pathetic siblings

[d'smom]

i hope everyone is feeling well here. Ive been thinking about all of you and know people are going through a lot. Denise I really hope you are ok today if you see this.

I just want to laugh for a minute about somthign funny I learned today. a lot of people have written about unequal treatment of siblings and how parents play favorites of siblings even when siblings are not deserving of such treatment.....

so today i just found out that my pathetic stepsister is divorced =again=. she is SOOOOOO PATHETIC. but of course, she is treated with total favoritism. she is only in her twenties..... shes been divorced several times, had a couple abortions, has a child now and no husband.

she was just married not two years ago and she is -already- divorced.

she did awful in school and did tons of drugs... but 3 years ago, the same year they attacked me and my family, they gave her fifty thousand dollars to start a business - it failed in less than a year......  and she is STILL treated with favoritism. but they wont give me $100 to clean my house when I was hit by a car.....

she acted sooooooo superior,  really giving me cr*p how i was so screwed up but she was so perfect and would never be in any trouble, like ME the bad sister. and here it is not 3 years later and her business totally blew and shes -already- divorced.  shes been divorced so long she already has another boyfriend.

I am not happy about people having troubles - but I find that COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY  HILARIOUS.  only becuase she was so smug and really awful to me and i really find it funny that she is just as pathetic as i always knew she was.

i took a really perverse pleasure in learning that news, she was soooooooooooooooooo mean to me.    pathetic!

[Bliz]

HI D
There has been small satisfaction in seeing any of my favored siblings fail. The parents always have an excuse. It is never their fault as I am sure you will find.  I actually feel a little bad for them when they fail.  The true freedom for us is repairing our self esteem so it is not contingent on the approval of anybody  else.   That is diffiuclt of cousre as we would all like praise and validation from our parents.

[Anonymous]

Hi Anna:

I think you are so honest to express your feelings about this.  I bet any one of us would also feel some kind of pleasure knowing those who hurt us were suffering, even if we might not admit it.  But you have the courage to say it.  After all, those who harmed us have caused us so much upset and pain and it seems only natural to want to see them or know they are paying at least something for it.

Underneath that anger, Anna, is there also a great sadness?  For me, I know there is.  Do you not mourn not having a sibbling who loves you and supports you and who might stand up with you against your oppressive parents??  I would.  I would also hope for a sister who would empathize and understand your situation and the terrible grief you have suffered over losing custody, thus far, of your child.  A sister who might go and visit that child, on your behalf, and try to help the child know good things about her mother.  A sister who would be a loving aunt to that child and do all possible to help and support her and her mother and be with you, in your suffering.

I'm so sorry that your sibbling is none of these things Anna.  She is just as sick or sicker than your father and will never be anything but a thorn in your side, I guess.   She is pathetic and I don't blame you for feeling angry or sad, if you do, about her behaviour.    From your descriptions it seems she has always been a problem, never what anyone would hope for in a sibbling.  Always seeking and getting attention.  Never sharing a thing.  She has either inherited or developed a pathetic and sick mind.

The good news is.....you haven't.  The great thing is....you are not like her.
I know this doesn't erase the pain but it is something to be glad about.  And good for you for getting your feelings out into the open here and being so very honest!

(((((((((Anna)))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hello d's mom.

Thought you might need to hear this from someone.

I accept what you have said here, and what you are feeling.

I accept your decision to share it here.

I accept the fact of your pain, and I accept what you are saying about your family history as accurate.

I won't judge you for it, or for what you are feeling and thinking now because of it.

I won't try to change you so that I can feel better about anything you have said or are feeling.

I will just accept you, and try to hear you.

Thank you for sharing your truth. I wish you healing and peace.

[mum]

Hey, Anna.  Yeah, I get it! Completely. I don't have siblings like that, but when things go nasty for my ex.....I only feel that (as my brother says): It couldn't happen to a nicer guy
Honestly, I understand the feelings....of course there is sadness, too, as it is sad that there are people in this world for whom life is hell....unfortunately, these same people try to take us down there with them.  When they reap what they sow....it's a sobering reminder, but also uplifting for those who are with loving intent.  We will get our reward someday too.  I would be oddly comforted/in awe of this person's path as well....

