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[dogbit]

I didn't know what to call it so I thought I'd name it a pretty obvious name.  My daughter is graduating next month from university.  Her sister and I are going and have planned on this for the past month.  I told DD (Dear Daughter) to invite her father if she wanted...it was her choice and I would go along with whatever she decided.  I also told her that when she decided, she should err on the side of whatever she could live with 10 years from now hoping to take the current angst out of her decision.  We are in the midst of a contested divorce which he is dragging out by not supplying information.  It's been going on for nearly a year and a half now.  Those are the hard facts.  All my kids support my decision to divorce.  They are afraid of their Dad.  It is when I realized they were afraid of him and had been that I threw in the towel and decided better late than sorry.  And I had to go through a lot of self-flagellating over why did I let this go on so long....that's another thread, I guess.  DD has invited him because I think she feels this is the high road to follow and as she told me, he has paid her tuition.  At graduation, we will be with her boyfriend's family which is extensive...11 siblings on one side and 6 on the other and all the kids!  I don't think he will go because he is seriously socially challenged and he knows that DD knows who he is.  I'm afraid he might go just to try to show me up meaning he will put on the corporate, smooth exterior which works for the first meeting but fades quickly when a relationship needs to be sustained to any degree.  If he goes to graduation and I am there what do I do....How do I act...I don't want DD's boyfriend's family to think we are nuts.  But this guy has virtually disowned his children and has been violent toward me since I told him I wanted a divorce.  Before then, he was conveniently "over-medicated" and had little to do with the nuts and bolts of having a family...I don't want this to sound like the saddest story because the blessing I have is knowing finally what caused this all to happen and I know I played a part in it also but I never wanted to hurt another person to save who I thought myself to be.  Let me know what you think...I'm sure some of you have been in the same place!

[Portia]

Dogbit, he won’t show you up, he’ll show himself up. Having been married to him doesn’t mean that you approve of him now. Whatever he does, it’s not a reflection on you. That’s very difficult to feel I know, but if you act like it, and don’t allow his craziness to get to you, you’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay for your daughter, that’s what’s important.

Give some people enough rope…etc. What he does is not your problem. You’ll be there for, and with, your daughter. He’s just another guest. If he’s an unsociable, impolite guest, treat him as such, as though he’s nothing to you but an irritation. Like a flea.

Can you can arrange support beforehand - are any of that big family big, tough boys? You don’t have to handle this on your own, please ask for help just in case. Get other people to intervene, don’t do it yourself. Other people love to help, please ask.

One person being nuts doesn’t mean the whole family is. He is not you or your kids. Thank goodness.

You're a great mum by the way

[daylily]

I'm afraid he might go just to try to show me up meaning he will put on the corporate, smooth exterior which works for the first meeting but fades quickly when a relationship needs to be sustained to any degree.  

I think that might be your answer.  If he's there, try your best to avoid being alone with him.  (That's a safety issue as well as a behavioral issue, if I understand the situation correctly.)  Let his social hypocrisy contain his behavior.  And make, "I will not engage" your mantra for the day.  Whatever lies he may try to propogate, you can correct them later.  This is a big event for your daughter, and after all, you did tell her that you would go along with whatever she decided.

Whenever I'm caught in a potentially tense social situation, I try to attach myself to someone I find charming or funny and let him/her carry me through the event.  It's not flirting (I'm the clumsiest flirt imaginable); it's hitching my socially inept wagon to somebody else's star.  I have found that if I view myself as being "with" someone I like (or think I would like, anyway), then all sorts of horrible things can go on around me and I feel like I have an ally.

But whatever approach you decide to take, it will not be easy.  I admire you for letting your daughter make this decision; it's the more difficult, more generous course.  So don't forget to remind yourself that you are the better person here, and that he's the one whose attendance was up for debate.

hoping he decides not to go--

daylily

[mum as guest]

Bittles: oh, I know this one well... (((((((Bittles)))))))
 My children are frequently performing (musical and theatrical) and when my ex is in town (which is  a lot more lately...uggg)  he and his first leiutenant (wife) show up to all the same things I do.  He has a right, and BY GOD, everybody better know it!!!!
I stay away from him, and he avoids me.  The kids are frequently feeling awkward....so I make my exit fast if it's a "dad" day, to spare the kids....he doesn't.  What an idiot.  He has never had a clue that his "belongings" actually have feelings!!
He looks like a posturing rooster and because he insists on setting his own (awful) style (as a "F you" to the world, I suppose) he is a bit of an embarrassment to them.  Oh well.
Don't get too worried.  Your children know the deal.  Your daughter has no doubt prepped the BF's family, so you may already have allies.  Be your own kind, friendly self, and ignore the "flea' (good one) and attach yourself to a friendly member of BF's family. (another good one).

I make it a point of striding in to those situations with a smile, great posture and an assertive air.  It may be acting sometimes, but it's hard to feel bad when I imagine I am queen and he is the jester.  If he is a jerk, let him be.  If he is shmaltzy and sells everyone, let him be.  Just let him be whatever it is he is.....and IGNORE him IGNORE him IGNORE him.
I know it's hard, just detach as much as possible....and remember the best part: YOU'RE NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE!!!!

[Anonymous]

Mum,

I make it a point of striding in to those situations with a smile, great posture and an assertive air. It may be acting sometimes, but it's hard to feel bad when I imagine I am queen and he is the jester.

I bet he goes home and broods and fumes over being the jester to your queen.
I know some here don't think they can recognize reality, but deep down I think they do. They just won't ever show it. How could they be envious if they didn't know we have something they don't?

