Believing in yourself

[Guesting]

Daylily, your insights made a lot of sense to me.  I'm still thinking about them as I write this post.  The thought of a challenge or criticism didn't cross my mind til you mentioned it.  Your words were neither of them, but rather very helpful to me.  Thanks.  Besides, I could always use new insights to challenge my way of thinking about certain things. Have you ever thought of writing a column for Ladies Home Journal or something of that sort in a question and answer format?  I think you would be very good at that and a lot of readers would benefit from your insights and warm way of using words.  I think you have a special way of touching ppl's hearts with your words.  Anyway, that was just a thought I had

I have another situation.  Ever since I can remember, I've struggle with being unassertive and losing self-confidence when I'm around people...as if I de-value myself and over-value the other person/people.  Just like sitting on a seesaw.  I mentally put myself on the lower end and the other person on the higher end.  For a long time, I use to think it's because I have social anxiety.  Now, I feel that condition is not the cause of feeling inferior around ppl.  I now realized that all along I've been putting people I come in contact with on a pedestal, either consciously or subconsciously.  Before I didn't realize that I was doing it.  Then I wonder why I always feel so tense and uneasy and de-self myself when I'm around ppl.  In the meantime, I lose my ability to process and generate thoughts and ideas in the company of ppl I'm with.  It's as if my ship of self is steadily sinking.  It could be a complete stranger and I still feel this way.  I tend to perceive the other person to be better than me, smarter than me, communicate better than me, etc.  They can do no wrong.  I, on the other hand, am the lowly one.  I'm the one who says the wrong things, have the wrong ideas, etc.  And I end up doing a lot of apologizing.  When I put ppl on a pedestal, it's as if I go on a mental mode of subconsciously believing that person does not think, say, or do anything wrong.  Only when that person does something really dispictable do I suddenly realize he/she is only human, and then I no longer put that person on a pedestal.   I notice that when I don't put a particular person on a pedestal I am quite resolute and confident and at ease with myself.  I wonder if others have ever dealt with this problem before.

Since, I am now aware that I have a subconscious habit of putting ppl on a pedestal and myself in a precarious low level, I'm trying to change this unproductive habit. Does anyone ever have this problem?  If so, how did you change your way of perceiving ppl and of yourself?

[Anonymous]

I have the same exact problem with my living situation and the landlords.

They're gone for another 3 weeks - but now they're calling in a checking in on everything I'm doing.  For the past 12 years I've taken care of their home. . . but yet, things are weird.  Maybe familiarity breeds contempt.

Like others - I have elevated them and their needs above mine.  And now, I am frustrated they don't see how inconsiderate they are - especially to a friend, tenant and housesitter.  And yet, I haven't opened my mouth.

This weekend, a situation happened - my 9 year old niece opened the door and 2 dogs got out.  The conclusion that was jumped to was that I was not on the property, and the dogs jumped over the deck.  How dare I not be there watching the dogs.  How dare I not be there to answer the phone - or cell phone (yet we were outside scouring the hills for the dogs).  The dogs were found and returned.

So instead of taking their phone calls after they knew the dogs were okay, I'm doing the passive agreesive thing and letting them deal with my answering machine.  (Talk about not using your voice!!).  

I have already taken things into my own hands and have started packing to move out.  They will be back on June 18th - and I will move out July 30th.  

But, I have some choices to make:  Just give my notice (and lie why I'm doing it).  Give my notice, and tell a partial truth.  Or give my notice and tell them the entire truth.

They will lose a friend, tenant and a 12 year housesitter.

Perhaps it's harder to confront someone you know as a friend, then confront someone who isn't exactly a friend - but a paid landlord.

I don't know.

[cosmic joe]

oops missed a bit
in my last post here in a way..
as i was mainly on knowing self
and did not connect expressly
how that might relate to believing in self..

well now the self needs to know its self
and relationship to the whole
i think
in order to best be able to believe in self
and to know this relationship fully requires
a dynamic expression of what the vital
relationship of self to the whole is...

as suggested by
the purpose of the soul is to know itself
as an eternal individual spiritual entity
able to be fully attuned to the whole but not the
whole but rather a part of the whole

now the attunement methinks
would come by a proper considering of
the needs of others before one's own
and while it is good to love one self
if some of the many and clever devices
most selves have developed for
an artificial rationalized self justification
are too actie then the process of
loving one self could be an excuse
for neglecting one's responsibilities to others
and one could end up
less enabled rather than more enabled
in terms of knowing the true self and
how to believe in it....

[bunny]

I have already taken things into my own hands and have started packing to move out.  They will be back on June 18th - and I will move out July 30th.

