And Panic sets in....

[Guest123]

Second attempt.... I just lost my post.  I'm sitting here in panic.  I don't understand.  I work on my issues so hard, I read, I meditate, I concentrate on the truth.  And when I use my voice, the panic sets in and my heart won't learn what my head knows is true.  I worked with a friend of my and did publications for an organization for 3 years.  In the beginning it was great.  My work was liked and I felt good about the things I was producing.  Then things started happening, games were being played.  Subtle abuse. Things I should have picked up on and didn't until it was too late.  I'm convinced this friend has NPD.  I left, and the smear campaign was terrible.  I live in a small town and my reputation was and is shot.  The lies, the accusations.... I went so far as to take a lie detector test to clear myself.  Didn't matter.  I was so stupid.  I was too shocked at the time to even defend myself.  The words wouldn't come out, I felt like a nobody as those that had once been my friends now shunned me for things I didn't say or do.  Its the anger and the rage I don't know what to do with.  And I sometimes have to go into that organization and I feel like a nobody and a nothing.  And yesterday I chose to use my voice, and my head knows it was the right thing to do, and my heart is screaming that it's not safe.  We were friends.  I cared about this person, and she's not the least bit sorry.  She could care less.  In fact, she continues to gossip and lie about me.  She told me she always wins.  Wins what?  What was there to win?  And she would define me and tell me what I was doing and thinking, and I wasn't.  And when I would tell her no, that's not what I was doing or thinking she would become enraged.  What was there to win?  What was the point?  Why the lies?  Why attempt to destroy one that was your friend.  And why does the anger continue.  I mediate, I read and learn about NPD, I don't understand why its so difficult for me to just let this go.  What's wrong with me.

[P]

I doubt there's very much wrong with you. But if you don't want to be involved in a battle of sorts, can you leave and work elsewhere? Sometimes it's the best option - to simply walk away. Can you? Portia

[Guest123]

Yes and No.  It's the school that my kids attend, and I have avoided the place like the plague, but sometimes things come up with my child that I have to deal with.  Yesterday was the first time in months that I had to deal with them.  I've been there a total of twice this year, 2 times too many.  I'm frustrated with myself more than anything.  I want to feel free of the anger I feel.

[Anonymous]

I hear you Guest123:

It does hurt so badly to have someone you trusted treat you this way, without a care in the world, doesn't it?

I'm sorry that you've had to experience this.  It is shocking and it does cause a freeze-up, of sorts.  The emotional pain over rides all thinking, it seems, sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with you.  You are a feeling person, who has been treated badly (to say the least).  It's confusing.  It's traumatizing.  You thought she was your friend, right?  This was your job, your town, your life, as you knew it!  It's great losses and pain.    

The panic?  You have to tell yourself, over and over, "Don't panic".  And walk away.....as Portia said.  Get far from those who upset you.

Your heart will catch up with your head!  You are doing the right things....reading, learning, meditating etc.  Coming here for support.  It just takes time.  More time.

Eventually, life will be much better.

Can you move to another town?  Do you have a new job?  Think of it as starting a new life, an adventure?

It's not easy but it might be necessary.

(((((Guest123)))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Welcome guest123,

There's nothing wrong with you that getting away from your 'friend' won't cure.
I could have written your post nearly word for word, only it took me more than fifteen years to see what was going on.
She isn't your friend. They don't have any real friends. Just 'useful idiots' like us who they use until we're used up, and if we object to being used up, they try to destroy us.
They have to win because if they don't they're afraid their world will come to an end. They're mortified that everyone will see them for the scared, terrified, insecure envious little rabbits they really are, rather than the great and powerful Oz like facade they project to the world.
Weak and sad people have to win all the time at any cost because they're too scared and infantile to lose.
My reputation is damaged as well. I don't know what to tell you on how to get yours back.
But there is nothing wrong with you. You just had the misfortune to step on one of these human land mines.

mudpup

[Guest 123]

Hi GFN,  I can't move, but I am doing things to help myself.  I've gone back to school and created some other goals for myself.  I guess the thing that has frustrated me is that I do so well when I'm away from there, but when I have to go in there, I feel my progress sapped and I'm back to square one.  I also fear she may "punish" my children.

Mudpup - You are so right.  I was very much the useful idiot, I was a volunteer there for 3 years.  It's when I decided it was time for me to go that all this happened.  It was so weird, like she interpreted my leaving as some kind of attack.  And the reason I kick myself now is that during the time I was there, there were a few (a very few) that warned me.  They would tell me to watch out and I didn't listen.  And in looking back, I can see signs now that I didn't catch then.  I remember one time she told me I wasn't "allowed" to leave as long as she was there, and I laughed at it, I thought she was joking.  I know now that she meant every word.

