Baby is here - now what?

[mum as guest]

that last post was me. Mum

[Portia]

Hi Cadbury. This situation will continue to drain you unless you bring it to a conclusion. It’s up to you when, or if, you do that.

I would rather he had NO contact, but this is the best I can manage for now. What do others think?

Do you know your rights, inside out? Have you got all the information available?

If you would rather he had no contact, tell him. Or try something like “I don’t want you coming around here every week. Once a month would be too much for me. let's make it every two months.” See what he says. What’s the worse that could happen? A temper-tantrum, or a legal battle?

Would he go to court for access rights? He might not bother. He might not care that much.

You say you’re worried what he will do mentally if the fight happens. What do you mean? That he’ll shout and try to make you feel bad? If you write down the worse scenario (for yourself, or here), it might not appear so worrying. It might be something you can handle. It might even make you want to resolve this. What do you think?

[mum]

Hi, Portia. I'm not sure what the laws in the UK are. But I doubt they are hugely different than in the States regarding parental rights.  Cadbury might very likely not find resolution with the guy....those of us who have kids with N's in the States certainly cannot. If you mean emotionally, though, it's a really tough battle, but possible.
Cadbury, I think Portia is right to encourage you to get more information, so you know what you are up against.  You know HIM and what the deal is there....but the parental rights thing is something to find out about, legally.
Yes, he will throw a fit, I believe you. And you have every right to be wary of him.  Just don't let it paralyze you. When I analyze my ex's tantrums, that's all they are. Unfortunately, he has money and a court system that supports the good ole boy mentality.....so his tantrums aren't always easy to blow off.

[Portia]

Hiya Mum, I think the UK is probably behind the US, we are in many ways . Here Dads have to go to court for any access - they’re not entitled to it. See: http://www.fathers-4-justice.org/objectives/index.htm  Quote: “Parents & Grandparents have no legal right to see their children & grandchildren in this country.”

Cadbury you weren’t married to him and he doesn’t demonstrate any obligation towards your child – financial or otherwise. His own behaviour with his own son could be used against him and the fact that you already have two children of your own could count in your favour.

The bloke is a manipulative loser. I wouldn’t want him within 50 feet of any of my children. The comment about breast-feeding and looking at your breasts was  sickening. All he can think about is (excuse me) getting back into your knickers. That’s the extent of his personality, about 1 cm thick. Don’t you and your kids deserve better? (yes  you do) Take care

[mudpuppy]

Hi guys,

Hiya Mum, I think the UK is probably behind the US, we are in many ways  . Here Dads have to go to court for any access - they’re not entitled to it.

I'm not sure I'd call that being 'behind' us.
Cadbury seems to be the perfect example of why automatic access to the 'sperm donor' (or egg donor, as the case may be) is an asinine law. If these goons weren't so common, presumptive rights to access might be a better idea.
Nowadays if somebody doesn't come to court with a butcher knife dripping blood and a list with the judges name the next one to be crossed off, they get to ruin a kids life just because they dropped off a little of their, usually defective, DNA somewhere.

Hey, we're perfectly capable of messing up our own kids without having to get lunatics involved in the process, right?    
Just kidding.

mud

[Anonymous]

Hiya Cadbury:

I would rather he had NO contact, but this is the best I can manage for now. What do others think?

Honestly, I think I might seriously consider moving very, very far away, and on my way out the door, telling him I'm not sure WHO the father of my son is, while the chance exists.

That might be dishonest but necessary in order to spare my child the nasty influence of a father who will cause the child much worse pain, eventually.

The best of two evils maybe?

It's a tough call Cadbury.  Only you will be able to decide if such drastic measures are required and whether the disruption in your life and your children's lives will be worth it.

(((((((((((Cadbury))))))))))

GFN

[Cadbury]

Thanks for all the replies.

Portia - I had never thought of looking on the Fathers for Justice website. It was a good source of information. I felt bad that I was using their campaign the wrong way round, but then again my ex doesn't really count as a father so never mind.

Mudpuppy - thank you for seeing my point!

Mum - My ex scares me more in the sense of what he will try and do to me mentally. His tantrums are bad, and he has done enough of them publically enough for me to use them against him, but they don't scare me as much as the mind games.

I emailed him yesterday and told him that I was happy with the contact as it is. ie Once a week in a public place for an hour at the most. He was on yahoo this morning, trying to make me feel bad about it. I stuck to my guns, but tried to be as unconfrontational as possible, to avoid making him realise that this may end up as a legal battle.

GFN - I would love to do what you suggest, but I am a full time PhD student and my grant is what my family lives on so I don't have that option just yet. In another two years when I graduate then I have the options, so I'm hoping that will be soon enough.

I have agreed to meet him tomorrow so his other son can meet his baby brother for the first time, but I did then poiint out that he will have no further contact for another week. No midweek Starbucks for instance. I have looked into the rights issue a bit more, and he has none unless he goes to court, so I feel happier knowing that if this all gets too bad I can stop it. That helps, but I hope it doesn't come to that. I really hope he goes away and forgets about us all.

Thanks again, I will keep you all posted.

[Anonymous]

In another two years when I graduate then I have the options, so I'm hoping that will be soon enough.

Not only that....but in another 2 years....maybe he'll be on to bigger and better things and won't be bothered/will forget about you and your son, as you hope.

Best wishes Cadbury!  Keep doing what feels right.

GFN

[Serena]

Cadbury

You are a star!!!  I didn't realise you were doing a Phd along with bringing up your beautiful little family.  

