suicide

[chutzbagirl - reply]

Dear Write,

I'm very sorry for the suffering you are enduring.     I hope you are able to receive all the love expressed for you on this board.  I am familiar with the hopelessness experienced at the hands of N's - it is very painful and exhausting.  I'm not on "the other side" yet, but I'm willing to believe there is one.  

I pray you will experience comfort and relief as this wave passes.  There are so many brave people that have faced their grief and gone on to live and love.  Let's join them.

Chutzbagirl

[write]

and dumping these relationships I needed to has brought me to some sober realisation: these were people who were trying to hurt ME...I just retaliated.

Doesn't fit entirely right yetm but maybe this is the start of non-super-human-me....

[Kaz]

Good on you, Write. Sometimes we need to get to the bottom in order to realise these truths; that we are allowed to ask to be treated with respect, and to retaliate if we aren't given it.
I still have to remind myself of that at times.
I also learnt and know that the people who were trying to hurt me did so because of their own need to do so, not because of me. I just happened to be there, whether I did everything 'right' or not.

[Anonymous]

I cannot tell you how hard I've tried and how difficult my life has been, but especially so in these last particularly powerless months.

But I've done all I can. Supported nh. Kept my family together.

But now- I feel it's come to the end. I don't want this enormous pain and responsibility any more.

I know enough about suicide to know that it is a terrible legacy for my family.

But how can I keep on like this any more?

i know you dont know me, but i feel so sorry theres so much pain.  feeling suicidal is something very very serious. my uncle did kill himself.  its hard to understand how dangerous and seductive it can be, if you havent really been there.  make an alternate plan. call those hotlines. open that phone book and call every hotline one by one if you have to. call a friend, anyone. above all, develop alternate plans. the hotline should help you do that.

do everything possible to love yourself and remember you are worthy of love, no matter how tiny or small. it sounds really dumb but i eat chicken soup at those times.   suicide is about getting away from the pain.

there are ways to learn to be safe with the pain. then it wont seem that death is the only posible escape.

just sending you love cause i know its a dark dark place and you just need some lovin thoughts sometimes.
d's mom

[OR]

WRITE

CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT THINGS, AND THE THING YOU ARE LOOKING AT WILL CHANGE.

Please don't get trapped in the darkness.
The darkest before the dawn. When ever you feel you are at the darkest the brightest light is about to emerge.  Don't miss it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling done not wanting to move forward. Feelings change they are always fleeting. Feelings should not be used to make such an important decision in your beautiful life. Keep strong.

Keep looking for the light make your way through the darkness to see that this Board wants you here and believes you are a wonderful human.

OR

[write]

I got through the night, I'll speak to someone later

[vunil]

I got through the night, I'll speak to someone later

Today, ok??  We are all really worried about you, sending you all of our affection.

Even a regular doctor might make sense for you now, if you are willing, to see if you could take something short-term (it's not a commitment!) to pull your brain out of this fog.  I know how it feels to feel as if you are slogging through, as if your brain just can't stop being sad.  But it can stop!  Sometimes it needs a little short-term help.  Please tell whomever you go to the truth about how you felt last night, because that will help them realize what is happening with you and treat you more effectively.


I am so sorry about what you are going through.  It does seem like a lot.  Please keep posting, and please do get yourself to a doctor or therapist today.

[Brigid]

Write,
Hang in there sweet girl.  Don't let the bastards win.  The world would be a sadder place without you.  

I am praying for you and have faith that you will start seeing the light of love from everyone here.

Brigid

[promqueencasualty]

....Encourage me please.

Consider yourself "encouraged." Please don't give up--you have already taken a huge step in a positive direction by acknowledging that you deserve better, and that you don't intend to continue allowing Npeople to inflict their harm on you any more.

I can't speak for the other posters on this site(and I am not nearly as learned or eloquent, either), but I have been where you are(emotionally speaking). I had reached the point that I just wanted to fall asleep and never wake-up again. I'm relatively new to this site, so I don't know specifically what your personal situation is, but please think about the people in your life who do love and care about you(you can find many of those people right here). I would bet that for every one rotten N in your life, there are probably ten wonderful people who would suffer a devastating loss were you to exit their lives.

When I reached the point where I felt like I could not go on, I thought about the loving people in my life who would suffer pain were I to put an end to my existence here. It was enough to keep me from actually doing anything drastic. Then, I reached out----to close friends, near and far, to people in my church---and I started seeing a wonderful therapist. For me, that was enough to see me through a very rough time in my life and start the healing journey.

I am so glad that I decided to stick around, because had I not, I would have missed-out on so many joyous moments and wonderful people who had yet to come into my life. Please, don't deprive yourself of the good stuff to come. People here know how draining(mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually) it is to weather the storms of Nabuse----but on this site I see people of such character, who have not only a heart's desire to better understand humanity, but also a tremendous capacity for caring and empathy. Could this be a result of what each of us has had to endure in our own lives? I think so(and not without personal expense). Does "going through it" suck? Absolutely. But learn from it too, use these experiences to chart a new "blueprint" for yourself and your life. You've already started the journey by deciding that you do not deserve to suffer at the hands of Ncists, and by terminating some of the Nrelationships that have existed in your life up to this point(enduring Ncism from early childhood on gave me a heightened appreciation for the "Golden Rule"---it is my credo-- but now, I seek-out people who will reciprocate, and I send the Ncists packing!).

