Growing FEAR

[d'smom]

I believe after his last session with T he came to the realization that therapy is not rewarding him in any way.  He figures it's a waste of his time.  The kids just started in early March and he feels therapy has been lingering?  Give me a break.

i think that letter is hilarious (if it werent so sad) but i just think hes trying to intimidate her, becuase he is realizing a she is about to observe his carefully hidden 'true self'.

ha - i hope she sees him for everything he is. therapy isnt about him, its for THEM to help them deal with the aftermath of his crap. geez louise!
anna

[Stormchild]

Typical N about-face, Mia -- you are so right, he has realized this T is actually good enough to see through him, and he wants the kids away from her yesterday.

Abuse is a progressive disease, like alcoholism. It takes more and more to get the same 'kick'. Your XN seems to be escalating.

Sounds like his lawyer is pretty N-abusive too. He'd have to be, to take your X's money for sending this letter when he must know exactly what you know about the court ordering therapy, etc. There are decent lawyers who refuse to enable this kind of thing...

They're trying to run this T off just like they did the last one. I hope she has the brains, guts and backbone to stand up to them. It shouldn't take long to shut this garbage down, if she does.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his lawyer is pretty N-abusive too. He'd have to be, to take your X's money for sending this letter when he must know exactly what you know about the court ordering therapy, etc. There are decent lawyers who refuse to enable this kind of thing...

I was wondering if he had N tendencies too or if he is just incompetent.  I know my attorney would have "slapped my hand" if I tried to have him pen a letter like the one they sent to T.

I have a feeling that the T is seeing through him now....only took three sessions.  Hmmm....I wonder what the average is on number of sessions it takes for the N to emerge?

The more T tries to give him tips on how to parent the kids the more he is going to resist.  If he stops without permission of the T he will be in contempt and this time we will sic the Judge on him full throttle.  

Mia

[Brigid]

Mia,
Regarding your X having the lawyer send the letter to the T:  if he is anything like mine, he is very emotionally immature and therefore surrounds himself with people who will be his substitute parents.  He is incapable of taking the responsibility to have a relationship with the T, so he puts it off to the lawyer.

My XH has surrounded himself with mostly female supporters to handle his life for him and they become surrogate mothers (or fathers).  Nearly every communication I have had with my H for the last 12 months has come through his attorney.

I may be completely out to lunch on this, but just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.

Enjoy your XN vacation for the next 2 weeks.  Maybe he'll meet with some demise while gone (or blow up) .

Hugs,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hi Mia and all:

What a silly trick your ex NH is trying to pull by sending that letter via his lawyer!  

I wonder what the T would say, if you mentioned that you also rec'd a copy of this silly letter,   (if you haven't already mentioned it...maybe I missed that...oops ).

I'm glad you and the kids have a couple of weeks free of his junk, a little vacation from him.  Vent away when you need to!  I don't mind.  

Keeping you in my prayers.

GFN

[mum]

Mia: wow, your ex sends those ridiculous letters too?  I figure it's because my ex has a lawyer (female) who is well known for sucking as much money out of her clients as possible...so when he says: write something ridiculous, she says: SURE!!
Unfortunately, everytime she does a letter, my attorney must respond, so mine ussually waits a while and responds in bulk.  It's still costing me a fortune.
Anyhow....I think this is a good thing for you, really.  It does show he feels threatened...and this whole thing may blow up in his face soon. My kids are going to speak soon, so I am hoping for the same (exposure of the ex).
Hang in there....and dont' worry if you can help it. (I'm finding it doesn't help me much).
Sending you love and light (to your kiddos too).

PS: I picked up "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck.  Have you read it?  I ask because you have talked about evil before and that's what it is all about (oh, and I think our ex's are on the cover!!!)
mum

[Anonymous]

Hi mum,

Unfortunately, everytime she does a letter, my attorney must respond

Why?
I've told my attorney to ignore crap like that and he has. If it is something to do with procedure or scheduling thats one thing, if its a crock of s%$%t then why not have your attorney write one letter saying she refuses to waste her clients money on your exes mental problems. This professional courtesy crap is just that..... crap. Expensive crap.

Mia,

Why is his attorney sending mail directly to you? If you have an attorney that is unethical.
I'm not even sure it is ethical for him to ask those questions of the T. If she was court appointed he probably should be addressing those questions to the court. Every state is different of course, but this guy sounds like he is taking liberties.
Maybe a kick in the teeth is in order?

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Why is his attorney sending mail directly to you? If you have an attorney that is unethical.

That's a good question, Mud.  This is the second time he has done so.  
Maybe he is a N afterall too.  He sent a letter to my attorney about a month ago realizing that he shouldn't be corresponding directly with me and that he would no longer be doing so.  WTH?
What are the consequences for such behavior?  I don't even want to bother my lawyer right now with it...too much $$.

Mum,

No, I haven't read that.  I'll be sure to pick it up.  Thanks for the tip.
I hope you and your kids prevail in the long run.  I am doing better about not worrying as much.  Thanks for asking.  Instead I try to find the humor in all his insane ramblings.  

Thanks everyone for your good thoughts and prayers....GFN, Stormy, Brigid, D's Mom, serena, bunny, mum and mud and anyone I may have forgotten.  

