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Voicelessness and Midlife Crises

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JoJo:
I separated from my husband of  25 years in  traumatic circumstances 2 years ago.   I am trying, with some,  but not complete success, to move on and heal,  but more importantly understand how things could get as bad as they did and especially try and fathom my own role in the process.  My ex- husband  is,  I still believe at heart,  a warm and decent person, who slowly over the years, because of his voicelessness perhaps,  has completely lost his way.  Or is this denial??

Just before  his 50th birthday, there  was a huge crisis,  where to protect my own integrity and our children’s well being, I had to force him to leave our family home. It was a long and painful process as he tried to hold on,  but wouldn’t get help.  Periodically since,  I have had to break off  any contact with him,  when he behaved in a hurtful or inappropriate way.  I have found that this exaggerated behavior on my part, is the only thing that reaches him and it is not something that comes easily to me.  Like many women I am a talker!  

At this time I barely knew him. He was remorselessly self-absorbed, searching for some perfect love, ( an alcoholic woman was involved – clearly unstable who harassed me and our son requiring a police complaint). He  exhibited no understanding of the pain he was causing, obviously  needed to be free of his family responsibilities  ( although to be fair,  financially he has always been honorable). He effectively abandoned his children emotionally in a way I would never have imagined. He was unable to talk at all about the way he felt and any attempts I made to push this,  resulted in  him minimizing the problem or  literally,  running away. He would not see a therapist or gain any self insight in any other way.  He seemed cold and calculating.  He had no problems – I just needed to relax.  To the outside world – everything was fine , he had just met another woman.   Sound familiar?  

Today, we are not together, but he won’t discuss divorce.   I’m not sure now if that would make a difference anyway – ( or am I still hanging on too? ) .   I still feel very strongly connected to him,  we have known each other for over 30 years,  and although  he regularly  asks for a reconciliation, I can see by his current  lifestyle choices ( yet another woman, still won't get help)   that whatever caused this is still there. I would only be setting myself up for future heartache.  

You will all know,  that these things obviously don’t come out of the blue. With 20/20 hindsight many of the red flags were there,  interspersed throughout our joint history    - I just didn’t see them and if I did,  I didn’t understand them or know how to handle them correctly. There were also some very good times,  but   he  always  had, off and on,  an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.  I did go  to counseling to help me deal with this   and I learned how I was unwittingly actually fuelling situations.  I did consider leaving,  but believed foolishly that love conquered all and was afraid of being a single parent.  ( not foolish ,  it can be tough and lonely)  

My current therapist,  suggested to me that my ex-husband exhibits narcissistic traits,  consistent with childhood trauma  ( perceived or actual)  or ongoing  emotional neglect. and introduced me to the concept of voicelessness,   which  made complete sense. His parents were not bad people, they just didn’t know how to be parents and set no boundaries, did not encourage or discipline, affirm or put down. They were not aggressively narcissistic ,  they just didn’t do anything very much at all other than provide food and shelter.  He was the emotional adult in the family.   She explained to me that people who  are not parented correctly , may not be equipped to deal with conflict, stress,  aging, career issues etc that come in mid life and are therefore prone to crisis.  Do  they ever come through this or are they so damaged they just carry on the path they fell on?  What happens to the people involved in the fall out?
 
 I’m not sure if I am looking too hard for an explanation that seems to
”  join the dots” and I am  just rationalizing very bad behavior. People can make choices and the reason they behave the way they do,  is because  others let them, probably because of their own family of origin issues. I have natural care taking instincts from  my own background.   I’m finding my search for understanding  very complex.

 My concerns are primarily for my children. Ironically,  my  ex- husband  is neglecting his own children  emotionally as badly as he was neglected by his own parents – if not worse,  because he has the intellect and education  to behave differently – but chooses not to.

 This has rambled on a bit -  but  any ideas?.

