Mother in my head

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Portia,

Thanks so much for posting your thread.  The whole N Mother issue has been huge for me too.  

After reading your last post this thought came to mind...Continuing relationship with a N Mom, even if the degree of explicit abuse is minimal, is still difficult because we never stop wanting a Mom.   I thought the healthier I became the less her behavior would hurt me - it would just roll off me like water off a duck.  Wrong - the more healing I received the more her behavior hurt me because I was beginning to be in touch with my heart and emotions.  So, the effect of recovery was totally different from what I expected.

My M wasn't always mean, but even when my M would give me a gift or act nice, it didn't feel 'nice'.  There was almost always a slice of pain I would feel.  Of course, until recently I thought it was me.  Somehow she had the 'magical' ability to make me out to be the bad guy.  I don't know how she does/did that.  It's rather baffling.  

I trust that as we move along this path of healing the steps we need to take are revealed to us.  Some people look at me and become afraid that they will have to completely detach as well.  I try to assure them that their situation is different and the outcome of their healing may be very different than mine.  

I hope that as you sift through your memories and experiences and assess your current reactions to her behavior the actions you need to take will become clear.  There are degrees of personality disorders. I know a woman who has a schizophenic M.  Her M desired to maintain sanity for the sake of her children so much that she battled her illness with all her might.  She was a difficult M, no doubt, but her M was able to 'see' her children; they were not just a reflection of her.

Take care.  

Chutzbagirl

[Brigid]

Chutzba & Portia,

So, I think the bottom line is we need to assess the N's impact on our own sanity. After all, we are responsible for our sanity. If I continued to be in contact with my N relatives I would be victimizing myself because under the circumstances I am unable to remain sane.

This was the line of defense I had to take with my N father.  For most of my life, I bit my tongue and just dealt with his constant barrage of criticism, complaints, pissing and moaning about everything.  I finally could not allow my children to be subjected to it anymore and I pulled the plug on the relationship.  

He never did anything to try to make amends and my mother continued to live in the world of denial that there was anything wrong with his behavior.  For so long I blamed myself for not being able to get along with him and the extended family couldn't understand my separation from him and made me out to be the bad guy.  Of course, none of them had had anything but cursory contact with him for over 50 years, but children cutting off contact with their parents just wasn't allowed.

Portia, you will need to handle your situation the way that works best for you.  I'm sure you see your mother as a pitiful creature who needs your attention in whatever form that may take.  You seem to be coming to terms with the fact that she can't return that attention or caring, however much you might wish that were different.  I will keep you in my prayers that you can find the strength to take of both her and yourself.

Hugs,

Brigid

[Portia]

Checking back after some scrummy pasta and rather tasty Australian shiraz mmm!

I want to reassure anyone reading that hey, I’m not about to act on my thoughts. I’m going to carry on processing this little lot for some time. This has been something of a huge breakthrough and needs careful consideration.

I am in a minority here. Most of what I read here is about cruel, intentional abuse. The perpetrators are adults who know what they’re doing, they can reason, if in their own warped way. I’ve been fighting this confusion about my mother all the time I’ve been here, although I’ve raged about her. I knew something wasn’t right and I always knew it. It really has been like raging about a child: something didn’t make sense. Of course it’s mixed up with who’s the ‘real’ perp anyway, and my step-father had a lot to answer for. But in a cruel way he shielded me from her – pick your own word…. ‘unreality’ does it for me for now. When he died in 2000, that’s when I started to ‘see’ her.

Thank you Mudpup again, Chutzbagirl, Brigid thanks for your prayers too. I’m keeping my sanity in check, promise

[Anonymous]

Hi all:

Portia, about the HGH (which I thought was some brit term----dee dum dee doo doo dum dum   ):   It is definately be a nibble increaser because it influences the metabolism of proteins, carbohydrates, and lipids.  It's having a physical effect.   Maybe her overeating is a sign of inner turmoil too?  If this is a first....then it's probably the hormone.

We all have selective memories don’t we?

