You guys have wonderful insight

[Joey]

You guys are all good!  I can see myself in so many of you and really appreciate how you all relate your experiences so unselfishly.  I have been mulling over so many of the posts over the past few days and before I begin would like to say again thanks to all.  I don't intend to disregard any of the comments, but would like to respond to some that have touched my personal childhood memories.

Guest wrote that N parents expect us to know everything, but teach us nothing.  How true.  I can remember many instances when I would be the "cause" of an arguement, because I should have known better.    I also loved the gesture to you mother by bringing flowers to Mary on Easter - what a wonderful way to honor the mother you should have had.

October, your wrote that there were times when you felt like everyone was watching you.  Our N parents do that to us don't they.  I often feel "under glass" and want to just pull the covers over my head.  But I keep on moving ahead, even with these feelings of inferiority, because tomorrow will be better.

OR, I too worry about what my cut-off N family is saying about me.  I knew that when I cut ties, I would lose an entire family - cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.  But my emotional health is worth it.

Wildtrain, I was in tears when I read about your nightmares and how your mom threw you out to deal with them on your own.  I too suffered from nightmares at the age of 4 and have migraines and stomach problems today.  But we do tend to minimize our experiences - you said it was a little thing.  My "little thing" memories are of an angry father that would throw iced cold water or smush a grapefruit in my face if I woke up in the morning grouchier that he did.  I still believe that others had it so much worse and I have no right to complain about such "little things".

I know that we can all help one another.  It surprises me that we seem to all have been searching for a faith that was not given to us.  Many of us did not have families to show us and teach us to have faith in a higher power, but as survivors we seek it out with a passion.  That is a definite positive

[October]

I still believe that others had it so much worse and I have no right to complain about such "little things".

There are no small abuses.  There is either abuse or nurturing.  Sorry to sound so polemic, but children are harmed by small abuses every day, and taught that it is their own fault for being too sensitive, or too soft, or whatever.

I have no big dramatic stories to tell either.  Nothing that would make a best selling book or a Hollywood film.  Just small abuses, day after day.

So don't worry how small you feel those things were, Joey.  

[longtire]

Hi Joey,

Wildtrain, I was in tears when I read about your nightmares and how your mom threw you out to deal with them on your own.  I too suffered from nightmares at the age of 4 and have migraines and stomach problems today.  But we do tend to minimize our experiences - you said it was a little thing.  My "little thing" memories are of an angry father that would throw iced cold water or smush a grapefruit in my face if I woke up in the morning grouchier that he did.  I still believe that others had it so much worse and I have no right to complain about such "little things".

Most of my little things growing up were neglect, "little things of omission."  It is really hard for me to directly feel that they mattered.  How can I miss something I didn't have in the first place?  But, I know they must have been important by their impact on my life and they way I feel.  It helps me recoginize my own dismissal of these things when others minimize what I consider far worse experiences than mine.  It reminds me that minimizing is a common coping strategy and I'm not alone doing it.

I know that we can all help one another.  It surprises me that we seem to all have been searching for a faith that was not given to us.  Many of us did not have families to show us and teach us to have faith in a higher power, but as survivors we seek it out with a passion.  That is a definite positive

I have noticed this here too.  It seems like since we had such a lack in this area, we actively seek to fill that empty place.  Those in our lives in the past convinced themselves they already had it, or got it somewhere else, often at our expense, and don't realize they still don't have the real thing.  Searching for reality and truth is difficult and painful, but nothing else substitutes.