Mother's Day

[cat]

Thought I'd start a new topic.  With mother's day coming up - how do you deal with N-mother's on that day?

Call them and just suck it up?  Or not call them and deal with the guilt that comes from that?

[bunny as guest]

I hate Mother's Day. My mom expects very special treatment and gets into a bitter, resentful mood because we haven't appreciated her enough. BLECH. With that said, I kiss up to her on that day out of respect. She tried to be a good mother. She thinks she was. Okay, she wasn't, but she did have good intentions.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi cat,

I don't have a N mom so I won't pretend to know what you are going through.  

Which action/inaction do you predict will inflict the most emotional damage on you? Be sure to look out for your own best interests since you know your Mom won't.

Best wishes.
Mia

[cat]

Mia - good advice!  Whatever I do will be met with harsh criticism - but the effort was made.

[Anonymous]

She tried to be a good mother. She thinks she was. Okay, she wasn't, but she did have good intentions.

bunny

bunny, could you expand on this "she did have good intentions" for me.  That confuses me some.

LM

[cat]

Not speaking for Bunny - but speaking for myself - good intentions are defined as "I'm only doing this to you (or for you) because I love you and you just don't appreciate it."

Were those the same for you Bunny?

[Anonymous]

My mother sincerely had good intentions in raising children. She believed herself to be a good mother. She didn't neglect our physical needs. She wasn't an alcoholic. She didn't beat us. She was just a narcissist control freak who doesn't understand children or teenagers at all. So her mothering was more about control, guilt, etc. Still I give her credit for her intentions and efforts. She did the best she could with her limitations.

bunny

[Stormchild Guesting]

My mother passed away almost five years ago... and I'm still healing from a lifetime of her abuse, so I suppose that mother's day is everyday for me. The gift that keeps on giving.

When she was alive, and ambulatory, I would take her to her favorite restaurant, but even this became impossible ultimately, as she became more hostile and savage. At the end, about all I could manage was to stop by with takeout, have a cup of coffee with her, and go.

But of course I always sent flowers... weird, something I started in grad school when I left the state and never stopped. She never once sent them to me; but, of course, they never do.

[Anonymous]

Well my mom isn't an N, she's just assisting/enmeshed/who knows what with one.
In any event I don't even bother anymore. The last couple of Christmas/ Mother's day cards came back unopened.

I'll spend the money and time on my MIL instead. She's a lot more of a mom than mine is.

mudpup

[astrofemme]

If I may be so bold, my first thought was "lucky you" mudpup.

I hate mother's day.  I always just order something to be delivered for her.  I don't even go near cards anymore.  It's hard to find neutral ones.

My N mother can be quite nasty with remarks about gifts she receives.  My brothers seem to fare the worst.  But we all still get her something, except the N sister who is really quite the extension of the N mother.  Ironic that her precious little N self extension is the only one who doesn't get her anything.

[Anonymous]

Astrofemme,

You may indeed be so bold.
I was fortunate to have had a mother who, for most of my life, treated me pretty well.

My N mother can be quite nasty with remarks about gifts she receives.

Why don't you send her something like, say...... a road killed toad?
You probably wouldn't hear anything at all.  
And you would dramatically lower her expectations for next year.  

mudpup

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hey, how about this, astrofemme: send your Nmother a picture of the Nsister who never sends your Nmother anything.

mwa hah hah.

[astrofemme]

Oh yeah, Mudpup, I'd hear all about the toad but the toad would be worth it!  I like the idea of sending her a picture of the N sister as well.  However, I have cut that sister out of my life and I don't have any pics.  Shucks.

At the risk of outing myself (I worry that the N mother may be surfing around and might recognize me--sounds crazy but she would do things like that), I have to tell a gift story.  The florist substituted a dried floral wreath because they were out of evergreens for the evergreen wreath I ordered for her one year.  I heard from my brother that she was very upset because I sent her "dead" flowers.  She thought that was really cruel of me.  

Is my mommy something or what?

[cat]

Oh astrofemme, you are too funny!  For awhile my Nmom had access to email.  Then somehow she got infected with a computer virus.

Every email she sent out to her friends slamming my sister and myself were somehow duplicated and sent to us.  We lurked for awhile, until my sister could no longer handle the lies being told.

Upon confrontation with the Nmom, asking for her to be someone we could trust, she instead decided to toss the computer.  

I also HATE to buy cards they just aren't neutral enough.

[D.R]

Bunny wrote:

My mother sincerely had good intentions in raising children. She believed herself to be a good mother. She didn't neglect our physical needs. She wasn't an alcoholic. She didn't beat us. She was just a narcissist control freak who doesn't understand children or teenagers at all. So her mothering was more about control, guilt, etc. Still I give her credit for her intentions and efforts. She did the best she could with her limitations.

I'm resonating what you are saying cuz this is how my mother was too.  To this day, she is still in the dark of the damage she did to her kids.  All seven of us.

Butterfly