My advice would be to never go on msn with him and save his e-mails.

Fantastic weather, isn't it?????


Love to you all

[Cadbury]

Hi Everyone,

Serena - beautiful weather, but getting too hot for me!!

Well, to update, I met my ex and his son in Tesco cafe on saturday morning. It wasn't too bad, right up until he asked me if I'd registered the birth yet. I said yes. So he asked if he was on the birth certificate. I said I wasn't allowed to put his name on it as he wasn't present and we weren't married. (Which is true) He started getting nnoyed and saying how I'd deprived him of "almost everything you could have". He then asked what name I'd registered him in, so I told him "my name". He then said he could never forgive me for that. He started being very difficult. I started feeling shaky and sick. I first off tried to move on and talk about our baby, but he kept saying things like "Ican't believe you've done this to me. I can never forgive you". He was asing me why etc etc . In the end I got a little annoyed and told him that since I had been pregnant, and then gone through labour to deliver the baby and was doing everything for him, that I felt I deserved to call my son by my name. He was still going on and on. Then it struck me that he was just upset because he saw our son as a possession and wanted his name on that possession. He was taking it all as a personal insult to his manliness or something.

I got more annoyed and told him he had done nothing to deserve a part in our son's life and that if he wanted his contact to increase then he would have to work at regaining my trust and being a good parent. (Something I don't think he will ever do) He even woke the baby up just so he could cuddle him. When I said "oh don't wake him up" he got annoyed and said "well, I don't have much time with him". My darling little man rewarded his sperm donor by crying for the rest of the time.

The visit carried on (longest hour of my life) in much the same way. I felt worse and worse and was struggling to hold it all together. In the end he made one comment too many and so I said "you nearly caused me to lose this baby with the stress you put me under. You didn't care then, so why pretend now?" and walked out.

I knew he wouldn't be happy about that. Not only had I said what I had, but I had dared say it in a public place and then walk away from him. I walked so fast out of there as i was terrified he would come after me. Luckily, he didn't walk as fast as me and so I had managed to get the baby strapped in to my car and was just getting in the driver's seat before he found me. HE blamed me for my attitude "when is this anger going to stop". A few more stupid comments "what have I ever done to deserve this" and then I snapped at him that the problem he had was all about his big fat ego rather than our son and drove off. I haven't heard anything since, but I am now really scared of the way he makes me feel and I don't think I can cope with contact. If I do agree to meet him again then I will have to take someone with me or something.

However, I am getting to the point of letting him take me to court for any contact. I have enough of his mad emails and yahoo conversations to prove the point of why I am scared of him and doubt his ability as a father so if he does get any contact it would have to be supervised and minimal.

I feel so crap now. I have been trying to get over it and be strong, but I hate the way he can affect me and make me feel this bad.

The only upside is that the situation I had feared for so long has now happened so I can stop dreading it and start coping with it.

Sorry for the ramble, needed to get it off my chest.

[Brigid]

Cadbury,
So sorry that you are having to go through all of this crap with the sperm donor.  It's not fair that you cannot just enjoy your beautiful little boy without all the additional stress.

I don't have any words of wisdom or good advice for you, but just wanted you to know that I hold you and your babies in my prayers.  Also, congratulations on going for your PhD.  You have alot on your plate and you are managing sooooo well.  I do agree that you should take someone with you when (or if) you meet him in the future.  The bigger the better (the person that is   ).

Bless you,

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hiya Cadbury:

Hang in there!  Hey!  At least the dreaded is over re your son's name!

You do have a lot on your plate (wow....PhD and all!!!  fantastic!!) and you are doing a good job of thinking things through being reasonable.  What more could any person do?

I'm sorry about this:

I feel so crap now. I have been trying to get over it and be strong, but I hate the way he can affect me and make me feel this bad.

You are doing your best, which is all anyone could.  Much of this is his own doing and you have made this clear.  It's hard to be "strong" when you have hormones and responsibilities and people behaving like N's all dancing around wanting the main stage.  You're doing a good job of staying focussed on what's most important.  Too bad about his ego...poor boy.  He'll live!

Be proud of being as strong as you are!  For ignoring your fear and being honest and clear.  For being more than reasonable!  For thinking before you open your mouth!!  For being a great mom!  He hasn't effected those things, good things, about you!  (Poor goof! )

GFN

[Cadbury]

I checked my email and he had sent an email as if nothing at all had happened! Now, I just feel insane.

[Cadbury]

Thank you for the replies by the way. I was just a little shocked by his "hey isn't life dandy?" email. Will update you all later, if he contacts me again. Thank you all.

[longtire]

(((((((((Cadbury)))))))))

Confrontations are no fun. Your ex is really showing his N side here.  Where a "normal" person would be asking what they could do to help, how they could show you that they care and are safe enough to have time with your precious son, all he could talk about was how "you did this to him."  Yeechh!  As long as he is stuck there, I don't think he will ever hear what you are saying.

I know from dealing with my BPD wife how hard it is to not let their behavior trigger us.  Is there anything else you can do to help remain calm in the face of his ranting and raving and accusations?  I am concerned that he will use your "anger problem" as an excuse to cause further problems for you.  Maybe rememebring that we are all there with you in spirit will help?  I hope you don't take this as criticism, I think that you are doing a great job of standing up to his behavior.  I would just hate to see him use your (fully justified) anger against you by lying and claiming that it proves you are the one with the problem.  I have had this problem with my wife.  The more I detach from getting upset at her behavior and words the less she seems interested in provoking me or trying to blame me for her choices.