But... it would have been SO easy....

[FlowerGirl]

Hi All,

A wonderful thing happened to me today. I made the mistake of mentioning it to nMom on the phone. She, of course, belittled it. "What will that *really* do for you?" Great. Thanks ma.

Anyways, this and a rather insecure character at work have left me wondering ... WHY?  

Why would you make a demeaning comment when "Wow! that's Great!" would do? Or "You sound excited!"  or "I'm so glad this has made your day!"..

I mean, really, lets face it, I could be talking about dying my hair pink. Or about getting a promotion. Or about getting assigned to chimeny sweet assignment. Or any number of things that just wouldn't be appealing to any of you - but wouldn't you just say "GREAT! I'm so glad your new hairdo makes you happy!" ???

Its SO easy to say absolutely nothing and not deflate the other person. Even "eh". or "I need to go to the loo". or anything. WHY do people go out of their way to deflate others? Its so much extra work!

thanks. I needed to get that out....

--FG

[Stormchild]

Because, FG, these poor souls operate from a 'scarcity model'.

They have no idea that love is infinite and increases when it is shared...

They think that if anyone else gets anything good, THEY have lost something.

So they always will poo on your birthday cake.

The bright side is that you can learn how to make sure THEY get the slice with the poo on it.  

[Anonymous]

Flowergirl,

WHY do people go out of their way to deflate others? Its so much extra work!

Its not extra work to them.
Its reason they get up in the morning. They're more than happy to oblige.

mudpup

[daylily]

I can't tell you how many times I've put down the phone and thought, "Mom, can't you just say the polite meaningless thing?"  I think I know how you feel.

I'd like to say I got over it, but part of me never will.  The thing I think you can get over, though, is placing any faith in that reflection of yourself as true.  Just remember that everything she says is colored by her limitations.  She can only look at you through the lens of herself--so that means that she can't really see you at all.

It's sad, and frustrating, and sometimes funny all at the same time.  But I think one of the better things you can do with it is put it here, say "AARGH!", and then go on.

I hope tomorrow is better for you.

[Anonymous]

Hi FlowerGirl:

My humble opinion:  Jealousy.

If I feel in a particularly confrontive mood I often say:

"Jealousy will get you no where." or

"It seems you're too into yourself to be happy for me.  What a shame."

If I think that's a waste of time/won't help the situaion/will only make it worse,

I just think those (above) statements and respond:

"Yes, I'm so happy I could burst!  See ya." and make a quick exit.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Flowergirl:

Even before I got to GFN's post, I thought to myself this sounds like the good old garden variety of jealousy.  You would be surprised at people's reaction to the good things that happen in your life.  It is as if deflating your happiness gives them energy , making them feel better.   If not deflating your happiness, they will want to play "oneupsmanship" or can I top you.  

I caught a show yesterday on Oprah and they had a psychologist that had a lot to say about shame and fear.  N's fear your happiness, they fear your peace of mind.  Maybe it makes them feel inferior or less than and they go through all the contortions to make sure their "front" is in tact and YOU realize that whatever you have going on, theirs is much better.   As Carley Simon's song says "Your So Vain" you probably think
(insert whatever) is about you.  

If you relate your happiness, then it is not about the N's happiness.  Patz

[Anonymous]

Yes.. i think you're right about the jealousy... but it is all so silly! I mean, I am human. I get jealous. someone has something I would love to have - so I think "wouldn't it be nice?" We are only human.

But, I try really hard to be happy for them. or even say "I am jealous".. since that at least means "I value what you have..." ... denigrating it is horrible!

The thing that blows my mind is that it is often not something worth being jealous about. Like things they never wanted - or never even attempted. Like someone saying "I got a pet rat!" would you be jealous? you dont WANT a pet rat.... why not just say "what are you gonna call her?"

its just so easy to be neutral... but i guess mudpup is right. it isn't easier for THEM.

--FG

[Stormchild]

hey, I had a pet rat, and he was a real sweetie pie.

but that's OK. I know what you meant (((((FG))))).

they're dogs in the manger. they can't eat the hay, but they don't want anyone else to have anything good.

[vunil as guest]

My mom and sister do this exact same thing.  Sometimes they have to turn over backwards and do a cartwheel to find something to be insulting about, but they manage it.

Does your mom spend time insulting other people as part of her conversational style?  Mine does.  It gives me the impression that she thinks of it all as a zero-sum game-- if someone else is less then she is more.  It's all about self-esteem.  So it isn't surprising she does it with me. Basically family conversations on the phone go like this:

Mom:  Person I am talking to!  Isn't [person who is not the one she is talking to] terrible!  She did [not particularly terrible thing]!
Person she is talking to:  That seems ok.  Probably she just forgot or something.
Mom: No!  She did it because [insert improbable but horrible reason here]!  you know how she is, she is [insert wildly general insults].  She always [something no one always does] and never [insert something you have seen her do tons of times].


I know she does this about me to them.  And to me with me.  It makes N's feel nifty about themselves to insult others.  But only for a nanosecond.  That's why they have to keep doing it over and over again.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, FG!  It is a major pain.

[vunil as guest]

Oh, PS!

I am so happy something wonderful happened to you today!  May many more little gifts come your way.  You deserve it.  At least the universe realizes how special you are and is rewarding you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Vunil!  nMom hasn't brought up this "good thing" again this weekend, which I think is horrible.

You're right. I have that same conversation over and over. i also get alot of "I wouldn't have done that.." yeah, right.


There's alot of other direct stuff... like questioning people about their decisions outright. "don't you think that will delay your career?"  "are your kids really benefitting from that?" ...  Its really negative, but seems quite 'infomation-oriented' so it pretends to be conversational. When, in fact, it is rude.

Argh. I hate it all so much. It makes me feel icky to play the game, just to keep the peace. "when are you coming to visit?", she asked....

--FG

[Stormchild]

"when are you coming to visit?", she asked....

"How about never, ma? Is never good for you?"

Snark snark. Would be nice to be able to say that, wouldn't it!

[Anonymous]

you know, Stormchild, you're right!  

Sidenote: ever noted how often the Ns say the words "I need"?  Not, I want. Or I would like. Or Could you. I NEED you to call. I NEED something. No you don't. you would like something. It would help. It isn't a need. no one is dying.

-fg, who is in random rant mode.

[vunil as guest]

vunil-- we are on a wavelength!  I just saw your post right after I posted essentially the same thing...  It is in stormchild's column on letting people go/withdrawing.  Funny!

[vunil as guest]

Um, I meant FG we are on a wavelength.  How N was that typo?