Good idea.

But, I have some choices to make:  Just give my notice (and lie why I'm doing it).  Give my notice, and tell a partial truth.  Or give my notice and tell them the entire truth.

Reasons I can imagine to lie: expedient, you just want to get out with no trouble, their behavior is no longer your problem, you don't want to get into it with them, they might retaliate.

Reasons I can imagine to tell truth: You need to let them know that you're upset, you hope they will talk you out of it, you hope they will apologize, you feel compelled to tell them they have a problem.

What I would do: most likely, give some vague reason for moving and not get into it with them.

bunny

[COSMIC JOE]

suspicions that dr phil is a narcissist..that is not to say.
that he cant often be quite helpful to others...

a reading of a bio on dr phil
might help evaluate
ifn dr phil and still might be
a
plays that music for that JAWS
.. A NARCISSIST

AH WHY I MENTION DR PHIL
TIS AS PASTED BELOW
daylily as guest
Guest





 Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 2:04 pm    Post subject:    

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Hi there--

I think that Phil McGraw's book Self Matters actually provides a very good framework within which you can conduct a guided self-assessment, with the goal of finding what he calls your "authentic self." It's a little short on how to act on that knowledge, but from your posts, it seems that's not really what you're looking for. Basically, what he does is take each element of self-concept and provide exercises that help you to consider how that element has made you the person you are, and whether the associated beliefs are really serving you.

As with any "self-help" book, you have to take it with cups, not pinches, of salt. Dr. McGraw's tone is sometimes annoying, and his folksy charm often wears thin, but I think there is a certain amount of wisdom at the core of this book. To change one's core beliefs about oneself is possibly the most difficult task one can undertake. I think anything that puts a structure around that process can be at least somewhat helpful.

Best,
daylily

[Guest2]

Hi there,
I don't know if this is good advice for you but I have found myself in lots of similar situations and I find that either you take some steps to resolve it and speak up, or you run from it and it lives on in your memory as a bad thing where you were disrespected, once again.

I would argue that unless you talk to your landlords about what they did that bothered you, you are putting them on a pedestal (a someone who always knows what they're doing, and intended every consequence of their actions because they could perfectly foresee the results, and the result is what they wanted, etc).  

If you leave the way you are planning, you will always be angry about it and it will become another bone to chew for a long time.   Try to start out giving them the benefit of the doubt.   What I mean is, a person's home is a very emotional thing.  So they are overreacting and irrational about an imagined risk.  That is kind of normal, although tiresome.    They have not valued or respected you.   That is not ok and you need to call it to their attention.  

Maybe you can say you want to talk to them about what happened.  Try to do it when you are calm.  Think through what you are going to say and keep it "I" words.  "I felt from your reaction that you did not trust me"  or "I was offended when you said such and such", "it bothered me when X happened".   Show them how they were wrong.  See how they react.  Then you can decide what to do.  Or you can decide already, but leave it that you made your viewpoint clear and if they want to be jerks, let them.

If you have been friends so long, it is for a reason, and if you break that up, they might not be the only loser.  So don't move out to punish them.  If your friendship has been one sided, it might be best to leave it.  But if not, and this is just one (or a few) incident, maybe it is worth trying to resolve it.  Human nature is that people get away with what they can, even good people.    So set your boundaries.

ok!  Rant over!

[Anonymous]

All very sound advice!  The risk was that the husky dogs would kill chickens, and then the property owners would have every right to shoot the dogs.

I just got another note from the landlords telling me what I should have done, and - in so many words - how unhappy they were without me being there to answer the phone (while I was out searching the fields).

I did write back and tell them I was stressing over watching their property, horses, etc.  I think the seed has been planted, and maybe the notice to move out won't be quite a shock.

Sigh - - - too much drama!  I'm looking forward to the peace of packing - and watching some familiar TV shows.  Back to some sense of normality!

Cat-guesting

[Anonymous]

Hi Cat:

Speaking of notes, maybe you could write your own?

Say your peace.  Do all the "I" stuff.  Nevermind the reaction?

Explain you don't want to deal with it, if you really want to be honest?

Then move on to that sense of normality knowing you did not shrink and shuffle away with your head down?

After all, they don't seem to have a problem communicating with notes do they?

   

GFN

[Anonymous]

Believing in myself: As I was in my apartment packing - it occurred to me - just the name of the board "voicelessness" is so apt here.  If I had felt okay voicing concerns before letting them pile up - afraid that by speaking up something terrible would happen, they might not be so tremendous now to overcome.

