Just need to write

[FlowerGirl]

Dear All,

I dont really expect a reply to this. I feel very alone today - and just felt like writing a note and sending into the air. When I read the stories of others here, I feel as though I am crying over nothing - they bring tears to my eyes. But somehow, telling myself that I'm okay and really not badly off - it doesn't seem to help.  so, thank you for indulging my writing... despite my clear self-pity

Mothers day was really hard for me. Every day of drawing bounderies with nMom hurts me. I almost feel as though I'm struggling against a tide... like my muscles are always flexed. Some days I just want to give up - I know it would be easier to just surrender. And in some ways, so much harder. I'm sure I'd give up on life... in time.

I keep seeing images of happy families. On TV. or my friends. I see happy children playing  - without a care in the world. I can't help but be jealous... of that freedom. A freedom I can't even recall. Its brought me to tears alot lately. I so much want to give any children I have that feeling - where the worst thing in the world is not getting the last cookie.

anyways. I just had to get it out. If i had one wish now - it would be for a hug.. a hug from someone who wants nothing back. Just let me cry in someones arms for a while.... somewhere safe. ...

thank you for your patience. somehow, sending this into the digital universe helps a little bit...

--FlowerGirl

[Stormchild Guesting]

((((((((((Flowergirl))))))))))

I remember when I first started feeling like I'd been cheated out of something really significant... it was in my 20s. And then I started noticing how incredibly infuriated I became at what I called "Family Idolatry"... the Norman Rockwell fairytales people paint over their realities so often in N-famlies.

Took me a long long time to put the two together, and realize that the anger and the sense of being cheated were one and the same.

I ache for you. Self-awareness is not self-pity. It is not self-pity to recognize that we really have, in a sense, been cheated. It takes courage and a lot of honesty to face that, in our codependent culture.

The thing is, once we reach the point of being able to accept it... which can't be rushed, because it's a loss and a grieving... we will be able to both recognize it and in some way transcend it.

((((((((((Flowergirl))))))))))

[FlowerGirl]

Thank you, Stormchild....

I guess I hear what you're saying. And I know you're right.. but I still feel like I should be able to get over it.  I don't know about you - but I grew up learning to suck it up. Learning to take care of it myself. Even if I got to talk it out - in the end, it was me who helped me. not my family - they were just talking back at me. making no sense.

So.. I feel like I should be able to be strong. to suck it up. I have a good life. I feel very blessed... and yet, I'm in tears.  

A few times in my life... I remember feeling that love I long for. moments, really. I think on them alot these days.. not sure if they are a gift or a curse. Do I cry because I don't have them anymore? Would it be better if I never knew better?

Thanks so much Stormchild... (((((( stormchild))))) thanks for listening.

--FG

[write]

and only just stopped feeling jealous of other people's 'normal' 'happy' families.

I think it's natural after so much trauma.

Don't compare your story to others- it's what it feels and means to you is important.

For me it was feeling the pain after years of denial and pretending or trying to pretend...

Just to accept that my view and version of things is what's important to me, my story, told with my voice: it was worth all the tears and pain to finally get here.

Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Flowergirl:

It is small consolation but I am going to tell you I am 56 and I am "still not over it".  I too still look at families and see the generosity, the kindness, the consideration and say "where is mine?"  Well, I don't have any either and probably won't unless that is self made (meet another individual with an extended family).  It is hard to put your hands around the concept of aloneness and realize no matter how hard you try, the connection to family is not available to you.  True enough there are many worse things than being alone, but the one thing all people desire is love and connectedness.  

I did not have this with my family and realized my alienation in my late 20's.  Even my own mother called me an "outcast" and told me that my N brothers treated other better than they treated me.  It was really great hearing that kind of news from her.  I had a very N father.  He was remote and unaccessible.  It follows that I gravitated toward men like that.  It has taken me a long time to realize that "I am it" with regard to taking care of myself and my son.  So my heart goes out to you and the yearning for family.  How I would give anything to have that.  

