Voicelessness and Midlife Crises

[JoJo]

I separated from my husband of  25 years in  traumatic circumstances 2 years ago.   I am trying, with some,  but not complete success, to move on and heal,  but more importantly understand how things could get as bad as they did and especially try and fathom my own role in the process.  My ex- husband  is,  I still believe at heart,  a warm and decent person, who slowly over the years, because of his voicelessness perhaps,  has completely lost his way.  Or is this denial??

Just before  his 50th birthday, there  was a huge crisis,  where to protect my own integrity and our children’s well being, I had to force him to leave our family home. It was a long and painful process as he tried to hold on,  but wouldn’t get help.  Periodically since,  I have had to break off  any contact with him,  when he behaved in a hurtful or inappropriate way.  I have found that this exaggerated behavior on my part, is the only thing that reaches him and it is not something that comes easily to me.  Like many women I am a talker!  

At this time I barely knew him. He was remorselessly self-absorbed, searching for some perfect love, ( an alcoholic woman was involved – clearly unstable who harassed me and our son requiring a police complaint). He  exhibited no understanding of the pain he was causing, obviously  needed to be free of his family responsibilities  ( although to be fair,  financially he has always been honorable). He effectively abandoned his children emotionally in a way I would never have imagined. He was unable to talk at all about the way he felt and any attempts I made to push this,  resulted in  him minimizing the problem or  literally,  running away. He would not see a therapist or gain any self insight in any other way.  He seemed cold and calculating.  He had no problems – I just needed to relax.  To the outside world – everything was fine , he had just met another woman.   Sound familiar?  

Today, we are not together, but he won’t discuss divorce.   I’m not sure now if that would make a difference anyway – ( or am I still hanging on too? ) .   I still feel very strongly connected to him,  we have known each other for over 30 years,  and although  he regularly  asks for a reconciliation, I can see by his current  lifestyle choices ( yet another woman, still won't get help)   that whatever caused this is still there. I would only be setting myself up for future heartache.  

You will all know,  that these things obviously don’t come out of the blue. With 20/20 hindsight many of the red flags were there,  interspersed throughout our joint history    - I just didn’t see them and if I did,  I didn’t understand them or know how to handle them correctly. There were also some very good times,  but   he  always  had, off and on,  an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  I did go  to counseling to help me deal with this   and I learned how I was unwittingly actually fuelling situations.  I did consider leaving,  but believed foolishly that love conquered all and was afraid of being a single parent.  ( not foolish ,  it can be tough and lonely)  

My current therapist,  suggested to me that my ex-husband exhibits narcissistic traits,  consistent with childhood trauma  ( perceived or actual)  or ongoing  emotional neglect. and introduced me to the concept of voicelessness,   which  made complete sense. His parents were not bad people, they just didn’t know how to be parents and set no boundaries, did not encourage or discipline, affirm or put down. They were not aggressively narcissistic ,  they just didn’t do anything very much at all other than provide food and shelter.  He was the emotional adult in the family.   She explained to me that people who  are not parented correctly , may not be equipped to deal with conflict, stress,  aging, career issues etc that come in mid life and are therefore prone to crisis.  Do  they ever come through this or are they so damaged they just carry on the path they fell on?  What happens to the people involved in the fall out?
 
 I’m not sure if I am looking too hard for an explanation that seems to
”  join the dots” and I am  just rationalizing very bad behavior. People can make choices and the reason they behave the way they do,  is because  others let them, probably because of their own family of origin issues. I have natural care taking instincts from  my own background.   I’m finding my search for understanding  very complex.

 My concerns are primarily for my children. Ironically,  my  ex- husband  is neglecting his own children  emotionally as badly as he was neglected by his own parents – if not worse,  because he has the intellect and education  to behave differently – but chooses not to.

 This has rambled on a bit -  but  any ideas?.

[Anonymous]

Wow Jojo,

I can't tell you much your post has moved me. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is neglecting you and your family so badly. He must be in a lot of pain over what he is doing, even if he can't express it. The way you've described his parents non-parenting sent chills down my spine, because that's exactly the way my dad raised my youngest brother and me. He was never bad, but he just was never there! I am now 28 years old and going through a severe crisis, including alcohol abuse, and I pray that it's not too late for me to change the pattern in my life. I don't think you're trying too hard to "join the dots" - I think you're trying to reach someone you love. I wish he knew how lucky he is to have you, and that he doesn't have to face his pain and his ghosts alone. I think if more of us really knew that there was someone out there for us, we could let go of our fear and grow.