We do but we don't usually forget entire major life events completely, such as the toddlerhood of our only child or children.  Maybe we forget at what age who did what, who painted the piano bench with margerine, or who peed down the heat register (can't remember which kid did what...wait a minute...yes I can), but we can still see those sweet faces and chubby legs tearing across grass in yellow sun dresses, or denim shorts and Mr. T- t-shirts, and feel our heart strings play.   That much selection is not usual/normal/sane....to forget an entire developmental stage of our child.  It's weird and abnormal, imo.

She doesn’t remember me – and she says that hurts her, she feels bereft! I’m sure she does feel that and that’s sad.

For a 2 1/2 year old, that's pretty adult eh? (feeling deprived of such normal/natural/usually pleasant memory--I mean).  Maybe it's not so sad because at least she misses it (the memory of that period).  She wants to remember but those segments/bytes are blocked/dead space/gone?  Or, she reads you like a book and says this because she knows it will have an effect on you?  I don't know her so I am guessing.

I zoned out instead. There’s always an alternative if the brain can locate it. If the brain can’t locate it, the body will die.

I'm glad you zoned back in again.  The brain is amazing isn't it?  Such power over everything else in the machine.  And even as it is.....just another muscle......with electrical charges and chemical reactions and stuff.....there is not much known about how it really works.  There is theory and conjecture but not much fact.

I love the old horror movies we used to watch as kids......eg. Dr. Frankenstein and his jars with brains floating in formaldehyde, on the shelves of his laboratory.  None of them quite what he wanted for his masterpiece!  And all of them dead.  He had to send Igor to get a fresh one...."Get a good fresh one", he told Igor, (as if Igor could tell one from another?).

Who knows if it's selective memory or true memory loss, in your mother's case.  Dr. Frankenstein probably would have loved to get her brain to examine and disect.   But because of the memory loss...had he known of it, he probably would have still sent Igor out to hunt for "another  good fresh one".

It’s better to think you’re dumber than you are I find.    

Yes.  Or in my case.....prove it.    

I like stone walls too.

I think Bunny has given you a good stone to put in your wall.  That is the thought that your mother is just a child, in an adult's body.  If you can think this thought first....before all else....it will help you to go in a different direction of thought and feeling.  I don't mean to suggest denying feelings, or not trying to understand.....when I say to build a wall.  I mean rather find ways to direct your thinking that are stronger and better for you, to keep you safe from unnecessary pain.   If she says something and you think:  "She's just a child", your feeling after that might be more sympathetic toward her and cause less personal injury to you.  If you think:  "Ouch that hurts", you're going to feel sad, maybe angry immediately and possibly think things like:  "Why?  What do I do to make her want to hurt me?", or "Why can't she just be kind to me for a change?".

I'm not saying become a cold stone wall.  I'm saying become a warrior with a weapon, used only to protect the palace.  And that palace is you, Portia.

I think it would be wrong to stop communication because it’s not meaningless to her. You’re right it is abuse but I’m the adult now. I can choose whether to take the abuse or not. And let’s face it her abuse is neglect, it’s not raging and being actively nasty. Her abuse is all by default. Step-dad did the dirty stuff. Does this sound like denial?

It sounds like you've made a decision...one you can live with.  It sounds like you are not denying that neglect is abuse.  Or that he abused you.  The only thing you are denying is that her needs are more important than yours.  Whatever obligations you are feeling.....are not to yourself, they're to her.  The communications mean something to her and you don't want to take that away from her, even if it means those communications hurt you.

That's ok.  As long as you're aware of it and can find ways to protect yourself, until things change (she is admitted or passes).  Maybe it's not denial, come to think of it, anyway?  If you do what you feel obligated to do now, you will not feel guilty for not doing it, later, when you look back.  So really, it's another way of taking care of you.  Am I confusing or what??  

Thanks GFN, sometimes you really hit the spot and you did this time.

You're very welcome, P.  I'm not sure which spots hit what but as long as I didn't put you to sleep or scare you to death, I'm glad.

