Walking wounded

[Guest]

Hi.  I am new here.  I have lurked for awhile and posted as a guest.  Maybe one day I'll get up the courage to post as a name.  

I have been, and continue to be, walking around like half a person for as long as I can remember.  I call it the walking wounded ... like I'm there but half the time I'm not really there.  I come from a family of narcissists who I am constantly trying to please.  Sometimes I kid myself into thinking it's not that bad.  Then the narcissist behavior (controlling, manipulating, denying, ignoring, devaluing, etc.) will occur and my rage will follow and then my guilt and shame will follow that.  It's an exhausting process and I'm tired.

I guess what I'd like to know is ... when did people start to make a break with the N's in their lives?  After successful careers?  After marriage?  After kids?  After deaths?  I haven't had these things in my life yet.  

I just don't feel strong enough to make the break until I have a solid life of my own.  So it's walking wounded until then.  It's nice to know a place exists that I can come for hope though.  Thanks.

[Pat]

Hello,

I hope you will continue to "lurk" and post.  Walking wounded is an appropriate description and I often feel that way too.  I have just finished reading a book that ought to be in the back pocket and purse of every person who was raised a N parent or parents.  It's called Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, subtitled A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.  As well as offering excellent descriptions of N behaviour there are some very good strategies for dealing with these folks.

Have you read the articles that Dr. Grossman has posted?  They're very helpful.  If you're just starting to dig your way out, or you've benn digging for a long while and see glimmers of light, this is a good place to get support and insight from other people's experiences.  I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Alan]

when did people start to make a break with the N's in their lives?

They leave when they have had enough of the madness. We get to a point where we start to have perspective on the disorder and we have hit our pain threshold, when we don't want to put ourselves thru it anymore, when we can know in our heads and hearts that there is nothing we can do.

We all do what we can at first to make things work, to give them help.  That's bec. we have empathy and don't just think of ourselves. But at some point it becomes the law of diminishing returns.

It's tough to be in their presence if that is the only alternative.  Learn all you can about the disorder and learn how to defend against it.  Distance yourself as best as possible.  It's very hard but it can be done and needs to be done.

In the end it becomes; get out as soon as you can.  They rarely can be helped and will not change.  It becomes the only answer.

[Simon46]

Guest,

I don’t know when people decide to make a break with their N’s, but I think Alan’s right. There will come a time when the pain and internal conflict becomes too great and something must be done. For me, it was in my mid-forties and it came up “out of nowhere” because I had not dealt with it yet. The pain was manifesting as depression, living with a lot of non-specific anger, and finally culminated in a breakdown.(my term) It burst forth all at once and I later realized that it had a name, and that I wasn’t “making it up” as I had always been told. For me the break with my parents was not a decision that was made with my head. I finally got to a place in my self that Had to speak up. It was not a choice. I knew that all hell would break loose and the punishment would be severe. I was right. So I guess I am saying, is that if you expect to change the rules of the relationship with your parents, be prepared for the backlash and go forward. You will know when you are no longer willing to be demeaned and devalued and when you trust what you know to be true more than the lies you have been living with.   You will know when you must do the work.