question about self-sabotage

[switzerland]

Hi everybody!!!

I have been thinking very hard about the answer to my question, but so far without satisfaction, so i would like to ask the group here.

My parents have never praised my academic achievements throughout childhood, despite i have many honors and awards to show for my success.  They never attended any award night ceremonies, or even attended any of my graduation ceremonies.  I remembered they stayed home to watch tv instead.

I have been out of school for over 15 years now, and have recently decided to go back for my masters degree.  The big step was to apply to my alma mater, ivy league school again, and i am very pleased to say that i got accepted.  I am about to enter my masters program, but still have strong memories of disappointment caused by my  Nparents throughout my childhood and adulthood.

I have decided to forego telling them of my plans for study and new career, since they have never shown genuine interest anyway. ALso, it is because we are hardly on speaking terms in the past few years. But more importantly, i have become fully aware of their sabotaging me throughout my life.  And i have even become aware of the resulting self-sabotage of my own success due to their "double message". (they want me to be successful so that they can TAKE CREDIT for being great parents. but it is clear that they don't want the children to outdo them)

I am aware that my subconscious mind will not stand for my ungrateful, unsupportive Nparents trying to STEAL credit of any success from me again and again.
How can i stay the course and avoid any self sabotage?

[Anonymous]

Hello Switzerland:

First, I'm so sorry that your dopey parents won't give you credit for being the smart cookie you are!!!  Ofcourse, you seem to realize that their Nish behaviour is part of their problem....not a reflection of anything real.

The reality is.....you are an intelligent person who has worked hard to succeed and is succeeding, regardless of their lack of support/praise/
pride/encouragement!  Good for you!!  You are doing it...regardless of them and their problem/s.

Second.....I think you are doing the right thing by not bothering to mention your return to school (and Congratulations on being accepted!!  Yay again for you!!!  You must be doing a lot of things right, have what it takes, be showing the correct attributes.....for them to accept you and that....is a great accomplishment already!!  So way to go!!!)

How did you feel after those few words of praise?  We all need praise eh?
Third.....another good thing....your coming here for support.  If your parents won't be encouraging you along the way to success, the people here certainly will!  Good idea...seeking some positive feedback from others.  Your parents can go play with their lego ( ).  The fact is..you are an adult, who is capable of finding the support you need, and succeeding in your goals, without your parents support.  You've done it so far and will continue to do so.

And last......I think the best possible way to avoid self-sabbotage is to continue doing what you're doing....by going for what you want, without including them (thereby giving them the chance to belittle/insult/seize the rewards for your achievements, and also......

By self-affirmation.  Spend time each day affirming your goals, your achievements, your good assets, your abilities.  You have many!!  Reward yourself mentally by pointing them out, frequently, and encourage yourself to go for it!  I know this does not give the emotional warmth of a few kind words from a parent.....but the fact is...your parents are not going to give this to you, no matter what you achieve.  I guess the bottom line is that you must do it for yourself....and reach out to others...for support...when you feel you need more encouragement.

I admire you for going back to school!!  That is a big step.  It will require much work and consentration and effort and time.  It is not an easy thing to do (I don't know your age but if you aren't fresh out of school.....it's gotta be tougher to get back into the swing).  I'm so glad to hear that you are doing this for yourself and to improve your life (possibly the lives of your family...if it will lead to an increase in income).  You are a risk-taker...because it's risky to put out the money for school, make the committment, and chance failure (which can happen for any number of reasons).  You're taking that risk anyway, and that tells me that you are thinking positively in that you believe you will succeed!!  Keep thinking that way and you will!!!

Best of luck, Switzerland!!!   I'm cheering you all the way!!!

GFN

[bunny]

How can i stay the course and avoid any self sabotage?

Print out what you posted and read it whenever you're tempted to backslide. And congratulations on your acceptance to grad school! Best wishes.

bunny

[daylily]

I think we are in very similar boats.  I came from a very average background; my parents were the first in their families to attend college.  My father graduated in three years because that's all the GI benefits he had; my mother had to quit school when her father stopped working due to Black Lung disease.  My parents have always stressed the value of education, and to their credit, they created an environment in which academic excellence was simply a condition of our existence.  Why ask for different air when there's nothing else to breathe?

