New to all this and need some support!

[bluesky]

I am brand new to all this. My mother has been recently actually diagnosed with NPD, as I found out in a joint therapy session that was a nightmare, as most of you can probably imagine. That was 2 weeks ago and I haven't been quite the same since ( preoccupied with thinking about it, no energy, sleep problems, some guilt). The one good thing is that now I have a name for the problem that has eluded me all these years! Connecting here with others who have the same issue is so validating and  comforting. My biggest problem now is I have chosen to have as little contact as possible with her. It's a problem because she lives 5 minutes away and  my 2 young children are her only grandchildren and she can't stand the thought of not seeing them. She will make this as difficult as possible and I just can't take it any more. This whole disorder is so complicated there is almost no way to win, it seems. Any support or suggestions will be greatly appreciated by my fragile state of mind.

[webster]

Good luck to you. I hope things go well for you. I have been seeing a counselor lately for the same thing. I believe my mother is an N also. I have 4 brothers and sisters and we all have been affected by this. Things are the worst they have ever been with my parents and the whole family is suffering. My N mom doesn't return my calls any longer. I have decided "whatever". I am seeing a great counselor and learning about what is really going on and learning about myself too. I need to take care of myself and so do you. Taking care of ourselves also means not being controlled by N parents like puppets. I feel bad for my parents. Seems they should have never married 50 years ago or they should have divorced about 45 years ago. Anyway things are bad for them but I do feel that my N mother is bringing this onto herself at this point. Counseling and self-awareness is good. I'll keep you in my thoughts

[Anonymous]

Welcome to this board:

My deepest sympathies to both of you posters.  I also come from a family of the "self absorbed". It is truly a revelation when you have a name for the "problem".  

Unfortunately full blown Ns will use anything and anyone to manipulate to get their NS (narcisstic supply).  Your best line of defense is to have as little contact as possible.  As for her grandchildren, I would hate to have your children at this point without a grandmother (inasmuch she is only 5 min. away).  Having said this, the minute she starts manipulating and using your children as pawns to get her way, you will have to tell her that her visits will have to be scheduled. She will have to call and set up a time, no dropping by, no coming in on the fly etc.  As far as you are concerned, you will have to develop a very thick skin to maintain your distance.

Again, my deepest condolences to both of you posting here.  

Patz

[Anonymous]

I do not consider not allowing my child contact with her grandparents as her being "without grandparents".  She has grandparents, who happen to be unhealthy and toxic to our family and so we chose not to have contact with them.  Most specifically we don't allow contact with our child.  Our child had contact for a number of years (5) and our family including our child is much more happier now not having contact.  We have other older adults in her life (we aren't young ourselves I was almost 39 when she was born) that can provide nurturing for her that is usually provided by grandparents.

In ways I wish I hadn't allowed so much contact when she was younger, but you can't redo the past .  We take this as being a learning situation for our child that even though there is someone that you may want to have contact with if they refuse to be respectful to you and others than it is a valid choice to make not to have contact with them.  Yes, we would prefer things to be otherwise but we do not have control over others, so of the choices life has provided us, this is the choice we have chosen.

We do have sympathy for their situation, however they have made their choices also and they our responsible for their choices.  We are at peace with our choices and the consequences.  It is their responsibility to come to terms with their choices and the consequences.

LM

[October]

Hiya Bluesky

I also have an N mother, although she has never been formally diagnosed.  I maintain contact on a very superficial level, and pretty well always at my comfort level.  I visit, I drink a cup of tea, and I come away again.  I have a daughter (12) who is used to visiting her grandparents, and is in many ways close to them, but she is old enough now to realise that something is not right when she is with her gran.  We talk about this and we unravel it, but I am still concerned, as others are, that I allowed too much contact when she was small.    

After my ex went off the rails and into drink my mum looked after my daughter when I went to work, sometimes for as much as 3 days per week, until she started school.  I hope that I am the biggest influence on her, but to be honest sometimes I wonder.  

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that if you have just found out that your mother is NPD, this will result in grieving for you.  You will grieve the mother you never had - as we all do - and you will go through this as with any other bereavement, and it will take a long time and be very painful for you.  If at the same time you are dealing with separation from your N mum and your daughters' confusion, it may be too much.

Can you achieve emotional distance while maintaining a pretence of some form of superficial contact, or would that be too damaging?  A better alternative  might be to draw up a list of positive friends and relations to visit instead, and then keep yourself so busy that you and your children don't even notice that you are not seeing the N.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Hello Bluesky:

Welcome.  I'm sorry for all the difficulties you are struggling with.  It's not easy to sever ties with a family member, a parent.

Perhaps, a little at a time would be less shocking and easier to adjust to?

Keep posting.  I'm glad you are asking for the support you need.

GFN

[Daisy]

Hi Bluesky

I too am new to this, but it is my MIL that has NPD and it has not been diagnosed, I just KNOW it.  The woman is a friggin nightmare and makes my life and to a certain degree her son's (my husband).  Unfortunately my husband doesn't quite "get" this is and pretty much feeds her supply of demands instantanteously.  We are trying to work through it, but we are just beginning.  Unfortunately too, there is not a "no contact rule."  My husband WANTS his mother around.  

She just built a house across the street from us and has been driving me apeshit ever since.  She calls 16 times a day, come over whenever she wants and demands the use of my husband like a handy man. We have an 18 month old daughter who she purports to love, but pretty much treats her like a pretty object when it is convenient for her to do so.  I am also six months pregnant with our second child.

The woman is a *itch, but for my husband I deal with her as best I can for now.   I alos understand your problem of "grandkids" and them wanting to maintain a relationship.  That is such a hard one.  I am just waiting for her to do something hideous or selfish with my daughter, and I realize it is only a matter of time.  Then I will POUNCE.  

I wish you the best.  Since I too am learning I don't have much to offer except understanding.

Kelli