Anonymous:
Wow Jojo,

I can't tell you much your post has moved me. I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is neglecting you and your family so badly. He must be in a lot of pain over what he is doing, even if he can't express it. The way you've described his parents non-parenting sent chills down my spine, because that's exactly the way my dad raised my youngest brother and me. He was never bad, but he just was never there! I am now 28 years old and going through a severe crisis, including alcohol abuse, and I pray that it's not too late for me to change the pattern in my life. I don't think you're trying too hard to "join the dots" - I think you're trying to reach someone you love. I wish he knew how lucky he is to have you, and that he doesn't have to face his pain and his ghosts alone. I think if more of us really knew that there was someone out there for us, we could let go of our fear and grow.

I'm suspecting that his parents never acknowledged the damage that they did to him, so he probably feels like he can't acknowledge it either. Maybe he's afraid that if he admits that he's damaged you won't love him anymore? Obviously his behavior is a withdrawal, a denial, because he does't want to face up to something inside himself.

I wish you much strength and courage, and thank you again for sharing.

Clueless:
Hey Jojo,

That last reply was me - I wasn't logged on! :lol:

Anonymous:
Hi JoJo,

"Any ideas?"  Here comes a bunch.....ideas not answers.

I am running off to yoga so I have no time to check for errors here, please excuse any mess as I have to go take care of ME!

Congradulations on getting out.  You did the right thing for your children.  Your compassion towards your X, their father, is excellent.  I hope that you treat yourself with compassion too and in so doing also teach your children about alternative relationships.

I am impressed by how susinctly you articulate a very complicated dynamic.  Also, I don't hear much about you in it. What do you need outside of averting crises with him (good move!) and what would/does attract you (even slightly) to a person who provides....provides what for you emotionally?  Sounds like you miss something just a little bit?  What is the "connection" you still feel?  As you'll see in my long post here I too know a lot about my N husband.  Problem is it is far more than he knows or cares to know about himself.  


--- Quote ---I’m not sure if I am looking too hard for an explanation that seems to
” join the dots” and I am just rationalizing very bad behavior.
--- End quote ---


I struggle with this issue too.  My latest feeling is that looking for an explanation that seems to "join the dots" is, though time consuming and exhausting and complex for sure.  What isn't so good is using that glorious effort to rationalize bad behavior.  I struggle with it daily as I still live with my husband who has N traits.  What is the motive to rationalize?  That is a key quesiton for me.  My desire to make Ok or more OK what isn't OK is exactly the key to why I am still here.  


--- Quote ---he has the intellect and education to behave differently – but chooses not to
--- End quote ---


I believe that it has nothing/little to do with intellect nor education and so much to do with connection and heart.  He is making the same error in thinking it is about anything other than connection and feelings.  I believe the brain is a servant of the heart.  It can influence the heart and yet it is our hearts that make the final choice.  He makes choices from a limited menu.  We all do.  I believe we can help one another expand our menus AND we can't always help those we want to help.  They have to find their own menu expander and all we can do is encourage them to do so and take care of doing so for ourselves.

There is an interesting radio program in which a therapist speaks about Nism (Search this site for radio in subject and you'll find it - NPR) .  There are a few guests on the program however I found the last speaker to have the most comprehensive perspective & experience.  He describes when it is that Ns come in for treatment and actually work on their issues.

There is an article I posted (Steath Radar, ...) this month that is a bit laborious but describes briefly the passive/depressive N.  It also reviews various apparent types of apologies and expressions of gratitude that are just attempts to return to a prior state, manipulate an outcome, fix a self image, vs true feeling of remorse, empathy and a desire to right the prior wrong as much as possible.  My husband will likely want me back WITHOUT wanting to even try to really make amends for what damage his behavior caused or to aim for a better relationship.  He cannot see the damage, will not look at it as he has no tools to deal with pain and he has a prettier picture to look at instead.  It is sad really as I believe that underneath his is a despirate struggle for survival.  I also believe that to gain a truer self will require a sort of figurative death of his false self.  No wonder they run.  