Mudpup wrote:

GFN,

You are so wise and we have so much in common. Well, not the wise part but other stuff.

I disagree.  I'm wiser than I was yesterday, but not as wise as I might be tomorrow.  Same with you Muddybrother.  Thanks for saying that nice thing.  You're a wise guy too.

I feel like I might have grown up with you two.
Sorry for the loss of your brother.  

Thanks Mud.  I so appreciate how warm and kind of you that is to say.  We do have a lot of stuff in common, which makes the world small, doesn't it?   You are definately my brother and we are growing up together, now.   And it's more than cyber land....it's in prayers and white light and good vibes and pleasant visualizations (like the lovely ones Stormy was having at lunch today--see "Anything" thread---which I scanned but didn't post to yet).  If we never meet in this life, we surely will in the next.  I'm looking very forward to it!

Muddy, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother too (and your other siblings who are not standing up with you and are being influenced by him).    Believe me when I tell you that I can relate.

These losses are like a divorce, or a death, except there aren't many, in the real world, who understand.  There's no funeral with people offering comfort.  There's no support group (that I know of) with information to offer and others to share with.  These losses of loved ones due to ..what was it?.....the N system....are still great losses that leave painful, confusing, raw wounds, that need care and attention.

Thankyou for all of the comfort you offer, Mud.  And for your support and the information you have brought here.  Thankyou for sharing.

I'm priviledged to know you.

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN,

You're a wise guy too.  

Yes, I know. Its a bad habit.

And it's more than cyber land....it's in prayers and white light and good vibes and pleasant visualizations (like the lovely ones Stormy was having at lunch today--see "Anything" thread---which I scanned but didn't post to yet). If we never meet in this life, we surely will in the next. I'm looking very forward to it!

I'm looking forward to it also, and I also feel that it is more than just anonymous electron connections. It is more than that.
I also wanted to thank Stormy for that lunch she had with us. She didn't give us a chance to pick up any of the tab.
Its funny you should mention her as she is the other gal here I could have grown up with.  
 

These losses are like a divorce, or a death, except there aren't many, in the real world, who understand.

That's what I am coming to terms with especially regarding the rest of my family, not my brother. I think thats why I'm here, because I found loving people who believe the truth and understand what its like with an N.
A cyber hug is not as good as a real one but it is infinitely better than no hug at all. Actually you know a cyber hug is sometimes just as good as a real one, isn't it? Maybe better, if the real one is from some smelly guy.    

I'm priviledged to know you.

     
Likewise, my dear.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

PS Mud:  Just looked back here after posting at "Anything" thread and I swear I did not swipe your idea about picking up the tab for Stormy's lunch (which I expressed as: "My treat").   Not that you would accuse me of such a swindle.  It just came to mind that I posted your thought, now that I'm looking back here and seeing this:

I also feel that it is more than just anonymous electron connections. It is more than that.

I bet you're right!

(although some of my electrons need a boost!!   ).

Ok.....Back to you P and other's with mothers in their head.

GFN

[Anonymous]

GFN,

I swear I did not swipe your idea about picking up the tab for Stormy's lunch (which I expressed as: "My treat"). Not that you would accuse me of such a swindle. It just came to mind that I posted your thought, now that I'm looking back here and seeing this:

Quote:
I also feel that it is more than just anonymous electron connections. It is more than that.  

Of course you didn't swipe it. We just shared it somehow.  

Ok.....Back to you P and other's with mothers in their head.

Another thought we share. Good idea.

How are you P?

mudpup

[Anonymous]

More from me P and I'm still on page one, I think , or two , or something:

Two issues.  One that was mentioned before, more than once.  Maybe a good shagging I mean nagging would help .

You still have this idea in your head that somehow you have not suffered as much as other people here.

I hear you saying that your pain is just not as valid as that of others who have been abused (differently).

I hear you saying that you haven't been through as much as others, that you have no right to complain, don't deserve to be upset.

I hear you saying that you are somehow not as worthy as the rest.