[Serena]

I met one of my best friends at the weekend.  Her ex was a creep.  My friend is physically and spiritually beautiful and he robbed her of all that, he cheated on her and beat her up in the week she was doing her university finals (2001).  When I met her on Saturday, she is 16 weeks pregnant by the love of her life, has bought a £250,000 flat in West London, has a FANTASTIC career and is so happy.

She heard through mutual friends that her ex proposed to his new girlfriend and the day after discovered very erotic texts from somebody else on her phone.............  Relationship over.

I think this is the ultimate meaning of KARMA and it's the law I live my life around.

[d'smom]

well of course.. you are all right : } (hi gfn, missed you, glad your computer is ok!)  .....

sure there is sadness that she is so wiling to betray her sister. that feels awful. knowing she is saying bad things to my daughter about me, that really hurts.

also knowing her kid is spoiled rotten while mine is treated very badly, becuase she is the 'favored one' and i am not. that all hurts, and also makes me mad.

but even further, it -is- karmic, there is satisfaction there, that she who acted sooooo superior becuase SHE was married and SHE had the perfect family and SHE could never do wrong, couldnt even stay married to 'mr wonderful' two feeble years, and lost her 'business' in one.   I just find that satisfying. it has its roots in pain of course... but, darn, she asked for it. my shortest boyfriend lasted twice that long.. ive managed my own business since I was 18, with a lot less than fifty thousand  dollars.

but its more than just that 'she failed' and im taking pleasure cause i dont like her......  but that, a few years before all this happened, she had confided in me how she had always been afraid of my father; how she saw he was abusive and i had been telling the truth and wrongly vilified..

she made a big deal about how we 'were sisters' and she believed in me, and nothing would ever come between us again. then they give her fifty thousand dollars..... and she turned on me like an animal..... so it was a direct betrayal, she sold herself out and i know she doesnt even feel that way inside.  

i feel relief sometimes that people like that, do fail.  it makes me feel that life is a little less crazy than I thought it was, that occassionally people do get what they ask for. usually it seems that backstabbers and those succeed a little more than they deserve.

thanks for those who supported my feelings.  
d's mom

[Anonymous]

Hi d's mom (maybe I should be calling you that instead of Anna.  Sorry about that. )

....and nothing would ever come between us again.

Not just betrayed but lied to and manipulated and given the hope of a connection, which was severred so easily with ....money.  Gee!  That bites too!  Here you were thinking she had finally seen the light only to be snuffed out as quick.  I'm sorry for that hurt d's mom.  That was belittling and devaluing if I've ever heard of it.  You're only a good treat until the real stuff comes along.  That was cruel, as is her saying bad things to your daughter about you.

No wonder you feel satisfied when she fails.  I think it's very natural to feel that.  I think it's different than wishing them to fail or hoping for harm to come to them.  It's justice that we seek, is my bet.
Is she older or younger than you?  (Sorry if you already wrote about that, I must have missed it).

occassionally people do get what they ask for.

Eventually, imo.

GFN

[write]

isn't a nice trait, but we all indulge occasionally!

I had two strange conversations with my sis recently, we've had a lovely relationship develop over the past 18 months, as I cut ties with Dad and so did she, after years of him playing us off against each other.

We were both going through relationship splits and have shared a lot.

Got together in april and had a wonderful time.

Anyway, the last two conversations it's like she's gone back in time. Reverted to her competetive alliance with dad, she's stopped her divorce proceedings ( though sounds as miserable as ever in the marriage? ) and told me I should be getting back with my h!

It's like the lovely bridges we built up have tumbled, and there's no way back, and we're right back with the old relationship.

Just shows the value of therapy and change- I did loads, she wouldn't go.

Feel a bit sad, the conversation was definitely toxic last weekend      

[guest2]

I feel a bit shaky after reading all the posts about how the favorite sibling is hated.  For all I know, my sister could be on this board writing about how she has always hated me, and how happy she would be if something bad happened to me.

When we were young, my mom picked her as the main whipping post.  I got off relatively easy, by just being lucky, by having a more compatible personality, by not being liked by my dad (divorced early from my mom) or his side of the family, and basically because I made sure to do everything my mom wanted.  She was all I had, and I could not risk losing her approval and becoming the whipping post like my sister.  When my mother has always spoken to my sister, even to this day, she has made out that I am so good and she is so bad.  But when she related to me directly, I am the devil incarnate.   So there was really little benefit to being the so-called favorite, except that I had to conform mightily, and oh yes, I became the most hated one from my sister's standpoint.  And I had to listen to all the abuse she took, and absorb it, and feel partly responsible because I was not defending my older sister enough (I did as much as I dared).