I'm suspecting that his parents never acknowledged the damage that they did to him, so he probably feels like he can't acknowledge it either. Maybe he's afraid that if he admits that he's damaged you won't love him anymore? Obviously his behavior is a withdrawal, a denial, because he does't want to face up to something inside himself.

I wish you much strength and courage, and thank you again for sharing.

[Clueless]

Hey Jojo,

That last reply was me - I wasn't logged on!

[Anonymous]

Hi JoJo,

"Any ideas?"  Here comes a bunch.....ideas not answers.

I am running off to yoga so I have no time to check for errors here, please excuse any mess as I have to go take care of ME!

Congradulations on getting out.  You did the right thing for your children.  Your compassion towards your X, their father, is excellent.  I hope that you treat yourself with compassion too and in so doing also teach your children about alternative relationships.

I am impressed by how susinctly you articulate a very complicated dynamic.  Also, I don't hear much about you in it. What do you need outside of averting crises with him (good move!) and what would/does attract you (even slightly) to a person who provides....provides what for you emotionally?  Sounds like you miss something just a little bit?  What is the "connection" you still feel?  As you'll see in my long post here I too know a lot about my N husband.  Problem is it is far more than he knows or cares to know about himself.  

I’m not sure if I am looking too hard for an explanation that seems to
” join the dots” and I am just rationalizing very bad behavior.

I struggle with this issue too.  My latest feeling is that looking for an explanation that seems to "join the dots" is, though time consuming and exhausting and complex for sure.  What isn't so good is using that glorious effort to rationalize bad behavior.  I struggle with it daily as I still live with my husband who has N traits.  What is the motive to rationalize?  That is a key quesiton for me.  My desire to make Ok or more OK what isn't OK is exactly the key to why I am still here.  

he has the intellect and education to behave differently – but chooses not to

I believe that it has nothing/little to do with intellect nor education and so much to do with connection and heart.  He is making the same error in thinking it is about anything other than connection and feelings.  I believe the brain is a servant of the heart.  It can influence the heart and yet it is our hearts that make the final choice.  He makes choices from a limited menu.  We all do.  I believe we can help one another expand our menus AND we can't always help those we want to help.  They have to find their own menu expander and all we can do is encourage them to do so and take care of doing so for ourselves.

There is an interesting radio program in which a therapist speaks about Nism (Search this site for radio in subject and you'll find it - NPR) .  There are a few guests on the program however I found the last speaker to have the most comprehensive perspective & experience.  He describes when it is that Ns come in for treatment and actually work on their issues.

There is an article I posted (Steath Radar, ...) this month that is a bit laborious but describes briefly the passive/depressive N.  It also reviews various apparent types of apologies and expressions of gratitude that are just attempts to return to a prior state, manipulate an outcome, fix a self image, vs true feeling of remorse, empathy and a desire to right the prior wrong as much as possible.  My husband will likely want me back WITHOUT wanting to even try to really make amends for what damage his behavior caused or to aim for a better relationship.  He cannot see the damage, will not look at it as he has no tools to deal with pain and he has a prettier picture to look at instead.  It is sad really as I believe that underneath his is a despirate struggle for survival.  I also believe that to gain a truer self will require a sort of figurative death of his false self.  No wonder they run.  

My understanding is that N's (anyone else for that matter) have to hit rock bottom and not just regret the loss of attention and/or situation but really feel pain.  It isn't just that parents neglected them emotionally as children it is also about the parents having supported a false image, a performance for which the N was paid well, at least well enough.  "Be a grown up, take care of the family, hide your limits, your needs and you'll get a cookie!"  Of course the pay off is much more than a cookie and yet it is amazing what we humans will do for connection of anysort.  Children especially and the inner child we keep inside will do a lot for a crumb, a piece of a connection cookie.  The underlying message the parents gave is also that "pain is too hard to deal with.  Hide it and perform instead"  That is a great short term strategy NOT a way of life unless you are truely imprisoned and the world around you stays as constant as a prison.  Even then I don't know how good of a strategy it is.  If they don't feel and respond to their own pain how the heck will they learn to respond to anyone elses?  In fact it angers them that someone would cause them disorientation (abruptly change the rules) by having feelings at all!  It throws off their compass.  