This is to let you know that there are others in the trenchs with you.  If is any comfort those nice "ideal families" we look upon with such envy might not be all they seem.  All families have their issues, but when it involves such a constellation of family members like we have it takes it to another level.   So be assured that the "self pity" you feel, well sweetheart, been there and back again many times.  Just know that whatever you post there is nothing but love and understanding in this place.

Much love,
Patz

[Brigid]

Flowergirl,

If i had one wish now - it would be for a hug.. a hug from someone who wants nothing back. Just let me cry in someones arms for a while.... somewhere safe. ...

This made me cry because I feel exactly the same way now.  I have no one in my life to whom I could go and just receive comfort and a respite from the pain I feel.  I long for a shoulder to cry on and a hug that doesn't stop.

Patz,

Like you, I am in my mid-50's and all I have are my 2 children.  That is not insignificant and I am so grateful for them, but they have their own lives and I can't dump my emotional baggage on them.  I, too, long for a real family that supports and cares about one another.  The only hope for that would be to marry into it.  Who knows if that will ever happen.

Feeling so alone at this age is so scary and sad.  Trying to stay strong and positive sometimes takes more energy than I feel I have left to give.

((((((((Flowergirl)))))))    (((((((((((Patz)))))))))))))

(((((((((Stormy))))))))     ((((((((((write)))))))))))

Brigid

[Anonymous]

What you wrote pulled at my heart strings, right now i know exactly how you are feeling, a shoulder a hug with no questions asked     (((((((big hugs to you all))))))))))

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

Flowergirl wrote,

thank you for indulging my writing... despite my clear self-pity

My dictionary defines self-pity as "pity for one's self".
And it defines pity as "sorrow for another's suffering or misfortune; compassion."
So what is wrong with self pity? You were denied something that by rights was yours. And now you have compassion and sorrow toward yourself for what was stolen from you. If you feel compassion and sorrow toward Stormy or Patz or Brigid you are being a kind, loving person. Why can't you be a kind loving, person toward yourself?
I have been a very fortunate man, in that I had pretty good parents and have a nearly perfect wife. My brother has been my only thorn and was not much of one until I was an adult. So sometimes i feel a little out of place here as I don't know the pain of being emotionally starved as a child or by a spouse.
On the other hand I do have a pretty long wingspan, so I can give you all a hug expecting nothing in return. Then if I do receive something back it is a gift, feely given, which is how its supposed to be.
I wish it could be in person so that you guys could cry on my shoulder too.

(((((((((((((((((FG, Stormy, Patz, write, Brigid)))))))))))))))))

mudpup

PS. Brigid, no need for this one to stop.

[bunny]

Hi guys,

There's nothing wrong with a good cry. Let it out. One little reality check, when you see happy couples and laughing children don't assume it's all hunky-dory. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If you are out of an abusive relationship, even if you're alone, you are safe now. That's a good thing! And you have yourselves: very interesting, cool women, as company. Rent a movie, read a mystery, go to the library, make yourself an omelette. Life has all sorts of small pleasures.

{{{ Hugs to everyone }}}

bunny

[daylily]

Mothers day was really hard for me. Every day of drawing bounderies with nMom hurts me. I almost feel as though I'm struggling against a tide... like my muscles are always flexed. Some days I just want to give up - I know it would be easier to just surrender. And in some ways, so much harder. I'm sure I'd give up on life... in time.

I keep seeing images of happy families.

Oh, Flower Girl, this one I know.  I found myself at lunch with most of my family on Saturday, thinking, "Surely I've been assigned to the wrong table."  I just felt this powerful urge not to be with these people, followed almost immediately by immense sadness that things are this way.

I know it doesn't help that much, but please believe me, you're not alone in feeling this way.  And it's not self-pity.  Each of us, I think, has an empty place in his or her spirit, a place that should have been filled but wasn't.  And it seems so unfair to have to do the hard work of filling it ourselves.  It feels like yet another crime against us.  I get so tired sometimes when I hear or read, "Your life is up to you!  You are responsible for your own happiness!"  I think, "Oh, boy.  Yet another thing at which I have failed."  Words that might bring a sense of hope or possibility to others often bring a sense of failure and inadequacy to me.

