Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
acapella and the other n-partners
guest:
Hi everyone,
I've been lurking on that board for 6 months. Imo, "hermione" helped countless people work their way out of emotional chaos, providing some of the sanest, most practical advice and observations on the internet.
I have a friend who manages a resource site regarding damage inflicted on survivors by online "support" groups . . .
http://groups.msn.com/ANarcissisticPersonalityDisorderPsychoGroupOrdeal/theordeal.msnw
sandahl has much in common with femfree, imho. Their motto: Overcome the narcissists in your life by becoming one yourself.
I wish you all peace and strength on your healing journeys.
bunny:
tired of the whining,
If you don't like us, what are you doing here calling people names. What is the point. You won't convince anyone of your integrity or intelligence. Just sounds like another abuser.
tiredofthewhining:
i didn't call anyone anything. i said you sounded like a bunch of whining children. do you always take offense to everything eveyrone says?
it was you who caused all of this because you couldn't take someone opposing your views. so you made this big dramatic post about leaving. then everyone attacked a good manager on a good board and she is paying the price for it.
get over it and move on. thats what most adults do.
there is a time when one must move on from victim to survivor. you were not victimized. you left because you got pissed off because someone didn't agree with you.
i'm here because i am tired of hearing sand get slammed. someone should take up for her the way you guys are carrying on.
Acappella:
Guest,
thank you for the link!
And as for the becoming self imploded to deal with the self implosion of someone else....that is an excellent topic! A sucko feeling and important to note.
I noticed I was trying to fluff my feathers as big, if not bigger than a certain roster in my life. I realized that I actually must be seeing the bully's bulling as powerful or I wouldn't have been trying to compete. Caring about him was a different topic all together. Being hurt was also a separate topic from hatred and retaliation once I got that I was competing with him and that to do so I must value, percieve as strong, his tactics on some level. Even if it was just feeling it was the only option, that was a way of valuing the option. I didn't like seeing it in myself and once I did I felt instantly less reactive. That was a turning point for me and I know I can still go that way..the potential is there, the reaction still there until my alternative skills and feelings are strengthened through practise. I was beginning to practice getting mean as I was so frightened of the bullying and felt so trapped. One day I realized, "I am trying to get good at this!". Hello! No way to spend a life or a moment of it when there is an alternative.
Echo (gots to change this name)
Anonymous:
('Nofights' here)
Jaded and Echo
What I learned from the goings-on at N-partners was an extension of what I learned from the experience with my N. That when I see certain behaviors in another that are not acceptable, I do not try to change the other, or argue my position with them. I merely announce my position and move on. When I broke up with the N was the first time I ever broke up with someone and did not agree to any discussion of the causes, because we were obviously on 2 completely different wavelengths (little did I know . . . )
That's how I have handled the first such breakdown at n-partners (over a year ago, and repeated at least 3 times since), and I have done the same recently when an N appeared in a sports league that I belonged to. I spotted the unacceptable behavior, I announced my observations, and I moved on. I am finding it healthier and more satisfying than trying to stick around where unacceptable behavior reigns. And I don't carry lingering worry of whether I did or didn't do the right thing because I know what I saw and that is all that matters to me. That's an improvement over wondering if other's views are more 'valid' than mine, etc., which leaves one vulnerable to manipulation.
It obviously depends on what the issue is. I am not advocating 'my way or the highway'. But it has all taught me how to better identify certain issues that cannot be compromised (boundaries, I guess), and to not doubt myself on them, which hopefully makes me less of an n-target in the future. In the case of Sand, what I spotted in the first conflict was a severe double standard, and I view that as a personality trait that you cannot 'argue' someone out of, so why bother yourself with it (thus the 'nofights' handle). I stick with the generally accepted description of N-ism, and I can't say that sand has demonstrated to me that she is an N. But she has demonstrated to me enough unacceptable behavior for me to want to move on and not be affected by her positions.
There are enough times when I have no choice but to accept it, specifically in the work environment, that I will not tolerate it when I don't have to.
Hope that addresses your posts
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