he would seethe until we met again and then stand in front of our faces and dare us (her) to repeat it. And regardless of what happened next - he would punch me in the face.  You are absolutley right - he needs to go to jail.  Maybe in there he would have the courage to face his anger instead of drinking and unleashing his anger on others (I think this is why alot of people are in jail)