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Does the pain ever stop?

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lahunt:
I am 35 now, and a survivor of family sexual abuse, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and emotional and physical abuse.  To my parents' credit, they both came from incredibly abusive backgrounds as well.  I have two siblings, both of which are coping with substance abuse, divorces, custody battles, and the like.  They are both still very innappropriately entwined with my narcissistic parents...accepting financial support, allowing them to interfere in relationships, completely care for their children, and so on.

Through decades of therapy, sobriety, and antidepressants, I have moved on and lead a rewarding life with a supportive husband of ten years.  We have a wonderful 1-year-old son, and life couldn't be better.  My dilemma: as the holidays grow nearer, I always dread that I will have to have contact with my cruel parents and crazy brothers.  My folks still do very nasty stuff to me, mainly because I don't get entwined in the family dramas: e.g., nearly boycotting my wedding, boycotting my son's christening, ignoring my achievements, putting down my husband, coming to town every other week to visit my brothers but never ever calling us or dropping by, because my mother took insult to something innocent my husband said after my son was born.

I know what you'll say...I should run as fast as I can, since any contact with them will put me in a funk for days.  But now there's a grandchild involved, and I fear it's unfair to cut them off.  I also feel so sad for them because I feel like it's not their fault that they are the way they are.  Yet, if I never saw or spoke to them again, my life would be so much happier.

Any suggestions? I've been trying to work through this issue for years, and since the birth of my son, the situation is really deteriorating. Thanks...

Jaded911:
Hi lahunt,

I can sympathise with you about the holidays coming up.  My family (especially my mom) is dysfunctional in their own ways.  Every year the holidays role around I dread them as well because there is always a drama.  It usually revolves around alcohol and most of the time my mom is smack dab in the middle of it.  My mom and dad are divorced, I am divorced from my kids father, so the holiday schdule is very tight.  I made the decision to put my family first.  Who do you consider to be your family lahunt?  Speaking for myself, I feel the day I got married and I began to have children, they became my family.  A family was something I always wanted, well a functional one that is.  I finally had it and it suddenly hit me one year that I continued to feed my moms frenzy when I rearranged my schedule with my family to accomodate her.  

You see all of the advertisements coming out now about Christmas and you remember how you always thought those families looked so perfect on the Xmas shows and the advertisements for Xmas.  I think that added to my awareness how miserable I was with the family I was brought into.  

I let it go.  I made my children and my husband my family and if my maniac mom called me, she called me.  If she would go for months without calling me, so be it, she went months.  Nothing I did as a child pleased her and I promise you nothing I do as an adult pleases her.  Guess I finally and thankfully came to the decision that the woman was so unhappy herself she couldnt be happy with anyone.  So she can just sit there miserable by herself for all I care.  She once made a comment to me that I brilliantly replied to.  Words could not describe how wonderful it felt for me to say this to her.  She told me of course how blah blah bad I treat her, sniff sniff, How that when she died I would cry and regret how I treated her.  I said ya know what, you probably are right.  I will cry, that I do not know for sure.  But I do know this for sure, if I cry when you die, those tears will be for the mother I should have had, not the one I had.  

Make new memories and traditions with the family that loves and appreciates you.  That being your husband and child.  Heck look at it this way.  Even if you do continue to go to her house for the holidays, you are not going to please her about something.  So please yourself and begin new traditions, she will be mad no doubt.  But like I mentioned if you go, she will still have something to bitch about.

rosencrantz:
Hi Lahunt - I have no wisdom to offer tonight.  Just a reaction.

Tough!  Tough on them!!!

I just cannot understand why we continue to put ourselves through it.  


--- Quote ---I fear it's unfair to cut them off. I also feel so sad for them because I feel like it's not their fault that they are the way they are
--- End quote ---
Yes, been there but finally realised that we react in that way because we are 'normal'.

The thing is that THEY work by different rules.  They don't and won't feel sad for you because they are not capable of knowing what it feels like to be you.  And you are projecting how YOU would feel in similar circumstances, not how they really WILL feel!!!  Do they really care - and for healthy reasons (ie not just for show)???

There's nothing 'unfair' in doing something that will prevent them from damaging you. Why would it be 'fair' to them to give them an opportunity put you into a funk?  I think that we, the victims, are trained to become masochists (kick me again so I know that you love me).

Don't do it.

From what you say, they constantly manipulate you to make you conform and return back to the fold - and so far you're doing a pretty mega job of keeping out of the fire. Don't let guilt and those soft feelings of motherhood lead you back in!  Your child has no need to be touched by them in any way whatsoever and they don't deserve the privilege of touching.

Good luck whatever you decide.
R

Nic:
Hi Lahunt,
Right off the bat ,let me say  I understand your feelings.  It's not easy to leave your parents..i've left my family in the last year and can confirm that it's been the best decision for my emotional survival that I have ever made.  Even better than the first time I went to therapy to save my skin from an abusive N family.
It is not uncommon from time to time (and despite your stating that things are good for you now) to retreat to a state I like to call, residual transient victim guilt.  I've experienced it in that if I go for more than a certain number of days feeling good about everything and taking care of myself I consciously or more often unconsciously revert to looking for the familiar feeling of being uncomfortable.  It's a strange mechanism, but Lahunt I have to tell you that it is an unhealthy reflex.   It is a negative and automatic response to years of destructive programming learned in a very toxic family.
I take a deep breath, really feel the emotions of guilt from which this pseudo kiss and make up manifestation stems from,  look at myself in the mirror and say : " Now Nic..do you realise this is a trap?"   "Yes " I answer myself back.  " Do you really want to go back to that environment, knowing full well you tried to fix it for years and that time after time it blew up in your face?!!!" " NO!!!" I answer  myself, the Nos keep getting louder and more emphatic as I go down my check list.

I've noticed that when I feel guilty or "long" for my N family it is often when I experience loneliness.  Often my wife is at the dentist or away for a couple of hours , I get to feeling lonely and when I feel this unpleasant emotion, i've observed that I'm prone to having these momentary relapses of feeling sorry for my abusers, also when I'm tired.  I've even caught myself imagining my wife dead and wondering if I would go back to my family if that were to happen!! :roll:

The brainwashing and training/programming experienced in  our N abusive homes is so toxic it creeps up on us when we least expect it doesn't it!.* nodding head and taking your hand* It's there to ruin the good times and the peace.  It is demonic but it can be short-circuited.

 As a result of all this, I have found  I need to develop the ability to expect when this is going to happen.  As I am often alone at that time i've learned to coach myself with the checklist in front of the mirror routine.  It's kinda like counting your blessings while looking at yourself..brings me face to face literally with my own reflection and not someone elses ie: my horrible N parents.
Just a suggestion and relating my own experience with Residual Transient Victim Guilt, oh heck let's call it RTVG! :lol:
No abusive N toxic parent, spouse or entire family deserves the right to take one more drop of your blood or mine...cut them off.  They are trespassing into your subconscious and that is out of bounds! That is too close.  I experienced emotional incest in my childhood and am guarding my personal space more than ever!
 Congrats btw for bringing up a very important stumbling block for all of us in recovery!  Pat yourself on the back for identifying a problem in that area.  Spooky at times this recovery business huh!
Very kind regards, Nic :wink:

Anonymous:
lahunt,

I'm sorry your family is so mean to you and your husband. I'm wondering what kind of behavior your child would be exposed to. If he's exposed to some friendly cousins and a "good enough" environment, maybe it's okay. But if people are yelling at you and your husband, maybe your child doesn't need to see that. What do you think?

bunny

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