Please forgive the cliches on my part---I'm no philosopher---but give it time, don't react hastily. Nature abhors a vacuum, so you can't keep cycling downward indefinitely--eventually you will have to go up, and it will happen sooner than you might think. Because I withstood the really dark moments in my life, I have a much greater appreciation for the love and beauty that surrounds me now. And you will too, if you just hang in there. I'm thinking of you. Keep posting.

PQC

[promqueencasualty]

Write, your post this morning is a welcome sight. Please keep reaching-out here, but get to someone in person who can help you TODAY. It might be just enough to help you "turn the corner." Please don't give up. I'm sending prayers your way.

[Learning]

Hi Write,

I am so glad that you reached out here for support last night.  There are so many wonderful, loving people here...including you.  I hope you are feeling better today.

I think your letter is spot on.  Your unwillingness to put up with jerks is soooooooooooooo healthy.  I know that is is difficult because it can feel like such a loss in the beginning.  Time, loving support and understanding your own self better will help you heal.  

Write, I also struggle with this need to feel super human.  It is so exhausting and I know I've come a long way.  Even as I write this I am wishing I could make it all better for you, take away your pain, but my rational side tells me that I cannot.  I just want you to know that you are not alone with this and I hope you can find a therapist that you can really lean on.  If not, please keep leaning here.  I would also welcome a PM from you if you would like.

Take good care of yourself and hold on, please.
Learning

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi Write,

My thoughts are with you--and I'm glad you're going to talk to someone today.

Best wishes,

Richard

[bunny]

Hi write,

I'm glad you made it through the night. Keep posting and talking to others. Not all relationships are abusive. Please believe it.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Good for you Write!!!

You made it through the night.
You've listened to reason and decided to speak with someone.
You continue to reach out here for support.

These are amazing accomplishments for someone who is feeling so down.
((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))

I do want to encourage you to continue in this direction and not let yourself sink any lower into the abyss.

And also, I want to discourage you from suicide.  I'm so glad you are in a reality based state......enough to entitle your thread with that dreaded word.......suicide.

It's a word people seem uncomfortable with, especially since, as far as I can see, they don't talk about it a whole lot (probably for that discomfort reason???).

I know that deep darkness too, Write (like many here).  I was all ready to end it all.  I had it all planned so that it would cause the least harm to anyone else (so I thought).  I was laying on my bed, having one last good cry before I would go and do the plan ...when the phone rang.

It was a close friend of mine.  She started right in, after asking if I had a few minutes to talk.

"My cousin just committed suicide!!!"  she said, "I'm livid!!!   Suicide is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo selfish!!!!  I want to kill him myself except he's already gone!!!!!  The sob went and left the rest of us to face all the sh#$%^t  in this world!!!  Who does he think he is???  What about his kids????  Now they have to face all the sh#$%^t in this world without him!!!  I want to scream!!!  I want to wring his dead kneck!!!!  I want to bring him back and give him a big lecture and slap some sence into his selfish head!!!  He didn't think about the rest of us, who are left here without him, who are now in pain and who love him and who are suffering because of his selfish, selfish, act!!!  He thought he was the only one in this world who had a lot to bear???  Now he's given the rest of us more than we had to bear, ontop of what we already had!!! "  On and on she went.

This totally snapped me out of my own self-pity and guilt tripped me immediately into thinking about other people and their possible feelings......if I were to kill myself (it was a useful guilt trip, I think).  It made me think about this close friend, who felt so comfortable letting it all out to me, on the phone, because she knew I would listen and because she was hurting.  It made me realize that my act would cause more hurt than I had anticipated.  I realized that if I finished this pain, I would start new pain...for others.  I thought:  "I'm not thaaaaat selfish".

Please, let me discourage you from such a plan, Write!
Stay and try and don't give up hope that there will be better days.
This pain won't last forever and the reality is......if you commit suicide....you will cause great pain and grief and possibly hardship for other people.

I don't know much about your situation either but I do know that you posted information here to offer help for other people and that tells me that you are a good, caring person who DOES think of others.

Make those phone calls and get your butt out there to speak to someone who will help you make a new, much better, more helpful plan.

Please call and please post and let us know that you did find someone to speak with and please post 5000 times today and tomorrow and any day you need to.

Please keep reaching out!  All is not lost.  Life can be better.  Please keep trying!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Dearest Write:

It is easy enough for me to say "stay strong" and I realize the energy that is involved in "being strong".  However, what has helped me is my Faith in God.  It is especially valuable when you look at John Paul's suffering toward the end of his life and his inability to speak, his frailty, his age, yet he still had something to tell us as we near the end of our life.

He also showed us how to live life dispite our sufferings.  I would ask that you also identify with Christ and his suffering on the Cross.  Many at this board have been through many trials, we have at some time or other thought, "It would be much better and easier to just .....go".  Yet even though I do not know you, I assure you that I would miss you.

I would miss  you because you have inate qualities that God has bestowed upon you that you have yet to discover.  These are valuable inasmuch these qualities might be important and be of help and support to someone else and more importantly to me.  

The enviornment, the circumstances, the pain you now are enduring are only a passing moment in your life.  In five years you will be a different person, in a different place, doing different things in life.  You must give yourself this chance to change into something that God has meant for your life.  I assure you it is important and the suffering you now endure is only part of the race in your journey.

I do not aspire to suffer I assure you, but it is part of our humanity.  God has shown us a way on how to endure despite it.  I hope this has not come across as "preachy" but as an encouragement that all things are possible inspite of what you now endure.  There are people who love you who do not even know you.  Please reach out and grasp this and you will find your way with God's help.  Please keep posting here because this is a place of sanctuary and understanding.

Much love, Patz