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exhusband and daughter

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desperatemom:
This is my first time and I'm a horrible speller! I recently got the courage to divorce my Nhusband. Everyone in the community (except those closest to us) think I was crazy. We have 2 child. Son 13yr, daughter 11yrold. I thought the divorce would help my daughter but she seems to have his personality and you never know at home who you are going to get. Am at a loss as to what to do. Thought I could love her enough to make up for how horrible her ndad was to her and I (very belittling and demeaning) but not to my son, who can do no wrong.(he is a very good child) :?

femfree:
Hi. I have some advice from a professional psychiatric nurse that I like to pass along. And, through your local mental health association and your family doctor, getting a sound diagnosis and entering Parent Management Training will go a long way to teaching you the skills to manage your young "N"? daughter.

Here is some advice from a pro…
“I am a psychiatric nurse and have often worked with this type of client on our admission unit. They are considered to be one of the most difficult to work with. As the discussion mentions at the base of this is poor self-esteem and an inability to accept consequences. How do we work with this type of client? Focus on the behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable. Set limits. Family members should agree on what they are and be consistent. Set up consequences and work as a group. It is strongly suggested that we do not ignore the behaviors for two reasons. Firstly, the person learns that there are not consequences for what he says or does. Secondly, this could lead to and "acting out" (act of verbal or physical aggression). These behaviors should be totally unacceptable and the family should make that clear. Set limits. Agree upon what is ok and not ok and all members should do the same thing. Example: Asking the person to leave, giving a firm "no" and ending the discussion. When the behaviors are neutral or even pleasant, point out that that time was positive. When they are not, point them out in a non-judgemental fashion and set the limit. The prognosis is poor for this type of personality disorder. Often these people are rejected and alone over time. Of course these are my thoughts and not everyone will agree with me.
Hope whatever I added gives some help."

Take Care
femfree

trish:
Hi DesparateMom...

This is my first time, too, and I'm also in the same place you are.  I've been divorced from my exN-husband for two years and my youngest daughter is 10.  She is so much like her dad and it worries me.  The divorce made it worse with her, partly because of the inevitable anger and confusion a child feels when their parents get divorced and partly because she gets more alone time with her Ndad now than she ever did when we were married.  He plays major mind games with her.   Anyway, I know how much it hurts to watch your daughter act this way, and I know how tiring it is to try and guide her past it.

I'm agreeing with what Femfree said because it seems to be working with my youngest.  Nothing else I've tried works.  Separate the actions from the person...you know, her action is damaging but she's not damaged.  Don't argue or explain in great length.  Just plain No, Enough, Stop.  Putting a whole lot of emotion in it seems to make it worse with my daughter.

Mostly, I just wanted you to know that I completely understand.  I do believe that children are amazingly resiliant (heck, look how good I turned out..wink, wink)...especially when there is a stable role model who provides boundaries with unconditional love and acceptance.

Funny thing is, being raised by an Nmother I am lously at setting consistent boundaries.  Be gentle and forgiving with yourself.  The fact that you recognize the problem, that you are worried about her well-being and future are signs that you are doing a great job.

Warm wishes,
Trish

rosencrantz:
Ii wonder if it's the other way round...our Ns are like our children and our children are just being...children!!!

Children need the consistent boundaries to fight against and they need to be aware that there are consistent consequences for the actions they take - and that's our responsibility.  If we dont' take that responsibility that's when we fail them. It's hard going and we have to steel ourselves to having a bit of hate directed at us - but that's our problem not theirs.

I have a plea not to label kids as Ns. I don't believe it's the same at all.  They are 'self'-centred because that's where we all come from. We can teach kids consideration for others (AND US!) - it's a learned skill and doesn't come automatically (so we have to respect ourselves first if we want our kids to respect us, too!!!)

I have a card on my wall of a mother telling off a small child.  Don't be so childish, she says. (Er, yes...?)

My son and I have that as a joke between us.  When I get really exasperated but realise that I may be asking too much I tell him not to be so, so, so...CHILDISH!  And he always responds 'But I AM a child'.  He enjoys the joke at my expense and it gets it out of my system!!!!!
R

Discounted Girl:
When I had my first child I remember reading that infants view "themselves as the center of the universe." I had 2 children and believe that is an accurate statement. As infants develop into toddlers they discover the world does not revolve around them -- they are supposed to. It is my opinion that N's, be they 10 or 110 still believe they are the center of the universe and will do whatever it takes to keep that belief a reality in their sicko minds. Therefore, N's may be more Nfantile that we think. Maybe they need to have a pacifier stuck in their mouth so we don't have to listen to their cruel voices ? Maybe they should be voiceless instead of us.   :idea:

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