[bunny]

Hi Guest,

Here's how I see it. Your 'friend' is not only NPD but BPD. You can look at www.bpdcentral.com for more info. Borderlines will not tolerate anyone leaving them. Period. The retaliation will be vicious and unrelenting. That's what she means by "winning." She will destroy you if she can. That's the bad news. The good news is, who cares about her stupid games and pathology. Eventually she will look like a nut and your normal behavior will convince others that you are, indeed, normal. Let her hang herself on her own petard. Don't defend or explain yourself but do stand up for yourself. There is a slight difference. Standing up for yourself means you won't take crap. Defending yourself gives their accusations some credence. You don't want to do that.

Are you in therapy by any chance?

bunny

[Anonymous]

She told me she always wins.  Wins what?  What was there to win?

From my experience this is what she wins:

And I sometimes have to go into that organization and I feel like a nobody and a nothing.

If you want to win this time, don't allow yourself to feel like a nobody and a nothing when you go over there.  You go in with your head high, knowing the truth.  Whether others know the truth or not, they will only have the opportunity to if you LIVE the truth.  There is NOTHING for YOU to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

The above post was me LM.

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hi Guest123

Here is a URL for an outfit called Documented Reference Check.

http://www.badreferences.com/

If you are being slandered and defamed in connection with your occupation, it may be legally actionable. You can talk to these people and perhaps to a good lawyer (one who is willing to take your case on contingency, because that proves he or she believes you have a case and believes that it can be won).

I am not advising you to take legal action... nor am I advising you not to. I just want to put some information into your hands, something that tips the balance a little more towards you, something that lets you feel as though you are not totally helpless, powerless, and defenseless in this situation.

Knowledge is power. I hope this helps, just knowing it exists.

(((((Guest123)))))

[Anonymous]

Guest 123:

I can understand how you feel.  I  was also involved with an N.  He also told me that he always "wins", that he was always "right".  What exactly what is that supposed to mean:  well it is meant to tell you the opposite.  I finally told my N that he reminded me of a little boy who threw rocks at little old ladies crossing the street.  He went totally ballistic.  N's cannot stand to be characterized other than perfect.  The same applies to the N you had this particular interaction with.  If  you are not "allowed" to leave then she in her mind had total control over you and could dictate to  you.  When you left, you essentially "attacked" all those notions of who and what she was about.  Hence, the continued gossiping, malicious back biting etc.  To devalue you, makes her feel superior.  You have stated there were a few who warned you...........I bet you a dollar to a donut hole that ALL of the school knows.  Hold  your head up high and go right on.  The best revenge is a revenge of where whatever happened has not affected you.  This is the best possible thing you can do when you go to the school.  Be as nonchalant as possible.  This will continue to infuriate the N.   I am sorry this happened to you.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Hello again Guest123:

I am doing things to help myself. I've gone back to school and created some other goals for myself.

This is great to hear!  These will help you to feel like you again and give you accomplishments to be happy about.  Good for you!

I guess the thing that has frustrated me is that I do so well when I'm away from there, but when I have to go in there, I feel my progress sapped and I'm back to square one.

The others here have said it well.  But it's hard to stand up for yourself if you feel small.  So first, maybe you can practice, in your mind...imagining yourself bigger....stronger.....feeling confident....smiling.....whatever picture you want to envision to help yourself believe.....in your ability to stand tall and be your best.

 I also fear she may "punish" my children.

I know this one too.  It's a rotten fear.  They know you fear it.  Don't let this fear rule.  Communicate with your kids and if you hear of any of this stuff going on......go in there and confront the b@#$%^*tch.  You'll live through it!!

To be honest.....in my experience dealing with these power hunger people...I have only ever had to get my guts up once, usually....and face them off good.  Next thing after that they are treating me with sugar coated bs.  "Hello Mrs. ____!!.......How are you Mrs. ______"  I can tell they are then scared sh#$%@less!

They do not like people who challenge them.  It's terrifying but for me....and maybe I'm just lucky.....but it has always worked out, if I can be calm, firm, clear, concise, fearless-looking (but I'm still scared inside), collected, assertive and very quietly, pleasantly sure...... they back off!!  Lot's of straight in the eye....make my day.....body language too!

But I must know in my heart and soul that I am absolutely certain of what I am confronting them about and what my next step will be, if they fail to pay attention.  And I better be right about what I'm saying.

If we are patient enough, these people will make detrimental mistakes that can cost them their jobs.   This can be pointed out to them, nicely.

I realize that it takes a lot of time and mental rehearsal to deal this way.  I haven't done it very often but by jove when I did....I meant it !!

It might be useless to you.  I don't know.  I know....I have a limit and so does everyone else.   N or no N.

