BPD or N

[Stormchild Guesting]

Hi newby --

Bunny is totally right about this... save yourself. You've been trying to save her for almost a decade. If it really depended on you, it would long since have happened.

Does your state allow divorce mediation? Saves a lot of $ on legal fees.

[Newby]

Stormchild,  
I am hoping we can get things resolved between us because she doesn't want to spend any extra money on an attorney.  I will know when I get the settlement agreement what action to take.  Now that I realize how dangerous this is, I just want to get out of it as quickly as I can before she realizes that I am on to her.  She still thinks she has me fooled and I haven't told her otherwise.  This stuff is downright scarey. To realize there is essentially no hope for a person is very sad.  I always try to see the good in people.

[Brigid]

Newby,

I guess it is a blessing that she appears to be borderline instead of N as it appears there is hope for healing with borderlines

From what I have heard from psychologists, B is harder to heal than N (if that is possible) and more difficult to deal with.  Either way, be glad you are getting away.  There is little hope for healing.

Brigid

[longtire]

Newby, I responded on the other thread asking about NPD before I saw this one.  See my longer response there.  Yes, your wife sounds very BPD like mine.  The way I understand it is that people with BPD "know" they are inferior (no matter how much you reassure them) and are always on the lookout for being abandoned, often to the point of paranoia.  People with NPD "know" they are superior and are on the lookout for people who doubt their perfection and who they can use due to their inherent entitlement.  Both disorders have relatively high co-morbidity.  The means you usually don't just get the one, a bunch of other stuff goes along with it.  BPD with some NPD and NPD with some BPD seem to be pretty common.

It is important for you to keep in mind that you in NO WAY CAUSED her to have this disorder and behave this way.  There was NO WAY you could cure or mitigate this for her.  Nothing you did or didn't do caused the problem, no matter what she said and how many times she said it to you.  It is her issue and she is the only one who can change it.  If she were in therapy like DBT and getting approrpiate meds if needed, then you *might* be able to find an acceptable arrangement with her.  If she is not taking responsbility for her condition, then there is nothing you can do about it.   Sorry, that sounds harsh.  I'm not trying to shout at you, just trying to help.  Take what is helpful and leave the rest.

[mum]

Bunny, as usual, you have a great knack for putting things together. Thanks.
Newby: too late, the lawyers are already sending their kids to fantastic private colleges, and mine will have to get some amazing scholarships.....
really, it would curl your toes to know the finacial aspects of it.  You won't be in such a position, as you don't share children.  Again, count those blessings!!

My second divorce was a do it yourself type at a document service place.  Of course, we didn't hate each other, or have kids together and as long as I paid for it, my second husband was pretty cool about it.  He sort of mooched off of me anyway, so we didn't have a lot to split up.

My fiance and his ex wife used mediation, and wrote their own everything including child support and visitation.....but they are both emotionally healthy with one priority between them: their daughter.  They have the ultimate in a sane divorce.

Good luck.  It doesn't have to be awful....it may not be, you never know.

[Newby]

Mum and Longtire,

You both give good advice and put things in perspective.  I just have to accept the fact that there is no hope for her and that she has just moved onto another source of supply.  I must have been a good supply to keep her satisfied for ten years.  I believe the fact that I was so emotionally grounded and healthy allowed me to last.  My health was just eaten away until I became unhealthy enough for her to notice, then she was gone.  I am actually beginning to come back and it seems to upset her that I appear healthy and am not completely destroyed.  These people are in absolute bondage and it appears the only hope is some sort of spiritual healing (Christ).   I will be definately looking for signs of this stuff in the future and asking alot of questions about family and childhood.

[mum]

You seem like a great guy, seriously.  That's usually how they get us....we care.  A lot.  But instead of letting us help them, they can't go there, and they are parasites instead.
I am happy you are coming back.  She will do a bunch of stuff to get you back to the way you were (compliant) and Bunny is right about that.
The book, "The Dance of Anger" really spelled this out for me.
So, expect some more weird, manipulative stuff to come from her, but stay focused and on your path to healing.  Best to you.