My sister made the most of this with my dad's side of the family, and they were sure to try to make up for things.  I went through some very tough times from an early age on those court-ordered visits.   My sister was an enthusiastic participant.  Only recently she has sort of admitted that things were not fair and she got away with murder.   After my dad died, I finally remembered much more of it.  When I repeat it, it sounds awful to people and sometimes I can't really tell why, my sense of normalcy is so out of whack.

And still as adults, in our 40s, she still hates me and I think she always will.  She pretends to love me, in a very exaggerated, maudlin way,  and I have always felt  guilty so I let her walk all over me, until recently when my husband said, why do we have to pay for her plane ticket?  And I had to think about it and put my foot down.

All this to say, that the so-called favorite child of an N is also being shafted.   And the divide and conquer strategy is in place.  I wish I had someone to talk to about my childhood who was there.    So that when my mom denies beating us with a belt buckle,  and calls me a liar every day for the miserable months she lived with us, I have someone to say, yes, I know it happened.

[write]

you're just another victim, it's not your fault, you didn't set up this pattern, and even have seen through it all.

I recommend a therapist if possible, and lots of self-care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[d'smom]

I feel a bit shaky after reading all the posts about how the favorite sibling is hated. For all I know, my sister could be on this board writing about how she has always hated me, and how happy she would be if something bad happened to me......

All this to say, that the so-called favorite child of an N is also being shafted. And the divide and conquer strategy is in place.

hi guest2, i agree with write, you did not create this dynamic, none of us did....  the bottom line is, 'the strategy' worked, the strategy to turn us all against each other, to break up and destroy the normal family bonds, and here we all are, way into adulthood with no relationship with each other, or worse, actively fighting. thats the bottom line. the strategy worked. thats the crime.

we are all losers.  

my stepsisters problem, and my brothers problem too, is that they remain in denial about it.  they continue to reap the benefits, suck the money, the approval, the perks, the favors, by participating in grinding myself and my family into the dirt. thats a free choice they are making now.  

its this behavior of theirs, these choices they make as free adults, that makes them deserving of pity and scorn on my part. i didnt write 'hated siblings'. i wrote 'pathetic siblings'. :}  i dont wish bad things to happen to them, and i dont hate them. i simply feel satisfied when they fall flat on their face, becuase they deserve it, for the way they have -chosen- to treat me their supposed sister. there's a difference.

they are not little kids trying to survive any way they can anymore... they are free adults who know better, yet still choose to not only watch but participate in this treatment and do nothing, and reap the benefits for themselves at my expense.  

it doesnt sound like you are doing that. it sounds like you realize that you were surviving in a bad situation and did what you could, and feel bad about it. theres nothign at all wrong with surviving any way possible as a child.

you said it, the bottom line, the N is the only winner here.  i dont hold it against my sibs that they were better at dodging bullets and getting by when we were younger...... i DO hold it against them that they are not willing to stand up and do the right thing as free adults.

take care.... didnt mean to stir up any bad feelings there. we are all targets here.
anna

[mudpuppy]

Hi Anna,

I agree with everything you said except this....

the bottom line, the N is the only winner here.

I think they're the biggest loser in every situation they're in. Your N father has taken your daughter so you have lost her, temporarily. But he will never know what its like to be loved by his kids. He'll never know what its like to love his kids. Behind his facade he is a tormented, lonely, pathetic, loser who decades ago lost the only things that matter, and he'll never get them back.
And as a Christian I also believe his losing has not really even begun yet. Nor does he have any idea just how much he lost when he started down the path of living as an emotional parasite.

I hope I don't sound contentious, just trying to put their 'winning' in perspective.

mudpup

[contentious]

.... making a whip
upsetting money changers tables in the outer courts
of the temple of supposed therapy

ye, zeal for my father's house shall consume me

[mudpuppy]

Taunt deleted by Richard Grossman.  (Contentious:  Please explain your verse in a new thread.  I don't understand it.  R.G.)