Sometimes I project my feelings onto my husband (with N traits who I am planning on leaving).  I would and do feel intolerable pain that would/does prompt me to action (slow perhaps but ultimately action).  I am motivated by joy too.  So, I expect that is what is going on for him too.  However, I am finally getting that the attention he recieves and the image he has of himself (that serves as a promise of attention even when he isn't getting it at the moment) is a sort of warm blanket to him, a buffer - anyway it is nearly all he knows intimately.  I too share qualities with his lack of emotion - despite our relative difference in that area.  How else could I have gotten here?  

Now though my strategy is that I try to only respond to sincere experiences of emotion from him.  I try not to respond to his anger as that is the only emotion he expresses and was the trump card in his family.  Oh, yeah and it sucks for me!     They dumped too much responsibility on him without enough acknowledgement and support and then they praised him for his image and moreover when he got angry they gave him space.  He didn't learn to ask for space or negotiate.  He didn't learn that his need for space was in part a signal he needed support.  He just got mean, like a caged animal backed into a corner, and it worked.  His parents aren't to blame as they did their best.  None of this is about blame.  Unfortunately he uses the anger trump card with me and it doesn't work - it just triggers my feeling like a caged animal too.  Otherwise though he doesn't express much feeling at all though. He won't say what is beneath the anger.    And I am moving on so I am careful not to invest in trying to encourage his dealing with his feelings when he just isn't motivated to do so.  Moreover, his mom interviewed him a lot..lived vicariously through him so my attempts to support his expressing true feelings triggers a series of defenses.  Each person is so unique, so complicated.  If baking a cake is difficult how can we expect tracing the recipie of a individual to be so simple!  He gets just enough from his work and his family to keep on his N path.  He did go to therapy with a male therapist who was compassionate and who diagnosed his Nism.  That combination worked well however we moved from that city and my husband has not found not tried hard to find another therapist.  Sounds to me like your X is also getting enough attention/feedback, reinforcement of his self image to keep on his path.  Sometimes I feel that my love, as close to love as I can give a person who doesn't really show up, is just another buffer between him and the pain he must access to get authentic.

Either way I want to be in a relationship in which we acknowledge our vulnerabilities and strengths without shame or fear and we influence one another in support of empowerment that is bilaterally negotiated instead of unilaterally manipulated and bullied.  I barely understand what that must feel like.  Again it is about relative differences not right or wrong.  Slight relative differences can have dramatic consequences though. My husband doesn't have the slightest clue and isn't even motivated to, doesn't yearn for a better relationship enough to search for it within our relationship (or otherwise) so [i]I'm outta here![/i]  (I got deep into it/him as you can tell probably from this elaborate post).


YIKES THIS IS THE LONGEST POST EVER....

[Acappella]

Back from yoga.  Woops my post was as Guest.  I know that I can check the auto log in option however then whomever uses this computers gets auto logged in too: Not an option I am going to go for.  My screen said I was logged in.  

I see there were a lot of typos in my post but hopefully some of it is of use anyhow.  If anyone knows a way to edit or delete when posting as guest I'd appreciate your passing that info along.  

What I meant to say about connecting the dots was that I feel that part, though difficult and time consuming, is good...a productive effort when we use the results well.  

ECHO

[JoJo]

Hey Echo -  Thanks for your really long post. You don’t know how good it feels to be in a dialogue with someone who has an understanding of the confusion and complexity of situations like the ones we seem to experience . There have been times when I have thought I must be going mad.  I totally lost sight of what “normal” (functional –or even vaguely functional) behavior should be.

There is a me in the picture –I just didn’t write about it this time. You’re right that crisis aversion/ management has been one of my primary functions for a very long time.  I do have  short term goals for myself.  one of which is to become financially independent.   My therapist was strongly practical too – ( long experience  presumably)  and  advised  me to protect myself financially and legally  not just emotionally. I suppose it was on the basis that it is much easier to heal if you are not pre-occupied with money worries.  It seemed quite calculating – but there was some truth in this  -so if you are serious about your intentions to leave, I don’t know if you are considering this.

I started my own business when I had reached the stage that you seem to be at, where I sensed  that things would never get better and that the only  healthy way forward was to separate. I had hoped that this wouldn’t be the case, but you can see I was starting to  make contingency plans and detaching a little.    I didn’t do this  just for financial reasons  I love my work and  am learning and growing – but it is very time and energy consuming.  My other goal has been to support the children though what have been some pretty crazy experiences which became their normality  I would say that I have a full life,  but I’m not in a place where I am ready for another relationship. They say it takes 3-5 years  to recover and that sounds right. There are times when I am lonely – but it seems a more healthy aloneness. There were times when I was lonely in my relationship and the feelings I get now seem better somehow!.