You're not denying that you've been abused by neglect.  It just seems that it can't be as bad, to you, as other types of abuse.

Remember the frog in the cool water, gradually heating up, dying of scalding because he didn't realize the water was getting hot, because it was so gradual.  Neglect is exactly like that, isn't it?

Portia.  Your feelings of sadness and anger and disgust and confusion and unworthiness........are proof enough that you have been just as hurt, just as mistreated, just as abused......as many here.  Your feelings are valid P.

So what if she didn't hurt you on purpose?  It still hurts.  It still is a major loss to feel that your mother doesn't love you.  It's just as painful, maybe more....than a death.  Like dangling candy over a baby, you have a mommy but you don't feel loved.  Withholding love from a child is one of the most insidious, cruel, devistating things a person can do to a child.  It doesn't matter that that love was withheld by default.  It's good that you understand that it is sickness that caused it....but that doesn't make it hurt less.

You have just as much right to express your pain as anyone else who has pain.  You're just as valuable P.  You're just as worthy of empathy and understanding and love as any person here.  You're worthy P.  It doesn't matter that she didn't tie you up and beat you with a stick.  She beat your heart with an invisible stick, which made you feel unclear as to why you hurt so much.  You hurt because you have been abused by neglect/default.  It's just as serious.  It's just as upsetting.  It's just harder to put your finger on.

And number 2......is about employment.  I've heard you mention this before.  You need to find employment, you've said.  It makes me wonder:

Do you like whatever it is you're trained to do?  Whatever you studied?
Or is it time for a change?  Could you go back to school?  Or is there something else you'd rather do?  Something less stressful, perhaps?  Something you would enjoy that is what you want?

This seems to bother you yet you seem stuck.   Do you not feel emotionally ready to commit to employment?  Or is it something else holding you back?  Unsure of your abilities?  Afraid of all the rejection one faces in seeking employment?

These aren't questions for you to answer to me.  Just more stuff to sift through.  I just keep thinking that working might actually be the best thing for you.  It might give you something better to focus on.  It might help you feel better about your life.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm cracked!

You're doing your best at a lot of things P.  These are not criticisms.  They are said with the love of a cyber-friend attached.  Just stuff to mull over and see if anything is worth considering.

And what the heck is Australian shiraz?  Boy....have I missed a lot!!

Page three now....

I’m going to carry on processing this little lot for some time. This has been something of a huge breakthrough and needs careful consideration.

Excellent Portia!!!  Keep doing that!!  Give yourself credit deserved!!

I am in a minority here.

No you're not.  You're just somebody who's been hurt like the rest of us.
And your optimism, thoughtfulness, and kind heart will see you through.

GFN

[longtire]

Portia, I just finished reading your thread.  I can so relate to what you are saying.  My parents were emotionally absent and neglectful.  Though seemingly in a less "active" way than your mother.  (Maybe they are just better at not being there?)  It is hard to find a defining event or pivotal moment in neglect or absence to hang all of the hurt, disappointment, fear, sadness, anger, rage on.  Nothing happened.  THAT was the problem.  Something was supposed to happen and it didn't.  How do you know "when" it didn't happen if it didn't happen?

Your feelings are so relevant and valid.  In some ways it would be easier to detach if there was more obvious abuse going on.  Some people are abusive by witholding, though.  That is a hard concept to get.  I don't know if I would truly understand it if I didn't HAVE to.  Why are you upset, nothing happened?  THAT'S WHY I'M UPSET!

I continued this pattern in my life with my wife until fairly recently.  Honestly, the thing that helped me most was just getting understanding and validation from others.  In the past it was easier for me to see others' pain, than my own.  Some good people turned around and pointed out that I was in pain too, because they could see my pain more clearly than their own.

Chutzbagirl, I agree that being aware and not numbing or zoning out makes the abuse feel MORE painful, not less.  Now that I'm "awake" I can't imagine letting myself be treated that way by anyone ever again.  I still struggle with the "how" to accomplish it, but I definitely know what I'm NOT willing to put up with.

