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Author Topic: where do i begin  (Read 1910 times)

ulimbo

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where do i begin
« on: April 05, 2005, 09:01:20 PM »
iam just getting out of a horrible relationship. Where verbral and sexual abuse was used . I feel terrorised, i cannot tell any of my friends. Iam trying to heal and trying to move on sometimes iam plagued by guild and shame and sometimes blaming myself i fell likei have no where to turn someone out there who has recovred please talk to me.
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mum

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where do i begin
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2005, 09:18:55 PM »
HI, and welcome to this safe place.  I would venture to say that everyone here has been where you are in some way and has felt what you describe as well.  So you are in good company.
You will no doubt, hear this a lot, so I will start: are you in therapy?  Is there some human (not in cyberspace) who you could confide in?  Don't worry, everyone who has left this kind of relationship has these wounds..everyone.  You are not so alone as you may think.  And there is safety in numbers (like here!).
I am so sorry you are feeling bad right now.  Go ahead and feel bad, if you try to skip this part, you might have to revisit it soon....so go ahead and cry on my "shoulder" if you need to.  We can all take it here.  REally.
A good counselor or therapist will be able to help you through this and get you moving toward healing your broken heart and mind.  
These abusers can really mess with our minds, I know.  But moving beyond it is possible, it really is.  You have already made a step in the direction of healing.  You left the relationship....you have announced out loud how bad this feels.  Step one and two...possibly many more already.  Good for you!  Keep stepping, walking through it.  We will help.

I wish I could take this pain from you, but it is ok that you have it, this is the stuff great love for ourselves comes from.....this kind of struggle ONE DAY, will be the making of you (although I understand your wanting to choke me right now for saying that!)
Go ahead and cry.  Post here.  People (although no one knows what we look like) are all pretty cool, and certainly all know your particular type of struggle.
Bless you.  Sending you light......see it?
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Brigid

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where do i begin
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2005, 10:09:04 PM »
Ulimbo,
Welcome to this safe place.  Mum's right, we all have similar stories to tell and we are all in various places of recovery.  I am not totally through it, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and do know the feel of joy and hope in my heart again (not all the time, but more often than not).

You, too will get through it and be stronger and wiser because of it.  I strongly echo the therapy mantra and would not be where I am if not for my wonderful therapist.  I did need meds for about the first six months, but have been off of those for a year.  If you can manage it, find a therapist that makes you feel safe and comfortable.  You need a place to release all the pain you have suffered.  We will be here to listen whenever you need to come.  You have been brave and strong to take the first step by leaving, but you will need to be braver and stronger to not get sucked back in.

God bless you in your journey to a new and better life.

Brigid
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phillip

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where do i begin
« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2005, 12:12:47 AM »
Ulimbo-The first step is always the hardest.  It took courage.  Be very, very proud of that.  Catch your breath.  Find a therapist that fits you, that works for you.  Someone is always here to catch you, if you need support.
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ALL THAT IS NOT GIVEN IS LOST

                                               HASAN PAL

Anonymous

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where do i begin
« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2005, 07:26:59 AM »
Welcome, Ulimbo.

I'm glad that you were able to seek support and post here.  

I agree with Mum that getting into therapy would be a good idea and maybe a good first step to begin your healing process.

The abuse is behind you now.  It's time for a new beginning.

Sending you prayers and good thoughts.

Mia
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delphine

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where do i begin
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2005, 09:20:24 AM »
Hi Ulimbo,

Are you eating/sleeping well? Are you able to work/ take care of your childern? Do you feel safe? Please make sure that you are physically protected at this time. ALL breakups are hard and leaving an abuser makes it worse. The guilt and shame of being mistreated are sooo damaging. Please know that you did not deserve this and will not have to endure it ever again if you will take steps to heal.

Personally I found support groups to be vital in my healing; nothing like a real trail guide, and a few others to walk with. I don't think that anyone really understands the experience of sexual abuse within a marriage unless they've been there (I have). Therefore, it might be worth your while to visit a few sexual abuse and 12 step groups to get recommendations for a therapist. If a therapist is helping others similar to you, and perhaps has a few groups she runs, she is in a much better position to work with you effectively. And the group experience is really helpful. You will get a list of members you can call night or day so that you won't be alone.

Here are some links to national groups that may hold meetings in your area. Any women's resource center can direct you to appropriate groups as well.

http://www.cosa-recovery.org/

http://www.sanon.org/

http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/4635.asp

Whatever you choose, welcome to this board. Peace, comfort and kleenex,

Delphine
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longtire

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where do i begin
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2005, 01:27:01 PM »
Hi ulimbo, welcome to this place.  You can share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.  I'm sorry to hear that you blame yourself sometimes.  I think that everyone on this board has felt that about themselves.  You did not deserve to be treated that way.  I hope that you are able to do wahtever you need to take care of yourself right now.  Peace and Love.
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longtire

- The only thing that was ever really wrong with me was that I used to think there was something wrong with *me*.  :)

Anonymous

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where do i begin
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2005, 03:24:07 PM »
Hello ulimbo and welcome:

I'm sorry you had to endure such awful experiences.   How horrible for you!  I'm so glad you are getting out of this awful relationship!  Keep going and don't look back!!

I won't say I know how you feel because I'm not standing in your shoes.  But I do know that something that helped me deal with similar feeling, in the past, was hearing this:

"Guilt is finding out what you did wrong and feeling bad about it.
 Shame is other people finding out what you did wrong and making you feel bad about it".

I don't know how accurate that is but it made sence to me.

What have you done soooooo wrong that you deserve to be abused????

Answer:  nothing because......

there is nothing you can do wrong enough that will ever justify that abuse of you.

So what will other people find out about you that you did wrong and then try to make you feel bad and deserving of this abuse?

Answer:  nothing because......

there is nothing you could have done wrong enough that will ever justify that abuse of you.

Keep walking away, Ulimbo.  Open the door an skoot.  Leave your abuser.  You can do it!!  This is not your fault and you have not done anything to deserve it.

My prayers are for your freedom and emotional health!!!

GFN
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October

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Re: where do i begin
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2005, 05:59:25 PM »
Quote from: ulimbo
i fell likei have no where to turn someone out there who has recovred please talk to me.



You are in a safe place here, ulimbo, and among friends.  I am glad you are escaping from this relationship.  Please pay attention to keeping yourself safe, in any way you need to.

Meanwhile, welcome.
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