Does she have some NPD traits?

[jophil]

This story maybe a bit 'off topic' or tangential, but I hope that some of you ladies might care to comment -
My all-time recreational passion is Ballroom and Latin dance - getting pretty good too after 15 years of training and practise.
As you can imagine it brings me into close association with a lot of ladies .Some of these 'dance partners' become friends and a few times they have become a lot more ( winks).
About six weeks ago I was at a social dance and a bright , bubbly lady (G)came up to my table and asked me to dance. She was a fairly good dancer and her smile and charm started to push at least ONE of my buttons. She was a real standout. I met up with her several more times on following Saturday nights and we exchanged cards and email.
She is a Senior High School Guidance Officer.( I used to call them Counselors). We emailed back and forth and about a week ago she invited me to one of her dance classes with this statement,"I hope that you will not mind sharing me with Geoff" Geoff is her *roommate* who was her lover until eight years ago. They purchased a house together and continue to live in that house but separately.....(?) I sensed a problem .
I went to that class and had a fine time - she flirted and beamed at me all night.
However she told me that there was another guy(R) was also hovering in the background someplace. He is not a dancer , he is a pilot and plays piano. and he is besotted with G.
I emailed G Tuesday and invited her to one of my dance classes on Wednesday. She replied with all sorts of excuses and declined, however she then went on to invite me to go dance with her last Friday night at the Irish club . She said in an email that R would also be there but he would not arrive until after 9pm and that would give her and I some time together.
By this time I was getting to feel like I was being "scheduled" to suit her agenda. I emailed back and told her that what was happening was not OK with me said that I was not coming to the Irish Club ( no reply from her),
I attended my usual Saturday night dance last night and G turned up with R in tow - he does look like a 'love struck puppy'. She continually tried to catch my eye .
I passed her in the corridor at the end of the evening and she beamed and talked to me as if nothing had happened. I am guessing that she is either mildly NPD or self-absorbed/egocentric and controlling. As we all know CONTROL seeks COMPLIANCE and I am not compliant . R looks to fit that bill nicely . He has even said to her that he is happy to sit and watch as she dances with "her usual partners". It appears to me that she likes everything her own way and seems to have the charm to manipulate others into giving her what she wants ..
I am not totally sure of my perceptions here. I was raised in an N household and many times doubt my observations and my feelings.
Anyone got a take on this ?

[Stormchild]

G'day Jophil --

The lady sounds to me like what we here in the States call a 'playa'.

Umm, some of us anyway. Others might have rather saltier terms...

Have you ever read the old classic, "Games People Play"? There's a 'game' in there called "Let's You and Him Fight".

I think there's a variation of the game described there, in which a, umm, Lady gets Gent A and Gent B into a donnybrook over the bestowal of her favors, accidentally on purpose, don'cha know. And while they're pounding on one another, she takes off with Gent C, which was her intent all along.

Sound familiar?

I could be totally wrong about this, but I'm a gal myself, and us ladies aren't easily fooled by this stuff. Hopefully some of the other gals will chime in soon!

[mudpuppy]

Anyone got a take on this ?

Yeah.
All that dancing must have your running muscles in tip top shape.
My take is you should exercise them immediately and in the opposite direction of this 'lady'.

mudpup

[Brigid]

Jophil,
If I were you, I wouldn't hang around long enough to make a proper diagnosis.  You should barely be able to see the forest for the red flags.  "Danger, Danger Will Robinson"  Maybe you need to be from the States to get that.     Anyway, I would dance as far away from her as possible.  There must be some "nice" ladies you can meet on the dance floor??

Good luck,

Brigid

[jophil]

G'day and thanks, ladies ,  I do know what a 'player' is - I am an Aussie and we talk the same language "down under" as you guys "over there" on the other side of the Pacific.
Yes, her behavior says it all. Do I just watch R get 'eaten alive' or should I say something to him . Maybe he would not listen anyways, and maybe his welfare it is not my problem...
Doesn't life get complicated when the two sexes get near each other?