GFN

[Guest 123]

Thanks GFN, Stormchild, Mudpup, Bunny and LM for helping me get through a terrible day.  I'm feeling calmer now and I think tomorrow will be a much better day.  I had a full fledged panic attack.  I'm frustrated with myself because I got off track.   I think I need to make up a stack of "reminder" cards for emergencies.  Maybe some like "focus on your goals, picture yourself strong, refuse to be offended by anything an N says or does. etc. etc.  And if all else fails I'll go to the Y and swim it off!!

[d's mom]

I think I need to make up a stack of "reminder" cards for emergencies. Maybe some like "focus on your goals, picture yourself strong, refuse to be offended by anything an N  says or does. etc. etc. And if all else fails I'll go to the Y and swim it off!!

guest123, this works for me. i have an extensive 'default' list. when things get beyond me, even when im actively suicidal, i confront the List.

eat. sleep. bath. walk. yoga. stretch. weights. call friend. call hotline(s). journal.  throw things at wall. breathe deeply. mediate. do fingernails. household chores. (come here, now ANYTHING that i can 'default' to as a positive activity when my brain is losing it on me.

when im actually in crisis is a bad time to be thinking up positive things to do so i get the list together before hand, and then i can simply refer to it with my last remaining brain cell as im slipping down the toilet.

i dont know if this is the same for others but i find that blind discipline gets me thru rough times sometimes better than anything else. i cant think too well when im in crisis so it helps me to plan it out beforehand and just default to the List. i like the idea of cards that say positive things too. like a bowl full of little cards that say nice things about yourself, positive accomplishements your proud of, or visualisations. they sell them here and call them 'angel cards'.

anyway doing that helps me. :}
anna

[vunil as guest]

Hi, guest--

I have been victims of these types, too.  One job I had was utterly ruined because of them and I stayed bruised and confused about myself for a year or so afterwards.  It was awful.

My profession is littered with people with major personality disorders, especially NPD.  To keep from being run over by their steamrollers I've developed some skills/rules of the road to help.  I still get waylayed sometimes (and did recently) but I get what I want more often (and in fact won a recent long-term skirmish with these people, thanks to the help of this board).  In fact, I win most work battles these days, because these guys are so predictable.

So, take or leave at your leisure, but here are the tips:

1.  Act so friggin' happy around this person that it's like you are on acid.  To help with this, talk to everyone around you when she's around (everyone nice) including children, the friendly custodian, the gerbil in the cage, whoever.  Smile so much that your mouth hurts.  Laugh out loud.  For some reason, nothing unnerves NPD and especially borderlines like someone else's happiness.  They want to be around someone who gets upset by them and is rattled by them.  I have found that laughter is to these people like garlic to warewolves-- it's amazing.
2.  Spend as much energy as possible with people who a. are nice to you, and b. agree with you on things, especially (if possible) about her.  You feel as if everyone agrees with her.  No way.  Not possible.  There are lots of folks who think she is a nut.  Find them.  Or at least focus your energy on other people besides her and her circle.  Do this at the school when you go there.  Drop in on a friend before visiting bitch-lady (my name for her).  Let bitch-lady see you talking happily to her colleague.  If you don't have friends there, cultivate them-- one of your children's teachers must be nice and compatible with you, or (better!) the principal.  That would be priceless.
3.  When she confronts you or tries to get you rattled, look her straight in the eye and say something plain and declarative like "I do not agree" or "I will not be doing that" or "Please don't raise your voice at me;  I don't like it."  Or, "I will assume you will never take these feelings out on the children."  Then smile.  But hold her gaze a second or two more than is comfortable.  Usually one of those does the trick.  If you are too nervous to speak, just do the gaze thing.  Think thoughts to yourself like:  "I am on to you" and "you think you rattle me, bitch?"  This will give your eyes the proper fury  But do it with a pleasant face, kind of like "how amusing that you think I will stand for this!"
4.  If you have the stomach for it, scheme a little bit against her.  This is more advanced stuff .  And only do it to get something you want, not to hurt her (the point is you don't care about her.  She's mean.)  But if she knows that people in charge of her or that she cares about are not amused by her treatment of you, or that they support you, then she will cut it out.  This might be something for later, after you have made best friends with the principal... Oddly enough, when she is tamed, she will probably be nice to you again and you can enjoy her (in very very small doses).


Sorry you have to deal with this!  But one thing I have realized is that it is endemic to your culture, or maybe to life.  You can't move away and go somewhere where it isn't there.  These people are everywhere.  And you are so much smarter and more well-adjusted than she is-- you can get to a place where she isn't as much of a threat.

take of leave this at will, of course.  It's just stuff I learned.  I may write a book....