My understanding is that N's (anyone else for that matter) have to hit rock bottom and not just regret the loss of attention and/or situation but really feel pain.  It isn't just that parents neglected them emotionally as children it is also about the parents having supported a false image, a performance for which the N was paid well, at least well enough.  "Be a grown up, take care of the family, hide your limits, your needs and you'll get a cookie!"  Of course the pay off is much more than a cookie and yet it is amazing what we humans will do for connection of anysort.  Children especially and the inner child we keep inside will do a lot for a crumb, a piece of a connection cookie.  The underlying message the parents gave is also that "pain is too hard to deal with.  Hide it and perform instead"  That is a great short term strategy NOT a way of life unless you are truely imprisoned and the world around you stays as constant as a prison.  Even then I don't know how good of a strategy it is.  If they don't feel and respond to their own pain how the heck will they learn to respond to anyone elses?  In fact it angers them that someone would cause them disorientation (abruptly change the rules) by having feelings at all!  It throws off their compass.  

Sometimes I project my feelings onto my husband (with N traits who I am planning on leaving).  I would and do feel intolerable pain that would/does prompt me to action (slow perhaps but ultimately action).  I am motivated by joy too.  So, I expect that is what is going on for him too.  However, I am finally getting that the attention he recieves and the image he has of himself (that serves as a promise of attention even when he isn't getting it at the moment) is a sort of warm blanket to him, a buffer - anyway it is nearly all he knows intimately.  I too share qualities with his lack of emotion - despite our relative difference in that area.  How else could I have gotten here?  

Now though my strategy is that I try to only respond to sincere experiences of emotion from him.  I try not to respond to his anger as that is the only emotion he expresses and was the trump card in his family.  Oh, yeah and it sucks for me!   :shock:  :D They dumped too much responsibility on him without enough acknowledgement and support and then they praised him for his image and moreover when he got angry they gave him space.  He didn't learn to ask for space or negotiate.  He didn't learn that his need for space was in part a signal he needed support.  He just got mean, like a caged animal backed into a corner, and it worked.  His parents aren't to blame as they did their best.  None of this is about blame.  Unfortunately he uses the anger trump card with me and it doesn't work - it just triggers my feeling like a caged animal too.  Otherwise though he doesn't express much feeling at all though. He won't say what is beneath the anger.    And I am moving on so I am careful not to invest in trying to encourage his dealing with his feelings when he just isn't motivated to do so.  Moreover, his mom interviewed him a lot..lived vicariously through him so my attempts to support his expressing true feelings triggers a series of defenses.  Each person is so unique, so complicated.  If baking a cake is difficult how can we expect tracing the recipie of a individual to be so simple!  He gets just enough from his work and his family to keep on his N path.  He did go to therapy with a male therapist who was compassionate and who diagnosed his Nism.  That combination worked well however we moved from that city and my husband has not found not tried hard to find another therapist.  Sounds to me like your X is also getting enough attention/feedback, reinforcement of his self image to keep on his path.  Sometimes I feel that my love, as close to love as I can give a person who doesn't really show up, is just another buffer between him and the pain he must access to get authentic.

Either way I want to be in a relationship in which we acknowledge our vulnerabilities and strengths without shame or fear and we influence one another in support of empowerment that is bilaterally negotiated instead of unilaterally manipulated and bullied.  I barely understand what that must feel like.  Again it is about relative differences not right or wrong.  Slight relative differences can have dramatic consequences though. My husband doesn't have the slightest clue and isn't even motivated to, doesn't yearn for a better relationship enough to search for it within our relationship (or otherwise) so [i]I'm outta here![/i]  (I got deep into it/him as you can tell probably from this elaborate post).


YIKES THIS IS THE LONGEST POST EVER....

Acappella:
Back from yoga.  Woops my post was as Guest.  I know that I can check the auto log in option however then whomever uses this computers gets auto logged in too: Not an option I am going to go for.  My screen said I was logged in.   :(

I see there were a lot of typos in my post but hopefully some of it is of use anyhow.  If anyone knows a way to edit or delete when posting as guest I'd appreciate your passing that info along.  

What I meant to say about connecting the dots was that I feel that part, though difficult and time consuming, is good...a productive effort when we use the results well.  

ECHO

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