Help for girl

[Icare]

I am so very grateful to find this board, and wish that I had found it much sooner.

My 18 year old birthchild , was raised in a Narcisitic envirorment.
It has created a conduct disorder in her, caused her to have prepetual
"bad relationships",  an eating disorder, and emotional & phyicological damage. We want so very much to help her, in anyway that we can,. She is in therapy, however, the therapist is paid by the N's, and she has gone through so many therapists , because the minute they begin to identify
the Narcisism, her adoptive parents find someone else.

How devastating this can be for an innocent child, who's struggle to find her "voice", has lead her down one dangerous path after another.

We want so much to help her, my husband too had Narcisism in his home growing up but did not develop  the same difficultys  in life that  my  birth daughter is suffering with.
I grew up in a home, with a "voice", and now I fully understand  & appreciate just how blessed I was .


Is there anything we can do to help her? ??

She is still living at home  with her N's but does plan to leave in a few months time. They have already threatend to "cut her off"  should she leave home without their approval.

Thank you so very much,
Jay

[Anonymous]

Welcome Jay.

Sorry to hear that your daughter appears to be such a tortured soul.

I have some questions that would assist me in offering you any advice:

How long have you been involved in her life? Always or just recently?

Do you have a good rapport with her?

Are you in a postion to lend support to her in any form needed (emotional, financial, etc)?

Is she receptive to you and your Husband?

Do you have any communication with her adoptive parents?

Are you willing to commit yourself to her without any time restrictions?

Thanks for shedding more light on your situation.

Mia

[Anonymous]

Thank you so very much for your reply Mia. We are trying to do all we can to help her, and i so appreciate being able to learn as much as i can to be able to do so.








I have some questions that would assist me in offering you any advice:

How long have you been involved in her life? Always or just recently?

I had Semi open contact ( letters/updates) from the time of her placment at birth, yearly &  bi yearly from the adoptive parents These were always wonderful letters, I was always encouraged and so thankful to them for this, and was always assured of her health & progress.At the age of 14, the adoptive parents allowed  for her to have phone contact with us, but not to see us or have any visits. From the beginning of this, there was a sharp contrast as to the positive letters and the reality of my daughters life, and the true feelings and position of the adoptive parents.


Do you have a good rapport with her?
 Yes, we do.However, I walk a fine line as she is a young adoptee, and I wish to show respect for her  life and family and privacy, but at the same time, in learning about all  that she has suffered through,  I wish only to help her which Im finding is  very difficult as a birthparent.   Although of course I want to maintain  an ongoing and hopefully  positive  relationship with her, I believe this to further complicate her homelife,
and the already difficult enviorment  in which she has lived and is living.



Are you in a postion to lend support to her in any form needed (emotional, financial, etc)? Yes, and we have offered .

Is she receptive to you and your Husband?  Yes, but only  to a point.


Do you have any communication with her adoptive parents? Some, but very little. They have mostly refused contact, except in one instance where they needed for me to help them.  They have resentment for me, and any relationship I or any birthfamily member would have with their daughter.

Are you willing to commit yourself to her without any time restrictions?
Oh yes, I am willing to anything I can to help her.

Thanks for shedding more light on your situation.

Mia

[Anonymous]

If your birth daughter is planning on leaving in a few months then I guess you will pretty much be on stand by to help pick up the pieces.

Do you know if she mentions the relationship she has with you during her therapy sessions?  If so then maybe the therapist could also help during her transition period when she actually leaves her parent's home.

It sounds like you are doing as much as you can do given the current circumstances.  Until she breaks away from them you should continue to do what you are already doing (being available to her and offering support).  Hopefully she will follow through and leave....should be easier for her to do since she is 18.

Best wishes.  I'm sure other folks will have better advice.

Mia

[mum]

Hi and welcome, Jay.  No, Mia, I don't have any better advice. I wish I did, although I think what you have said is right on.
Jay, I find it admirable that you have such calm. I don't know anyone in your situation, it sure sounds unique.  I think Mia is right, perhaps when this young woman leaves her unfortunate home situation, you will be available to help, should she want it.  As long as she knows you will welcome her, it seems it's the most you can do.
How hard it must be for you, to have given this child up to those you thought would give her a better experience in life, only to find it may not be so.......but you are still there, still caring, still making sure this girl gets the right chances.  I have a great deal of admiration for you.
She is very lucky she was born to you.  You are still looking out for her.  Bless you.