Believing that I was worth it - having certain rights and priviledges (or setting down some ground rules) may have helped.  

But instead, I believed, although I live here and pay rent, I'm still acted like I'm a guest in the house/

There is the believing in yourself enough to speak up - yet being constructive - or the entire voicelessness path.  Changing oneself to "speaking up" is a difficult thing to do.  Never really quite know what the consequences are going to be.

Cat guesting

[mum]

Hi, Cat guesting.  I can think of a million of those situations you describe, where I am in a position of servitude in a way, and am being taken advantage of, but I can't seem to speak up or get out of it...

I remember when I was a college art student and a distant aquantance of my mom's asked me to illustrate a book she wanted to write.  I agreed to do a few pages...and she dropped off at my house a pile of kids oriented factoids from a syndicated newspaper collumn.  This is what she was "writing" her book from.  I did one illustration, and then, out of curiosity, tracked down the writer of the collumn. He had no idea who she was and she had no permission to use his research, etc.
I simply left the one illustration I did with all her clippings on my front porch and left a note that meekly suggested she had copywrite infrigement issues but mainly said I was far too busy to help her at this time and then  left a message for her to  pick her stuff up.
I felt like I had done the right thing, but not completely. I should have given the guy her name (I didn't) and faced her down directly.   She was very angry, as I knew she would be....so I guess that's why I avoided it all.  The woman badmouthed me and my mother around town, but luckily, mom didn't care and most people thought this bat was batty anyway.

I don't know why your story brought that memory up for me, but I felt like a coward.

There is something I don't quite get about your situation: you are taking care of animals AND you pay rent?  You are in an awkward situation.
Where I live, we pay people to take care of our houses and animals while they live in our houses.  If it is a college student who wants to get out of his parent's house or something, they will do it for free....well not really, as I still pay the utilities while they stay at myhome.  But they take care of my dogs and my plants.....so I should!

[mum]

Someone told me this today:

"Self esteem without empathy is just narcissism."

[Anonymous]

Hi Mum:

Interesting quote.  I don't think I agree.  Maybe it's more like:

Living without empathy is N.

I think this because I don't really believe it's self-esteem the person behaving Nish feels.  That's what they seem so desperate to try to make others believe....that they have great self-esteem but deep down inside....I really think they have something more like self-hate.  So I guess the quote could also read:

Self-loathing and no empathy is N.

It's tricky anyway, isn't it?  How much self-esteem is healthy?  How do we know we have enough?  I wouldn't like to see a person who has been working on their self-esteem, trying to improve thier own vision and belief of themself, see and read this quote and think that it is somehow wrong to be trying to increase their own self-esteem....that it might be Nish.

Self-esteem is something inside us, anyway, isn't it?  Bragging and flaunting stuff and trying to "look" good, or better than others.....acting superior.....now that isn't self-esteem but it might fit in that quote too.

Acting superior to others without empathy is N.

They may act so but I truly do not think they believe so.  Underneath it all there is terror and at the very least....huge self-doubt verging, if not entrenched in, vile feelings about self.

My blabby 2 cents this morning.

Thanks for posting and getting me to think about this one Mum.  Hope things are going well for you these days!!!

GFN

[Anonymous]

Cat guesting - mum, Thanks for sharing your story.  It helps.  Doing the right thing - versus saying the right thing is tough.

[bunny]

mum,

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing and had no obligation to do one iota more than that. I certainly don't think you needed to face that lunatic down. Pointless. You were dragged into this and had every right to extricate yourself with as little involvement as possible.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Well, I did it.  The landlord - owners - called to tell me I should have done something one way.  Then they sent me an email stating they would have appreciated it if I had done it the way they suggested.

I wrote back apologizing - and stating I could no longer handle the stress of watching their animals.  Felt the responsibility on my shoulders was too great with room for liability, and I was thinking of moving out August 1st.

The email back stated they'd like me to move out July 15th, as it would work better for them.  They'd like to get someone in as soon as possible.  They were sorry that I was not emotionally healthy!

The sucky part about emails like this is that you tend to think "Am I really like that? - and then having to do self-evaluations - and having doubts".

So I've found a place to move - but guess who has to give the payment history references?  Yep - the people I'm moving away from.  

At this point, I'm very thankful for some of my friends - the friends who've allowed me to disagree with them.  Those who've allowed me to have fights with them - that were not devastating.  Without those people in my life, I would go back into the hole of being pounded upon and stomped upon.

So right now is the most stressful time.  The application is put in.  Now comes the references and checks.  Of course, I will make it through this, but the stress level is through the roof.

Cat-guesting