I don't know the way out of these feelings.  I wish I did.  But I just wanted you to know that what you're feeling--especially about Mother's Day--I felt, too.

Best,
daylily

[Stormchild]

I get so tired sometimes when I hear or read, "Your life is up to you!  You are responsible for your own happiness!"

Me too, sister!

Ever notice how many of the people who write that stuff have either never experienced an instant of real suffering in their entire pampered lives, or are such horrendous Ns that they are utterly impervious to anyone else's reality? Not all of them... but a large, large majority.

[chutzbagirl]

Hi Flowergirl,

Just a little note to let you know that I'm in the boat with you.  I'm sorry you are feeling sad.  I guess we do need to grieve for ourselves and find some way to be with people that can give us what we need.  (I'm struggling with that big time right now.)

I wish you the very best today.  I hope you find something that makes you smile.  

(((((flowergirl)))))

chutz

[longtire]

FlowerGirl, I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and alone.   (((((((((FlowerGirl))))))))

I dont really expect a reply to this. I feel very alone today - and just felt like writing a note and sending into the air. When I read the stories of others here, I feel as though I am crying over nothing - they bring tears to my eyes. But somehow, telling myself that I'm okay and really not badly off - it doesn't seem to help.  so, thank you for indulging my writing... despite my clear self-pity

I grew up concentrating on fixing other people's problems, since my own problems seemed impossible to me.  It took a long time and a lot of feedback from others who thought my experiences were horrible for me to see that there was something wrong there.  Even after I  "knew" that I had problems, it still took a while to really accept that and understand what it means.  Maybe telling yourself that you are OK and not badly off doesn't help because it isn't true?

I've decided that everyone has lines, and when someone else's behavior crosses that line, it hurts.  I'm not talking about boundaries or limits, I'm talking about the threshold of pain.  Whether the incursion is "just" over the line or miles beyond, it hurts the same.  Comparing suffering seems to so often be a way to dismiss the pain, as if that makes it hurt any less.  Sometimes, we are the ones who dismiss our own pain, but that only prolongs it.  Maybe you need to truly pity yourself for what you have suffered before you can move beyond it.  Don't back off from self-pity, embrace it to move beyond it.

[FlowerGirl]

Thank you all - thank you all so so much.  I can't tell you what your support means to me.  At least, I dont feel like I'm going insane - like I'm being stupid. You validate that what I feel is real - and that is priceless to me.

Sometimes, you know, I think G-d knows we've reached our limit. And he is giving with good things to help us. This process is a test, and today I really needed a coffee break. The sun came out today - for the first time in weeks. And somehow, my work felt more engaging. And, to top it off, I had dinner with an old friend I hadn't seen in years... It was wonderful.

It all led me to reflect a little on love. I cry in pain because I feel i never got the real unconditional love of a parent. but, I have been blessed to know a number of different kinds of love - from friends, both casual and close, both old and new, both young and old...  Getting a parent's love may be a lost cause - but I am truly grateful for the other types I have grown to cherish.

I hope you all got some sunshine today!

--FlowerGirl

[genuine]

Dear FlowerGirl

I understand how you feel as I toughed it out on Mother's day too. Mine was a bit of a double edged sword, because I was thinking of my NMother as well as the child she made me abort. Like you I see others and find it hard to accept my situation and you know what? I don't want, cause it should never have been this way.

I feel your pain because I have it too. My Nmother has affected me so much that I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and I barely function in life. My only light at the end of the tunnel is my boyfriend of 10 years. We live together now. Hows this, his family are just as bad as mine and we decided in 2003 enough was enough and left them all to wallow in their own misery.

We have cut everybody off including relatives just so we can heal. My mother-in-law called me "evil" because she has has lost her narccisstic grip on her son. He has cut her off and I am the villian. For God's sake he is 34 years old, he can make his own decisions.

Being called a slut by my own mother because of an unplanned pregnancy and evil by my partner's mother has driven me to utter feelings of worthlessness and despair at times. I don't know if I can ever forgive them. Anyway I am rambling now.

FlowerGirl you sound like a Beautiful soul and I'm sure you will make a great Mother one day. Keep your chin up

Love genuine