Questions for Enablers

[switzerland]

If you are a child of Nparents, then my guess is that you are very likely an enabler, simply because you would have to be in order to get long with Nparents under their demanding household.

And so these questions pertain to all enablers or Nsuppliers.

1. do you realize the enabling traits within yourself?
2. are you currently in a relationship with an N-partner?  
3. how do you stop becoming an enabler?
4.  is #3 even a goal for enablers?

My other assumption is that Nparents breed Nchildren, but i doubt those people would not be reading this board, right?  Hmmmm...

If both my assumptions are incorrect, then, are there any well-adjusted children of Nparents who are living happy lives who can disprove my  statement?  Then again, they would not be reading this board, right? Hmmm....

[Brigid]

Switzerland,

I am the child of an N father and enabling mother.  In answer to your questions:

1. do you realize the enabling traits within yourself?

Through therapy I am learning to recognize my co-dependency (maybe Bunny can explain to me if these are the same or have differences--enabling and co-dependency, that is).  

2. are you currently in a relationship with an N-partner?

The divorce will be final on Tuesday.

3. how do you stop becoming an enabler?

This is one of my goals of therapy.  No, I don't want to do it any more and know that it is not a healthy relationship.

My other assumption is that Nparents breed Nchildren

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  Many people who come to this site have a fear of being N, but I haven't seen one yet.  We are seeking help and healing, the N's rarely are.  I don't know why some become N and others do not, but IMO it must have something to do with personality type and how we process pain.

If both my assumptions are incorrect, then, are there any well-adjusted children of Nparents who are living happy lives who can disprove my statement?

I'm sure there are, but you are right, why would they be here? I went through a good part of life thinking I was pretty well adjusted despite the poor relationship with my parents, until the crisis with my H happened, I went into therapy and started learning how my life had unfolded.  I guess I'm a slow learner, but better late than never.

Hope this helps.

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Thank you Brigid, for you candid reply.
I am working everyday with these very issues myself, and it's good to take a pulse from time to time.

Whenever i catch myself seemingly being enabling, i will STOP, and readjust myself.  Of course, this has been causing havoc in my relationship with significant other because the N in him does not like the new, improved, and empowered ME.    But i am on a roll now, getting stronger all the time, and cannot go back to being enabling.  Sometimes, i wonder, if i am overcompensating too much or being too hard on him. Ooops, is that an enabling thought, or what?    

Also, Now, whenever i pick up on other people acting either N'ish or enabling, i just back away like a slow beeping truck and get the heck away from them altogether.  Now, I understand how in the past, N's and enablers would walk right into a comfortable relationship with each other.  The temptation is so strong between the types. Its a perfect match.

Needless to say, i have dropped alot of N's and enabling types from my list of friends. I will have to make a whole new set of healthy friends as i become healthier myself.  

[switzerland]

that was me.
i swore i thought i logged in.....