[Anonymous]

Newby, you sound like you are on the right track.  Keep up the good work and you will make progress.  Don't forget to take care of yourself.  It is a common trait for people here to have taken care of everyone else, but themselves

These people are in absolute bondage and it appears the only hope is some sort of spiritual healing (Christ).   I will be definately looking for signs of this stuff in the future and asking alot of questions about family and childhood.

I think you have hit the nail on the head.  I was stuck in this situation until I admitted that I cannot do anything about it.  I've had to learn to give it up to God and let go.

[longtire]

Yes, that was me again.  Really having touble staying logged in today...

[Newby]

I haven't heard from her since I told her she needed to add something very important (that I get something) to the settlement agreement before I would sign it.   It is very upsetting that she is living in the house that we built together and her "friend" is there every weekend helping (out of the goodness of his heart) her with the landscaping.  Her friend just finalized his divorce from his XN/bpd/alcoholic who had him doing exactly what she wanted and no sex for the last 5 years. He thinks he hit the jack pot with my nympho/attractive/intelligent/ successful wife. I set some boundaries and this guy is just so patient and understanding. He will be nothing but a bloody stump by the time she is through with him.

[Newby]

When she decided she wanted out of the marriage she said that I was her biggest challenge.  I couldn't believe it!  We were suppose to be a team working together to build a future and she viewed me as someone she had to conquer.  Is this typical of N/bpd?

[keyASPECTSofBPD#1]

This inability to develop, emotionally, is the very essence of BPD and the behaviour of those who have BPD which is largely driven by the control and illusion of needing to protect oneself at all costs. It is this need to protect that can keep borderlines alienated from their need to learn. If you put the need to protect ahead of the need to learn, sadly, you will continue to feel an ever-increasing sense of needing to protect which will constantly deny you chances to learn what you need to learn in order to break free from the narcissistic protections attempts you make in the first place.

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bordernarcissism1.htm

[KEY ASPECT X]

FROM THE SAME SITE AS PREVIOUS EMAIL

Borderline narcissism is an overcompensation for deep-seated feelings of perceived inadequacy and for feelings of being "less than" and "incompetent", as is grandiosity and arrogance which will be the subject of my next article here.

It is that overcompensation, along with denial of their actual feelings that leads borderlines to often be so narcissistically indifferent to those with whom they are otherwise closely in relationship to or with. That sudden pulling away, that sudden coldness and acting as if there is nothing between them and someone else is a function of borderline narcissism and is designed to further the mal-adaptive defensive coping skills of the borderline who is usually trying in any way possible to not be put in touch with his/her real feelings because the anxiety and fear of those feelings remain greater than the need for them. When you are as dissociated from your "real" self, as many borderlines are, there is no real need in the here and now of that chaotic dissociative existence to know how one really feels -- especially when the pain of ever- mounting unmet needs hurts enough all by itself, and must be avoided at all costs.

BY THE BY  MY GOOGLE SEARCH WORDS WERE
borderline narcissistic bpd

[mum]

Hey, again, Newby.  I hear the shock in your posts.  I have heard that from many people here.
My good friend found her husband of 27 years had been having anonymous homosexual encounters for years... a huge shock to be sure.
Even after the initial shock, she still mourns the person she thought she was married to, even though she knows he was a lie/liar.

It will take time. There is no way around it. I'm so sorry for your pain.
You will, however, make it....you sound like you will make that choice to do so.

[Newby]

Mum,
I just hate this depressed lonely feeling I have from losing everything that made sense in my life and made me feel secure.  I guess I need to find my security in God again.  I lost something without even knowing it and became co-dependent and unhealthy.  I know that I am vulnerable and need to stay by myself for quite some time until I become healthy again.  I really have to overcome all of this fear that I now feel.  When I got married I thought that I would never have to go through these feelings that I experienced in an earlier breakup, again.