[Brigid]

Longtire,

Some people are abusive by witholding, though. That is a hard concept to get.

I would have to agree with this.  My parents never outwardly did anything that an outsider would term as "abuse", but they also weren't good parents.

That wasn't anything I could see growing up because I didn't know what good parents were suppose to do.  You live with what you have and just accept it as the norm.

It wasn't until I had my own children and start seeing how innately I reacted to, felt about , couldn't imagine being without, I felt about them.  I saw how most of my friends felt the same and how involved we all were with our children's lives.  I understand that this is a different time and parents just are, for the most part, more involved with their children than when I was growing up, but there is a big difference between not coming to a school play and never telling your child you love them.

And I also don't buy the whole excuse that my father had a poor role model and he didn't know anything else.  How was I able to be different?  It is a choice one makes and the bottom line is that some people were never meant to be parents.

Brigid

[sleepyhead]

((((((((Portia))))))))

Oh, Portia, my heart breaks a little when I read what you've written. I agree with the others here that your pain is valid, not being "actively" abused does not mean that you were in any way less abused. I think that not loving us is the worst possible abuse we can suffer from our mothers. If she had hit me, but I had been able to feel that there was love there somewhere, I don't think it would hurt as much as knowing she never loved me and she never will. My mother does make nasty comments and treats me like a slave sometimes these days, but what hurts me most is when she is being fake. When she says: "I love you", and I can see how uncomfortable she is saying it, how there is no feeling behind the words, or when she goes to hug me and is so stiff and awkward about it, it just makes me want to cry, because I know she only says and does those things because I have screamed at her so many times, and because she has finally realised that this is something you are supposed to do.

My heart goes out to you, and I wish you were here so that I could give you a real hug, cyberhugs just aren't the same. All my love, Sleepy.

[Portia]

Hello all, I feel a world better but I’m wary as ever, about myself and others. Maybe that’s healthy.

Chutzbagirl

I hope that as you sift through your memories and experiences and assess your current reactions to her behavior the actions you need to take will become clear.

I’ve started sifting again. The thing I keep focussed is ‘intention’ that great word. Did she intend to hurt me then, or was I hurt because of the way I perceived it? Why did she say/do that? (as a child talking or doing). I’m coming up with truly amazing stuff, which makes me sad, because it supports the child view.

Brigid:  

You seem to be coming to terms with the fact that she can't return that attention or caring, however much you might wish that were different.

I guess she does return it and has done! -as that kiddie. A kiddie who wants to share her toys with me, but I don’t like any of her toys. (Wow, that sparks a few neurons. Note to self: think about what she likes and how I may react by deliberately not liking what she likes…..). I’m coming to terms with her huge limitations. And mine too.

GFN

That much selection is not usual/normal/sane....to forget an entire developmental stage of our child. It's weird and abnormal, imo.
It’s not sane is it?

No. Insane: not knowing what’s reality and what’s in your head. Oh heck, she qualifies with that fantasy about Dad doesn’t she? It’s my problem that I don’t like the insane label. ‘Living in an alternative reality’ I can cope with. And it means exactly the same thing. How we kid ourselves. Mind you, I’d like someone to define ‘sane’ to me…

For a 2 1/2 year old, that's pretty adult eh? (feeling deprived of such normal/natural/usually pleasant memory--I mean).

Good point. It’s only come up lately because (I guess) she’s been exposed to a less-unreal family environment and she’s seeing what’s she’s missed (but like that toddler, “why can’t I have that?” kind of response). It’s irritating when I choose not be hurt by it.

She wants to remember but those segments/bytes are blocked/dead space/gone? Or, she reads you like a book and says this because she knows it will have an effect on you?

 I think they’re blocked. I remember her as a ‘mother’ (much later), even if she doesn’t remember me. And she was permanently ‘zoned out’. I hated that. She was unreachable. She doesn’t read me at all GFN, it’s so sad. She can’t manipulate me, she doesn’t know enough about me. She doesn’t try to find out enough about me, she doesn’t know how. She actually doesn’t know how. I mean that literally. She doesn’t know how to do ordinary stuff if it’s outside her normal MO.