Mia

[mum]

Mia, I just thought of something.  Our attorneys have a court order NOT to contact the therapist themselves. Absolutely verboten!!!  Check that out....it is totally worth finding out.  Your ex is a stupid fool, he really is.  And his attorney sounds just as dumb....I think they may have blown it here (good!!!)
Mud: The questions we must respond to are about "offers" in a "sort of" negotiation that is going on.  I like the way my lawyer handles it....save it up and send three responses in one.  Yeah, it's costing me....but when I think about it I laugh like a crazy person (if I don't I'll cry).....hhheheeeee hhhahaaaa hhhahahooooo........Also, because its money, it's not my soul!!!!

[Anonymous]

Thanks Mum

I just emailed my attorney about the appropriateness of his lawyer contacting the children's therapist.  I wonder if it's OK b/c the therapy was court ordered???   I'll let you know when I hear back.

Thanks for the heads up.

Mia

[mudpup]

mum,

The questions we must respond to are about "offers" in a "sort of" negotiation that is going on.

Yeah, negotiating with an N. Now there's an oxymoron. With an emphasis on moron.
I've found it a complete waste of time and money to even try. Its just a game and they're even willing to slit their own throats to 'win' which to them means 'harm the other party'.
How can you negotiate when an N is the very poster child for the term 'bad faith'?
Its like bargaining with a spitting cobra; they say they won't bite so they spit in your eye; they say they won't spit and they sink their fangs in your neck.
I guess the only way to negotiate with an N is to hire a mongoose. And they don't come cheap.

mudpup

[mum]

Mudpup; You just crack me up.  Yup, it's totally ridiculous.  As soon as my ex dumped my "offer" to negotiate the first go round....I knew it was a waste of time.  Now, however, he keeps trying to cut deals with me, all in a thinly veiled effort to make it so the children will not speak!!!
I won't deal.  My kids having a voice is not a negotiable point for me.  
Oh, yeah, I think my attorney would object to me calling her a mongoose, although she sure isn't cheap, so that fits!!!!

[October]

If everyone doesn't mind I would like to share a letter I received this afternoon in the mail from X N's attorney.  The letter was addressed to the children's therapist with a cc to me and X N.
It reads as follows:


Dear Ms. S:

Both my client and I are somewhat concerned as to the fact that this matter has been lingering so long and it appears that there may not be positive success being made.

In addition, I am somewhat confused as to what you perceive your role is in this matter.  Is it as a counselor for the children, is it for family counseling to enable Ms. H and Mr. R to communicate with each other, or is it as an evaluator or mediator?

Awaiting to hear from you, I am.

Sorry, but I can't seem to stop venting.  Thanks for listening.

Mia

This letter is really bizarre.  Correct me if I am wrong, any lawyers around, but I am under the impression that a lawyer takes instructions from a client, and then acts accordingly.  In which case a letter from a lawyer would say 'my client is concerned about x, y and z, and has requested me to write to you for clarification of these matters.'

What struck me immediately from this lettter, however, is that the lawyer is writing not only on behalf of his client, but also for his own personal peace of mind.  What is that all about?    He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf.  He has no business saying 'I am somewhat confused' (Although, in a Freudian sense, it appears to be true.    ).

Looks like the lawyer also doesn't know where the boundaries are between himself and his client.  And if the N can do it to a lawyer, no wonder he can do it to a defenceless child.

In replying, if I replied at all to such a daft letter, I would request clarification of who is asking the questions, and on whose behalf.  I would also agree with the comment that if this t is court ordered, the questions should be directed to the court, rather than anyone else.  The court, as the appointee, ought to be the only body with the power to question, validate or invalidate the t.  And it ought to do this in direct communication with the t, rather than anyone else.  

In other words, butt out N and Nlawyercodependent.  

[October]

Oh October,

Thank you for your words.  My daughter is 7 and I think she would enjoy playing those games with me.  

Thanks for the games.  I am psyched to play them now.  

Take care.
Mia

You're welcome.  Thought of another idea.  Could you buy your kids a magic set, so that they can learn some tricks?  To teach them that there is no such thing as magic, only  tricks that we play on people.  

And somewhere along the line, they can learn as well that there are good tricks, like magic sets teach you, and not so good tricks, like pretending that we can read someone's mind, to make them feel unhappy?

Just a thought.  

Don't let them take the magic set to visit their dad, though.  Ns don't like pretending to be fooled by the tricks, like we can do forever for our kids.

You sound like a wonderful mum, btw.  

[mudpuppy]

Hi October,

He has no business being somewhat concerned, except only on his client's behalf.

I've been around an awful lot of lawyers over the years and to say that there is a high occurence of Nism amongst them would be like saying that Germans are slightly fond of beer or that Russians occasionally invade their neighbors.
For a lot of lawyers their client exists solely so that the lawyer can stick his nose into other people's lives and prove how superior he/she is. That's why their own clients can't stand them half the time.
There are a lot of good, 'normal' lawyers, but there is a whole pile of lawyers who live to prove just how ethically challenged they are and dare anybody to do something about it.

There's a million vindictive lawyer jokes for a reason.  

mudpup