Thanks again girls --John

[Anonymous]

Yes, her behavior says it all. Do I just watch R get 'eaten alive' or should I say something to him . Maybe he would not listen anyways, and maybe his welfare it is not my problem...
Doesn't life get complicated when the two sexes get near each other

My vote...don't get involved. You can't help R. He doesn't want to hear your warning. Stay away from this group of nuts. Your life will be much simpler and you'll avoid N-drama.

bunny

[dogbit]

Hope this doesn't sound harsh, but from what little you know about her, why is she worth all the game-playing that she requires to spend time with you?  This is not to say that the attraction is flawed in some way but from what you have written, it seems that she is focusing on you as another source to support who she thinks she is.  And it doesn't seem like she has anything to give back.  Does she try to see who you are and what you want?   From what you know of her, is there any prospect of her making your life happier and validated?  After many months of figuring out why I became involved with "toxic" people, I find that I really have to examine my own responsibility in becoming attracted to them.  Maybe you could use this encounter with someone who seems to be quite self-absorbed as a blessing in that you can come to some conclusions as to why you have to ask the question.  And, by asking the question, you may be a hell of a lot healthier than she seems to be.  I hope this comes across as supportive and not critical.  Take care.....

[Brigid]

John,

Do I just watch R get 'eaten alive' or should I say something to him .

I used to fantasize about telling my xh's girlfriend all about him--his nasty little behaviors, proclivities, the n personality, etc.  But I now know it would be a total waste of my time.  I would be seen as the pathetic, bitter x-wife and she would assume that he will be none of those things with her because he really LOVES her.  

People have to see warning signs for themselves.  Good for you that you have gotten to the point of questioning behaviors that you don't feel good about.  I, too, am getting much better at that and have learned to disengage very quickly when I see things I don't like.  Let R figure it out for himself--it will be a good learning experience.

Brigid

[jophil]

Thanks Dogbit - are you a lady or a gent? I am not sure that I understand what you are getting at in the last 5 lines of your post. Please expand and enlighten me.
I went to a dance club tonight until 11:00pm amd G was there with R. She came on over to ask me to dance at 9:00pm and when I asked about R she replied," I sent him home, and now I can dance with you and all my friends" Nice !! Oh, is she an operator or what ! I played along with this but most of your posts were ringing in my head. She did  the 'big flashing eyes' number and the flirty talk and somehow I could remain detached and I was chucking on the inside, and I laughing all the way driving home.

Dogbit did make a good point about examining why we are attracted to toxic people, and we stay around them way too long -long after other  more 'normal' people would have bailed. Hmmm!!

[mudpuppy]

Hey Jophil,

Not that I'm not in touch with my feminine side and all that, but this mudpuppy is of the manly, hairy, belching side of the order 'amphibia'.

No offense intended and none taken, just wanted to clarify a point which is probably of little consquence to others, but is very important to my wife..... and me, now that I think about it.

mudpup

[mum]

I'll chime in here:  Good for you, laughing all the way home.  Be smart, though, because you know what they say: all the women look pretty at closing time!!

She sounds like she is addicted to male attention, and has not a shred of feeling beyond her own surface desires.  If she is a good dance partner, then dance with her.  If she is good looking, then look at her.  But everything else sounds just horrifying (and thus, the looks and dance skills must wear thin fast).  There must be other dance partners....are you sure you even want to dance with her? YUCK!!!

[longtire]

jophil, she sent him home? <insert smiley face barfing here>  How long until she sends you home for someone else.  I agree with the others.  Don't bother sticking around until you have gathered enough evidence for a detailed diagnosis.  Also, we had a thread a while back about whether we should warn others about people with N traits.  The consensus was that if those people don't already recognize something wrong and ask, they probably will not be able to hear the answer and will just view you as the bitter ex.  At least until it happens to them.

[jophil]

Yes I know that she is big trouble and self-centered to the extent that she sees only her wants and therefor is willing to manipulate others with no regard for their wishes or feelings.
However this got me thinking about why these people seem to have that
' Magnetic Aura'. They trigger something in us deep down which ifeel like a wildfire racing across a grass plain.
Maybe I will post a new thread on this ?
John.