There are lots of things that I miss about my married life and having an intimate relationship with my ex husband. Although we had some really terrible times , there were some really great ones too. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is loving someone ( whatever that is! – the connection I spoke of)   – but knowing that the relationship not only can’t work as things stand currently– but could  actually be damaging to myself and the kids. I have also wondered about your point – that if a person with N characteristics, just knows that someone loves them  - is that enough of an N supply to keep them going?  My  ex husband does seem to only want a family at his own convenience ,  when it fits in with his calendar and other things in his life . I am no longer as bewildered,  hurt and angered by the fluctuation between engagement and detachment   - I just think this is the same old crazy making behavior .Unfortunately this is my kids normality and has been for a while.

“Has the education etc”  You’re right I don’t know why I said that!  Even the brightest , well educated,  talented person can be driven by their own sub-conscious instincts – addictions and other disorders are pretty unselective about  IQ levels. It takes some understanding to see beyond a successful career, home,  kids, wife, social life  etc , that something underneath is not right and can be rooted in childhood development and experiences.  My husband understands at a rational level that there is “something missing in the fabric of his life, that other people seem to have” – his own words,  but can’t connect the consequences of his behavior with a need to take some personal action. An N trait?   Sounds like.  I have also been told that this may change when he hits rock bottom – but have no idea what his personal  rock  bottom would be – his primary relationships are all troubled, there has been a professional downside and it seems that at 50+ his life is chaotic. He  looks gray and troubled.  Sad, but  not my problem any more.

I  also don’t want to sound as if I have behaved in some sort of saintly way! There have been times when I have been very hurt and angry and have often expressed this in ways that can only fuel situations and contribute to the general  downward spiral. The line between compassion that you spoke of and co-dependency can be very fine.  It was only after seeing a counselor that I started to be learn to step back and watch out for and deal with the triggers that caused my own unconstructive behavior. When you are badly hurting  it is very hard to slip into correct behavior mode.  I’ m getting better – if only by having more limited dealings with the source of the pain..  

You talk about the reasons you want to go – but not why you stay? Do you know why?.


JoJo

[Acappella]

Hi JoJo,

"You don’t know how good it feels "  No, I didn't.  Now I am getting familiar with that feeling & the source of clarity & strenth that it affords.  I find it a fine line between just posting a rambling journal entry vs. a lengthy response, dialogue vs monologue - this whole internet posting thing is new to me.  You're welcome for the long post and I am glad it had some value to you.  

The line between co-dependancy and compassion is a thin zig zaggy fuzzy one for me too.

"starting to make contingency plans and detaching a little"  that is the stage I am at.  Sometimes my only attainable goal in a day is to not slip back into the relationship even though we share a tiny house and one car.  

It seemed quite calculating to me too.  You have been with your husband 25 years and that is a quarter of a century!  I imagine in must be very hard for you in many ways.  You'ld have to have a heart of stone not to feel a tug towards the past.  I guess it is like making funeral arrangements - the dealth of a relationship.  The logistics of clean up pale in comparison to the feelings and potential lost.

That is great that you love your work and are growing there.  
 
Your husband may hover above his rock bottom for the rest of his life.  I have seem people do so.  When you love them your instinct is to protect them, assist them some how.  Yet it is like we are heart surgons and they've got a spinal injury.  The best we can do is refer them.  Often they'll seek plastic surgery instead anyway.

Why am I still here?  
When I discovered this whole N thing I did an inventory of past relationships and realized that it only took me 2 decades to graduate from a full-blown raging somatic text book narcissist to the man with N traits I am with now.   I left so many relationships and in retrospect I am so very glad and sort of proud that I did.  And ironically this being the best relationship yet I find it harder to leave.  He has good qualities in a addition to the N stuff.  

I am still here because I do love parts of him (parts - sounds like I am ordering chicken    ). but honestly I don't/cannot love him as a whole person.   I cannot access the "him" he won't show readily and doesn't know, nor value, nor trust himself so I can't actively love him.  He can't love me either, not actively.