Who knows if it's selective memory or true memory loss,

Is there a difference???? Funny chap the brain. Who knows….

It’s better to think you’re dumber than you are I find

Yes. Or in my case.....prove it

I think you protest too much. Yes I do.   Yes I do!

If she says something and you think: "She's just a child", your feeling after that might be more sympathetic toward her and cause less personal injury to you.

Yep. I did it today! With another email. It worked!

If you think: "Ouch that hurts", you're going to feel sad, maybe angry

Yes, so I think, what’s the intention behind her words? Was it really to hurt me? She doesn’t know that she’s 'supposed' to feel horrified that her daughter was in so much pain (I know because I’ve been in a similar place as many of us have). Similar by a small percentage, but enough to know that when you’re not present in the here and now, you don’t feel.

protect the palace. And that palace is you, Portia

 Thanks GFN. Those kind of words make me squirm  you know? I might feel that one day, that I’m okay, but not yet. I find the best way to feel good about me is to take myself out of myself into other people. To try and connect. To keep feeling the range of emotions in me and recognising them for what they are. But I don’t feel worthy but so what ( haha!) I don’t care! Worrying about it won’t help I feel. What an irony.  

The only thing you are denying is that her needs are more important than yours. Whatever obligations you are feeling.....are not to yourself, they're to her. The communications mean something to her and you don't want to take that away from her, even if it means those communications hurt you.

 But wait! I’m assuming all over the place! How do I know what things mean to her? I’m making myself feel good here, presuming that I have some influence in her life. She might not give a monkey’s proverbial. ? And I gotta say, I do allow her to hurt me, I am responsible for my responses. I’m out on a limb on that one to an extent, but as I try and practice it more, I’m finding it to be true. But re-wiring your hard-wired responses is not easy. It’s like what?..... major surgery, that you’re performing on yourself, while under anaesthetic, with one hand tied behind your back. And the other juggling a scalpel. Dramatic? It is. Second order changes to thought-patterns are dramatic. But it’s a brain! It can cope.  

That's ok. As long as you're aware of it and can find ways to protect yourself, until things change (she is admitted or passes). Maybe it's not denial, come to think of it, anyway? If you do what you feel obligated to do now, you will not feel guilty for not doing it, later, when you look back. So really, it's another way of taking care of you. Am I confusing or what??

Not confusing at all. It’s not just what I might feel obligated to do…..ta dah…it’s what I want to do. For me! I refuse to give my mother up because that would hurt me too much. I choose.

GFN, you’re great. Thanks. I’m saving your next post to next week, coz that gets real serious. Have a blooming great weekend.

[Portia]

Mud

it is more than just anonymous electron connections. It is more than that.

Do we even really understand what electricity is? It’s a wonder in itself. Odd word anonymous. Anon. Maybe if we lost our individuality, we’d all be anon. Hmmm. It is more, together we are more. true  Oh yes.  BTW, that old grouse, was it a Capercaille (tetrao urogallus)? They’re famous here for attacking cars and people in the breeding season (tho’ we don’t have many). You were lucky to escape without serious pecking. peck peck peck....nasty

Hiya Longtire   and big hugs for your new home.

It is hard to find a defining event or pivotal moment in neglect or absence to hang all of the hurt, disappointment, fear, sadness, anger, rage on.

I did have moments, but it skewed my views. In my eyes my step-father was abusive. I enmeshed with mother but also grew up ‘protecting’ her. I guess when he died my world-view took a severe beating, thank goodness. He wasn’t just the baddy and mommy the goodie, which is how I’d seen it. But yeah…mum and bio-dad were pretty much the same, not there. So step-dad is a diversion of sorts. Heck it’s complicated.

In the past it was easier for me to see others' pain, than my own. Some good people turned around and pointed out that I was in pain too, because they could see my pain more clearly than their own.