Bittles wrote,

How do I act...

Just like mum; like a queen and he's your toady.

(((((mum))))) (((((bittles)))))
Two queens of hearts who married a couple of jacks of asses.

mudpup

PS. Mum I see you're guesting today. Just a note that I PMed you.

[Anonymous]

Bittles:

The best way:

Look good, act good, smile even though your heart  is breaking, laugh even thought it hurts.  The best revenge is doing well DESPITE what is going on.  Anything else, he wins at the expense of your daughter's big day.  

I know this is going to be tough but you can do it.  IGNORE  his posturing,  INGORE his rooster antics, IGNORE his stupid wife.  Just image them both as if they were standing there in their underwear being MR. and Mrs. BIG SHOT.

Your daughter deserves nothing but the best.  This is her day and not his.  

Patz

[Stormchild Guesting]

Bittles:Just imagine them both as if they were standing there in their underwear being MR. and Mrs. BIG SHOT.

What Patz said, except try imagining them standing there in each other's underwear. Heh. With an extra pair of U-trows on their heads.

[mum]

okay, Stormy got me laughing... I CAN  picture my ex in his underwear, having been married to him and all.......and it's sad....so even funnier!!!
Then I tought of some embarrassing things he did when we were married, drug and alcohol induced, and I can't even find a flicker of anything but disgust for him.
I think I'm taking those images to court with me!!!
Hope you can use some of this Bittles.

[mum]

And Mudpup: "broods and fumes"?  What, do you KNOW this guy?  That's his daily M.O.!!!

[Stormchild Guesting]

And Mudpup: "broods and fumes"?  What, do you KNOW this guy?  That's his daily M.O.!!!

Daily M.O., huh?

OK, so now they're standing there in each other's underwear, with an xtra pair of U-trows on their heads, drinking milk of magnesia.

Ya know, with this for reference, I can kind of understand how the poor things got to be the way they are...        

[Anonymous]

mum,

What, do you KNOW this guy?

We ALL know him. Or her.

Somewhere there's an infernal factory churning the same obsolete model out year after year. The only option is different plumbing. Brooding and fuming and all the other gawdawful behavior come as standard equipment.

mudpup

[dogbit]

Thank you everyone.  I will stride, attach myself to someone likeable, and imagine him in his underwear.  Unfortunately, he does not have another SO yet....I pray he would find one but no luck.  It will be interesting to see if he even goes.  The kiddo graduating is the "golden" one, the one you can brag about.  It's not her fault.  Just the way she was born.  And from the day she was born, he and his family always picked her over the others to take somewhere and show off which, of course, caused problems with the others.  And which we still talk about today...All of us!  When she was a sophmore/junior in university, she wanted to bring her boyfriend home to visit and Mr. Entitlement told me to tell him when they were arriving so he could absent himself from the house to spare them the sight of my anger.  (This was also the same time that I knew deep down in my guts that this had to end).  He couldn't even remember his name and called him derrogatively, Skipper.  I told DD this since I was tired of thinking up excuses for Mr. Entitlement's entitling.  I  had reached the stage of finally calling the shots for what they were.    I know the prevailing wisdom is to spare the kids the bad mouthing emotion brings, but I had given up on trying to distort reality so he could appear normal.  Needless to say, she was hurt and I have yet to meet her boy friend so graduation will be a happy time when we all meet, finally.  I knew when I posted this that people would answer who had been there and done that or who had just been there in a similar sense and that's what I really need to hear.  Thank you for saying I have been a good Mom.  Being a good Mom means many things but for me, and maybe for us, it means being an authentic Mom/Dad who did not re-write history on a daily basis.  I think I am getting maudlin" here...thanks Stormy for that word!  Flood warnings are still up for my area...some roads have washed out.  The houses not in danger have been here for over 100 years so not to worry.  (This is actually a NOAA alert and such a good way to describe the present)   Bittles

[P]

Dear bittles,

I had reached the stage of finally calling the shots for what they were. I know the prevailing wisdom is to spare the kids the bad mouthing emotion brings, but I had given up on trying to distort reality so he could appear normal. Needless to say, she was hurt

Sparing kids bad emotion vs. distorting reality is a no-brainer for me. Anytime reality is distorted, kids know. Kids know better than adults when people are putting on a false front and they get confused. Example (from some book or other):

Mum and Dad are arguing. Mum is crying, Dad is shouting.
Child sees this and says “what’s happening? What’s wrong?”
Parents tell child “nothing’s wrong!”
Mum might go over to kiddie and hug them saying “it’s alright dear, everything’s fine, mum and dad were just talking” (as she sniffs back her tears).

The child knows they’re lying and that something is really wrong and they get confused. Are they arguing about me? Is it my fault? Why won’t they tell me the truth? (And finally, I must be a bad person. It must be my fault.)

This is why telling kids the truth – or at least as close to the truth as is appropriate – is important. How about:

“We don’t agree about something and I’m upset. We’ll talk about it some more when we both feel better. I’m sorry we were shouting, did it upset you?” Then get the child to voice their fear and we can reassure them that it’s not their fault etc.

Sorry a bit off track there (and a bit of me talking as a kid) but I wanted to say that staying as close to reality as you can, with your children (no matter how old they are) is the most important thing. Denying emotions is really confusing to children! You were doing the right thing bittles. You can’t apply some parenting ideas (spare the children the bad emotion) to a marriage which is not normal, okay? (((bittles))) portia

[dogbit]

Thank you, Portia....

[Anonymous]

Stormy:

LOL
Patz