Despite the fact that all four of us kids did very well in school, we have no career confidence.  We have gravitated toward "safe" and relatively low-stress jobs:  college teaching, practicing law in state government, joining the batallions of government analysts and accountants that haunt the halls of Washington.  Both of my sisters considered becoming doctors but did not feel they could handle the stress.  My brother, a lawyer, always longed to set up his own practice (his hero is Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird) but did not think he could make a go of it.  I have always wanted to try to become a professional writer, but the certainty that I would fail tended to cut into my work ethic.

We have a saying in my family:  "You have a lot of potential.  What a pity you'll never make anything of yourself."  My mother instilled in each of us her failure-as-foregone-conclusion attitude, her staunch refusal to be happy at doing well, her belief that success is the result of "luck" rather than effort.  Such an attitude breeds insecurity and defeatism.

Although I don't know you, I'm very proud of you because you have come a long way towards disentangling yourself from that kind of thinking.  I'm sure you know that it's like trying to remove one color from an oriental rug.  You're constantly in danger of unravelling the whole.

But more than being proud of yourself, you seem to have developed the kind of self-reliance that will see you along your chosen path.  Trust yourself; you have earned the right to do so.  You have proven yourself, to yourself, and that's what really matters.

I wish you could tell me how it's done.  But for now, just keep reminding yourself that you are not taking your abilities on faith.  You are realizing your gift, which may be what you were put on earth to do.

Congratulations.

best,
daylily

[switzerland]

Thank you so much GFN and Bunny.  Really appreciate the kind words.

Yes, it seems we do feel good from praise, and that it seems more powerful coming from someone other than oneself.  I wonder why that is. I agree with practicing self-affirmations which have gotten me thus far.  Now wouldn't it be even greater if we had approval from our parents?  How much farther a little ounce of parental love could take us in our long life journey long after the 18 years at home with them......

You are right, i will have to look for outside support in times of need.
Thanks again.
Any chance GFN stands for Good Friend in Need?

[switzerland]

Dear Daylily,

Thanks for sharing your post.
Isn't it awful how parents will instill and project their own low self-esteem issues onto their children!!   ...evolution occurs so slowly......

It actually took me a long time to reach this point.  As i said, i am 15 years out of school. In essence, it took me that long to uncover the plethora of personal and family problems from which i came, and to heal from it. In the meantime, i wasted alot of time in unsatisfying jobs, and finally i mustered enough courage to take the risk of going back for graduate studies in a whole new field, with only myself and my own interest at heart this time.  It would seem that afterall, i don't have much to lose, so i am willing to take the risk.

It takes alot of wisdom and energy to weed out negative thoughts that were instilled in you, and to create from scratch your own positive thoughts.  In contrast, the world would seem less scary, safer, and more nurturing than dysfunctional families.

It  took me a long time to realize it was really my parents narcissism that destroyed the whole family.  Sadly, i have no choice but to remove myself from their lives completely, so i can have a chance at a decent life for myself.  Why not? because, afterall, i am not masochistic and i refuse to go down with them in their destructive path.  I decided NOT to be an enabler to them.  

Daylily, i suggest you spend some time to think about all the things your parents taught you.  Maybe you can keep some of the important and useful values such as education, and just throw out the rest of the crap they fed you about failure, luck, etc....   This is what i did.  I spent alot of time writing in my journal, sorting it all out.  some of the materials are quite absurd and comical.

Good luck to you and thank you again for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Hi again Switzerland:

...we do feel good from praise, and that it seems more powerful coming from someone other than oneself. I wonder why that is.

I think it's because we saw other kids getting this praise from their parents and we didn't get any/much, so we thought there was something wrong with us.

The only way to overcome those thoughts is to change our thinking and begin believing that we are ok, deserve praise, are doing well, etc and tell these things to ourselves.

Then, when another person praises us.....the ideas seem even more powerful because it's not just us thinking them.  Other people think so too!!  We're not crazy after all!!  Maybe there's not so much wrong with us after all!!  Etc.    

Any chance GFN stands for Good Friend in Need?

It stands for Guest for Now but you can substitute, if you like.  We can't have too many good friends can we?  I need.  You need.  We all need right?

I think you are going to do just great in grad school!!!

Now wouldn't it be even greater if we had approval from our parents?

That would be marvelous but it probably an unrealistic thought because 18 years have gone by so far and you aren't feeling it.  Anything is possible but some things just aren't likely.  Hope you will come here when you need encouragement and express your need.  People will respond and that will only help you along your way.

Good luck and enjoy this wonderful opportunity to learn!!  School is a great chance to grow!!!   Here's to going for your full potential!!!

GFN