Me too. I just shrugged and said yeah, well, that’s my history, I can’t change it. But I didn’t feel any pain. I thought I was okay. I’m still amazed at how not-okay I am.

About ‘feeling’ the abuse more now. I take what you say Longtire and Chutzbagirl. I’m not going to take it, but I might see it differently. I’ll see.

Brigid

You live with what you have and just accept it as the norm.

I wailed “why can’t we be like a normal family?” because some stuff was sooooo abnormal. But that was surface stuff. I just wanted someone to be there in the mornings, I wanted the odd shopping trip, or to go somewhere together. Just to ‘fit in’ with society so I didn’t have to make excuses for their downright crazy lifestyle. Love? Forget it.  

It wasn't until I had my own children

 This is a huge wake-up it seems. I couldn’t have had children when I was younger I think because I just wasn’t adult enough. I was a mess. Also mother had indoctrinated me against having kids and I bought that idea – look what it did to her I thought.  She didn’t know that’s how I processed it I guess. Anyway I’m too old now but I’m realising what real love is and adjusting my thinking. For example my mother said: “I think about you every day.” Another mother commented on that: “that’s not right. I wouldn’t say that to my kids. It would be like saying “I think about my leg every day”. My kids are part of me, although they’re separate now, I just wouldn’t talk to them like that.” Wow!   I understand!

Sleepyhead , thank you so much for dipping in here. I don’t think I really know about love yet but I get inklings, like the one above. Caring I guess. I don’t like yours treating you like a slave, particularly not at the moment. Hope you don’t catch yourself acting like one? No I think you’re too clued up. I hope so. Did I read ‘turnip-land’ somewhere? I always think of Poland as beetroot land. Sorry it’s just an old image. Beetroot soup. Yum! I hope whatever wherever is going to be good for you and all your family – that’s your immediate family of three of course. I get “love you” in a sing-song voice down the phone. Sad. No idea what it is, it’s just a thing on greeting cards and she thinks no-one really means it do they? Best not to say anything I guess. Hold on to what you know and feel and grab your own reality to you hard, yep.

Thank you all. Hope you have good weekends!   P

[Anonymous]

Good to hear you!

I feel a world better...

So glad to hear it!  

... but I’m wary as ever, about myself and others. Maybe that’s healthy.

It's better than being blind and off guard, I think.   That would be careless and dangerous, maybe?

It’s my problem that I don’t like the insane label.

That's ok.  You don't have to assign it then.  It's whatever fits and works for you....in your mind...to help you understand/feel ok.....that matters.

I’d like someone to define ‘sane’ to me…  

1. Of sound mind; mentally healthy.

2. Having or showing sound judgment; reasonable.

By this definition, it is impossible for anyone to be completely sane, all of the time, about all things.  We all have moments of insanity, insane thoughts, sometimes, I think.  

‘Living in an alternative reality’

I'm not sure I would define some people who I believe are living in an alternative reality as insane, but they sure aren't normal.  On the other hand, according to the above definition.....they may be a little.

Normal...is even harder to define eh?

It’s irritating when I choose not be hurt by it.

The irritation will pass.  Good choice, on your part!

She doesn’t read me at all GFN, it’s so sad.

Sorry for that Portia.  She's like a child that isn't mature enough to read much at all.  Only what she wants, decides, is interested in, feels like doing/having/saying.  It's not you.  It's toddlerhood, Bunny is soooo right about that!

She doesn’t know how to do ordinary stuff if it’s outside her normal MO.

Maybe one of the hardest things to except is that she never will know?  She's just not going to grow up.            

If she says something and you think: "She's just a child", your feeling after that might be more sympathetic toward her and cause less personal injury to you.

Yep. I did it today! With another email. It worked!

Way to go!!  Thatta girl!!  It seems a very reasonable, healthy, sane way to choose to react.  It will only help you to keep trying.

Yes, so I think, what’s the intention behind her words? Was it really to hurt me?