Short answer: I am still here in small part due to love (an intimate understanding of another person for whom I have respect & appreciation.).  Mostly I am here due to fear.  I fear being alone.  Something I handled better in my youth. I fear having no other connection in the world so staying with what little connection I have at home.  

Long Rambling Answer:  
I ignored my background for years.  I believe I know now where my fear comes from and still I am not clear on how to over come it.  I've been to therapy and even group therapy for years both of which were helpful.  Now I feel I need social therapy and it doesn't exists except perhaps that what the internet is giving birth to.  (I could probably get it from church however while I feel spiritually connected I don't believe in/relate to a particular version of formalized ritual and religion).

I basically have no family.  I was an only child of parents who isolated & silenced me in a variety of way when I was very young.  Later, they both attempted suicide, not together as that would have required team work.  One "succeeded".  The other failed and blamed it on my finding her.  I lived in foster homes in which for a variety of reasons I was again isolated.  One kept all of us foster kids in the basement and only took disabled children or an "exception" in my case because I was so quiet (my parents trained me well to survive there). In another home, due to my ethnicity, I was made to exist marginally.  Even the staff was prejudice.  I understood what was going on - in some ways that knowledge protected me from taking it too personally.  Also, the isolation was in some ways a good thing - in the second home all of the girls were prostitutes and I was not invited to play dress up and go out at night with them.  I watched them and at first wanted to get made up too and be with them and wear something colorful.  Good thing they excluded me.  I could go on but my point is that the key to my still being with my N husband is mostly residual fear about the world and the isolation I feel.  I've made so much progress but have hit a plateau now.  

In my 20s I looked only at the ground.  It was many years before I realized I did that.  I went to college (although I'd never attended much high school - didn't graduate) without ever asking a single question because I was scared and shy. I went through a time when I sort of turned around like the Elephant Man in the subway (movie reference here) when cornered & realized I was a human being and not the gargole I felt like inside.  I have no problem looking people in the eye now.  I connect easily with so many different sorts of people.  

I turned my experiences into a source of empathy and insight in many ways.  My N husband sort of envies my authenticity and how I can connect without a mask. People open up to me easily.  I don't judge others much at all.  To go to the next level I feel like I need a mentor, social rehabilitation.  I need to get a job. Ironically I worked since age 12 and suported mysself since I was 15. Now I am struggling to choose and pursue work.  

I thought of starting my own business but I am tired of doing things alone.  We rent and I have always carted a container garden with me. This time I said to heck with it and planted a garden right in the ground.  People pass by the garden I planted and just love it.  I sit at my desk and get to watch people of all ages, tired or fueled with youth, men, women etc. enjoy it.   I get excited passing by people's yards and seeing the arrangements.  I have a strong love of nature.

I have to find full-time work that pays.  I am poised to start volunteering with at risk youth a few hours a week though - visited a great program (nothing like when I was kid!), filled out paper work etc.  However, I feel without a support network myself I won't be able to give well to those kids.  I dreamed that by this time I'd have a family and a home.  

Sometimes I wish there was good ole fashion mom therapy - the sort where on a tough day a person (me for now   ) could get a hug, some wisdom and a little nurturing.

[JoJo]

Hi Echo – I was truly moved by your story. I felt humbled by some of the tough times that you have had and my own experiences at the hands of a self absorbed middle- aged man , pale in comparison.  All I can say to you  is that you seem to be an articulate and intelligent person and I’m sure you have many special qualities.  I  can only ask you to have self belief .  While you are watching your garden grow , ( possible career?)   remind yourself of the things you have not only survived,  but have come through , a better and more insightful person.  That takes some doing – so be proud of that.   By having even a small amount of self insight you are already one step ahead.

One of the advantages of being with a partner with N characteristics is, that as long as your efforts don’t impinge on them, they don’t really notice what you’re doing with your time – because the only people they are really interested in is themselves! So maybe you have the opportunity to set yourself up in paid employment , to do things for yourself and  plan  and secure your own future. Branching out on your own should not be underestimated. I really was well advised,  because it isn’t easy,  which is why so many people settle for less (  or  just compromise in an adult way,   depending on your view point) Your inner child will find it harder to flourish if your chronological adult can't make  the monthly payments.

You are the only one who knows where your line in the sand is. Maybe in the search for personal growth and  employment, your perspective will change anyway and you will bring those changes to your relationship. Then who knows how that will impact the dynamics.  I just wish you all the luck and success.

JoJo