There are a lot of things that are implied, but what does it really mean to be responsible for these things? Being mindful that my behavior is my choice, not someone else's? That I am culpable for my choices, words and behavior? That I make my choices willing to accepting the consequences of those decisions, words and actions? If I am responsible, what does it really look and sound like? Likewise, what does it look and sound like if I am not responsible? Maybe most importantly, what does "responsible" look like when my needs or choices conflict with someone else's?
It's interesting to me that "responsible" evolved from the Old French and, before that, the Latin that is more accurately translated as "respondable"--that is, "called upon to respond or give account." I try to keep that in mind when I'm tempted to overuse the word, or the idea, of "responsibility."
For example, I can
never say, "I am responsible for my feelings." Emotions and feelings rise out of my subconscious--breaking the surface and then, just as quickly, returning to the depths from which they came. I can't say that I'll ever be able to explain, or account for, how I feel. I can only account for how I let those feelings affect other people.
In that sense, I view the idea of "responsibility" as primarily external. We are "responsible" for what we say and do, not what we think and feel. Even in the case of a parent/child relationship, is the parent "responsible" for the child's
personality? I don't think so, and my experience of this site tends to support that--so many people here have survived emotional abuse that could have turned them into monsters. Rather, we collectively mourn, and hold others accountable for,
how we were (or are) treated. Our abusers are responsible for the behavior they showed us, and by extension for their failure to understand and manage the feelings that gave rise to that behavior. But I honestly don't know if they're responsible for the feelings themselves.
I think that "N-survivors" tend to over-claim responsibility, because the N him/herself claims none, and pushes off his or her responsibilities onto those around them, creating victims. One of the challenges of being an "N-survivor," I think, is to recognize where one's responsibility ends. I've spent many years believing that I was responsible for everybody's unhappiness, and therefore everybody's happiness. It's a losing proposition.
What does responsibility look like? I think that it looks like a good faith effort to act both consciously and considerately towards self and others. It looks like refusing to be manipulated into confusing responsibility with love. I can love someone without assuming their burden of responsibility. I can respect their needs without compromising my own. And, in the hard work of day-to-day relations, I can always remember to ask myself if
this is the battle worth fighting, keeping in mind that sometimes the answer will be "Yes."
Everybody's needs conflict with everybody else's, all the time. Relationships are all about compromise, I think--giving up some of our inborn desire to dominate for the greater benefit of connection. I try to ask myself whose claim is more legitimate; I try to examine my own motives as well as my opponent's. But sometimes, it comes down to something you can't reason your way out of. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, knowing that not only will the other person be hurt, but his or her sense of injury will be completely reasonable. You can only explain yourself, do what you need to do, and recognize that the relationship will have to take the consequences. "N-survivors" are, to my mind, always afraid of losing the relationship because they don't see themselves as having value in it. The relationship is a gift, an act of charity: We wouldn't want to belong to any clubs that would have us as members. But part of the long journey out of the shadow of narcissism is to challenge those beliefs.
I imagine you're feeling a lot of conflicting emotions right now, Longtire: relief, exhilaration, guilt, exhaustion, doubt. As I said above, I don't think you're "responsible" for those emotions. But I do hope you won't let them talk you out of retreating. That would be a choice, and one I think you might regret.
Sorry for the ramble. I hope you're doing well.
Best,
daylily