Can a toddler really answer these questions accurately?  Do they even plan that well?  Is their judgement that sound?  You swipe my toy, I swipe it back and wack you on the arm as quick.  If I'm only 2 1/2, I probably didn't think about that at all beforehand, or consider how much I could hurt you.  I just reacted.  I didn't even think for a split second about you.  It's all about me, my toy, my anger, my wanting to get what I want.

So, as you tell her about your pain....she reacts without thinking, without planning, without considering, with very little adult-like judgement....just like a toddler.  Yep.  That's a bigger block/stone Bunny gave you than might be realized yet.  The more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  You will never know her intentions (truly) because she doesn't have the insight, the memory, the development to recall them, if they ever existed, maybe?

 

But I don’t feel worthy but so what (  haha!) I don’t care! Worrying about it won’t help I feel.

Certainly worrying is a waste of time (and if there is anyone here who never worries about anything.....please stand up ).  But maybe.... if I keep sh...nagging you about it....you'll begin to believe it's true.  You're not some useless, nothing that is worthless.  You're a good person, Portia.  You have good qualities.  You care about connecting with others and feeling and understanding and sharing.  Truly all of this resides in a palace, not a dungeon.  Nag.  Nag.  SHNag.

However, somehow you have come to believe this worthless stuff....probably because your mother was too childish to teach you otherwise.  Maybe you were just like a toy to her?  Maybe she meant you no ill intent, but really just didn't have the sound mind, wasn't mentally healthy enough, was unreasonably into herself, unable to make sound judgements about mothering.... like a toddler.  To childish to be a mother to anyone.   It wasn't you she didn't value.  It is that what she values is juvenile and less sane than adult people??

But re-wiring your hard-wired responses is not easy. It’s like what?..... major surgery, that you’re performing on yourself, while under anaesthetic, with one hand tied behind your back. And the other juggling a scalpel. Dramatic?

True.  And nothing worth achieving is easy.

But it’s a brain! It can cope.

Bingo.  Plus....it's not a juvenile mind.  It's lucky.  It's grown up and can understand, deal with, be reasonable about, show sound judgement toward/about, make healthy choices in regard to....stuff.  It's much saner than a toddler's brain is.

I refuse to give my mother up because that would hurt me too much. I choose.

So then what's left is accepting her for what she is, trying to see what's good in her and embracing that, dealing with her on her level (which sucks because it isn't fair but it's probably the only way to relate with her/connect somewhat ).   You choose to keep her in your life and I bet you will continue to feel better by gaining more and more understanding and doing your best to empathize, while deciding your reactions.  That's what makes you so much different from her.  Makes you so much more adult....sane....in a more usual/normal/common reality.

GFN, you’re great.

Portia, too kind, but thanks.  I really appreciate you saying that.  Now go shine your palace!!!

Ya......the next post is serious but don't panic.  It's only bytes on a pc screen.  More stuff to sort....as if you haven't enough.  No need to respond at all, if you don't feel like it.

Have a blooming great weekend.

You too!!  I'm planning on cleaning up my gardens and out door stuff.  It's perfectly gorgeous......warm, sunny, breezy, birdies singing, doggies dancing in the grass....lovely here.  I love the spring!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi Portia,

BTW, that old grouse, was it a Capercaille (tetrao urogallus)? They’re famous here for attacking cars and people in the breeding season (tho’ we don’t have many).

Nope, no Capercaille. Those puppies are big.
This was something called a Blue Grouse. Not as large, but obviously made of the same stuff as their big brothers across the pond.

Do we even really understand what electricity is?

Not trying to be a wise guy but, yeah pretty much we do. In our everyday life its the flow of electrons in a conducter from a negative poll to a positive one.
Now electrons themselves are pretty darn odd. I will not try to explain quantum mechanics here for the very simple reason I don't understand one friggin' speck of it. But take it from me they're weird.

Not however as weird as your mother. I hope you are on the road to understanding her better and how she effected you over the years.
If you can figure her out maybe you should become a nuclear physicist.

mudpup

PS. Glad you're feeling better. And thanks for the kind PM.